There is a bit of my story involving a girl named Carrie from my high school years I often never get to saying. In essence this is the most important part of the entire story. It is how we chose to end our saga together. As people know I was pretty much always a needy kid who lived on the attention of others. I already covered my flaws, so no need to restate them. They are down below if you must get a point of reference.
Carrie was the first girl who ever showed me kindness. I suppose that's why the end was so important to me. It probably meant little to her, but it meant a lot to a boy who had nothing left to give. It was graduation day, and this meant more then likely I'd never see 99% of these people ever again in my lifetime. I had made myself a promise that day. I was going to find my courage and at least try to attone for my problems that I had caused her in my sophmore and junior years. Before the event of us walking I said nothing, afterwards I said nothing, during pictures I could say nothing. It wasn't until the very last moment when a friend told me she was leaving that I forced myself to do it before I left in regret. I crossed the street as she was leaving and moved to her side. In front of her family, her friends, and some teachers I stammered nerviously, but managed to tell her congratulations, wished her the best of luck in college, and offered my hand in a last ditch effort of peace.
Carrie could have spat at my hand, turned her back, and left me there with my shame, but she did not do that. She smiled at me, wished me luck back, and took my hand. She allowed me to move forward as equals.
That day I had my vindication, this day I have none. I have this giant albatross around my neck. It's wrapped around there by a steel chain. Every time I think about trying to break away from my routein I gran and tug at this thing and choke myself before I let myself free. I will never find vindication from it, but it's not because I stopped trying. This albatross has a name, but only because I named it. It runs tight around my neck, but only because I choose to keep it there. It chokes the voice out of my mouth around others, but only because I'm pulling on the chain. I keep and honor this thing, but only because I've learned that it's my punishment. It has a latch that only I can reach.
No one asked anybody to apologise. My wife did it on her own and I followed. We have hands that we need to wash clean. They will never get clean unless we see them that way.
Enough is enough. It is time to wash my hands of this. With this new revelation I now have no reason to hold this off any longer. Because the only person keeping me from my sweet vindication now is me. A mistake I won't make in this albatross's name any longer. The only person who's apology will set me free is my own. Not accepting it for all these years is the truth I never wanted set free. I may have things to be sorry for, but they won't be heard, so I give up on that. I'm not good enough for attoning to those sins. Time to make it right with people who actually care about them, starting with myself.