well im tired, want my bed got introuble. but i dont give a fuck... band recorded a demo.the songs will be up on myspace soon. like today hopefully lol... uh, thats about it um, show on the 15th, and then the talent show the following week, and battle of the bands soon after. busy month lol. ok gotta go later onall

hmm, my life is a whirlwind hahah. cant keep a g/f for more than a couple weeks, the chick i want i cant have right now, another who is interested eh, my mom hates her with a passion and i was under the impression her dad hated my guts but according to her since he found out i wasnt the first person to fuck her he dont hate me. anyways, Hand of Blood is getting a lil noterioty we are opening for hyrarchy um april 15th the time is unknown right now flyers will be posted eventually all over interlachen, palatka, east palatka, melrose, keystone, hawthorne, and gainsville with details. i will tell you this it will be a gathering of hardcore shit!!!!! um, i have a few POW bikers that want to kill me hahaha. among a few other ppl who think they can kick my ass want to but i dont give a shit, they have had chances and havent so fuck them. um, thats about all, later the dead one mike

hmmm, havent had much to write about me and sissy are back, doing great... uh, band is doing pretty good, closed practice saturday and sunday. um, yeah thats about all... hm calling me a deuche bag or whatever that was i dont kare, names mean shit to me.... and if everyone hates me just come out and fucking say it, quit lying through your teeth.. um thats all later

well, the weekend sucked, i was practically couch ridden. couldnt do anything but sit around, and still havent gotten better. um, i went to sissy's house for a lil while yesturday, (for those who dont already know, we are back together) nothing happened cuz i forgot things... um, yeah. thats all on that um, didnt go to school, like anyone noticed, instead i sat here and did nothing sept sleep.. no news or anything reallly happening. um, yeah im done babbling on.

hm well, ill start off a lil odd today cuz thats how i feel. like ive been hiding my true emotions by hate for the past week or so. i say i hate ppl and all that crap. when really i dont mean it... like today i had a lil time to think about EVERYTHING. part of me misses miriah sooo much. i dont know why or anything. its all a huge fucking blur thats eating at me. i dont know what to feel or when to feel it. to make this all worst im torn between two other ppl maybe i dont need any fucking relationships. it all fucks me up emotionally and i loose focus in life and what I need to do to ensure the whole happyness and sucessfull thing. i dont know i dont know about anything theres so much doubt i have now.... hmmm, im going to stop cuz this is going nowhere and im getting lost again.... ill try to finish later.

well, beside me being sick as a damn dog.... this week has had its ups and downs... one i had to break up with sissy because i wasnt allowed to be involved with a girl because of my three F's on my report card..what kinda bull shit is that... um, 2 well, kyle has officially decided to consider himself a memeber of NTEG and sounds stoked. we have practice this weekend, i some how persuaded my mom to let me go over there. brownie points. um, we have one maybe two songs as of now, we just have to practice em and get the kinks worked out, we are keeping emotive if we can and through the eyes of a martyr. through the eyes of a martyr i was going to try to use as a side project for me and kyle but i think itll be better for nteg and let josh kinda spread his wings and learn it my way instead of changing it to his style. um, cant wait till we get rolling along with a singer and stuff its going to be fun.... im to sick and tired to think of anything else to write tonight, ill do somehting friday if i can. later all

day by day i walk alone the moment is mine to own so hard to look by the past, all that went by so fast. steering along the wrong course. controled by that unknown force. all the bullshit that has drivin me covered by the filth i can no longer see showered in lies let you twist what i see with my eyes showing the true pain and suffering but i still believe dont know why i let myself drown in lies! the addiction renders me lifeless. so i take another test that leaves me emotionless. just to hold whats not there it never exist causing a pain i constanly bare hiding in a shell in a loneworld where my life force you hoard and take advantage of my blind sight i refuse to fight. showered in lies let you twist what i see with my eyes showing the true pain and suffering but i still believe dont know why i let my self drown in lies take the path of a martyr understand the actions of a martyr look through the eyes of a martyr then your own eyes you whore living livid as a martyr living cowerdice as a martyr.

ugh im so hungry i feel like im going to be sick. plus im worried if i made the baseball team or not. and im getting really sick really fast, i cough so freekin much its crazy.... but on a good note i have written my first complete song on my own. its called through the eyes of a martyr. i wrote the guitaring and all that, kyle wrote the drums for it just cuz his version is better naturally. the verse sounds kinda egyption and shit, while everything else sounds so aggressive, and raw. i think its just going to be me and him on that song unless josh can come up with something to go with it or rob. i dunno im just hungry and tired of waiting on this stress with making the team to get over with, i need food some one feed me now lol..... hmmmm, im done rambling ill post those lyrics when i get my computer at home working again. later mike

