I thought things were looking up... wrong again.

I was in Ojai last night which was really great cuz I got to hangout with Ali! I love her she is so awesome. I don't like being at school anymore cuz i feel very distant from my friends. and it kinda makes me feel awkward. i cant wait until summer cuz than i can just leave forever. yay. i went to la yesterday to see my family that was awesome! they make all my troubles go away.

Thats not how I feel at all. Thats what you think, I know it is. I can tell by your face. But it's completely diffenent. You don't even know. Than again you never asked. I wish everything could go back to how it was. What happened to us? We told eachother everything. Now were lucky if more than 2 words are said. You don't have clue either, that everythings not ok. So if you were ever to read this you would think I was crazy and making it into something its not, but maybe I've been doing that all along, pretending its ok when it hasn't been. But I can't anymore. I'm tired.

I can't believe I even found this thing, or that I am writting in it right now. I remember when this use to take up my entire life and I would always wirte about really stupid stuff and it was a competition to see who could get the most comments. Ew, lame. Than came myspace..hah what a joke, and now that consumes all my time. Anyway I guess I'm suppose to write how I feel. I don't know how I feel right now. I feel very distant from the one person I care about that most. And they don't even know which may as well be the worst part. I wanna cry and lame and pathetic as that sounds, and no one has a clue, at all. I guess its better that way, I was never to fond of attention in the first place.

I cleaned my room. I want to redecorate it.

I'm really tired and I slept horribly last night. I'm glad we talked it out. I love you! All I do is eat. All the time. I wish I could let loose and have fun. That would make things a whole lot easier. Everyone has changed, including myself, and I'm trying to figure out if its for the best? It makes me laugh to think how obsessed I used to be with this thing. I wish alot. I'm sorry I bring some of you down with my negative-ness. I'm sorry I always appologize. You inspired me to come back and write my feelings. It makes me feel better.

Today is my birthday. It was a good day. I got a manicure and a pedicure. I went to lunch with Kaelyn, Veronica, and KC at Sizzler. Than we went to the mall...where I saw everyone in the world that I know. We saw Taylor and Marissa. I was so happy to see them. They are so fabulous. We also hung out with Gus and Nick R. for a while. I went to Hungry Hunter for dinner, than me and Kaelyn got in our pajamas and went to see Finding Neverland! FINALLY! Omg it was great. Johnny Depp was spectacular in it and the whole story was just amazing! Now I am going to go watch a movie with my sister. Good Night! One of my good friends forgot aout my Birthday and it really disappointed me. I'm really excited because Kaelyn and I have been thinking about getting jobs together! That would be so much fun! Hanging with my best gal and getting paid to do it. How much better can it get???

Merry Christmas!! Yay! I love Christmas! I'm at my aunt's house right now surrounded by people I love, singing Christmas songs! Babies everywhere! I love family! Especially my family! They are so wonderful! MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. POTTER!! Ok inside joke haha! Merry Christmas everyone!! Dont forget Jesus, the reason for the season!!

I wrapped a lot of Christmas presents today wow. Dang wong...that sure does take a lot out of you. Monday I went to Glenn's and watched Collateral. Yesterday was Erics party. That was really fun. Yeah so I have everyones gifts so I have to see ya all soon. 2 days until Christmas Eve 3 days until Christmas 7 days until my 16th Birthday I feel somewhat better on the outlook on life so thats good.

Wow I was actually happy today. How quickly that changed. I guess I am feeling better about myself, but I am still so selfconscious. I have so many insecurities..its crazy. I know everyones like OMG your not fat. But I seriously think I am. I feel fat and I am fat. It hurts to eat now because I hardly eat anything anymore. Hopefully that will do me some good. I was excited about backwards, but nothing looks right on me so blah. I'm still not feeling Christmas. I thought I was the other day, but that was only for a mere second. Well sorry...I know no one wants to hear me complain. I will refrain.

All this Christmas shopping has made me really stressed out. Chistmas is coming really quickly, and before we know it, it will be gone. This weekend was great. Saturday I went Christmas shopping with my family. Today we put up Christmas lights and decorated the inside of our house. It looks so great. It made me really happy. Our tree is up and music is playing. YAY. Kaelyn has been grounded this weekend, and I just about died. I hate that she is grounded! I learned a few new songs on the guitar last night. That was cool. I got to hangout with Talyor on Friday, which made me really happy because I miss her so much. Even though it was kinda boring for her. I have been super emotional lately..I have no idea why?

Backwards is next weekend and Olivia and I are going together. We are going to stock up on snacks and get crazy outfits and make fun of everyone there. (We are going cuz Em wanted us to! I somehow always get dragged into these things!) But Olivia and I are going to have a lot of fun. I saw Spider Man II today....it was alright...way better than the 1st one, which sucked. Shane and I played a little guitar, and we did X-Word Puzzles. Haha. School is going well...so thats good. Kaelyn and I are going to do track to get out of PE yay. WILCO - I sincerely miss those heavy metal bands I used to go see on the landing in the summer She fell in love with the drummer She fell in love with the drummer She fell in love Shiny, shiny pants and bleach-blond hair I miss the innocence I've known Playing KISS covers, beautiful and stoned

Well this weekend started off shitty, but ended well. Friday was Glenn's house. Meh. Saturday I went to my cousin's baptism and than the after party in LA. Good food! Saturday night I drove back up to Ventura, than onto Santa Paula. I met my cousins up there at a college and we went to a dance. It was really fun. I got to see all my friends I haven't seen in a long while. I am so tired cuz I didn't get in bed until like 4:30. Today was chill. I spent the day with my siter and my friends Katie and Colin. It was nice breaking off from the norm. Doing something different for a change.

