It’s those decisions that eat away at your soul, that make everyday a living regret. Walking alone on a path far from reality and everything that is real, I will disappear slowly. I passed the point of recognition and have decided to go on. Nothing will stop. I am a destructive man made spore, an organism that lives and breathes off of self-infliction. Seen or unseen I will destroy myself. No matter how hard you pull I will push away. It’s all of the choices that were made that have made me what I am today. Now it is my hand, it’s my turn to play and I am folding. Out, this game is not worth playing. Two of a kind, not worth paying twice for the same mistake. Broken down and lost the light can be seen but the hope is failing. I can’t step up to this, with every step I take another bruise I make. These falls are fatal, and honesty won’t save me this time. No matter how this turns out my tissue is scarring, ripping at the seams I’m coming undone. This day is just like the rest and I’m done putting it to the test. Tonight was lovely and I’d like to keep it that way. Goodnight my lover. lemme know what u think..thanks

hi i havent been on here in such a long time i dont remember who anyone is or anything like that. so if anyone wants to talk to me then feel free, im now 18 years old im in 29 palms, california. I am a United States Marine. i left for parris island, sc on june 19th and graduated on sept 15 2006. i have come along way since these entries and if anyone needs to talk or needs help im here. my sn is br0kenh3artl0s3r. and my email is br0kenh3artl0s3r3@yahoo.com and i have a myspace i check more often and u can search for LOVE IS NOT THE WORD and i should pop up.

Once upon a time there was this girl who had a dream, and her dream was to be something that one person would appreciate, but soon she found out that dreams weren’t meant to be perused. And this was the ending of her fairy tale, all of her love, care, and passion was flushed down the toilet. With just one little flush just one little swirl just one little fall, ended it all. Her dream, it was shattered like when your fist hit the mirror and the blood escaped like it was never apart of you. This was rock bottom where she found that all her wishes were always counted on the farthest stars so far from arms length and out of reach and all her hopes were destroyed. Who flushed her soul that lead to a downward spiral? Just waiting for a hand, anyone’s hand at this point, no size or shape was set to any standards, anyone. She just wanted someone that should have taken her hand and appreciated her like she deserved. But no one seemed to care enough, and she told me that its hard to care when no one else seems to give a damn. Wings once grown upon her solid spine in which she could rely on for support had collapsed. Wings that were broken when she fell to the ground. Again her heart was cut, but this time no one came around to stitch the wound. She always thought that she was more than this; she always thought she was enough for some one to care about. This was just one of too many countless remarks and rejections she had received from the ones she thought loved her, again she was wrong. So disappointed, so used, so much nothingness consumed her after she was abandoned. From then on this girl dreamed no more for fear of falling. Never again will she trust. Her heart left bleeding in a bottomless pit. Decided to suck it up and cut her heart off where she lost all love and the feeling of being loved. From that day on she never smiled the same, from that day on she NEVER EVER FELT THE SAME, from that day on she never ever really lived again.

hey i wrote kind of like a sequel to my poem this girl i know this girl i knew she was always so blue but she really was so beautiful inside yet melting down and feeling invisible her life got away she wanted to stay until she cut herself away one night she dug too deep into her pain and went to far she ended it all that night with one slice so far from sanity not even close to insanity she took her life and made that flight that night and died this girl i knew yeah, you probably knew her too. what do you think!?!?

You need to start writing again. I look at this every day and there is never anything new. Whats goin on? [anonymous (4.155.60.96)] who sent this?..i havent looked at this thing in fucking forever..im sorry..i didnt know anyone actually read this thing..ill make an update soon when i got time..but for now im out later

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i feel like idk my head hurts im so tired but i cant sleep..i dont like myself, its hard to explain..sometimes i think i make myself sick..well i know i make myself sick..sometimes i wish i was certain about SOMETHING in my life..i mean im a pretty decent kid, im usually a hard worker but i always feel so obligated..like a robot, i do my best to do everything i can for other people but i need to do something for myself, something like well idk..the only thing i can think of is death..i cant really tell if that woudl be a good thing or a bad thing..it always seems like my best and only option..for everything feels so distant and just gone..because everything i used to have is pretty much gone..i want to be something good something everyone likes, something that i should be proud of, something that the people who know me can be proud of but i dont know what to do..or maybe i do i just dont think that would be the best thing or its not perfect enough..i think i need to stop thinking so much of bad things and stop thinking that everyone is out to get me..but its so hard when i actually believe everyone is out to get me..i know i do this but i cant seem to stop it, i dont catch myself, i need to be more aware of my own thoughts but i have so many thoughts that i tend to forget things..usually important things..i wish i could be something better..something not so hard to talk to or tolorate..just somebody else