Well, this weekend wasnt a total disaster like we thought it was going to turn out. Kyle is now our singer. we might make it just a side project or something being we have to change our sound a lil bit to compentsate for the singing. lol. Uh, i didnt get to see sissy at all, but we talked quite abit asking all kinds of stupid questions that i dont remember entirly. just some of the important ones. grr im getting sick and i have baseball tryouts today. joy. um, not much is going on either for future plans.... the weekend of the 27th we are getting together again and hopefully have some vocals going and such. and we will be partying our asses off instead of sitting around looking for stuff to do. well i have things to do so ttyl. mike

well lets see, right now i could careless if i talk to miriah again. or what she does, after all the bull shit i got accused of i dont want to put up with her and her stupid fucking games. but on a happier note, i hooked up with sissy. wahoo. her parents are going ot have problems with it so are mine but they dont have to know every thing. its great we talk all the time online but dont really see eachother much during school cuz our classes are far apart and stuff. Okay, now back to pissed off i finally think i wrote some solid lyrics for emotive. and we will see this weekend at kyles, we are hoping he will sing for us. wahoo here it goes..... splinters in your words, devour your sould. hope your happy.... lay in your apathy. take youro selfcenteredness. and your ingnorance, lay it to waste! take what you can get then shove it It's all in your eyes! chorus i dont need what you have to offer. trying to make me suffer. all these childish games ou play. i think its sfe to say. burn through you skin and tear out your heart. tear out your heart like you tore out mine! cower in the darkness lavish in the bliss to extort your imperfections. take the disapointments. hold them dearly. for they are home to you. o matter what you do. the hounting memories eat. all that remains to feed on! chorus outro burn your eyes out, let you......go..... take a wild guess at who its about lol. well im fixen to get in trouble. so i gotta go. later mike n sissy

well, now that miriah and i broke up and now argue alot i hurt even more. some times we dont understand eachother and im not completly honest with her saying its ok and all that; that i say. when its not im not ok by no means. i miss her so much. but i dont deserve her. but i feel i need to have her as a friend. i need some part of her in my life may not be the one i want but it works and makes me happy. i was glad she was trying ot be my friend i was just an emotional wreck. i still am. at least she has someone who understands her and knows what he has to do when he has to do it unlike me.. im sorry if i made her and all her friends upset about it all. im just surrounded in guilt for not doing what i should have. and yess im admiting pretty much all of it is my fault. and yes i said things i dont mean today cuz i didnt know wether to be angry or upset or what. because as i always do i was saying it wasnt my fault, and blaming other ppl. but im trying to be a man take the responsability for what happened. i should have known not to rush into things with her because she still had feelings for rick. but i didnt, because i get i guess kinda selfish and dont think about that stuff. but it felt so great to have her by my side and there when i need her. it still feels like when i need comforting or talking to i will be able to go to her when i need. may not happen right now because i have made her so upset and didnt mean to at all. but it happened and now i cant give enough sorries for it because it was so wrong and stupid of me. i have the up most respect for her and rick. yes i have said many times i dont like him. but he makes her happy. getting to know how he is around her and is about her, just changed my opinion. because he is better for her than me. im just a guy that thought he could be there and give enough but couldnt.... im in so much doubt right now its insane. i jsut hope she understands what im saying and forgives me for the bullshit i put her through. i really do care about her. and want her as a friend if its at all possible. i may not deserve it, but i want it so much..... i need to go. later mike

i wrote this after me and miriah had our argument and broke up. falling so hoplessly far away. the ashes bury all the lost day. to cover all my pointless hopes. the tears cave the once open emotion tht now carries the burdon. pushed down to the bottom of the cauldron, that never poured so much pain. now i wonder were my attempts in vain. we the bright dreams just a break from the shadows. where i lay endlessly hollow. For i may never understan my purpose. trying so hard to focus. on the fact that i'm not worthless. just a coward that can not erase my blemishes. perfection may be beyond my reach. but maybe i can stand here and teach, I'ts all worth your effort and time. all it takes is a little hard work to find, the one thing that gives you fullfillment. and not sulk in all your dissapointments. Then again how can ii be such a hypocrit? i tell you it gets better but i myself just take it no matter how servere the burn is I still refuse to fight to make it end. Id rather burn to death than please my needs such a fool sto stay on my knees begging for what i cannot have now.

well, where do i begin??? miriah and i broke up, thats the biggest upset of the day for me. we are still going to friends thank god. but i just feel so empty, but i can pull through it no matter how much i dont want to, but i have too. and as far as the baby is concerned, shes just going to have a abortion type thing. as much as both of us hate it, it pretty much has to happen. because with us not working, it just wouldnt help anything. or be right for the child. any way, we are going to try to pull through this and get the best outcome. fair warning... im not going to be the most cheerfull person for a few days or weeks, i dont know how long its going to take me to recover. so you will just have to bare with me. jee, im not listening to the best music for this moment, kinda more depressing. eh well its a powerfull song. im going to go back to chain smoking and pouting/venting. i wish it wasnt so late so i could play my drums. those always help me feel better about myself. i dont know how or why, but they do. well im done. later mike P.s. i still have strong feelings for miriah.

