I might be distancing myself because I know I have to leave. I know I have to leave. But your lack of responsibility is hard on me. And you with the responsibility and the wit, I am still outside of you. I don't have a special bond with anyone except my cat. It's saddening now, but I know in the future this could change. College. Adult life. It seemed so far away and now it's so soon. So I've begun saving. Working more. Doing homework more. Staying home. Being with my parents. I might be ready for it when it comes. My eye twitches everyday. A lot everyday. It is right now, it was half an hour ago, and it was an hour before that. Everyday I feel it cringe inward and outward. Over and over. I don't understand why nor do I know how to stop it. It makes me think I should see my therapist but she's never any help.

Secrets. I was feeling depressed today so I rented The Notebook and All the Real Girls. I want to cry a lot. But I still have homework to do. The real world gets in the way of my real and pure emotions. hah. Liar. I wasn't very excited at my sister's wedding. or very supportive of my sister. At least now I'm becoming more sympathetic. I might volunteer at a hospital. I always fit myself into the bad girl role because it was my role. I now realize that it didn't fit me as well as I thought it did.

Today was absolutely wonderful. Me and Ellison studied, went to the beach, went to the artwalk, read magazines in his car, and saw Garden State. I think I could love him. Okay, I'm definately wild about how much this works. I like him a lot. Everything's still moving really slowly but we had a great day together. Oh, I forgot to mention that we bought mints and 50 cent toys together. Oh gosh I'm crazy about him.

It's getting out of hand how many crushes I go through. I wish I could stop, it's making me feel incredibly guilty. It seems like every guy will only be my friend for a certain amount of time before feeling like they're aloud to have sex with me. I've made two decisions this weekend: a) No more high school boys. b) No more chemical drugs. It's not like either of them put me in that much danger, it's just that I'd rather not. Neither of them last long, neither of them make me a happier person in the long run. I drove Brittany home today. It was waaay exciting. Oh yeah. Except for the part where I was this close |-| to ramming into a car. Literally. Thank god for annoyed people all around you honking. Speaking of illegal, I found a million baaaaad things around my house today while cleaning. Had I not checked every spot in every room, I would have been screwed. I threw out two pairs of gross boys' underwear and found tons of cigarette butts, scraps of rolling paper, and one nice bong spill. I think I did a good job of taking care of it. But I'm still shaking with nervousness about getting caught. Agghh. At least I now know he's just a friend.

As this new thing with Ellison is starting up, it's bringing me to think about the past. What sort of mistakes could I make? Do I really like him that much? I'm comparing this to old ones... Andrew in particular. I'm still capable of getting upset over the fact that what brought new light to my life ended up crashing in a matter of days. I'm remembering how perfect it was supposed to be. I thought I might actually fall in love with him. I had begun eating well and lost weight, I was playing my guitar all the time, writting all the time, drawing, doing everything creative and everything that made me feel good. And I even looked better than ever. He made me look at the world in the most beautiful way, I appreciated everything and wanted to learn so much. I was supposed to help you grow outward and you were supposed to help me grown inward, remember? What the hell happened to that hope and joy and love. I swear to god it was all there. I was crazy about him, I had panick attacks over him! And then I think... wait, I still do. I don't know if I've said this before, but I went to register at school the other day. I arrived late, without my papers, and saw Andrew at the end of the line and then had a panick attack. Whyyyy does such a stupid boy have to mean so much? I must still be mad at myself for ruining it. There's still that stupid lingering question that every human hates of "what if?" What if I had been a nice girl and accepted his flaws. He would have grown out of it if I would have stuck by him. But in truth, I'm probably too harsh for him. I would have broken his skin a thousand times over and still not feel sorry. I wish people would stop giving me this power. I don't like it. It's scary. I honestly don't like Ellison like I liked Andrew. That worries me. But I like Ellison, I do, a lot, as a person. Maybe we're meant to be just friends. But how do you find these things out? I feel like something's going to happen, it's just a matter of time. And I'm so sure I'll screw this one up. I'll get bored, bitchy, annoyed. I really should stop dating until I'm out of highschool and mature enough to know what the hell to do. Sometimes the old fashioned days sound a whole lot better.

