So I haven’t quite been to many places. But I know enough from life experiences to know that no matter what you may have been through. You are still most likely to go through them someplace else. Just so you can go through the same mistakes, and learn from them. Am I making sense? hmm, I quite doubt that I am. Oh well. *sigh* So I’ve been wanting to write for the longest time. But I rarely have any time for that, and honestly I don’t quite know what to write anymore. I still get all these creative things rushing to my head. But I guess I don’t have enough space in my head to quite execute them and have it published out of my mind. As a designer you are trained to think out of the box, but while in school. Your teachers will lecture you to stay within the box confines because you are sill learning and its safe. All my life I have been playing it safe. Always did what the teacher wanted me to do, I always obeyed my father and my elders. As for respecting my mom, thats a WHOLE different story. But other than that, I have always done what I’ve been told, as best to my abilities. And honestly, I am SO sick of it. I want to start doing things OUT of the box. I want to break down the barriers and make some noise. But, is it really wise? I supposed not. But what the heck, right? Honestly, I don’t quite know where I stand anymore… or have I always been like this? I can’t remember. Yes, I have always been the ‘black sheep’ of my family. But now… I don’t know anymore. “/ Lately I have been having crazy dreams. Most of them evolving me going back to my ex. And it’s funny, even in my dreams, I can’t stand him, and I know that subconsciously… but I’m just settling for him. Well bad news for him, but good news for me. I know for a fact I will NOT settle for him. I love myself enough to know that I deserve someone who is capable of being there for me, to love me, to be the best he can be for me. And I in-turn will try to be the best I can be. It may sound simple in my head… But, again… I know better. Most guys (even girls!) are too lazy to try anymore. We all complain at least once in our lives about how we will never find that one and we will always be lonely. Sad, but that fact is. We are too lazy and think we ourselves shouldn’t have to work for it, that the other person should. What the hell happened to chivalry?! courting a love one? blah. enough ranting. gday.

I dont know why or anything... but for some reason I have been feeling really unhappy and bitter towards everyone and everything. In about eight days, I'll be turning 21, and honestly. I am not looking forward to it. okay now that I think of it, I kinda think I know why I'm feeling bitter and what not... it has to do with a guy (go fig) This guy is... was a classmate and he's a musician and yea... I think I have fallen for him. And even tho I have known about him seeing this one girl, it still kinda gets to me. "/

I'm too mixed up and emotional to pin point my reasoning for the mood I am in. damn weather has got me gloomy I guess. But damn it! I love the rain ¬¬. fml

shit, so I've had this troubling thought in the back of my mind for the last few days. And today my friend L had just made that worrisome feeling more apparent to my mind. I think I might be pregnant... idk... I mean Im on the pill, but this past month I've been somewhat forgetful... but only for like two days... but idk.. ugh... but I have a appt for a ultrasound, to get my ovaries and fallopian tubes checked... :/ a part of me is torn... I really want to have a child... but I know for a fact that Im not ready... nor is the guy I am with... he's the type to avoid you and wanna break up with you if he were to find out he fathered the child... I know I should just dump him... and well Im trying to let go[again]... and in some fucked up obscure twisted way I am... Im slowly letting go of him.

This has got to be the most shit-tastic year ever... well atleast when it comes to holidays... well what can i expect right? the year was brought in with a shitty bang... new years was the most shittiest one ever.. and now all my holidays this past year has been the most shitty one ever.. easter, my bday/independence day and now thanksgiving... now I have had my share of shit-tastic holidays... but this just blows all the holidays from previous years before out of the water... its close to finals, this is my 3rd time retaking my quarter review class... and now I may have to retake it for the fourth time along with my other classes bc my mom decided that it will be funny to drop my laptop on the floor and break it... when she knows full well that i stress out really easy... now? i lost everything, including the stuff on my external drive, which not to mention it was hooked on to my laptop and that too broke... i just dont have anything to be grateful at the moment..if you think this is overreacting, hell give the same situation to someone else who attends my school and hell put them in a different major [accept culinary, they dont have the same aspect as IMD or any other major] but they will react the same or worse

can I just go and die now?

i feel like such a whiny bitch.... Im also starting to get too attached to C. Im thinking of following the family's rule of thumb. I need to back off and forget about love and what not. I just..idk... I feel like I have to fight for his attention whenever HMK is around.. and thats pretty much EVER FCK'N MOMENT! its not right nor fair for me.... idk... am i just over reacting or what? i..ugh... whatever....

