My best friend and I went to NYC over the last weekend. It was a pretty good trip overall. I had never been so it was nice to do something new... it was my first real trip without Brian though and by the flight home I'm not sure if it was exhaustion or what but I was a bit of a mess.

Luckily it was late and dark on the plane and my friend was all about minding her own business so I was able to sit there and silently cry with no one noticing at all. On one hand that was a relief because how do I explain what's wrong? But on the other hand it compounded the loneliness that I feel even when surrounded by and in close proximity to other humans.

I'm trying to move on... I really am... I have Mr. Belize who though he's not in it for the long term is someone I enjoy talking with almost as much as sleeping with- he listens really well. Then there's Mr. HR who is at "the place in his life" that honestly I would want a man to be- he's 40, good job, just bought his dream family home and is looking for something serious.... but idk... there's something he's holding back and trying to cover up- maybe it's not a big deal but it's something.... Then there's the ever-present Angel... who idk what he gets out of it, Idk what I really get out of it... but we do it... maybe just habit??

Then there's a date with a new guy coming up, Idk how excited I am... but it's more options I guess... just working the numbers at this point, right?

I tried to daydream about having kinds when talking to Steph in NYC and she was a complete downer... not even entertaining the possibility of it not being horrible... I'm just terrified the opportunity is/has passed me by and that's maybe one of the harder things in life: dealing with the possibility that some dreams may never be....