I'm feeling distanced from everyone. I want so much from D, and we're so good, but so bad... R and I go up and down, sometimes we're so close, others so far apart. I miss DM. The talks, the silent understanding, more emotion than we bargained for... And J... Oh J. I want to lay in his arms and listen to the beating of his heart so badly. How I miss him. 2 of the above mentioned 3 are married. I am married. I still dream of C. Can't get him out of my head. I miss him so much. It till hurts. It always will. I don't think I'll leave my husband. I've realized that I want what he has to offer more than I want to be with someone I love. Security. A house. Stability. I have so many secrets inside. So very man ysecrets. Sometimes I want to be alone again, with no secrets. I want to be alone, uncommited, however commited just the same. Who the hell came up with monagomy anyways? It's stupid bullshit. I miss J. I want D. I want to feel his hands in my hair and on my body again.. I thirst for his words of desire....

Wow. I never thought I'd be returning to this place. And yet here I am again, as this will be my only friend. My life is so complicated. I've been playig a part for hte past 2 years, and it's catching up with me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ He kissed me for the first time last night. It was so amazing. Ever touch, every look... I meet him at the C. He walked out nad right up to me, and kissed me over, and over, and over again. I wanted to devour him. He feels like fire on my skin. We ended up having sex in his truck, and it made me feel like I was in highschool. We're both married, and I'm good friends with this wife. But I am who I am, and I need to stop denying it. He loves his wife with all his heart as well, but he knows who he is. I am miserable in my marriage, but am too afraid to leave. I'm content, well taken care of, and t truly would KILL my husband if he knew. So, I'll stay, and quietly do what I need to do to make things work. If he finds out, we divorce. If I don't do what I need to while keeping it underwraps, we divorce. So, I'll do what I can to try and keep it together. But back to last night with D... I can't stop thinking about it. I crave his touch. I have for the years I've known him, but never thought I would actually egt to experience him. Just thinking about it makes me want to touch myself... I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but for hte next few nights I know I'm going to be hoping my phone goes off and it will be him seeing if I can get away again. Part of me wishes it never happened because I feel like an addict already waiting for the next hit. Part of me is so glad it finally did, because it's so good, I wanted it so bad, and it helped me come to some realizations. So long for now....

I will begin to write in this again...

I find myself comming to this website again all the time. I sign in, I hit the 'New entry' link, and I stare at a bank box not knowing what to write. I forgot how much I use to need his website, how much I needed the people who were here...spinthebottle, loucille, suicidalstella, nick...allthethingsyouhate. You all helped me get through so much, times where I didn't think I could get through another day. And I thank you for that. It got to a point where I no longer needed this journal. I think that now I may need it again. Jessica and I broke up tuesday. Does it hurt? Yes it hurts. But we both know it needs to happen. While we were together we both learned a lot, we grew a lot, and we learned how to stand on our own two feet again. We grew wings again, now it's time to use those wings and fly. The distance is too much, and although I love her, so much, and I know she loves me...It's time to take the seperate roads. I cried about it hich did suprise me. But I am okay. On a more positive note, Christopher told me thursday night that he loved me. I know that he does love me, but for him to be able to finally say that to me really does mean a lot. He leaves for NTC (the National Training Center, California) friday,then he deploys August 5th. He's going to be home next month hen I go home, and we're going to talk. He asked me how I feel about Hawaii (that's where he's stationed), and whatnot. So I don't know what he's thinking but I know he said that I'm not going to expect what happens when we go home... And I'm getting custody of my brother the end of next month. What am I going to do with him?

The beautiful girl. The one with the delicately tattered wings. They're healing gracefully. She's pruning her new feathers and mourning for her lost ones, but are they really lost? And the fact that she still has the strength to grow new ones, let alone prune them, shows you just how beautiful this beautiful girl really is. The one with the delicately tattered wings. She's gone away. But she'll come back. And one day her wings will be as magnificent as she is, and she will learn to fly. AND THEN WE WILL SOAR TOGETHER. Would you like to join us? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ JASMINE Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine Jasmine it's not the same without you, dear. Come back! :)