So here I am at C's place... and Im chilling w/ L... well was... shes now in her room... C is on his comp.... hmm i think I might go sit next to him and lay on him and have him wake me up before we leave.... were going to go see twilight... L got like 16 ppl to go... so were all meeting up at the theater... so far today has been decent.... Im just waiting till i get to see my dream hubby, Jackson xD hmm man I fucken wish!! but today L and I went to ross B&BW, saw our old co-worker [who is also joining us tonight] then we went to TGIFridays [my treat] then the 99cent store and bought TOOONNNSSS of sweets for the movie tonight... hmm... okay you know what im running on only one hour of sleep sooo Ima go and cuddle up with the idiot bf, who i somehow meraciously love... hmm but yea... cya!!

I'm such a pyro, and hungry... haha... Im tempted to go up the street to buy some marshmallows and chocolate I already have the gramcrackers! and then walk 3 blocks down and make me some smores! oh btw just in case you didn't get whats going on, there's a fire 3 blocks away from my home... I was outside for a while just admiring its beauty :) I might post some pics... idk... but damn how many fires' are we going to have in a year?! is it just me, or has there been more fires this year?

Well I'm cutting again... great, just fucken great..¬¬ for the past 3 days I've been inflecting damage to myself... right now its the only way I know how to relive the pain/agony thats within me. I know I should seek help and whatnot, and I really do. BELIEVE ME! I DO! Its just.... I've never had a good experience w/ a shrink. Ever since I was a kid, I never liked it. And it never helped... :/ boy am I screwed.

you see her smile everyday, her eyes usually look like they are full of life. Secret: they aren't full of life, their really full of pain You tell her one thing and the next you fall back on your words Its nothing but 180 tricks with you. Yet, she sets herself up, like a fool she is. There are days where she doesn't bother with you anymore Then there are other days where she cant take it anymore. She leaves herself "beauty" marks on her skin. Just to distract the pain in her heart. Do you ever notice them? I bet you dont. Why she lets herself get like this? Beats me. But she must love those marks. Because i see her looking at them everyday and Often I've been seeing more. -[ica]

right now I cant seem to stop staring at my banners on to the left.... the Postsecret pics, "were all waiting for something" and "I Cant Let Go." hmm oh well... well today is sunday, whoopie-doo-da-fuk... ¬¬ well the only good thing about sundays in my book is that Postsecrets update today, and True Blood airs tonight... The only thing Im also looking forward to this week is Twilight... Thrusday night/Friday morning. As for school? meh, finals are coming up, and Im not looking forward to getting a new one torn by Claire.. ¬¬ For some reason shes the only person that I have had at that school who doesnt like my designs nor my concepts. But as for everyone else, my fellow peers and teachers, they LOVE my creative style... but meh... okay im off to attempt to get some work done... gah I really need to stop procrastinating.

왜 제가 노력하고 도움을 방해합니까? 내가 너한테 아무것도주지 때 또는 어떤 빌어먹을 망할 충고를 듣지 않아? 당신은 오히려 거꾸로 위에 엉덩이를 굽어있어, 그 사람은 당신과 당신이 사용할 때 분명히 오히려 상처 "친한 친구"라고했다. 그들이 당신의 장점을 모두 할 수있다. 하지만, 젠장, 그냥 냅둬. 만약 네가 그렇게한다면, 그렇게하고 싶어요. 난 널 도우려고 노력 다했어. 그리고 여기서부터, 난 영원히 내 침묵을 지키려고 노력하고 도움을 중지합니다...

okay one more thang.... OUCH! MUTHER FUCKER! ¬¬ on the 100 monkeys music page [myspace] their new bg hurts my eyes... Idk if it was J. Action (AKA: Jackson Rathbone... also known for Jasper Hale in Twilight) or one of his friends... but Im sure they are having a laughfest... ¬¬

I need some comfort food :/ but Im not hungry, tho I really should try and manage shove something down my esophagus... Today feels like a sunday :/ a hot sunday...

soo i should be happy... but I'm not, because I'm not getting what I had truly wanted. oh man I sound soo pathetic. I had three.. err... two different plans Plan A: Move in with the BF and his roommates... Plan B: Move in w/ my BFF and talk the BF into coming along. Plan C: Fuck Plan A&B and just apply for a cruiseline job. Plan A: one of his roommates has a problem with me moving in, mostly bc C••• and I dont have a "healthy" relationship in that lil fuckers eyes... Plan B: I wont move in with my bff if c••• wont move with us... and from the way things look, hes not going to move... at least not with me.. soo Plan C: which I should be happy! but im not... reasons why I should, is bc I would get to travel for FREE, get a room and food for free plus I would be getting paid and benefits... but im not happy, actually im more depress then ever ;/

