Well it is 2:35 in the morning and I can't sleep and apparently neither can my husband because he is out riding around and I couldn't go with him because he wouldn't be able to get tired if I went with him. Is it just me or does that sound like a load of shit? Some chick that's in his unit called around 12:30 but he didn't answer the phone because we were in the middle of something, but she didn't leave a voicemail and if she was calling him at 12:30 in the morning, it better be something important about work and if it was so important why did she not leave a voicemail? And why is he now gone? I would never in my wildest dreams think that Michael would cheat on me...these days I'm not so sure. Last night a girl called his phone and I answered and she said she had the wrong number. I also told him that night that I didn't know if I could ever trust him again because every tim I have trusted him he has ripped out my heart and stomped on it. I told him I wanted a divorce because it wasn't fair to either one of us to be in a relationship where there is no trust and he said that I should give it time to build the trust back...I know that the trust isn't going to come back after one night, but it sure as hell isn't going to come back when there are chicks calling him in the middle of the night and he's looking up shit about e for his friends on the net. Hell, for all I know, he's still doing that shit. For all I know, he's there fucking her right now. He got very angry with me last night for accusing him of cheating on me because he swears up and down that he would never do anything like that to me because he would never want to hurt me like that. But the question is, does he think he can do it without me finding out about it and that way he can do it without me getting hurt? Once again, I'm very confused. I just finished a book by Sylvia Browne and I must admit that I have been a bit weirded out the past couple of nights. I'm assuming the only people who read this are my friends and you all know that for a while I practiced Wicca so I was very in touch with the spirit world, now I'm not. But the thought of me opening up my eyes and having a ghost or spirit standing above me watching me is somewhat disturbing and I can't seem to shake that feeling. It is that feeling that prevents me from finding the sandman this morning. For everytime I begin to dose, I am startled by what appears to be nothing and my heart is racing. I think it is something telling me that there is something very wrong going on. What amazes me is a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day. I told her how I was feeling and she said she doesn't believe in ghosts or spirits. She says that is what happens when you are raised in a christian home. Here I am confused. How can you believe in God and not believe in spirits? Or even better, how can you believe in God and not believe in Satan? What people do not seem to realize is that they come hand in hand. It does not mean that you worship Satan if you recognize his existance. I have to laugh at those who say that they are christian but they do not believe in the devil. For a while when I was claiming to be aethiest so I would not have to face those who were too ignorant to understand Wicca, I was faced with numerous arguments from people claiming that I was a devil worshipper. Once again, if someone does not believe in God, they DO NOT believe in Satan. The two are connected. Some people's logic confuses me so. So apparently tomorrow I am supposed to go to the gym because I have not gone at all in the past three months and I am very disappointed in myself for allowing the previous events to prevent me from taking care of myself. I have definately felt a difference in my energy levels. Last weekend I went over to my friends house and got very very drunk. I have not been that drunk since senior prom (the first time I ever blacked out from drinking). Needless to say, I blacked out last Saturday. My friend did as well. My friend's husband had never seen her that drunk before and she said some very harsh things to him about their relationship. Well, since I was around her the first time he saw her get that drunk and she hurt his feelings, what else would be the logical thing other than to blame it on me? That is exactly what happened. He said that he doesn't think I am a good influence on her. This is amazing to me, because other than Chris's bitch of a mother, I have never been referred to as a bad influence, even though I am very outspoke and for the most part a bitch. I understand he was just searching for an easy way out when he said that, but it still hurt nonetheless. But I think he's over it now. I know he was also concerned for her job because she is my manager and we could both get fired for partying together because we are supposed to maintain a profesional distance, but that's all about to change because I got the job at the furniture store, so as of the 21st I will only be an oncall employee for GNC, which is cool, because it means I'll work there a couple of days a month for a little extra pocket money and I will still be able to continue to get my extra 30% discount. Which even if I didn't I have a couple of friends who would get me my stuff. I'm hoping that the furniture is what I need right now, if not, I know I will always have a place with GNC and since I am going to stay on as an oncall employee, if things don't work out I can go back fulltime and my raise won't start over, so that will be cool. But I pray that the furniture store will be what it is supposed to be for my pocketbook. Wow, this thing turned out to be very random...just kinda jumps from one thing to another...its kinda funny...well I guess I'm gonna go for now...maybe I'll go in a chatroom or two...or maybe I'll try to be an adult and let Michael do whatever he wants, even if that is throw our marriage away, and just go to sleep.