And i think to myself. . . Lately, things have been all weird with my friends. Even though It all seems fine, i know that there is some missing piece in all of us...just no one knows what it is. And its scary. Today was Dirk and Caroline's one year anniversary, and although a year isnt that long in the real world, in our simple trite high school lives, it is forever. So much can happen in a year, and i am very happy that they have made it this long. At the same time, it kinda made me realize that i dont have many friends right now that i think are gonna be around by next year. It is scary to think of the relationships that we make and break so casually nowadays. It is now a normal thing to be best frineds with someone one week, and the next you have practically forgotten their names. Thsi lack of commitment is definitely nothing that i enjoy, and is not a good way of living if you are one that becomes attached easily. I am one of those people. I try soo hard to get people to like me, but at the same time, i dont try at all. I find it very hard to be myself around most people. For some reason, i am so horribly insecure that i feel like i nedd to "soften myself" a bit in order for m people to like me...and eventually i will grow on them. Im sure that these insecurities and flaws in character are shared with many of you, so you can understand the harsh reality that meeting new people entails. I miss knowing who my friends are. I miss knowing that i have at least one person there to catch me when i am falling. I miss the feeling of safety i get when i am with my friends, even though they are making fun of me half the time. I miss them making fun of me. It made me feel accepted (its weird i know). It made me feel. . . loved. That is gone. I feel like the bonds that held me so close to my friends are slipping further and further away from me and even though i am watching it happen, i know that there is absolutely nothing that i can do about it, bc i may be the only one that wants to fix it. i feel so alone. The only time i really feel safe now is lying in my own bed at night. Before i start thinking about all this shit, i feel so much better. But the thoughts start flowing like the blood from my veins. And it only brings me back to this painful monotonous little world that i am forced to thrive in, bc i cant find an escape. Not in sleep, not in death. Nowhere. I am trapped in a life that isnt inviting at this time, and that, slowly, more and more everyday, drags me further and further under, and smothers me a little more with every fight that i get in with my friends , or my family, with every loved ine that dies, with every thought of him, with every time someone else makes me feel unloved. My tears are the only release from my body in which i am suffocating. And im scared. . . . what a wonderful world.