i've come to a realisation. im most definitly not over raymond. i think im in love with him. well, it might not be love, but its the closest thing to it that i've ever felt. i love how immiture he can be sometimes :] like today, he was being an ass && poured like, half a bottle of water on my head. i didnt really care, to tell you the truth, b/c it was the end of the day, && who was really gonna see? but still, i chased him around the courtyard && then when i finally caught up to him, hes like "im sorry ashley, i love you" && then he gave me a hug. && i guess he was waiting for me to let go, && i was waiting for him to let go, && it lasted for forever. && i dont mean to sound corny, but i didnt want to ever let go. like, i felt safe. i didnt care that tommorow i probably was gonna be grounded for my math grade. i didnt care that i was soaking wet && freezing. i didnt care that things w/me and my friend Lisa were going down the tubes. i just cared that i was there, and he was there, and nothing could touch me. i mean, he says he likes me, and he knows i like him, but i guess he just doesnt anymore. and i dont know why. all i know is that that was the best feeling in the world, being in his arms. and i dont want to let it go.

oh my goodness i'm done with that asian. seriously. she can be so retarded sometimes. she snuck like, four boys over when her mom wasnt home && they drank. && she think just because she didnt drink that it made it ok. it didnt. && like, she was telling stephanie, my best friend that i was hitting on her boyfriend! i totally wasnt. it might have seemed like it to lisa because shes really antisocial. but like, agkdhlfga;ujklsdfdsgas why would she start stuff like that? stephanies not mad, b/c she understands that hes much more fun to talk to than she is. hopefully nathan can give me rides in the morning. && hopefully i can find someone else in lunch to sit with. i dont want to cause a big thing, but i just dont want to be associated with all the things she does. && then my mom finds out b/c of her mom && i get in trouble for them, too. like, they talk to me and such about how wrong it was. idk. i just dont want to deal with her whinyness && such anymore. correct me if im wrong.

wow. i thought i was the only one with these problems, but I was reading some of the enteries on the main page, and i get how these girls feel. && its comforting in a cheesey way, to know that your not alone after all.

Oh my goodness yesterday was sooo much fun. Exactly what I needed. Ashlee && Lisa slept over, and we made a video to Bye Bye Bye, drew with chalk, and just laughed the whole entire night :] I wish my whole life could be like that.

Ughhh, I'm really mad right now. Me && my friend, Liz have a notebook together, like, we write to eachother && such, && she wrote alot about this guy she likes && i wrote soo much about Raymond, stuff that I haven't told anyone before. And the guy she likes read the whole entire thing. It was like, my innermost thoughts && stuff, and this guy i barely know knows everything about me now. && like, i think that shes coming home w/me tommorow && if we all go to the movies it'll be weird, b/c he knows i like raymond, && idk. i just feel all uncomfortable know. which i shouldnt, because right about now i should be going out with the grease monkey, but idk whats going on. Like, its weird. Nothing has changed. Well, its like hes more distant. aglkjdlkafj idk. this is all bull. but i wish he would realise how much i like himmmm. gahh. i've been having like, the worst 2 days ever. Yesterday i hung out with lisa and graham, && i swear to god, graham must be bi, not gay. He was like, feeling up on my hips && everything. it was really really weird. Haha, i put him in a headlock && threw him on the ground :] but still, i dont think he gets that hes not one of the girls, and he cant do that. because like, i slapped lisas butt && then he started slappin it too, && mine. and then tappin on my hips && such. ughh idk. i know things could be worse, but theres just so much shit going on && i dont want to have to deal with it. i just want to go in my room, go to sleep, and never come out. well, i would come out once raymond finally decided what the fuck he wants from me :/ i mean, ladkgalfjkdsg;jaakfkdlagksdfs. how longs it gonna take? his girlfriend treats him like total and complete shit. I like him, he likes me. && i would never treat him like that. idk, doesnt it seem like a simple decision to you? aglkjdlrkfds idk anymore. i just wannna cry

I feel like such a looser. Homecomings on the 13th && I still dont have a date or anything. I'm not even sure if I'm going to go anymore. I was thinking that if I couldn't find a date, i could ask my neighbor/bestfriend nathan if he could take me, like just as a friend or w/e. b/c he doesnt have anyone to go with either. But i'm still hoping raymond asks me. Even though lately things have been very weird. Like, he has a girlfriend who treats him like shit, but he doesnt want to break up with her because he doesnt want to be alone, but he doesnt realise that he wouldnt be alone, he'd have me. && i mean, he knows i like him, && he likes me. Everytime he is about to break up with his girlfriend, he acts like this. The other day when we signed off aim, he said "i love you ashley, more than you'll ever know". && i know he means it, dont ask how, but i do. I dont know, maybe hes just scared to be in another relationship, because all the ones hes been in, his girlfriend has treated him like crap. lgkahjdfklja idk. its so freaking confusing. i dont know what he wants from me. i like him sooo much. like, you wouldnt belive. i just wish he would decide what he wants from me && then either ask me out or stop leading me on. klaghdsofjdklhlkjd. i guess i'll post more later. my mom wants me to get off <3

I'm so proud of myself :] I told him how i felt about him. It might not seem like a big deal, but it is to me. I'm not that good with guys && such, && i'm usually really quiet, && this year im really working on it. But yeah. I just came out and said it. or, typed it. yeah, idk how i feel right now. very confused. because last time he broke my heart, and i dont want it to happen again. so i'm not getting my hopes up, just wishful thinking i suppose. :] yeah. :] eee. he makes me really happy. he does. && i love him to death. :] i really do. gdlkafjdlkajg:D idk what else to say