MY IPOD IS FINALLY BACK FROM THE REPAIIRRR SHOP YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYAYYYY im glad to finally have my life back, because without it i was not functioning. this week was fucking brutal. i am so burnt out from my AP exams... every morning this week has been HELL. i just need a day to myself. one day. but i cant skip any more school. especially since next week i will be skipping TWO DAYS to go sbing. jeeez louise. i cant function right now, and i feel like i have lost all social skills. it might be the astrology or something. and also in the past couple weeks i have suddenly started to suffer from low self esteem... something that ive never really had, because ive always been sure that im at least good at SOME things. but i just feel sooo unattractive and.. i guess invisible right now. im not even sure why. but it sucks ass. ive basically just come to accept that boys just dont seem to like me? something about me seems to turn them off and i just wish i knew what it is. this past year they all just seem to see me as nothing, and i always felt like i had something to offer and was never sure why this is, but recently ive just realized that i really just dont have anything to offer? i wonder if i will ever have a boyfriend... i mean up till now i just havent wanted one... but lately i have, because i really want the experience at least? but its not like thats about to happen... im good at a lot of things and i know that, but boys just arent one of them. maybe its because i dont know how to flirt... i dont know what is wrong with me. eeck... i dunno. i just wish soooo bad i had a better sense of self... im going to go read.

I FREAKING HATE MY FATHER HE FINDS COMFORT IN TELLING THE CLEANING LADY AGAINST MY WISHES TO DO MY LAUNDRY, SO SHE CAN TAKE THINGS THAT DO NOT EVEN NEED TO BE WASHED AND PUT THEM IN THE WASH WITHOUT EVEN READING THE LABELS. THREE OF MY FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING HAVE BEEN DAMAGED. MY FAVORITE JACKET IS DESTROYED. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. FUUUCK.

ITS SO NICE OUTSIDE! I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THIS WEEK IS OVER, AND EXAMS ARE DONE BECAUSE THEN MY LIFE WILL BE STRESS FREE =D I HAVE A CRUSH ON A BOYYYYYY I AM GOING OUTSIDE TO STUDY BYE

OMGZZZ GOOD DAY! ME AND BREANNA WANTED CAKE SO WE LEFT LEADERSHIP CLASS, WALKED TO SAFEWAY, BOUGHT AN ENNNORRRMOUUSSS CHOCOLATE CAKE, STOPPED AND ATE SOME ON THE WAY BACK, AND THEN ATE THE REST WITH PEOPLE IN THE CAFETERIA! yumma yumma! i LOVE leadership adventures. other than that i had such a good day because i love everyone, and the sun was shining. but HOLY CRAP EXAMS IN LIKE A WEEK AND I HAVENT EVEN STARTED TO STUDY @$&*$@&*$&@*$&@*$& oh no no no no no!

WHAT THE HECK THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA GAVE ME FOOD POISONING i am repulsed by LBHS officially. hahaha. today it is SOOOO SUNNY!!!!! but im in a pickle because i left all the stuff for my english project at schoool. i dont know what i will do. and duncans going to be here soon. uh oh. im going to go try to figure that shyyyt out! LOVEEEEEEEEEE <33333 I AM SO HAPPY IT IS SUMMERY!!!!!!

last night courtney slept over! and at 10 we went out wioth justin and "wilmar" and my mom was like BE BACK IN 10 MINUTES ITS A SCHOOL NIGHT. and then... we didnt come back for two hours. but only because we went to the sheesha bar! so i kind of got in trouble, but i think my mom forgot already. because im supposed to be "grounded" and it doesnt seem like i am. but she always says im grounded and i never am. anways though, today was really fun! i woke up SOOO well because the sun was shining in my window. and i havent slept so well in a while... its funny how on a night that i got like an hour of sleep i am more awake then ever before? school was cute, i really loved everyone a lot today. and at lunch/ 1st period me, gabby, justine and bre went to 17th on a "feildtrip" and tried on army clothing at hot gossip (i bought a hat) and then ate lunch at my dads restaurant. it was sooooo good, we shared duck confit salad and then i had penne putenesca! YUM YUM! but i need to go do some homework so i dont have time to write about the weekend. too bad because it was a gooder! =D

