My search for love continues of course. I don't think it's in me to give up. However I have taken a little side adventure.

First, something to note about me is that I am introverted however I am willing to meet new people in this pursuit of love. I'm willing to meet people who may not seem to "fit" the mold I'm looking for just in case I don't know everything and discover someone better than I had in mind- THAT'S the type of optimism I'm approaching this with.

So when a guy five or so years younger than me and by far the prettiest eyes that have looked my way asked to meet up with me to discuss a "friends with benefits" relationship I did not immediately dismiss it. I asked him to describe what he had in mind which he said was basically hanging out with someone, going to the movies, "or whatever" but primarily the activity is sex all with the knowledge that neither one plans for it to "go anywhere".

Honestly people how does this sound different than what I've been doing? All we're subtracting is the fact that I try and drag them to family shit and they stall on whatever the "next level" is. We had a pretty decent long talk about what each of us is ultimately looking for where we are at not and did he freak out that I want kids, yes. He then said "I don't want to waste your time" I told him that to this point everyone else has wasted my time and that if I'm going into it knowing what it is, knowing we don't "owe" each other anything and that I can continue searching, dating and stop seeing him if I find someone and I won't have to "break up" with him..... it sounds like that arrangement is less of a waste of my time than the guys who that's all they want but won't tell me.

A lot of this conversation was me asking about how this has gone for him in the past and how the relationships "end". He said that some ended because the girl found someone she wanted to be with or just wasn't into it anymore for one reason or another but that there were also several times where either he felt like the girl got attached and it wasn't good or the girl clearly got attached and was "acting" crazy.

For my own reasons I am not too worried about becoming attached to this guy but idk he does have dreamy blue eyes lol.

So I went over to his place on Sunday. He has a nice little one bedroom apartment with scant but nice furniture like he's just getting set up on his own. And being a 26 year old pilot who appears to have been well taken care of by mom and dad- he might be. So onto the "adult content" I told him my only real big reservation is that for me to be any "fun" in bed I need to feel I can trust the person, like they have my interests and needs at heart and like they want to make me happy. I have only on two occasions been with people that did not fit that outline and it wasn't "bad" it's just that there was definitely awkward moments where either they were clearly unhappy with what I wouldn’t do and I was less than pleased sexually.

But then thinking of Luis- AKA best sex I've ever had. I had just met him, I wasn't in love with him, but he was a good communicator and I clearly felt safe and valued and that makes a huge difference in how much I and then the other person will enjoy the activities.

So this guy... not what I would think people would fall easily in love with, he's conceited, classist, snobby, but also insecure... but he is really pretty I will give him that. Plus he flies a private plane- not his plane but he flies for someone... it might be handy to have a friend who flies, you never know.

I now know why the girls were falling in love with him. I'm not going to tell him because like I said he is insecure and pretty fragile and I suspect that what he’s doing comes out of his own inability to accept love. He invited me over pretty late Sunday night and said it was fine if I stayed over he didn't mind and with an early gym time and his place is actually closer to my gym than my place- why not?!

Like I said I've never done this sort of thing before and I don't know him or his style so I didn't know if he'd be big on kissing- some guys just aren't and if there's no "feelings" then I would think even less so. But no, this guy wants to kiss a lot, passionate long kisses- I'm good with that. We move to the bedroom I am pretty quickly relieved of all clothing and pushed to the bed (which I love that) He pulls my arms over my head holding them both with one of his and puts the other hand between my legs sliding around in out up down while continuing the kissing. I enjoy that for a bit and then start to try and get out of his grip to return the favor but he doesn't allow it. I love a good fake fight so I play along and climax twice before he lets me out. He lets me grab his dick only briefly and before I know it his face is between my thighs and he is licking and stopping ... then licking... and stopping to kiss my thighs and stomach and then start again... he clearly enjoys that activity lol and that's perfectly fine by me! After he did this for a lovely long time he stopped and rested in the position with people in the past signifies "done" to me.

I don't like to leave things uneven, feeling like I'm selfish or something so I went to grab him and he was completely limp..... I don't think I've ever touched a completely limp one before or his is just unusually deflated when it is, idk but I was confused- he was clearly tired and who knows maybe he'd been drinking a little before I got there- we'd only had one drink together. He said to give him "head and a little time" lol which I found reasonable and funny so I did. Like I said I've never "started from scratch" before which was different and as I felt he was almost ready to go I realize his breathing has changed and this fool is full on asleep! I'm still processing through what that does or does not mean for my oral skills but when I woke him up his response was to go down on me again. When he was done with round two of that and I was in too happy of a place to do anything except allow myself to be wrapped in his arms and go to sleep that's what he did.

He wrapped me up in his arms pulled me closer than anyone I think ever has and even threaded his fingers in mine and went to sleep. He held me literally all night, if I rolled a little or he rolled a little away he would reach out reflexively and pull me back and kiss whatever his sleepy face landed on, hair, cheek, hand and mutter "babe.. c'mer babe" before settling back in.

I LOVE being cuddled and held- it's my favorite. I love the middle of the night empty arms looking for me, I love poorly aimed smooches and indecipherable sweet nothings. Presumably most other women do as well and I'm thinking that is where any previous women have "fallen in love" with him.

If a guy licks you for an hour and then holds you like it's your last night together on earth you're probably going to start thinking he loves you.

In the morning his dick had recovered and was my wakeup call- um my favorite way to wake up by the way. He ran his hands over my body and pulled me on to my back. He has a dramatic way he likes to fling my legs open that I think makes him feel masculine and powerful. His alarm kept going off and he'd reach over an hit snooze and at one point when he was in great spot I said "don't you fucking touch it!" lol he, said "I can't find the spot" referring to the off button instead of the snooze and I said, "No- You found the spot and you better not stop!" which he appropriately appreciated.

I was ready to be out the door before him and when I came to announce "I win!" he was ironing his shirt and said "have a great day, give me a kiss" and offered his cheek. Which I kissed and took off. That's not how you end a booty call lol. You end a booty call with a lude comment and some gropey hands that are slapped away. lol not have a great day and a smooch.

That was only a few days ago and he had invited me back every night- I’ve been busy so I haven’t been back- but I think he doesn’t want to sleep alone. I think he misses the intimacy of a relationship which he strongly associates back the physical stuff but he doesn’t feel ready after what sounds like a possibly recent break up- less than a year for sure. I didn’t ask a lot about it or her. But it sounds like he wasn’t ready to go to the next stage so she dumped him so understandably he wants to try and protect himself from that by feeling like if the girl knows up front it’s not going anywhere he can’t disappoint her and be hurt by her.

The real danger may be him falling for me lol- I'm kind of awesome.

I had a dream