I have no energy to care anymore. My friends seem miles away from the place where I rest, from my train of thought. I used to make effort with them. To be part of their life, to socialise at some of the worst times. But not anymore. I'm sick of making the effort and them not noticing. All of it doesn't seem worth it. I just want to be left alone. I want some time to myself. I hate who I have become. Careless, self centred, self pitying, undependable, stressed. There are opportunities sliding by that I could have taken but now they slip through my grasp. Like sand. Worries can travel with you but there's something about the ocean that makes them temporarily disappear. The ocean is a drug. The sound, shape, rhythm. You can get lost staring at it. You realize how small you are, and you only want to become part of it. I've seen this all before, when my bedroom was a little bit more cluttered and the walls a little more bare. I went through with an economy sized trash bag and threw away everything that hadn't been used in the past few months. It seemed like the most sensible way to rid the excess in my life. In the material sense, a thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. Letters and pictures of people I had forgotten I had hoarded from house to house. All gone. Left with an empty room to sit and think in. Running away seems so nice, and a new picture came into my mind of what I would leave behind. And I know I have responsibilities, they are more subtle, and more earth shaking, only no one sees them. Tomorrow I will not remember today and It always happens that way, whether I like it or not.