so much has changed... yet it didn't ugh this love shit is soo fucken complicated. He says he loves me and for a good 30 mins he's the sweetest guy ever. BAM he's the biggest jerk you have ever met. I guess I should start from the begging huh? hmm idk, its gonna be a long one.... plus I still have hw to do before my afternoon class starts. ¬¬ fucken CK fuck it ------------------------------------- The following has been hidden... I dare you to try and find it tho. C had asked me to move in with him and his roomies in March, bc their lease to the place they are at now is gonna end in march. and everything has been going great between us both. Hell even for awhile thats all he could talk about, and he was worried that I was gonna be hesitant. Then he began to plan out how we would want our room, he would ask me questions. Ie: where do you want our bed to be placed hun? should we buy new sheets? are the sheets I have comfortable for you? is there anything you plan on hanging up on the walls? ect... then about two weeks ago. my girlie L was having a convo with J (for the sake of it ima use his nickname HappyMealKid...aka HMK... later on I'll go into why thats his nickname)... well hmk had told L that he didnt want me there, he doesnt think C and I have a "healthy" relationship... then L told hmk some random crap how he cant know he doesnt know nor see what goes on when no one is really around and thats just how they C & I act... plus not to mention Im not one to be very talkative let alone I dont like talking to C when others are around, but im like that with all my friends... bc I easily get sidetrack and theres just some things I dont want ppl to hear or what ever... meh... anyways back to the subject.. L later told him that she will just move out and get a place with me, but its not fair for her nor C... but if anything C and G [G is her bf] will end up moving out too and moving in with us.. hmk told her that C wont ever move out, he's not that kind of guy and that he wont leave his friends just for some girl whom hes gonna eventually break up with and that C doesnt love me enough to just do that... ¬¬ soo L told me this when she wasnt supposed to... and I told C what had happened... but I didnt mention the "oh he doesnt love her enough to move in with her" shit... well i kinda did... i think i fucked up right there... bc well for a while C was pissed at hmk.. but was whatever and he was gonna move in with L, G and me .... well up till last week he gave me his answer.... hes staying with the guys... ¬¬ ya know I wouldnt mind it if it was G or some of his other friends like L's cousin. bc he has known them longer than he has known me or just the same amount of time... but noo... He has only known hmk for about 2 years.. I think less but what ever.. and he has known me for about 5 to 6 years and we've been together for close to 3 years... I mean am I wrong to get pissed off about this?! srsly now... ugh.. i just feel so betrayed now.. then I think I fucked up even more... bc I sorta gave him a ultimatum... i told C that if we dont move in together by the time I get my degree, I'm leaving town... Im going to apply for a job on a cruise ship. And I had let him know that I would be gone at months at a time and rarely home...but thats only if he and i dont end up moving in together by the time I graduate college and what not... and he had said "okay hun, I'll miss you but I hope you will have fun" WTFH!? ¬¬ im srsly getting sick and tired of this 180 shit.. i swear im going to get whiplash from this fucken shit... anyways J's nickname is hmk bc hes soo fucken depress and what not, trying to off him self and what not... he needs a fucken happy meal! personally I think he has no right to judge mine & C's relationship. besides hmk is a freakin stalker... he stalked one of my good friends and kept telling her that he is in loved with her, that they are ment to be bc he has had dreams of her..and that he wont give up and that she will soon see it that they are made and he tried to kill himself to use that as a leverage for her to go out with him.. hmm gee be the judge. ya think he has the right to judge anyones relationship besides his fucken own? im out. time to work on hw>

i feel so...displace.. i dont know if i stopped loving him or what... i feel like i am not worth loving. bc he didnt/doesnt want to put the effort in. LOVE funny thing isnt it?? or was i in just a illusion of false pretense love? I want to kiss him and see if i still feel anything...or if he misses me... well nov 3 if my friend kims baby shower. I had hoped to go with cody. but that doesnt seem to be looking like a bright future... i have a better chance of getting hit by a car again

im so happy right now. my best effen friend whom i have known for like 8 years now is having a baby boy :] Ethan is what their naming him :]

today seemed good. conversations leading to me to think that I am a cunt. that maybe I push people away. I mean i dont like confrontation so i back off and give so&so their space. but apparently it makes me seem like a cunt. i just need space that is clean. so I can do my hw. Pros: Got good marks on my web-design comps :] saw superbad with one of my roommates i feel chipper [well sorta-kinda-not-really] I have a stable relationship with mom I over analyze myself [good? bad??] Im moving to a cleaner place moving in with mom{good?? bad??] Cons: I dont even know who i am these days i am begging to lose my relationship with grandparents sorta-kinda-not-really feel sad i think I need to seek therapeutic help. I over analyze myself [good? bad??] Im moving and im going to miss my friends moving in with mom {good?? bad??] my grades no car no license dont really got anyone to talk to anymore [about anything...i think ill take that therapy session right about now] do i want to stay in IMD?? money sucks need a job this...my over analyzing pros and cons HOUSING housing rules loans *update* WOW! I cant say |c|u|n|t| on here w/o the "|" or else they change the wording to like 'vagina'.... intresting..