There is so much that I could say and would say...just to be able to write whatever I want and never have to worry about anyone ever finding it. But some things don't need to be written. Some things don't need to be remembered. And somethings need not even cross a persons mind ever again. This past week has really made me realize a lot of things. I always thought it would be Jessica that would mess things up and now I'm afraid that it might be me. I love her more than anything and anyone in the world...But I'm loosing me again. And when I'm lost it's like she doesn't exist. She is my life, my entire life...I don't know what I would do without her. She has become the key to my past, present and future. She has given me things that I never thought anyone could. I love her more than life itself. And I don't ever, ever want to hurt her. Three more years of being apart...Three more years of lonely nights, nights where I can't sleep 'cause she's not there, nights where I lay awake remembering the way she feels in my arms, the way she looks up at me and smiles, the way she holds my face as she kisses me...the way she tastes...the way she'll wiggle underneath me as she lets a moan escape her mouth and the pleasure show on her face before she gets embarrassed and puts her arm over her face... It's the little things that mean the most. And the little things that wouldn't let me walk away in Arizona. I promised her my life, the good and the bad and everything that comes with it. I told her I would be with her forever, that I would never leave her. And I won't. Over the past week I have done some things I wish I hadn't. Some of which I don't remember, some of which I wish I had made a better decision. None of which were wrong. As much as I grew when we were together, I am now growing while we are apart. And we're not growing apart...We're growing on our own which is the next step, I guess. See what happens and how we work through everything. Right? I lvoe her, and I am so proud of her. She hasn't been doing drugs, or drinking all that much...I dunno, i have too much in my head right now to think about anything but her...

I can't sleep. I called Christopher...For some reason today I just don't want to talk to Jessica. Not that I'll be able to really talk to her 'cause she never has time to sit and talk, and whenever we talk she's always surrounded by a bunch of people and doesn't really listen to what I say. So I called Christopher...And talked for about twenty minutes. It was pretty good. We talked abotu him deploying a little bit, he tried to make me not worry. He said tha tthere is no reason to worry, and he kinda has a point. He is very good at what he does. Him adn I are so good together, and when he talks to me like that and it makes me feel like he's right there in front of me holding my hands making me look at him as he tells me this, trying to take away all my worry...It's hard. I love Jessica, I really do, adn I want to be with her forever and always...But I know it's not going to happen. I guess part of me is just waiting for her to fuck it up. Ehich in't good, and I really don't know what the hell I'm going ot do when she does, if she does, but...I DON'T KNOW!!! I'm just so confused about everything tonight, and I know that tomorrow it won't be so bad, but for now...I don't feel right feeling the way I do.

So Jessica and I have been apart three days adn we are both not handling it well. I love her so much and I realize a lot of things even in the past three days being away from her. I love her so mcu hand I can't think about anything but her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, go home to her every night, wake up to her every morning...I want to hug her, hold her, love her, and fall asleep with her in my arms....I ve never felt quite the way she makes me feel before...We are so amazing together, and I pray everyday that it works out...

So being bisexual in a straight army proves to be pretty demanding. I found a girl that I am crazy about...But it's hard being wiht her cause we have to be so secritive about it I feel like she's my dirty little secret and I'm hers...And I hate that feeling. I just want to be able to go and tell everyone that I'm in love with this girl, and want to spend every moment I can with her I hate not being able to hug her and kiss her and hold her hand while were in public I hate not being able to tell other people all the amazing things that we do together...She turns my whole world upside down when I'm with her...I can't even describe how she makes me feel. I look at her when she;s sleeping alone in bed and I want to cuddle up in her arms, I want to pull her to me and run my hands up and down the length of her body..I want to e able to touch her, stroke her, taste her, smell her...

I have one month and two days left of school before I graduate and am officialy a 96B in the United States Army. Well, almost official. I still don't have my top secret security clearance. Or pass a PT test...I take it for the first time tuesday. I'm still pretty broke, but hopefully I can do it. There's a lot goign on in my life here in Arizona. First of all the army is not for me. And I refuse to change who I am because of what they want me to do. I am a bi-sexual. Right now I think I'm done with men...Except for Christopher. Things are getting better between him and I...Now that we're so far apart and talking again, we're oing pretty good with the communication thing. Except I only talk to him when he's drinking, and won't tell him anything that matters when he's sober...Which was the fight we had last night. The worst part was that most of what he said was true. Now how often does that happen??? UGH!!! My gram is doing good..It's pretty hard for her without me there...But shes doing pretty well with it. And Jess and I are doing really good right now. We got in a fight last night cause I got in a fight with Christopher. And I took it out on her. I dunno...Time for me to stop writing tonight...

So my grandfather died last night. I'll be leaving to go home tuesday or wednesday...Kinda sucks. Want to write so much more, but haven't the time. Will put in a LOT of info while at home...And feel free to write to me here at AIT.. Jasmine

I SURVIVED BASIC TRAINING!!!

Christopher stayed the night last night and Wally called me at 6:45 this morning on his way to work to tell me I had to be home when he got home from work, and that I had a half hour to get Christopher out of the house. Because I didn't leave my bedroom door open, and I didn't wake Christopher up at 6 am to go meet Wally. GRR!!! I hate my life!

Ugh, this project is BAD!!! Tired of working on it already, and trying not to freak out. I am so unprepared... 2:00 I present... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I PASSED!!!!!!

