Goodbye diary.

so adriana is over. i was putting plaster on her arm . and we were talking. joking around about stuff. having PRIVATE conversations. when she says "will your grandma hear this?" no i said thinking she was downstairs. then i hear her at the computer. OH MY GOD! i think i want to die. a fast death oh god oh god oh god. oh god. :(

Im in school right now. sitting at my desk. with a labtop. its pretty durn exciting if you ask me. its not my birthday anymore but thanks to those of you who said something to me. im not supposed to be writing in this anymore i know i know. but i just felt th need. my new diary is inyourwake but it might be friends only soon. i change it back and forth. i cant make up my mind. alright time to go byee

Im 17!! theres something wrong wiht my journal guh oh well id dont use this one anyways..and.. today is my birthday. 17 doesnt sound like a natural number. i need to be 18, that sounds right. for my birthday i still want hugs. lots... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -Made new friends! -another chance of getting a tattoo. better start looking for what i want. -ive been thinking about camping a lot. im gonna go to the dunes and watch the sun rise. -im starting to feel like a bad daughter for moving out of my moms. makes me really sad even though i had my many resons. -IM SAVING MONEY! YES! -im working on getting on speaking terms with people like Lisa.that is very good i hate avoiding. -avoiding. i will be missing pat. i made a big mistake i think and i wish that i could trade in the past two months and.. anything between us to just go back to being normal and friends.. should i not be saying that? oh well. doesnt change anything so why cant i be honest. leave me alone adriana -i will be looking nicer soon. caring more about my clothes and such. try to work out since i weigh freaking 96 lbs and i dont want to waste away to nothing. someday IM GONNA BE HOT! haha . yes .. sooomeday :) so thats all. gosh i talk entirely too much . byee

So tonight i went and picked up the Mex. Sorta made plans with Jeremy. Tried to do something good for myself. didnt want to haras anyone, or be stood up for.i could have been nicer i know, im sorry. i dunno.. i was going nuts and what better time to make a change than the new year?? maybe not. but whats done is done. Thought things were going to get worse.. then Jeremy decided to be a butt and not call back but that is fine by me because i ended up having a nice time anyways. bittersweet.. bittersweet.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ since im a big follower heres my list of things to accomplish this year. 1) Save- i need to start putting money in the bank so i dont end up living in a dumpster. 2) Roller Coaster- i wanna go to an amusement park that i havent visited yet. i love roller coasters. ill ride them all...twice!.. yep. 3) Motivation- i must stop being so gosh darn lazy all the time 4) Myself- Be nicer to people - Get over the shy thing - Get over things, period. 5) Swim- Go on as many late night swims in as many pools as possible without getting arrested. 6) CAMPING- go camping in the Dunes and take a hike again!!!!!!! number 6 is by far my favorite. i WILL be going camping this year. omgosh i cant even wait.

what the hell am i going to do for this occasion. jeremy is nowhere to be found i dunno what adriana is doing mark wants to hang out oh geeze i love how people are still really effing gay. its so cool

not much to say im tired. "friend" from out of state likes to use me seriously well make plans and when we get together she just wants to go find hot boys. im sorry but my idea of a fun night does not consist of circling various fast food restraunts looking for abercrombie models who wants an abercrombie model anyways. ickkkkkkkkk i had fun with bekki tonight! i dont know how we didnt meet 906797 years ago. we know all the same people, parents are friends, used to live close. its NUTS i tell ya!!! k thats all byee

so i have dreams that i talk to him friends i have dreams that hes even meaner to me i have dreams that he finally talks to me or tells me that he JUST NOW read all my diary entries and that hes sorry and we talk. and every time my phone rings i hope its him and every time i get a text message i hope its him. and every time its not i feel so let down. it was hard enough to feel like youre in a pretend relationship and not touching him in public because you think thats would make him uncomfortable, to be ignored, to always come second and think its okay and that i was causing all the problems. and then to find out that the whole FRIENDSHIP before that was a sham. its making me crazy he meant a lot to me he was soooo important to me and i would have done anything for him and i want so badly to find a reason to not be hurt about him leaving me but now hes abandoned me as a friend so its hard to make excuses for him. i cant do it anymore. but yeah so these dreams of mine are really haunting and make it really hard to put this all out of my mind.

