"im sick and tired of the mess you made me, you're never gonna catch me cry. you must be blind if you can't see you'll miss me till the day you die. without me, you're nothing."

soooooo.. its jan 1st, 2010. too drunk and busy to make resolutions the last couple days so im making them now:

do not get behind on school work. do it because i enjoy it.
do things that scare me. throw myself into situations i would normally avoid.
work on communication by being more honest about the way i feel.

i do feel like i need to work on my inner self more than anything hence doing things that scare and bettering my communication skills, because i rarely vocalize anything when im upset. i am still incredbly depressed and terrified for school to start because i dont want a repeat of last semester. so im going to make an appointment with the school psychologists and see what happens. i REALLY REALLY dont want to, because i dont feel as though i wont have anything to say. but i know that need to do something, and i dont want to go on antidepressants. i do feel like i have no one to talk to about anything, because i feel so stupid talking about how sad i am all the time and i dont feel like people really care or want to listen. a least a psychologist gets paid to do it. so along with my resolutions i have a list of things i need to do:

make appointment with a psychologist
email dad to transfer my $$$
email prof. about mark
email parkinson society about volunteering
call rogers and get my voice mail fixed
buy textbooks
start applying for jobs
buy groceries

there is so much more but i just need to write it down on paper. anyways though, i should probably talk about my christmas break and NYE. it was very fun friends-wise, not so much with my family (unfortunate because thats what i cared about more). went snowboarding, only once, but was the greatest day ever. got drunk a lot. got in a ridiculous fight with mom and again ending with her telling me i am not allowed to move home in the summer. this might be the only interesting that happened though: i saw B and we had a REAL conversation. unfortunately i was wasted and he was sober, so naturally i approached him. from what i remembered, it went really well. he was being really nice and he looked soo good with a shaved head and his voice.. is sohot. i mostly just told him how i wanted us to be normal so we could all hang out again, even though we ne i will probably never see him again. when our conversation ended, i turned around and immediately started bawling. as far as i know, he didnt see.. but it sucked. thank god my sister was in the parking lot waiting to drive me home. i cried all night. my eyes were so swollen in the morning i could barely open them. i left the day after though, and saw on facebook today that he was at the party i would have been at if i stayed at home for new years.

but that is irrelevant because i had an awesome new years myself. saw shea for a while (remember him?), met a boy named aiden (he wants to take me out on "date", he also added me on FB today.. and against my better judgement, i added him back), made out with craig's friend just to make craig mad and see i dont like him (i dont think he saw us though.. if he did he didnt say anything), but then at the end of the night we were all going to take a cab together and HE LEFT ME THERE, ALONE. downtown, freezing. my other friend found me a cab thank GOD, otherwise i would have probably died or had to have my feet amputated due to severe frostbite (i have this habit of taking my heels off and walking barefoot). he sent me 5 texts today apologizing and tell me that we need to discuss his "epiphany of 2010" ( i am a little terrified to know what this is), and i just told him that i was in no condition to move. which was basically true because i am soooo hungover. been hungover all day and all i did was watch the new season of the office.

gonna go to bed now. tomorrow i need to send all those emails, grocery shop, and HIT THE GYM!

"without you, i dont even have a pulse"

FUCK YOU SITDIARY