well, as of right now miriah has a 80% chance of being prego.. and shes started gaining weight and cant fit in her clothes..in my last entry that i deleted cuz it was wrong, i stated that we didnt want this to happen and stuff. well i was wrong for saying that. neither one of us are regreting what is happening. i may have been a lil scared at first, but theres nothing i can do and i have to make the best of it. miriah doesnt need me all worried and stuff right now. so i have to be strong and help her as much as possible at this state cuz her emotions are so out of whack right now. so as it stands right now we are going to have this baby and we are doing it together. so no one try to talk us out of it. because we will just go off on you. we wanted this "eventually" to happen just not so soon. but hey, we got it and are going to stick with it. theone thing thats bothering us is what her dad is going to do when he finds out. we already know we have to find some place to go, cuz we arent going to be able to stay at home cuz our parents suck donkey balls. but i think rick is going to help us out on that. and i know in previous entries i have said i hate him, but right now he's the only one helping us get through it and offered to do what he can. and he told me he will be there for her when i cant be. i dont know where all our "friends" are on this but i dont kare. well thats all. gotta go. LATERS mike I LOVE YOU MIRAH!

well, today was kinda bad, besides missing school. miriah took a pregnancy test and it came up positive, then i told my mom and she fucking flipped and made her take another one and it came up negative.. and my mom called her a liar not flat out but close enough. and miriah got pissed and broke up with me. i have never felt so lost for everything. at first i just layed in my bed and cried, then played drums for a few minutes, then called miriah to talk to her and figure out things. she had to get off the fone with me cuz her mom said too. then she called me when she got home and told me she had a panic attack and stuff because she had "thrown everything away" and we talked for a few minutes and we decided the break up never happened thank god. things felt so much better when we decided that. i went from bottom of shitter to back on top. now i just have to deal with my mom saying that the only time me and her can go on dates she will drive us or some one has to go with us. which is bull shit. cuz miriah and i agreed on no sex until marraige.. which is going to be quite hard as long as i dont keep condoms on me or her it wont be too hard. but we are still together and thats all that matters. gotta go laters. mike I LOVE YOU MIRIAH SOOOOOOOO MUCHH, loosing you would kill me just about literally. love ya

well, i thought i would never say this but thank god miriah's period came. we were getting a lil paranoid cuz she was like 3 or 4 days late and no signs of it. but it started, so we're relieved, sorta. last night was kinda blaaaaa. it had its ups and downs. i almost got in a fight before the party even started with rick... ass hole. then we found out not many ppl were going to come cuz there wasnt supposed to be drinking well.... that didnt last long miriahs mom is so cool, she slipped us beer and stuff. haha. then her dad got so wastedid, he went to go get more beer, and we raided what he had left which was like a case and a half. i downed 4 in 10 minutes, miriah sipped on some of em, and shared two cups with me and got drunk just a lil.then david hit a telphone pole with like 5 ppl in the car. talking about a buzz killer jeeshh. me miriah and john went hunting for em and we went the wrong freeking way. so we wasted like 2 hours walking around looking for em. we got back to the house and everyone was sorta ok. mac was the only one seriously hurt, rick tried to play it off like he was hurt but he just wanted attention. then the real drinking started cuz her dad broke out the kamorah and vodka. john drunk way too much and went to charistas and passed out naked on the toliet. hahahaha. um miriah got more waisted and i kinda just sipped away at some drinks like two shots of vodka, really cheap vodka at that. and then miriahs dad got lost and ended up walking all the way to the fire station. we just figured he passed out in the woods. oh i skipped an important part miriahs mom let us leave for a while 15 minutes before midnight. lol. her dad started looking for us. the night continued on, ppl we getting plastered and stoned. her dad gave us some nasty champagine crap. then we sat around and sylvia showed back up and i made her a white russian, lol. more like 80 percent kamorah 20 percent milk. she got so plastered. me and miriah started getting really aggrivated with everyone and left for a while to have more sex, it was great. we come back and her dad is boneing charistas mom in the back of davids car. ewwwww. and then everyone else is on the couch where me and miriah were going to sleep wtf!? so we made a pallet on the floor and yelled at ppl to shut up. gave syliva sleeping pills then laid back down and passed out. this was at 445 am. then her mom got us up at 8. miriah crawled to the bathroom i kinda just stood up. and then we left and i came home went back to sleep. and then woke up to watch football and make sure miriah was feeling ok....its great her mom is 100% supportive of us being in love, making plans for the future, made the suggestion of kids in like 5 years, and stuff. her dad on the other hand isnt but who gives a shit? i do but i dont cuz hes not going to be invited to the wedding according to miriah. lol. but i cant wait till it comes time for that. it going to be so great and stuff. spending the night at her house was great i was so comfortable sleeping with her in my arms, even though the floor was rather hard but still just being there watching her sleep was just yeah. well im done for tonight talk to yall tuesday later mike LOVE YOU MIRIAH