despite all the fun ive had and all the things ive realized.. unfinished business drives me nuts. like seriously insane.. by the way that is the hottest picture i have ever seen. i dunno what it is but omgossshhh! i think its like davey havok. not the most attractive man ever but theres something very hot about him. goodness.

im gonna follow the trend.. heres MY list of positives.. 1) even with the shit going on this break ive managed to have a pretty good time when i hang out with people. and ive come to realize somethings about me and others and its just a good thing. 2)i got new fabric to make another purse!!! 3) i dont have to worry about ruining my cds anymore since i got something to put them in at last. SO I BOUGHT NEW CDs! just 3 and i downloaded a lot, my computer is still running too so thats great! 4) since i have money im also looking to cut my hair. like short. like to my chin short. i want to dye the bottom layers a different color again. im excited. but im still not sure of how to get it cut :/ ill work on it. 5) My junior prom is going to be my first and only dance of highschool*by choice*. my mom said shell let me go out of state to get my dress. i need to find a good place to get a damn dress. any ideas? you let me know!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Little turtle I love you so Little turtle Oh please don't go!

alright so its later,im home now! I hung out with petra and her boyfriend. oh lord, i think they might be swingers haha.marc is really set on us having a threesom :/ no joke at all it was crazy. petra didnt care. its odd. i was uncomfortable but wuuteva. ALRIGHT SO LIFE IS LIKE A MATH PROBLEM its a lame analogy but you know how when you you just dont understand something but then it finaly just clicks. and even if youve done a whole lot of work wrong its still feels great to know that you understand it all now. jesus christ im lame but i had a great big awakening today. and im happy about that. sadly i dont know if ill be able to do anything about it just because sometimes im weak. but uh... its nice to know where i stand on somethings!!!!! i wasted a lot of time but i hope that now i that ive realized it..ill be able to avoid doing that again YES. mk petras here and i must be a good host and feed her ! byee

here goes... so my parents are both unemployed since bad business kept them from moving & they cant afford to send my dad back to FL. yet. they have no money and couldnt even buy our christmas gifts. i hate charity i hate seeing my family struggle & beg. im scared for them im feeling alone is adriana basically all i have,but i dont even see her..heres something that nobody knows..i never talk about it because im always worried people wont take me seriously and think im just trying to get attention. i care too much about what people think . but whatever... i have depression. i had to visit a couple counselors/doctors and take tests. theyre sending me to a psychiatrist. i was really happy about that. id have someone to talk to they said they would probably medicate me. i was really looking foward to really feeling happy again. but now the fucking insurance people found out i live with my grandparents and dont want to pay for it. its not like i can move home. my life is here &and my parents have no room anymore. IM TIRED OF FEELING LET DOWN i found that out and everything thats happened .. ugh.. i cant get better on my own ive tried everything i know. and now people are going to be difficult okay im done venting.

