So sunday was my one year anniversary of making my sitdiary. Its crazy what all this thing holds. I think my private entries are my most important. Although, they disclose things I really don't want to remember. I've been wanting to update about some things for awhile, and i usually rely on myspace, but i can get to the blog section on there cuz im using a proxy. It's probably better to be on here though, since no one uses it much anymore. I went to prom saturday. It was ok i guess. Much better than last year. I felt bad about ditching stephen, but i didnt really have a choice. it made it a little worse once i realized something. but i apologized and i guess its ok now. weird thing is, my texting bill is going to be off the wall this month. I talked to joey, the most unlikely, about some stuff after school today. I hate when people make me realize things im trying to repress. I like to pretend if i ignore something long enough, it'll go away. Yeah, no such luck. Ive realized it really sucks to finally know what you want, and to simultaneously know that there's one thing and one thing only standing in your way. And the things people have said lately confuse me. Their actions and words are completely contradictory. Then again, they always have been, so im not sure why im expecting them to change now. I think i got my job for the wrong reason. It was more to prove something than anything else. But i'm glad to have one now. It gives me an excuse to skip out on things. Dustin got kicked out. Good news? At the moment, the location of movie night is closer to my house, which makes it inherently easier to get to and from there without so much crap. Bad news? heather more than likely wont be there. Kind of ironic isnt it? Less than three month ago that probably would have made me the happiest person alive. Things have changed though. Shes someone i can talk to, most of the time. I'd like to be as close to her as i am to julie, but i dont know if thats really possible or not. I dont think either of us will ever trust each other fully. That pretty much sucks. But I'm not as quick to dish things i know anymore. I'm valuing her friendship more. People have asked me to tell them things, and i havnt. Like lauren just now asked me how exactly heather feels about brandon, but i said i wasnt gonna tell her. You know what really bothers me? Everyone has an attitude lately. And they've all gone bipolar. It's like you say or do the slightest thing wrong, or hell, if you breath within 600 feet of them, you're the worst person in the world. It's getting kind of annoying. Thats why im just not talking to people much anymore. I don't have the patience. I've got enough to worry about with mamaw and her tumor, pap being sick, herb having cancer....and everything just all fucking up at once. My more typical petty teenage issues are, with no names added: someone is criticizing every move i make, and its starting to get old. someone is confusing me to the point that i wanna scream. someone needs to decide what she/he wants. i might have minimal feelings for someone, but im never saying a word to anyone about who it is. i dont want anything more than friendship with this person, and someone finding out what make that impossible. im having problems letting go of memories i have. i keep getting these flashbacks when im trying to sleep that lead me to crying and keep me up all night. some of these memories arent bad ones, i just dont want to think about them because i miss it. and the others are ones that make me wanna scream when i think about. oh. and i think i havnt moved on as well as i originally thought i had. im a pathetic liar. i guess i'lll go to bed now. its nice to get things off my chest.