jesus freeking christ whats with all these fubared ass words? any ways, me and josh now have uh..... 3 complete songs. and one is still in progress we need rob to come up with some crazy ass solo or some shit to finish. um, me and miriah spent most of the day to gether and then i got yelled at because me and her just stay in my room all day. wtf i dont want to sit in the living room and shit. so i just wont come home when ppl are here. um, josh finally got in touch with sherry after smoking half the cigarettes. oh i got bitched out for that. god my mom is a bitch.....arooniedoonie um i have to take josh home in a few minuts so talk to ppl i talk to usually um, later today. dont forget to stop by miriahs new years party tommorrow night biatches!!!!! or i'll kill you!!later fuck faces mike P.S. love you miriah

well, the past few days have been...... interesting i guess the word would be...... um, went to the mall only to go back again tommorrow. um, no sex yet, but anyways, josh is over and weve been jammin for a few hours and have come up with some great uh, stomp style riff thingys. cant come up with ways to end and make more complicated and unique. um we are going to the mall to get me pants and some stuff that we need for our instruments and shits... plus mirha is going to hang out with us and make out with me while josh stands there hahaha. oh and listens to us play for a lil while. OH WE GOT IN TIME OF EMOTIVE FOR THE FIRST FREEKING TIME SINCE WE WROTE IT YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. well, we are going to play video games and watch movies and stuff. smoke some......................................................................................................................................................... jeeze you idiots! we're talking about cigatettes we dont well, i dont smoke any of the other lol. were done for now later yall I love you so much i want you to lie face down. oh, miriah i love you

YAY its been a month for me and miriah, though it seems like a year. I love her sooooooooooo much. i would think its impossible to love someone this much in such a short time but its great....well, xmas was ok. today is better. and thats all i ahve to say, I LOVE MIRIAH. lol well, im done. later.

well, today got off to a rather bad start. first my mom made me late to getting to mikes for the double date thing. then we took a nap, but miriah and i couldnt really sleep so we talked and stuff. then we got up and smoked a cigarette or two then we were off to the movies. things started going wrong again sorta..... me and miriah went into the movies then mike and sylvia went in for like 2 seconds and went outside to wait on jeremy. we sat there for a while watching the movie but soon got bored. things were just peachy for the most part. we went outside to see what was going on and then decided we werent going back in because the movie sucked. then jeremy got there and we sat around for a little while and then left. jeremy was being stupid and kinda got under my skin. eating paper in my car what the fuck? its stupid.... miriah started getting aggrivated or something. then we got to mikes. dropped them off there, and couldnt figure out what we were going to do. both of us were kinda sexually frustrated, but thats besides the point there are bigger things than that going on. we got to her house and her dad was sick and brothers were doing something i dont know what and didnt care. her dad said my mom called and i called her and she said i needed to come home for some stupid bull shit... well, miriah was already in some mood and i couldnt figure out what was wrong, then i told her that i had to leave and shegot more something. walked me to the car and we hugged and insisted that i leave so i dont get in trouble. i kept asking what was wrong but she wouldnt tell me. or said nothing dont worry about it. we said our love yous and departed. well, i got home and nothing was really said. i called her while making my dinner and she didnt seem to want to talk to me. her dad asked if she was going to be on the fone long and she said no. then said she had to go and hung up... now something to me sounds wrong with her, and im worried about it alot. ive been sitting around trying to figure out what the hell is or possibly wrong, and its killing me. i know she has mood swings on occassion but never like this. its got me kinda scared. cuz we have talked about some serious shit example: marriage, kids, rest of life... and i am comfortable talking about this stuff with her. cuz i love her so much its crazy. ive been contemplating so many things analyzing everything as dorky as that may sound. and this just is perfect in everyway. yeah i may be scared to tell my mom the way i feel about miriah, but thats because i know im going to get barraged with an attack of stupid shit that im not going to listen to but have to deal with anyway. and right now that is the only thing in my way.i wish my mom would just get the picture so i didnt have to tell her. but what ever i will tell her sometime...and yes i do want to spend the rest of my life with her. and i am willing to do what it takes to achieve that. she may not realize that right now but its true. and yes i want kids with her, you got a prob with that deal with it cuz i dont kare what you have to say about it. i understand that we've been together for only 3 weeks, but things have just been perfect, and felt like we've never been apart. and that is all that matters we agree on just about everything. well i have to go ill add more to this lil shindig tommorrow. laters mike P.S. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH MIRIAH.