OH MY GOD I AM SOOOOOO BAD AT SIT DIARY! good thing no one knows i have it and no one reads it. ummm i havent written since january 1. and im not going to update because holy crap that is a long time and i dont have that kind of patience. im stressed right now about school but when am i not this semester?! AP exams are soon and i cant wait till they are done. right now all i can do is miss spring break. because calgary is so gay and everyone here is so boring. no offence to anyone. but your boring. i miss the sun and fun people and every boy on the planet being in love with courtney and i because we are such babes. jeez. im also having snowboarding withdrawal because i havent been in so long, and i NEED to go soon, this weekend def. im going to be sewwww hardcore. and learn spins. I NEED to learn spins! i should go study. or sleep. ummm def sleep. =D

i dont know what blasphemous means. hi. its mid christmas break. and this whole break has been really dissapointing and boring. new years was blah. but then again, new years is so overrated... i think i had too high of hopes. i dont know. i want some things that just dont seem to be in the cards for me. and by that i mean things that a lot of people take for granted. on a brighter note, christmas was really good. i got some cute stuff, best of all a video ipod. but more than that i liked christmas day because me and my brother drove back from st. albert (which was good, i cant take much of some of those cousins) and came to see the mcneill cousins, which of course, are basically my brothers and sisters. a few couldnt make it but it was still nice to be with everyone. and then yvonne and i saw eachother, which was also nice. im so proud of her and her new career, its crazy how successful she has been in a matter of months... from never having a job to being a real estate agent in a firm... i think thats pretty admirable. me and her wound up parking and talking for hours and i think for the first time ever being totally honest... about everything but mainly about our feelings toward my dad. i mean he can be a great guy, but i am so fucking sick of his bs and his preaching. he needs to stop putting himself on a pedistol and bragging about himself while tearing other people to shreds. he thinks hes the freaking dali lama. gawwwwwd! anyways. im excited for next semester and school, as weird as that sounds. just because i am ready to make some MAJOR changes. im waiting on a call though so im off. happy holidays!

its so soon! i went shopping today and i bought two of my presents. i think they are both pretty cute. i just need to finish doing friends, and then my mom, brother and grandparents and i will be FINISHED! yayyy! i cant wait for christmas eve... it is the happiest time of the year. nothing else matters but what is happening on that day! my school is fucking retarted and not letting us out until the 23rd but i dont care, im not going back after wednesday. i really REALLY hope the break is acually fun. and we actually do fun things like snowboard and party. love, im going to bed and it is 8:00. im exausted! <3 <--chachee?

you know, high school girls are the oddest human beings i have ever encountered. its halarious how they have a new best friend every month, and become like infatuated with that person. you know, because they are " BEST FRIENDS FOREVER!" they do everything together, basically become one person. and then, one day they "hate eachother." they start threatening eachother with death threats and spreading rumours. and then they run off to become someone else's BEST FRIEND FOREVER. i dont get it. why are they so retarted? i mean its okay to become good friends with people, and drift/ grow apart and what not because thats just life, people change. but its so dumb how all these girls have huge paragraphs written about how inseperable and meant to be their friendship is with some girl they started hanging out with two weeks ago. tsk tsk. i dont know what to think!

so this weekend was pretty fun. i wish i could have gone to the party on friday, but i had fun even though i couldnt. for part of this weekend i was in a really weird mood where i was kind of an idiot, but i grew out of it by sunday. i didnt do any homework again though which is retarted because im getting more and more behind as we speak. but lately i just dont care anymore. which is kind of retarted of me? im sick of drinking. i hate how everyone seems to need alcohol to have a fun time. i dont understand why pot is illegal and alcohol isnt... like wouldnt it make more sense the other way around? people dont act different when they are high... and with alcohol we like become different people. which can be fun and everything, but lately its gotten quite repundant. im excited for next semester. i have a feeling it will be a lot better- less stressed, and more fun. and i hate not just living in the moment, but i cant help being excited for it. and besides, christmas is soon. and i will obviously not be in a weird mood during christmas because that is impossible. i love the holidays. they make me feel like me again. anyways, maybe i should attempt a little social. love love love

wednesday is the most blah day of the week. i think a lot of people would argue and say monday is, but monday is sometimes exciting because you have a whole new week. wednesday is just so frustratingly boring and uneventful always. today i wrote a math test. and i think its the first test of the year that i actually did incomprehensibly terrible on. i dont even want to know what i got. LIKE, I SKIPPED A WHOLE WRITTEN RESPONSE?!?!? whats wrong with me? gad! lunch was fun, except for this one part when this weirdo kid with those ear spacers( like the biggest ones i have ever see, they were about an inch and a half wide) told me all about his peircing/ tattoo plans. those ear things are sick. why do people actually want to do that to themselves? what is WRONGG WITH YOUUU?!?!?! in five years you will get over your little phase and not want your flesh STETCHED accross plastic rings and you will have to live with that for the rest of your life. ugh. then in social and phsycology we just watched movies. which was pretty decent i must say. oh, and we also listened to music in phsyc because koehler is on crack pretty much. but it was cool. i dont know what i am going to pick for my favorite song... what a decision! i dont have one! and non are on CD's and i dont get my ipod till christmas. TIME FOR OPRAH BYE, LOVE, BYE!