I was standing in the street, Only checking the mailbox, My cigarette lit the road, It glared, as our only light, You were thinking how you could get him to like you, I was wishing a car would run me over, I was spinning around in circles, You were only watching, I was screaming like I was 4 years old, I heard you over my screams, But it wasn't really clear, You jumped up from the ground, Just beside the road, You ran to me, Got me off of the road, I was still dizzy from spinning, And a 18 wheeler passed by so fast, I closed my eyes, I imagined if you weren't there, Tears flooded my eyes, I looked at you and knew you loved me, As much as a friend could, That day I wanted to die, I had tried just before I came over, A gun in my mouth with no pictures in my head, But my brains on the wall, In my parents' bedroom, As I heard the click and knew I wasn't dead, I cried just as I am now, Knowing I have to live if only for you.

i feel like dying :/

well idk trying to figure things out..and what to do about this girl..im not gay or anything i just really care about her..adn i do love her.. and i think she knows that i just wish there was somehting i could do..like save her or something crazy like that but idk i just wish that everythign i did didnt seem so aweful..maybe what i do is aweful but idk i need to change and i am determined to find somthing that will work and if i dont i will still always think and hope shes doin alright even tho she may not be.. it takes a lot more than wishing to to all these things it takes actions and im trying ot act on my wishes its just i never seem to do the right thing...and i dont knwo what the right thing is or maybe i do and it just seems wrong..idk but i need ot figure it out..and im trying to figure it out..its just not working but ill keep trying as long as blood is in hers and my veins..ill keep trying ..any advise please inform thank you goodnight

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i got a new job at KFC/taco bell, i started last thursday but i had to call off yesterday and today becuase im really really sick..i hope i wont loose my job. im feeling realy fucking shitty so im out -p-

i was fired from work for selling cigarettes to my frined that was under 18..and for giveing them a 2 packs for the price of one..im such a stupid head

eh i might be done with this..cause no one reads it and i got n ofriends...so um yeah i guess one last update..im doin ok i guess ..im ungrounded.i sitll got 2 detentions to serve..umm amy just left my house and last night i chilled wiht tj, b, duck, and some bitch that i almost got in a fight with..damn ..umm im failing phyiscs..which is fabulous..and math which ices the god damn cake..im watching prey for rock and roll i like the movie alot..la la la ok this might be the last sentence i ever write in here bye

hey i havent written in here in a long time...im sure you all care..but im sick and its valentines day..a lot of shit has happened i wish i could say that they were good but they wernt..i guess i could say that talking to christina is prob the only thing thats happened that made me happy..uhh..i stayed home from school today..i told some guy that id be his valentine but i think i should have never answered the phoen but i always do because im so god damn curious..i have to go to school wether i feel good or not bc i have teh PSSA tests tues, wed, and thurs so i hoep ill feel a littel better and get some food in my stomach..ill try to write more to those of you who are concerned later ..im gonna go lie down..goodbye

xmas break was cool for what it was worth i guess..my aunt and uncle came down from maryland for xmas and we ate dinner together..and on xmas i had to go to my dads bc my mom made me..he pulled another asshole move...he bought me and my bro 2 cd's that were like 7 most effective ways for teens or something. some self-help cd..idk..and he was like you remember that new snowboard and ski equiptment your mother bought you in october well, she bought that with my child support money and so thats my gift to you..even tho he wasnt there with us and idk how he found out that we got new stuff..so i was pissed just bc thats supposed to be for like bills and shit..well actually the money is suppposed to go to me and my bro but were too far in debt so my mom needs it... and um my aunt and uncle left..and then mitzie, my sister, came with madeline and jacob for like a week..that was fun bc madeline is like my age and she helped me through some stuff..we went snowboarding and we saw chris s., rich f., and zon..and we took them to the incline but it like broke down so they couldnt go on it..and idk my sister doesnt trust me so i couldnt take the car out with madeline bc shes doesnt know my friends and shit which i understnad but like come on now what have i done to her to make her not trust me.. and im done -p- nigros

sry i love this song... i saw JOSH TARKINGTON lastnight..he came and visited me at work...it was amazing..i havent seen him in sooo damn long..bc he moved to texas to b with his mom but now that hes there he wants to move back bc his mom doesnt care and he was on herion, around 85 lbs i herd..but he looked ok when i saw him he was skinney he died his hair like black/brown with some blonde it was cool..i miss that boy i went to see *y*** last night with crystal, chelsea, and adam..when i got there he took his break..and we went to smoke and then he got me a drink and bought me tokens cause he wanted to play someeee..when we lost and got a game over..well.......our game wasnt over if u know what im sayin....i had a good night.. i was supposed to chill with tom tonight bc hes back from IUP for break...but my mom wouldnt let me cause my sister, niece and nephew r comming so that made me sad..but tomarrow.YAY!! actually their here now LATER BITCHES