this entry is pointless. the last one is kinda important though.. wuuteva [edit: heres another] 01. name: Tiffani 02. single or taken: single 03. sex: female :) 04. bday: January10th 05. sign: capricorn 06. siblings: younger brother and sister 07. hair color: brown 08. eye color: brown eyed girl 09. shoe size: 7 1/2? 10. height: 5'3? relationships 01. who are your best friends?: well im not too sure now, other than Adriana fashion | stuff 01. where is your favorite place to shop: anywhere 02. any tattoos or piercings: 13 piercings.. ill get a tattoo someday.. specifics 01. do you do drugs?: no sir-E 02. what kind of shampoo do you use?: herbal essences 03. what are you most scared of?: being alone, sharp objects 04. what are you listening to right now?: Link80 05. who is the last person that called you?: brittney 06. where do you want to get married?: someplace small.. but pretty 07. what would you change about yourself?: i let myself get walked on a lot.. favorites 01. color: blue & black 02. boys' names: Benji is the greatest name ever. not even because of GC either so dont start you crazy people 03. girls' names: Sydney 04. subjects in school: english and history 05. sports: meeehh i like to watch wrestling. the real kinda not wwf shat have | you | ever 01. given anyone a bath?: im a big sister. enough said. 02. smoked?: Yes 04. made yourself throw up?: its impossible for me to do so. 05. skinny dipped?: haha yes! 06: ever been in love?: no 07. pictured your crush naked?: id rather not 08. cried when someone died?: yes 09. lied: im only human 10. fallen for your best friend?: possibly 11. been rejected?: never turned down just left 12. rejected someone?: yeah 13. used someone?: yeah but it was mutual. 14. done something you regret?: GOD YES current 01. clothes: pajamas 02. make-up: never. im naturally this ugly! 03. annoyance: avoidance. sendsomeoneelseanotegeeze 04. smell: Angel- thierry mugler 05. favorite artist: cant say 06. favorite group: old Saves The Day 07. book you're reading: Smack again. 08. dvd in player: none 09. color of toenails: none do | you | ever 01. sit on the internet all night waiting for that someone special to IM you?: uhm maybe to get online.. not to IM me thats lame 02. save conversations: i have but now they save automatically so i dont have a choice are | you 01. understanding: yes 02. open-minded: somewhat. id like to be 03. arrogant: i hope not 04. insecure: oh yes. 05. interesting: i have my moments 06. random: ha oh yeah 07. hungry: always 08. smart: smart, not brilliant 10. hard working: depends on what im working on. 11. organized: pretty much 12. healthy: ive let myself go 13. shy: at first. once i get past that im crazy 14. difficult: every so often 15. attractive: meh 16. bored easily: haha not meee 17. messy: i try not to be 18. responsible: i try to be 19. obsessed: with the internet :[ 20. happy: on occasion 21. hyper: i was. im tired now 22. trusting: thats a toughie who | do | you | wanna 01. kill?:nobody everyone dies. if i wanted revenge it would be craftier than that. :D 02. get really wasted with?: doesnt matter drunks are great 03. get high with: i dont like weed :P 05. talk to online: YOU! 06. sex it up with: wouldnt you like to know :) random 01. in the morning i: hate talking 02. love is: wonderful i bet 03. i dream about: things that worry me 04. sexual preference: i like boys.it sucks. which | is | better 01. coke or pepsi: diet pepsi but only because you pulled my leg 02. flowers or candy: most flowers are ugly. 03. tall or short: no giants or midgets, please. 01. what do you notice first: smile, lips 02. last person you slow danced with: whoa! .. stephen in a backyard over a year ago.. crazy 03. worst question to ask: hmm i think you should always ask questions. [Jewelry Worn Daily]:earings,plugs,barbells,necklace [Pillow]: :( i dont want mine [Shoes]: black vans&pink star laces. chucks [Favorite top]: sweaters [CD in stereo right now]: split cd. matt skiba&seven seconds [Piercings]: ears(lots). navel twice [Hair]: drk brown [Wishing]: i could go on a road trip. [After this]: try to sleep again [Talking to]: ::cricket sounds:: [Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: change. [Something that you are deathly afraid of]: being stabbed.the dark sometimes.spiders. [Do you believe in love]: oh yes. [Do you believe in love at first sight]: NO [Do you believe in forgiveness]: of course! [If you could have any animal for a pet]: flying squirrel [What are 3 cities you would like to be relocated to?]: San diego, gallup, anywhere but indianapolis [What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: cake. twix. brownies. [What's something you wish you could understand better?]: people. [In the last 24 hours, have you] 01. Cried: yes 02. Bought something: 3CDs 03. Gotten sick: chapped lips...:( 04. Sang: :) 05. Eaten: yeah :/ too much 06. Been kissed: NO 07. Felt stupid: oh yes. 08. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: no people would take it the wrong way 09. Met someone new: nahh old friends! 10. Moved on: not quite. 11. Fought with your parent: no bad timing. wouldnt be nice of me 12. Had a serious talk: i wish.... 13. Missed someone: Always. 14. Hugged someone: yes 15. Laughed: a lot :) [Personal] 01. Who is your role model: anyone with a good heart. ex. brian at Perkins 02. What are some of your pet peeves: liars. adults(not sure why though) 03. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Nah 04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex: only a couple times. 05. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: nah 06. Have you ever lied to your best friend(s): when i planned her surprise party.. 07. Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: no,if they hurt me i cared about them. so i wouldnt wanna hurt them 08. Rather be dumper or dumped: oh it all sucks. 09. Rather have a relationship or a "hookup": well i wouldnt really know actually 10. Are you happy with you: not at all 11. Ever liked your best guy/girl friend: yeah 12. Do you want to get married: of course 13. Do you want kids: I WANT BABIES!! :D!!! 14. Do you believe in psychics: just strong intuition. 15. Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: doubt it. 16. What is your favorite part of your physical appearance: i just have good skin. 17. What is your favorite part of your emotional being: more understanding than some.not easily pissed off 18. Are you happy with your life: god no 19. If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: dunno where to start