My eyes feel gluey. I'm tired, and it's too late for me considering I have to be at school at 10 tomorrow. 10!?! Yes, 10. I don't know how I'm going to do that and then go to work. Ughhhhh. Today I had a real Ellison day again. I ran on the beach, we ate french fries, we listened to hip hop. All with Wes. I really don't mind him being there. Ellison and I have this sort of relationship were it's sort of like we're buddies. We "hang out" instead of date. I guess this is because we were good friends for quite a while. But then this added attraction, this possibility of something more, has added sort of a -ting- to our relationship. And don't it feel good. I definately notice him touching me a little bit more. Of course, I get squeemish, and he never touches me long, but this is only because we're both so nervous. I'm just glad we're on the same level. Oh, and he actually asked me out on a date. Well, sort of. I like to call it a date. He asked if I wanted to get something to eat with him before Saturday's show. And now we're going to Zoey's. I know this will be sort of romantic. I mean, it's a date! And it's Zoey's! Ooooh I hope when we arrive to the show we will be cute... I like cute couples. I just had a conversation with Wes online about Ellison. It was highly reassuring. I feel pretty good about this. Still scared, but not to the point where I'm thinking about turning around. As long as I keep Maroon 5's new song in my head, I feel okay. So, next order of business..... Aaron, my sister's fiance, was over when I took Ellison and Wes up to my humble abode. Aaron is beautiful. He is seriously one of the hottest men around. And my sister got him. Grrrrrrr. I'm feeling jealousy towards her again. I think it's just because I haven't seen her in a while. Anyways, he gained about 10 pounds and he's pulling off the singer from maroon 5's look. Shaved head and beard. Defined features. Grr he's good looking. Mohl just signed on, it's 1 o' clock, and I have to be up reaaaaaally early.

Donn E616: hi ElectricoBanana: nigger!!!! Donn E616: butthead!! Donn E616: i'm back!!! What a way to reunite :) I hope I can handle myself at this party... 15 tops guys, including Ellison... how can I keep my head pointed in one direction? Oh, wait. I forgot how much I really like him. I ended the conversation wonderfully. ElectricoBanana: goodnight Donn E616: goodnight butthead ElectricoBanana: but wait ElectricoBanana: you have to do my a favor Donn E616: whats that? ElectricoBanana: when you fall asleep, dont think about anything, just let yourself sink and drift and go on a wonderful flying trip as you fall into sleepworld ElectricoBanana: try it Donn E616: hmmm sounds delightful ElectricoBanana: im sure you can because you're so exhausted Donn E616: i shall try it ElectricoBanana: thats the best time for it ElectricoBanana: okay now, goodnight Donn E616: goodnight He bought me souvenirs and made a special picture just for me:

Last night I got woken up twice by gross animals on my balcony. Racoons eating grapes (the noises they make sound like a sea monster) and opposums eating macadamia nuts. I had to wake up my parents and my dad went and threw things like brooms at the animals. Then I went to sleep. . . . For a long long time. The previous night was hell. I slept 4 hours in a half-sleep, never really reaching the deep sleep. So I spent 3 hours (6am-9am) taking a walk, writting, reading the newspaper, and crying out of frustration from being so tired. Then I slept 2 hours in my bed. So tonight's sleep was a blessing. But now I feel out of it. Weed. Money. All at Vanessa's. "You need to clean your room before you go out again." Shitttt. They don't understand my utter need for this medication. I almost cried in the car out of fear for going to sleep last night. I'm really afraid of the night. I feel uncomfortable about the fact that I sent him that email. Now I feel like I have to act upon it even if I don't feel like it. I don't know how long I can be happy with one boy. I'm so nervous.

I excercised today. Walked 5 miles with my mom, went to the amphitheatre. It feels so good to work out. I forgot how much it cures my depression. It just could be one of my favorite things to do. I still miss him like crazy. We sort of got in touch through email yesterday, and it just reminded me of how much I miss him. 4 more days.. I hope it's good when he gets back. The stress is starting to throw itself at me. Because it's soon to be August. And I have so much summer work that I don't even know about.. Shiiiiiiiit. I hate being stressed out. But oh how I do it well. "A state-run primary school in the central Indian state of Chhattisgarh resorted to stirring spirits and marijuana into the school lunch to keep meals tasty, a report said."

a lot a lot. But seeing as how very few people will ever read this, I guess it doesn't matter. Last night was... pretty exciting. I didn't freak out, however, I also didn't smoke very much. I think it's when I got home that the excitement really began. Mysterious IM... I hope it happens again. It encouraged me to dance with him. I have to. I've been dancing all morning because I am re-discovering the joys of it. I really miss dancing. I guess this is my next creative journey. Dancing. Hmmm... I wonder what will be next. It's sort of exciting to always have a different creative outlet. But I still can't help wishing that I'll find one thing that really sticks forever and that I have a passion for. I think passion is one of the most beautiful things. When you see someone who has something that they really, really love, it just looks so good. I guess that's why so many people try to pretend that music is their life. Because it'd be a passion. And it's easy to pretend that you're in love with music. I wonder what percent of those people that say music is their lives actually are obsessed with music. I bet it's one of the smallest percentages ever. And does anyone realize that if music really was their lives, they would be really really obsessive (sort of scary) and probably not care much about things that many of us find to be important just because they care so much about music. Ughh I just hate people that try to claim something about themselves just to feel in. Music is not my life. It will never be my life. I will probably always love music and play music, but it will never be my life. I sort of envy people that can have one single thing that they completely adore. Something easilly stated, something that they know they love and always have loved. Something to give their life a sort of meaning. I know that I will probably never find something like that. Something that would satisfy me for so long like that. I think I might have trouble accepting the fact that I have to put a good amount of effort into something for it to give back to me. I give up on things quite quickly. Or I just get bored. Ughhhhhh. I'm sort of frustrated and all this entry has brought me to do is go play my guitar. I sort of feel bad for not playing it very much. Sorry, mr. geetar.

