so i have a certain soft spot for this song. i can barely breathe;; manchester orchestra. i will never admit why. i'm pretty sure i can read this or hear the song a million years from now when i'm on my death bed....and i will still remember. even if i've forgotten my half birthday, or where i placed my keys, or what i had for dinner last night. ok. so i'm being a little melodramatic. just a little. but you know what i mean, right? future self?
maybe you would have figured out what's wrong with me//yourself//whoever the fuck i'm typing this shit for by then. maybe. hopefully? because even if it's just a small hope, it's still hope which still stands for something which means something is still there. you're still there. just open your eyes. right? right?
i think this proves that my worst fears from back then were rightfully feared. well, i knew what to expect from myself, and i still expected to prove myself wrong. i expected change. well, other things have changed. i've still...been one to "take one step back and fall two steps back". falling. falling. deeper. slower. but falling, nevertheless. things aren't always what they seem? i'm such a disappointment. always have, always will be. and it's this same feeling...of i-can't-pin-down-the-exact-reason-since-there's-so-many-but-you-will-never-truly-love-yourself-for-long. did you ever even learn to "fully love yourself" like you truly claimed? what did you see in the mirror? the same cracks...or did you turn away? just focus on things like your hair? "ok i'll look but only at my hair." ha. you fucking loser. how long are you going to lie to yourself?
it is time to be honest with yourself, v. you're strong as a soldier. you can handle it. so you haven't exactly been truthful with anyone, including yourself. so it's true that you slipped backwards a little on new years' day. and again on january fifteenth. and in between. and after. it's ok to scare yourself. being scared is an adrenaline rush that can't be mirrored or imitated by any other feeling. right? it's ok to scare yourself to remind yourself that you. are. alive. not dead. alive. still breathing. if you weren't alive, you would never have became friends with ellery again. you would never have experienced that feeling of stupidity after stopping yourself from doing something that you have shelved away. you would have never had a really awesome bonding time with glerelle and haley again. or kwanoluu. or your family. or anyone or anything else that matters to you...even if you kept pushing your mom away. testing her limits again? i thought you were over that..you knew she wouldn't dare confront you about the tattoo or the piercing. you knew it, deep inside. you disgust me.
but you can't deny it. you slipped, v. you forgot how to value your life, to believe in yourself, to trust that you deserve to live. isn't it sad that the only thing that kept you from doing anything you wouldn't have had the chance to regret was....the thought of salim? how you yourself thought that perhaps he would not have gone through with it if only he thought about how the people who cared about him felt. you care too much, v. about other people. you didn't listen to yourself. you listened to the voices of other people projected into your mind. what's wrong with you, v?
this doesn't make sense. i feel so lost and confused again. the only reason why i stopped feeling confused in the first place was because i learned to be oblivious to the things that made me feel darkness. heaviness. you became oblivious. until you saw the blood on your hands...actually it wasn't the sight of the blood, huh? more like that metallic scent that you're supposed to like so much. as long as it doesn't belong to anyone else. and especially not when that smell that brings that taste into your mouth is coming from one of your best friends. instead, you only gagged on reflex. you fucking hypocrite. right? but after that, you started thinking and couldn't stop. you became more "responsible", less oblivious. you liked who you were trying to be, right? that's why you tried? not because you thought that was who you were supposed to be. no more repeats of that night, of those nights, of those mornings, of those fights, of those dreaded feelings. you thought you were going to start a new beginning, with a clean slate?
then what the fuck happened? why do i feel so inadequate? like i'm lost in suspension, drifting up above somewhere unreachable. i know it's up to me. up to my choices. it's all up to me, how everything in my life will turn out. a part of me keeps showing up telling me that i need help. i need someone besides my closest friends to help me. why? i feel like i'm playing my old self on a record player again. "because i don't want anyone else to worry about me. i am the only one who needs to worry about myself. and i will." see? i said that in quotes so i know that as much as i believe in it, i can see the faults in those statements. in that way of thinking. i can see how i am using my own words to prove myself right and wrong at the same time. i can see it...so i'm really not messing up right as horribly as i've done before right? i'm not. i'm not. i'm better now. i'm ok now. you're strong, v. but why does being strong seem to always get me back to this place?
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we relyy on clichés, we become clichés.