today i hung out with my friend whos visiting from washington. it was nice. havent seen her in like two years. she went home for a while and then came back. we got coffee twice in one day whoa. Then we met jeremy ben and elizabeth at walmart,went back to jeremys, and then to dennys. i enjoyed it. wish i could have stayed for longer. today was one big reminder of OLD TIMES!!! ATTENTION: i was exposed to the Britney spears CD and it made me wanna DANCE. she still sings like crap in her music though. but this cd is enjoyable. im not gonna buy it though. waste of dollars ILL BE BACK ON THAT STAGE SOMEDAY I TELL YOU!!!

please? i need sleeping pills. its 9:00 in the morning and i still havent slept A WINK. thats right not even a wink. and i should be in florida right now how do ya like that? I doubt i will get any sleeping pills so ive decided to go to take my $60worth of STARBUCKS CARDS and spend the day drinking coffee, making my scrapbook, or reading a book...instead of sleeping..i think ive gone nuts my eyes are super ugly i hate it. they hurt so badly .gr! im such an ADD child. its like i feel like im going to miss out on something if i sleep so i cant. but i want to so bad. damnit! i need to find one of my druggie friends. im sure theyd have something to help me sleep...or i could just get some nyquil.. wuuteva soon i shall be caffinated

so its 4 in the morning and im still up and guess what im thinking about. yeah. so im sad that he left me. of course i am. but i cant forget that even i had to push thoughts of breaking up with him out of my mind. it wasnt that hard to do because i thought i was causing all the problems. i thought my paranoia was the real cause of all the tension and his lack of talk. i thought that as soon as i relaxed things would get better. i thought that it was just a phase. i thought he was gonna stick with this and if i didnt wait out what could be a phase after wanting him for so long. well i would have been left wondering forever. but why did i think all this? because he told me so. after our whole past, i even told him we could never be anything more now that i think about it. he looked me in the eye and promised me things would be different he said he wasnt giving me up again. so many times. tell the world how comfortable he was and tell me too.. he ditches me and i dont get mad i just tell him that i am sad things arent good with the fam. i still gave him the chance to go but no. he says he would be there. he apologized for not being there. he said we would hang out. then BAM its over. and then in a split second he tells me something thats contradicted EVERYTHING hes ever told me. everything that had to do with us as a couple anyways. i mean i let him string me along i know i never pushed him away accept for in kentucky.. i guess this is what i get for being "the faithful one" USED but we were friends and i could make excuses before but by now he should have known that he didnt have the right feelings for me. i could pretend that i wasnt his rebound girl or the girl to get his mind off kayti before. but theres no getting around it this time. hes lied to me. and if he never felt right with me this time then he never felt right before. he wanted me when it was convenient for him. my friend. my BEST FRIEND thats so hard to get over. it was only wierd when he flirted and i didnt know how to act or when other people were around (LAME PAT, LAME!) but i always felt like if i really needed something he would have been there. aside from the many many people that i know, i really only had him and adriana. and how sad that when scott and andrew invited me to get him the first thing i think is "i bet he wont be happy to see me" my friend. my BOYFRIEND. and i was right. i was ignored MY FRIEND MY FUCKING FRIEND! used me, lied to me, and now has completely abandoned me and doesnt even care when i announce that hes throwing our friendship away. it hurts that this friend who i happened to like who i happed to give a year of my life to after all the drama because i CARE ABOUT HIM... doesnt seem to mind my absence at all. i feel so dumb. i feel so sad.

