okay.. so ive decided to screw the whole password thing, and say fuck you to everyone who makes assumptions about about what i say on here.
First off - i would like to point out that i use this thing to vent out the thoughts in my head. most of which happen to be irrational. but isnt that the point? to figure out wtf is going on.. .yeah. usually. dumbfucks
Secondly - this is a trashcan for all of my stupid little things. and frankly if your gonna be a prick - piece off. thank you kindly
and Thirdly - i dont give a shit
Now - I will finally make another entry about whatever it is that i am doing right this second. so fucking deal with it.
But I digress.......
i'm bored. unbelievable shit has happened this week with everyone that i know. its terrible. i'll talk about it later cuz i cant type about it right now cuz i'll probably start crying. But to give you a little taste of whats to come.. people are dying, children are crying, and i cant mother the world. things are confusing with my own important relationships that i cant figure out because its difficult to talk to some people about some things.not even some things, but most things. but i guess i gotta work on that...
love you
well, just for future reference, all of my passages will be private now becuase some un-named person was a douch bag and thought he knew me and decided to pass judgement. all of my passages will now be password protected, so if your some random person - IM me on ShadesofExticy and i'll give you the word, and if your a good friend i'll give it to you also. but until then.... take care now. buhbye
""...... Liars harm themselves, but if that were the only damage they do, we'd sleep better at night. The price we pay for lies we are told tends to be higher and the damage more painful. for those of us who value close relationships, lies can do harm to what is dearest to our hearts. They can utterly destroy a sense of intimacy, especially if one of the two people involved lies and the other does not. The shock of discovering that someone to whom you feel close deceived you can be tremendous, and the loss of trust and disappointment following the discovery can seriously impair, and sometimes destroy, a relationship….â€â€
Today, at approximatly 1a.m. in the morning ; we lost the lives of two of the most beautiful women in the Country. Shauna and Meghan Murphy (G-D rest them) were in a single car accident that took both of their lives, and almost the life of Mel Smith. I hear now that she is doing very well after the initial surgery and will be out of the ICU in a week, give or take. "The Lord giveth; and he taketh" and he took the two most kind girls I've known. I didn't know Meghan so well, but I knew her as a child. And she was always so sweet. I knew Shauna for 13 or 14 years, and we were close for 6 or 7 of them. I'm going to miss her alot - but then again - so is the majority of two towns.
After I heard the news I was stupid enough to call Ben... that was dumb. He didn't seem to care that two of my friends had died, and at the time we thought Mel was going to leave us too. I'm so glad she's not. He just didn't know what to say - but it didnt help that he wasnt talking ot me to begin with. At least he didnt hang up on me. that was really really nice. he still tries. its sweet.
"look at the stars - look how they shine for you..." You two shared everything ; clothes, secrets, friends. And now you share death, at least neither of you had to bear this alone.
TO JEFF - Two years ago you fought to prevent your good friend from leaving a party drunk... and now you have to bear and suffer your two baby sisters... our prayers are with you.
but now, rest assured - we know who the two most beautiful angels in heaven are.
*in a sing-song voice "i loooove him"*
My world is falling apart. Ben is in the process of breaking up with me. All i've ever wanted was for him to be happy, but what hurts so much abotu it is the fact that he dosent want to even try to put things into perspective. without letting me understand. my world... is broken. i dont know what to do. hes making a decision based on this upcoming week, during which we wont be talking. its not fair. at all
first he pulls the pieces of my heart back together. gives me somethign that noone else has, and then takes that away. and now hes taken away his love. without giving me a chance to understand.
hes making such a buge mistake. and i know that because of the sacrifaces that id do for him. example - the abortion. was ONLY done for him. id have done anything to keep damien... but i did it for ben. so he could have a future. becuase it would make him happy. god. i'm so madly in love with this boy. theres no doubt that id go to any length for him. no doubt at all.
This past week has been a shithole and a half. Ben has been nothing but a jerk, and yet again its my fault. the redsox sucked (big suprise) and brought him really down. now, if i were his # 1 than that would not have been a problem becuase he still would have been happy. but now im not even sure if im in the upper 5. Dan and Andy tell me that he loves me, but he wont. whats the deal? He dosent even want to see me this weekend. big suprise. i hope things arnt ending. our 6th month is next saturday? (the 15th). its really hard to find the right medium of "i love you" and "you suck". hes not the best boyfriend that ive had. but hes the most important part of my life and really. it sucks. i'm so afraid of losing him. hes been such an important part of my life since i met him last year. i know that that when im with him or talking to him, or even talking about him, that im happy. why do things have to fall apart once i get used to feeling again?
Well, I'm really glad that noone reads this. Becuase now it is time for me to vent about things that dont really matter to anyone. Which is why it is online. Becuase I have noone to talk to. Except for my therapist, but he dosent count becuase he only tells me that I'm not worthless. Which is huge bull shit.
Why does everyone come to me with relationship problems? Whether it be between friends and lovers, everyone seems to find a way to me. I meet people online and within the hour they are asking for my advice. Now, everytime I fix someones relationships, I fuck up my own. So what am I to do? Well, considering how none of my relationships ever work out - I continue to help people and suffer with the consiquences. The most recent example would be - Sharon and Tony were having huge difference. Broke up. He was being a prick, I told her to stop talking to him and seeing him as a friend. SHe dosent, and now wishishes that she had. result - Lindsey (Brad's sister) had a bitch-fest on my ass. That was a bad example but i really dont want to get into the crap going on with ben until later on.
I had to spend my tuesday out of school wtih Charlie Ferris, Ashley's bf. NOT FUN! my ribs are purple poka.dotted with bruises from being tickled. It wouldnt have been so bad if Ashley had been allowed to come over after work as well, like she was supposed to . GAAA! then had to go out to DINNER! GAAAA . I still have trouble when people mention that. The memories are just so horrific.
*sigh* I really feel like I should be venting about all the bad things going on with Ben. But quite frankly its too depressing. And I love him, very much. very very very much. And everything will work out becuase he loves me too. We just need to talk about it. AGAIN
When you're standing on the edge of nowhere
There's only one way up
So your heart's got to go there
Through the darkest night
See the light shine bright
When hero's fall, in love or war
They live forever
[Chorus:]
This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scared I'll
Be by your side
And this is a song - for the lonely
When your dreams won't come true
Can you hear this prayer
'Coz someone's there for you
We'll love don't need a reason
She can pick you up
Or leave you bleeding
I've seen a strong man cry
I know the reason why
We all forgive, we all forget
We just keep believing
[Chorus]
So let it find you
Wherever you may go
I'm right beside you
You don't have to look no more
You don't have to look no more, oh no
[Chorus]
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright
This is a song
A song for the lonely
And that's not you only
Through the darkest night
You're gonna see the light
Love don't need a reason
Just to leave you bleeding
Can you hear this prayer
Someone's there
This is a song - for the lonely
Can you hear me tonight
For the broken hearted, battle scared
I'll be by your side
And this is a song
for the lonely
I'm so selfish. so utterly disgustingly selfish.
I'm sorry Ben. I miss my baby - and I can't believe that I expected you to be able to make up for that
ON a side note - i'm very very bored.