So my friend Nicole and her husband Chase finally had their baby the other night ( Jan 16th). I have known Nicole my entire life. Literally. Our older brothers were friends and she was my first friend. I was her maid of honor and she has been there for me through every major moment in my life as well. Well I was lucky enough to be able to be in the room for little Zackary's birth and My God they aren't kidding when they say it is truly the most beautiful thing you can ever witness. He is amazing. As you know from my previous entries ( if anyone actually reads this thing lol) that I have been feeling defeated and down, but seeing him come into this world. This perfect little being, changed it for me. When you see a baby born you realize tuly there is something bigger than yourself out there. He's a very lucky little boy bc he has two great parents and a whole bunch of other people who love him and will be around to support him when life gets tough. A special congrats to the new mommy and daddy. You too are going to be great parents and Im so glad i get to be around to see him grow up. Love you!

So it's been awhile since I have posted on here. A lot has changed. Nick is an ass. He won't be coming around anymore. I dont want a little boy I want a man. And he was not a man. So my love life is non existant. lol. So I have been focusing on my work and planning for the foundation and My health. The health thing has been eating up most of my energy. I went to the doctor about a month ago for my 6 month screening for melanoma ( what my brother died from). And they found two spots that they were worried about. Did the biopsy. We got the results back adn one was fine but the other one had abnormal cells. So I have to have surgery on Jan 7th so they can go in and get all the bad cells out and re biopsy them to make sure its not cancer. So my life is just plain scary right now. Im not sleeping very well at night, bc im so worried. I dont know what I will do if it turns out I have cancer. The thought scares me to death. This is the only place I can talk about it becuase my family is just as terrified. They refuse to talk about it and pretend that everything is just fine but the worry and the fear is there all the time. Its the huge elephant in the room that we are trying to all ignore. Sorry I just relalized all my posts on here are really depression. Shit. Sorry about that guys, well I'm done bitching for the night, I need to try and get some sleep. Post more later.

Okay so the other day I wrote about this guy I have been kinda liking. Well I forgot mention the other guy involved in this situation. Nick. I met him like 2 maybe 3 months ago. And we had been talking alot, getting to know each other. Taking it slow. And we were supposed to go out but it never happened. He chickened out. Well he came by the condo yesterday and took my best friend and myself out to lunch. He was great. The second I saw him, it was like fireworks. Sounds cheesy but its like i just felt comfortable with him and completly alive. We talked for hours yesterday both in person and on our cells. And did the same today. I think the whole other guy , we'll call him, Brett, was just friendship feelings getting thrown all out of control because it's been a rough year. A really rough year. And he was sweet and funny, lol. So I think thats all it is. Nick and I are supposed to go out on Monday for a day/ night date. I have no idea what we are going to do.. but I'll let ya know after it happens ;) post more later!! love ya! Tiff

So I have this guy friend that I have known since I wasreally young old.I have the biggest thing for one of his best guy friends. I met him for the first time about a year and a half ago. And he is just amazing. We have sooo much in common, but I think he see's me as ' one of the guys'. It seems like he's flirting with me sometimes but I could be mistaken bc I want him to be flirting with me lol. We have the same views about so much from what we want out of our lives later on concerning kids and love. But he hasnt said anything to me about liking me. We have only started hanging out pretty regurlaly recently, and I'm supposed to see him tomorrow. My friend, said that he wouldnt want me to date any of his friends, bc it would just be too weird. lol. So I should probably just not even think about him anymore right? Its just I feel like he can see through me, see the person I am really, not the act that Im the big tough strong girl. I feel vulnerable and girly and attracive around him. But I should probably forget it right? If anyone reads this thing, leave me your opinions.

So last night I had the dream again. The dream reliving the week that my brother died. I had actually gone a couple of weeks without having it. Well its bacckkk. I will never for the rest of my life forget a moment of that week. It was the worst week of my life, and trust me Ive had a lot of bad shit happen. I wish I could go back. I had just turned 20. I wasnt ready to be the one in the family to make decisions. To pick up the pieces. To take care of my father. I wasn't ready. Everyone told me back then, that it would get easier. Well so far, it hasn't. I still turn everytime I hear someone say his name, to see if it's him they are talking to. I still feel like breaking down sometimes when I look at my Dad, bc Jayson looked just like him. When does this shit get easier? I thought the foundation would help. Closure you know? And maybe it will in the long run, but what about now? Since Jayson got sick. I learned everything I could about melanoma. I learned how to check yourself and what to look for. I learned statistics,I started working with Relay for Life, to raise money and awareness. But everyday the ache and pain is still there. The fact that I know he will never get to see me get married,never get to see my kids.To see the woman I have become. To see his own kids grow up ( and they are some damn amazing kids!) I have a lot to be grateful for I do. I was lucky with my last two cancer scares. They turned out to be begnin. I just want to be able to be the happy person I was before all this happened. Be truly happy again. If this whole healing thing could speed up, that would be helpful. Sorry for the depressing entry tonight. Tiff

So I had dinner tonight with an old friend from high school. My best friend from highschool to be exact. Crazy how you can drift away from the people you were closest too sometimes... We made a pact to never let that happen again. Well sitting there at dinner we were talking about all the people we went to school with. Ones we had seen recently, ones who has passed away. Prom memories. Everything. It's crazy to think I graduated high school over 5 years ago! Somedays it seems like it was 5 minutes ago! lol If you had told me back then that this way how my life would turn out, I would have told you that you were full of shit lol. I think all of the tragedies and hard times have made me a better, stronger person though in the end. So I guess, there is a silver lining huh? If Nikki is reading this. I'm so glad we got to have dinner. We have to do it again soon! And yes I will read that book! lol Love you!... so I guess I will end this post have to go read about Tax Exempt Laws.... sexy friday night huh? lol Oh and by the way if y'all havent heard Kate Voegele's album, go out and download it, buy. Do whatever you have to do ... its awesome! Tiff

So this is my first post on here. Quick bit of info. I'm Tiffany, 22, live in Florida. So this week I found out some really horrible things about what my brother's mom ( we share the same dad) did to him when he was alive. Jay passed away 2 years ago from cancer. We didnt get to see him alot when I was growing up. We thought he was angry at us. Turns out she just guilt tripped him to stay away from us. Found out the other day that she also used my brothers cancer, to benefit her. She put out jars around the town and kept the cash from them, after she told everyone that the cash was going toward my brothers medical bills. What a bitch! So instead of breaking down and crying.. which is totally not my style. I decided to do something about. Im starting a foundation, with my best friend ( who also happens to have Cancer). The foundation will help with family support ( i.e help pay their mortgages, car payments, with groceries etc. ) Because the last thing you need to be worrying about when fighting for your life is where your next rent check is coming from bc your too sick to work. Right now I'm looking up what forms we need to fill out in order to become a non profit foundation in FL. Hopefully we will be able to move forward soon!! I'm so excited. I feel like this is a gift from Jay. A way to help others, a way to get closure hopefully. Well let me know what y'all think. Tiff