Today was interesting...actually it was pretty shitty. I just went to school and then later Kaelyn came over and we went to Black and Gold the wrestling thing. That was kinda boring. I didnt feel like talking today so I remained quiet the whole day. It was kinda nice. Mirrors scare me. I hate them. I hate what I see in them. Fuck I broke my turbos...

I was going to make this a private entry, but what the hell. I dont care. I am so pissed off all the time. I dont feel close to anyone anymore. I'm so out of touch with everything. Yesterday was ok at Glenns. I hardly said anything to anyone. I was going to go home, but I ended up starting to have fun taking stupid pictures with Devin and Gus. Thanksgiving was alright...not as fun as usual. I didnt really get to sit and talk to any of my cousins who I am close to...which disappointed me. I have a feeling Christmas wont be able to get me out of my low this year. That sucks. I dont want to go back to school. I have lost all motivation to do good. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think I am going to stop hanging out with everyone until I can get it together, and be happy on my own without having to depend on my friends for happiness. Because there will come a time when friends wont be there.

Yesterday was fabulousity! I skipped 5th period and went to my math class and sat in the back and played my teachers guitar! He is so awesome! I had a doctors appointment meh..than at like 7, we finally made it over to meet Devin and everyone at the park. We just roamed the neighborhood for a while...than went to Andrews house and destoyed his back yard. It was quite amusing. Than we went back to Shanes house, ordered a pizza, listened to some Tenacious D, and fell asleep listening to Zeppelin. It was wonderful. Now I am at home just gathering myself. Everyone must go to Ryan's house tonight, and Glenn's house Saturday! Yay. I am happy...for a change!

Yesterday was pretty awesome. I walked up to a little cafe and had lunch by myself, than I went to a couple of stores with my dad. Nick Z. called me and wanted to hang out. I met Shane, Lauren, Glenn, Ben, and Greg at the park that was fun. They kept picking us up even though I deliberately told them not too! Yeah so than we were walking back to Laurens house and than Nick called and said he was at the park, so we went back to the park. All of us went back to Laurens house and chilled for a while. We ate dinner and then went to Ryans house. We hung out in his awesome back yard and just talked for a long time. It was cool. Glenn, Ben and Greg (GBG) called up and wanted to come over so we told them to come by...but they never came. Laurens parents picked us up and we ended up going ack over to Laurens. When we got back to her house, GBG were there sitting on the front porch. It was funny. We hung out for a little while then they left and we watched The Stepford Wives. It was weird, but cool. Yesterday turned out to be really good.

Today was shitty. I hate school. After school the whole gang met at the mall which was cool for a while until we were there for like 2 hours. It got so old. The mall sucks. After that Me, Kaelyn, and Jon waited for like a million hours for my mom to pick us up. It was so cold. We met Shane back at my house and than went over to Caitlyn's for Jennas Party. Thanks guys! Yeah that was pretty cool. The house was decorated do awesome and we ate churros. I spent most of the time outside laying on the drive-way looking up at the moon and the stars, trying to figure out what the point of my life is. The girls and I got into a discusion about things we wished. I think what we dont realize about each other is that we all are jealous of each other for different reasons. Yeah one might be the richest but be unhappy with her/his apperance, and the other might be out going and loved by all, but have a pretty shitty life. Over all I had a pretty ok night. Hanging with everyone really does make me happy.

Tomorrow shall be fun at Jennas house. Today was incredibly boring. I cant wait to get my license. Than I can just leave. Get the hell out of here. It will be great. I had a lot of homework today. I dont know what to say. I feel so empty yet so full at the same time, if that makes any sense at all. I like writing in here about meaningful things, things that I am actually thinking in my head, but I'm not that open. I dont want there to be like a million private entries either. I feel like I make a lot of my friends sad by some of the things I write about. I'm sorry. I don't intentionally want to hurt any of you. I guess I just really have to stop worrying about what other people think and about there problems, and just worry about myself...how ever selfish that sounds, but its true. So true. I have a way of fucking up a lot of things. I'm sorry. I am so sorry...

I slept in today! It was great. I got to school around break time. Kaelyn came over after school and we did some homework, and than went to the mall. We bought these really hot jackets! Ahh they are great. Mine is the Rolling Stones, and Kaelo got an ACDC one! It was fabulous. Than we went back to my house and ate yummy dinner. Save me from myself. I am so sick of all the drama shit going on right now. Its so utterly pathetic. I hate hanging out with everyone when shit like this is going on. It just depresses me. I am so confused about life right now. I've become so unglued. I really miss him. Why?