SOOOOOOO... Um... I dunno. Josh ships for Basic tomorrow, and I am not going to be able to bring him down tomorrow because I can't change the time of my tech presentation. Ugh, he's going to HATE me! Hopefully my tech project goes okay... We will see. For now I need to finish my project and work a little more on my presentation...

So, the picture is a Chinook, it's the helicopter that I want to fly...Going to e-mail SSG Simon in a minute and see if I can change my MOS to a warrent officer... WOW! So, I'm going to leave and go to basic regardless... Which means I need to find some motivation somewhere... Mayeb if I can still change my MOS I will get my motivation. I dunno, but I gotta do something. If I do change my MOS to warrent officer, I have a year and a half of training after 9 weeks of basic, and then I'm enlisted for six years... WOW! Big step considering that I was considering not going at all... We will see. I'm jsut really confused. And Chris still hasn't called me!!! Grr... I'm so pissed at him right now. And he had beast be maing time for me before he leaves, cause he only has 26 days before he goes... I love him so much, and it's going to be hard enough leaving but at least we're both going. Who knows, maybe it'll help things... You're a sexy girl! You are beautiful, and youlove attention from guys, and are veryflirtatous. You might come off as a slut andbitch to some but I think you have another sideto you that is pleaing for attention, love, andcare. You might be confident on the outside butdon't be afraid to unleash a more sensitiveside. Be better than just the average sexsymbol. What kind of girl are you? (with pix!) brought to you by Quizilla

It's days like today where I feel heavy. I take slow, deep, deliberate breaths because it feels as if the oxygen isn't making its way into my chest, and through my body. I walk heavy, tired like. I look at my photographs...And even the ones that use to amaze me now seem so...insignificant. I want to photograph the body...The female body...I want to photograph my own body...Maybe I could find a mirror and a good way to light my room, and photograph my reflection...Haha...Maybe. I dunno. This weekend should be good, and I will get some GREAT photos. Hahaha...

I'm logged in so I might as well write an entry... Christopher called me last night. His last day of school is friday. That's good for him 'cause his school is fighting to hold him and not let him graduate. A few of his teachers don't like him at all, and so he has bee nending up in the office everyday for hte past two weeks I guess. Oh well. He needs to quit with the drinking as well. He's got two friends that were arrested two weeks ago, and night before last I think it was, the paramedics had to be called. Yet he's still getting drunk everynight. And he complained about me drinking by myself last night?!?! I hate when he reminds me of what I should be and shouldn't be doing. He did say that he was very proud of me for my E-2 which I was FORMALLY presented with saturday, and that I am an amazing soldier already, and that he NEVER wants to hear me say I may not go again. He wasn't in the mood to lecture me on it, as he needs to do, and I was under sworn oath not to argue with him or anything or he was going to hang up 'cause he was sick and didn't want to talk to me anyways. But he stil called me 'cause he's bee nblowing me off, and he promised to call within a week when he was in a better mood. But I'm still missed, and still loved even though he's sick and was being cranky! Haha. On another note, I heard from Josh last night. He still hasn't e-mailed me back, but whatever. I will survive, and, like Chris, he will when he feels like it. School sucks, as always. I'm probably going to go down to Lebanon this weekend for lack of anything better to do, and I haven't been down in awhile. My friend turns 16 saturday and his parents rented club Electra from 1-4 and he really wants me to be there. I told him I would try, no promises, and if I went I wasn't going to dance. We will see what happens I guess.... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Not too sure about the results of this quiz... You scored as Loner. Loner56%Goth50%Stoner44%Punk/Rebel38%Ghetto gangsta31%Drama nerd25%Geek19%Prep/Jock/Cheerleader13%What's Your High School Stereotype?created with QuizFarm.com

For some reason I haven't felt the need to update this. Even if I have something to say, I just haven't. Maybe later... So...What has happened in my life in the past...week??? Where d I begin and what do I include? I can't believe that Josh has only been gone for a week. I got to see my pretty, pretty Ellie...I realized last night that I havent' truly smiled since the Wednesday I went to Fort Drum, NY. Why can't I feel about Josh the way I feel about Chris? Why must I feel so alone? Why must I feel like nothing I do matters, or is good enough? Why do I always secons guess myself and my decisions? Why do I feel incomplete?????

So...I'm now supose to completely have my life back...But it's not working that way. I feel slightly lost, a little more-so then I thought I would. And I feel...like I don't matter? Not really sure what I feel. Still so confused about everything...I hate it. I'm suppose to go work with Craig for the day today...Going to call him in abot ten minutes. It's really cold outside though. Walking here this morning made me think that we were back in Winter again. As long as the ground isn't white I guess I can't complain too much... Can't wait for basic...Kinda think that's all that's keeping me going right now.