I have finally cooled off from my "I heart Ellison and miss him soooooo much!!" phase. What can I say? I move on quickly. However I still completely adore this boy and I'm still looking forward to seeing him again. 6 more days... Tonight I get to go to the Loft (puke on you, venue who likes to show my butt to the world), and refill on weed and music. Tomorrow I'm hoping to see Moving Units. Oh god I do I pray that I can see them. I think it would be phenominal. To get in the spirit, I re-downloaded some songs. I think I will be tres-depressed if I don't get to go. But then again, I'll probably just take the normal route of "Oh well...." Exciting things that happened today: - I found my medicated chapstick under my bed - I sewed. Poorly. But I still did it. Yeah, my life isn't that exciting. Exciting things that will happen: - Moving Units (if I pray to the lord jesus christ enough and get a ride) - seeing friends - weed refill - burnt cd offering from a lovely giving friend - live music offering from some lovely awkward men (can I call them men?) - job (=money) This is an incredibly pointless entry. I'm just bored. I guess I could do my makeup.. which takes 10 minutes. Or, I could download more of Godspeed! You Black Emperor.. which would take about 1 minute and then I would leave the computer. Let's just face it: when I'm not super crazy over a boy and thinking about him every second, my art work (including writting) turns to crap. Disgusting how much relies on guys.

For the life of me I could not sleep last night. I layed in bed, thinking about him as I usually do, until there were no more thoughts that I could think about. It must have been 1:30 at that time, and I decided to do something to go to sleep. I smoked a bowl, then played my guitar. I made up a new song and even wrote it down (in a very unproffesional and stoned way). Then, as my eyes felt the heaviest they'd felt in days, I layed down in my cozy bed. I turned on the light about 3 times just to fix my pillows. When I layed down I swore I could hear water and the noises of people shuffling or walking. Finally I realized it was just the fan, so I turned on Coldplay, got lost in that world, and fell asleep. Now welcome to today. At around 8 I got a text message from him telling me how many black people there are wherever he is. I should ask what state he's in. He told me he has lots of stories to tell, so I told him to write them all down so that I can hear them one day. I can't wait for him to return. Like Christopher Columbus, except Asian, returning with so much to tell. I'm looking forward to sitting down with him and having him tell me every single detail of every day. I'm also looking forward to being his girlfriend. I know it's going to happen. Not to say that I'm not still scared. I'm frightened out of my mind because I really like him. I like him as a person, not just a crush, and it would be horrible to lose another great friend like that. I don't want this relationship to ruin anything. I always read in those silly teen magazines not to go out with your best male friends. I know it would probably be best if we could keep things on a friendship level, but there's no denying feelings. There's no way we're going to be able to hang out a lot and not become a couple. I hope somebody is praying for this relationship. It needs some luck because I'm so nervous. Here's some clips of Yahoo!news that I plan on sending him: "A four-year-old boy caused chaos at a Norwegian airport this week when he hopped aboard a luggage conveyor belt as if it were a merry-go-round. " "Love-Sick Bird Risks All to Fly Back to His Mate: Distance proved no obstacle for an intrepid New Zealand tomtit, which apparently dodged predators and braved open seas to fly more than 37 miles back to his lady-love. " "Athletes at next month's Athens Olympics are expected to go for gold in the bedroom as well as on the field, with 130,000 free condoms being made available throughout the Games. " I think they're all fairly relevant, enough to stir the mind a little. The first one, because it takes place in an airport, the second because, well, look at that (is it too much), and the third one because, hey, the sex! I think I actually want to treat him well. That's unusual for me. To actually care about being that good to someone. Heh. Maybe it's just because I haven't talked to him in a while. I can't believe how much I miss him. Wow.

Yes it's true I actually do do do! have a crush on him. And it feels lovely. I figured that thinking about him every night when I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up constitutes as a crush. He's off on vaca for a week and with fairly good timing. Things are really starting to bloom and with this break I'll find out if I'm really ready to start something with him. I can think of so many great things about him, the list is very very long. And the negatives? That's the thing.. there aren't any. Except that he'll let me control him. But what can you expect out of highschool boys? I'm not going to use my power over him for any evil. In fact, I'm trying to not use it at all. I like feeling like an equal. Today I went to the market. It's a disgusting and trashy market, however I can get a lot done just with one trip. I got a little excersize in and got out of the house, I went to the bank to pick up money, then continued across the street to the grocery store to buy milk and tampons, then continued on my way to return library books, then next door to return movies and rent more. And then on the way home I picked blackberries and strawberries and had a fairy-sized feast. On the way up to my house I got the mail, and discovered that the Ojai Shakespeare group is performing Much Ado About Nothing and Macbeth in August. I used to go into Libbey Bowl every summer for those plays when I was a wee one and still lived in Ojai. My dad worked on them, training the actors in fencing. I think this is a great opportunity for a date! I'm very much looking forward to that. Hopefully things work out for longer than a couple weeks.