so this weekend was pretty fun. i did some christmas shopping (well, more like christmas scouting), hung out with some kids, got my hair cut, ate breakfast at nellies cafe, had some BHB kids come over to hang out, got really drunk, and slept! it was pretty tight. friday night was tight, saw lots of people i havent seen in a while. and saturday night was pretty rad i must say, i had a lot of fun because there werent any crashers and i didnt have to worry about saving my house from anybody. i dont remember most of the night though, but ill go ahead and asume i was probably quite silly. i was glad cayley came, i miss her a lot! we dont hang out really this year, so it was good to see her. she is a cute girl. anyways im going to get some sleep so i dont fall into the desk tommorrow. LOVEZ

kay wtf. girls that follow me around at school for a thousand months are weird? who latch on and try to be my best friend when i never even see them outside of school? and THEN tell people random things that i supposevely said about nights that happened in like september that i dont even remember? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? go away! you arent my friend! BAH!

i hate being sick. i hope i am better by tommorrow. and i have a fever which means im tired but cant sleep? ew. i should do some homework maybe. or drink more tea. because tea= life. kay bye.

so i was going through my nexopia blogg's and i found this? i kind of remember writing it last spring i think? so like a year ago-ish. im not really sure what to think about it? but wow teen angst much eh? ha! jeez louise! I have no clue what is happening to me. Everything that once stood radiantly clear and defined has collapsed; now I am laying in a pile of cluttered words, feelings, promises. Everything that was so easy and thoughtless just months ago is buried under random excentricities of hurt, anguish, and even hapinness and genuine truth. There is no distinction and the days seem to fall into one another in the same way that everything else is. There is no path, no light at the end of this collapsed, blown out tunnel. I am not depressed or even angry, just confused and lonely. People I once thought of so highly with such trust and respect now seem to be alienating and patronizing me, but the anguish I am feeling as a result of this is causing me to wonder if this is somehow my own fault. I feel like I am losing myself, but I find it hard to define moments of my past as those in which I knew who I was. Though this could be some type of transition period, it has dragged on for months now and I still feel overwhelmed and misunderstood. I feel like I am missing out on something, and worst of all not being respected for my positive traits. Every one of my friends has transferred thier views of me. I want to scream out, I want so badly for them to see just for one second how much more there is to me, how little they know. How little I allow for anyone to know about me. How deep my thoughts are all the time, how I know things that most people my age don't have the time or patience to think about because they have not been in a place where they had to figure things out for their own. I'm so tired of being antagonized and left out, but so much of it is my own doing. Everything that I had so perfectly lain out before my eyes has collided, collapsed and now lay in incoherent ruins. I'm tired of hearing everyones rants about how they hate certain people they have never spoken to; how they can't stand when people judge or label them, while they talk snidely about someone who is undoubtedly so much more than they appear to be. All we do is complain, talk about our own friends and treat people with such little respect while we put ourselves on pedistols. Though parts of me want for people to get me, to see what I see, the majority of my being is so against the very thought of that. Its as though I need some reminant of secrecy of my thoughts, some feeble distinction between what they know about me and who I really am, so that I can retain control over something while these teenage savages rip everything and everyone else apart. My longings, my pains, my true beliefs and my most happy, powerful moments belong to me and no one else, and though they are currently so corroded and indistinct I refuse to put them in a place where anyone can simply judge them in the same way that they judge me now. Not because I care what they say or think, but because they don't have that right. When I told the people who I thought were my friends about the boy I met in the summer they go telling people that I must have exagerated and made things up? It disgusts me that people can be that condesending and, essentially, mean! I wish now that I had just kept the memories to myself, because that experience actually meant something to me and that was one of the best weeks of my life! There are so many things, both terrible and absolutely incredible, that have happened in my lifetime that I have not told anyone. It's beyond my comprehension where everyone seems to have aquired this inate ability to judge eachother for such superficial reasons. The only thing in my life that I regret are those times that I said mean things about people in reference to such petty, immature issues. For a while I would get so upset when I would hear that someone was mad at me because I offhandedly said something that somehow offended them without thinking. I danced like a girl at a dance without thinking twice because I was just genuinely having fun, and now I am a copier and unoriginal person.To go to school everyday and see people everywhere pretending to love eachother only so that they can go home and talk to whoever they are with about how that one girl is so fake, and, oh, the other one is definately a bitch. And, now, ironically, I am doing the exact same thing. Ranting and raving about stupid petty little issues because even though they shouldn't have, they got under my skin. Karma is something that has been underestimated for such a long time, and decency and natural justice has been long since forgotten. I'm tired. I want big things for myself, huge things. I have yet to meet a person who truly understands me in a way that I feel that I can let them know all of the things I have never told a soul. All of the experiences in my life that exist in my memory only because I am terrified of what could happen to them if they were to be released. The loneliness grows stronger every day at the same pace that the incomprehensible pile of cluttered existence grows deeper and less retrievable. I dont know what I want from what I need anymore and I don't know what or who I am supposed to be. I am not even sure anymore of who i am. I do know that I am strong enough to come out of anything and this is no exception. But, I am not sure when, how and more importantly who will convince me to share all of those secrets: all of myself.