DAMNED yeah i know. with an Entry Title like my determination you would think i would be feeling determined. you would think... like ive told a few people.. im not a total idiot when it comes to computers. i know enough HTML to make diaries pretty, mess with font and links, things of that sort.... but i cannot make a webpage for the life of me.. but im attempting to make one yet again. im feeling rather determined this time and i will probably be up all night, thats not to say that ill actually make any real progress, but i dont think i can pull myself away. which is why i feel damned. for me, wasting away my days in front of a computer screen for the sake of this webpage could be a very real possibility. wish me luck kiddies im off!

christmas sucks this year. i feel so out of place. i feel so not me and i feel myself getting a little less not me every day. lately ive been looking at a lot of old pictures and for Xmas i got like 10 rolls from middle school developed and it made my day. but im looking at these pictures and my scrapbook my mom is making me and i suddenly remember that i didnt always feel the way i do now. i remember sorta feeling like i wasnt as close to my friends because i came to the group late. but never alone. and never so detatched all the time. i want that back . i want my friends back. i want me back. so depressing on christmas! im so sorry!! forgive me . have merry holidays you all

its JEREMY in the marines aww tear* what a skinny kid but he has nice blue eyes.might be too small to tell.. this is the lasttime i will talk about pat. * i promise* do you not even want to be my friend? because i know youve seen everything about how i just needed one thing from you and you still refuse. even as a friend. well if my friendship doesnt mean that much to you then fuck your friendship.i never thought id have to say these things to you, of all people, but now i have a really bad image of you, because you werent around to make me think differently. im done waiting on you. can you believe i actually said all that? on a much better note.. its christmas eve!!!! and theres... SNOW! holy shit its what ive been waiting for im so incredibly happy about the freakin snow! i think i will break tradition and not attend church this year. i always get in nice clothes and put on my dimond necklace to go to a candle light service. but my parents go to a new church now. tradition is already broken and it would be strange to see lauren and simon if they were there. now im off to finish my drawing and watch the construction workers do doughnuts in the street outside my house [edit:]i promised someone pictures.. but they are being gay so i will try again soon

its 3 AM. saturday night i went to sleep at 5 AM and woke up at like 8 30 sunday morning. i needed to sleep that night. but i didnt get to. ive had 2 1/2 hours of sleep. so thats like 5 1/2 hours of sleep in... a long ass time..cant figure it out now youre keeping me up and i didnt want to beg you. i really didnt. i dont even like asking for things let alone begging.. but i am so tired and my eyes hurt and my face is getting ugly. i have my "plan B" for if you decide not to talk to me my letter and my box.but im starting to see that if you decide not to talk to me that letter isnt going to do me any good. my mind is going a mile a minute and i cant stop asking myself questions and thinking of things that i wish i could just let out but you wont let me i just want to sleep and be done i dont want you back alright? please