wellllll...idk my heart was stolen AGAIN!!..but its ok bc i trust this person alot but i g2g my fam is here wrtei more later

what a weekend man its been crazy.. on friday my brother came home..i hate him so much..and i got in to a fight with paul twice and my mom 3 times...i can barely handle my mom let alone both of them together..its hard anyways..i went out and took paul to blade runners..and i picked up crystal and mel and then we saw davey and stix so we all went to krissys and morgan and rach was there..then i picked him up and took crystal home..it was fun and sat i worked then i was supposed to go to beckys but then i had to find something else to make my plans work so i went to holly wood tans and told my mom that she was gettin off at 630..but she wasnt until 9 so i had rob pick me up and he took me to the party then ali came at nine and we PARTIED..2 kegs it was awesome..ross was being a fag, as always, he ws trying to kiss every girl it was sick, including me i was like fuck no get the hell away from me and stay away..this one girl melissa got money and cigarrettes stolen from her like 160 $..and i met this kid jared..hes hott and we almost hooked up but like i told him i was 20 but he didnt believe me so i was like FINE im 19 but ill b 20 in april..and then we picked up lindsey..and we parited more and more and more..then the cops kept passing the house so ali, lindsey, chris and i decided to leave bc we knew it was goin to get busted and it did so we got lucky..but we were driving around at like 3 am we like caled everyone on our phones and everyone was sleeping or couldnt let us stay over so we called dylan and he let us stay over for a while and we diditn sleep at all bc htere was no point and we had to leave by 7 so we left and i had a fun time there then we went to eat n park at 7 and ate then i she tooke me home and i slept all day it was nice..then on sunday i didnt feel like doin anything so i sat around sleeping and didnt even change out of my pj's..we had a 2 hour delay on monday..it was nice i need that 2 hours..and this week has been a drag so far.. but i love ashley james and DYLAN is the coolest kidd in the world..hes awesome i have SAT class tonight so yeah idk.. but i out leave me a comment -p-

this week has been a load of shit.. first off its alis bday so HAPPY BDAY ALI!! and well yesterday i was at school and my mom wanted me ot serve my detention so i did..and i HAD to do it bc she was like this is the only day i can pick you up at 3 bc she had to go ot court for liek the millionth time. for like coustdy issues or something..idk..im never told anything...and well she never showed up adn i was like where the fuck is she..and so i called her like 10 thousand times and well no answer so i was like ill just wait her efor a while so i waited 2 hours after 3 and i was like fuck this and i ws really pissed off..so i called tom well i called a bucnh of ppl but everyone ws working so i called tom and he picked me up but while i was waiting for himn to finish dinner i walked to festival and talked to teh salvation army guy it was gay..i left all my shit at school and brought just a bad of shit like any extra clothes i had at school in case i wasnt goin home..so i went out wiht tom..and my mom calls i dont answer..and my phone is like almost dead...she calls 3 times and i don tanswer so like yeah then she calles again and i answer sehs ike where r u im like im with ali and were at festival..blah blah blah..so i was like dont expect me home til late..she fliped so i hung up on her..and me and tom went to pick up tony and ross..then we went to joshs...and then we had to do something..and he took me home..and above all that i had to work that night so i had to call them and tell them my story it was one fucked up night man and today..i was smoking in the bathroom at schoool and almost got caught..it ws scarry man..what happened was..we were just leaving and this teacher lady comes by and is like no no no u girls get back here...were u smoking..of course we said no..and sehs like well im gonna take you all down ot hte office..so she did and they let us sit in the office for ike 3 mins..so i had cigarrettes on me and someother things so i had to hide them so i took my cigarrettes and put them in my sleeve of my hoodie and rolled my hoodie sleve up so it woudlnt look all buldgy fo no reason..and i hid my other shit in my secret compartment..and i was good..ali had cigarrettes in her purse but Dr. butterini didnt look through it bc shes like there a bunch of girl stuff..and she got by..then lindsey had her purse with cigarrettes too but he didnt even see her purse what a dumb ass..O and there was this other weird ass chick there too kelly shes a fucking freak..and she had to come too bc SHE HAD TO BE sEARCHED AS WELL..so it was funny bc she wsa like flipping out..and me and ali were supposed to be taking a test in math so we got in like 15 mins late and we barely finished the test in time..it was fucked up but i was soo damn lucky bc idk what would have happened..it would have been lets just say not good.. i spent all my money..:(... ..im gonna go leave a comment bye