i have a crush on a boy. but every time we talk i just throw things at him and say "look at this idiot?!?" ahaha, oh god im SO weird?! oh dear dear dear. at least crushes are fun. im gonna hang out with him this weekend, so MAYBE i can be unakward and talk to him without either dropping something, calling him an idiot and/or getting shy and embarrassed and running away. PS. i wish photosynthesis would DIE. why are we even learning about it. do i REALLY care how many ATP's are created through glycolosis? no. no i do not. oh, and PSS. to the " you are a weird entry" wiseguy YOU HAVE A WEIRD FACE! =D sunshine and fairydust to all!

why, oh WHYYYY does my dad find it necessary to turn my music off everytime i find the song i was looking for. i dont understand why adults dont like music... i dont understand how they live without it. they just listen to the one or two bands they liked back in their glory days and maybe a little enya. they close their openness to anything new and unique and exciting. i dont understand why the man would prefer to sit in silence instead of actually listening to the words of a really deep song. pffft. oh well, when i hit twenty five i will probably lose intrest in beautiful sounds as well. i wonder what our children will listen to? this is a weird entry.

you know, being a teenager is so weird. one day your mad at the world and the world seems mad at you and absolutely nothing is going your way, and the next you wake up and life has fallen in love with you again. the play is officially over and i am officially sad. two weeks ago i couldnt wait for it to be done so i could squeeze in an ounce of free time, but now that its over and it will never be again its kind of upsetting. but at the same time its cool, because i met so many great kidzzz. i really like them all lots, and next weekend there is cast partay so yeah. it was such a fun show and it really turned out well. and im kind of nervous for auditions on wednesday for the new play but not overly because what ever is meant to happen will. aaahhhh, i have a crush on a boy. i did a while ago and then it faded but now i do again. hes really cute in the weirdest way. but, then again, knowing me i will wind up going on one date with him and getting bored of his antics. ew im so dumb. oh, and bus boi always talks to me now. and like moves seats to sit next to me and awkwardly trying to make conversation. a month ago i would be happy but im done with that crush i think. i listening to jack johnson and all i can think about it lying in the sun in the middle of the ocean with shannon napping after a day of climbing waterfalls and seadooing and getting in big trouble for riding next to a catamaran and flirting with beautiful boys. oh summer. i miss spring of grade 10 when everything was so easy and simple. when i didnt care what people thought and i still felt like myself...

im in such a weird mood lately... like i have had the worst week ever but for no apparent reason. i just hate it. im so ridiculously stressed out and i probably cant do anything this weekend since i turned down going out tonight because im so desperate for sleep. im so exausted. and i feel so weird lately... i have been like estranging myself from everyone. i feel like ive lowerd all of my friendships this year minus maybe one or two to aquaintances, which usually i like, but right now its just making me feel so inexplicably strange. i dont feel like myself... and im so upset because i dont really think i like grade 11... and when i was little i was so excited for this year because i always thought it would be the best ever. i dont even know what to think. i want to move somewhere that i dont know anyone and just start over. ive just been in such a bad mood lately and i know its affecting the people around me. and it hurts that a couple people that i once really cared about dont even care at all that we dont talk anymore- if anything they seem happy about it? i dont know. i need to go for a walk and then go to bed. and then drama at 8:30 tommorrow morning! AWESOME!