whenever i drink coffee i feel even more sleepy. or is it that i havent really woken from this deep slumber, that coffee allows me to partially see what the real world looks like? i walked again today, three miles. it was very nice out so i said what the hell. i enjoy checkin everyone out anyways. there are guys my age that watch me which would normally freak me out but these guys are like HOT so im like daaaaamn theyre lookin at me?! haha. a part of me would like to do 100 laps around just to look at them over and over and over again. this excites me, a lot. i went to family planning to get birth control because i lost my last two months worth. they asked if i had a papsmear done in the past year and i just had one in april so i told them. they wanted to number to the place and i was like uuuuuuh i dunno. so i had to come home and call movie gallery to see if they would look up the number in the phone book [it was the only PA number i could remember]. the guy was like i dont feel morally comfortable looking that up for you, your going to have to get your baby killed elswhere. i was like WTF DUDE! im tryin NOT to get pregnant. lol. i ended up finding it online and went back up to the clinic. they wanted me to pay $50 for the visit and $25 for each month of birth control i needed, and i need at least 8 months. so that totalled out to $250 plus 7% tax. FUCK THAT. abstinence is key now. dustin will just have to masterbate to the porn again. poor thing. im ending this entry with a song that goes out to my handsome lover dustin. Thank you For being everything you always are For being there like no one else You know my heart Do you realize what you've done for me You made me see that love is worth believing in I want to thank you for being The one thing i can count on in my life For always giving more than you have to give I love you for everything you do I just want to say thank you I want to give you all you've givin me From the sweetest gifts down to the little things Anything you need. Everything I am I'll be loving you until forever and... I want to thank you for being The one thing I can count on in my life For always giving more than you have to give I love you for everything you do I just want to say thank you From sunrise,to sunset You know. I'll do my best To say thank you thank you I want to thank you for being The one thing I can count on in my life For always giving more than you have to give I love you for everything you do I just want to say thank you i love you dustin. thank you for everything <3

im in mass now. i left on sunday. it was a rough day for me i thought i would have been fine but turns out i wasnt. when i had everything ready to go i went and woke kyndle up and gave her a hug and we said our goodbyes. my eyes teared up soo badly but i tried to hold back the tears. then dustins mom gave me a hug and it was a nice hug one i havent gotten from her in a long time. it actually had meaning in it. well i started balling. i mean. i just got home and i was leaving again. kinda sucks. i was going to be without dustin and we just spent every day for 9 months together. i knew it was going to be hard. but i just didnt think i could leave, at least not for that long. but i sucked it up and got in the car and took off. the highway was flooded and i almost died a few times but i made it here alive and well. grammy seems to be doing good. people still think shes my sister. no joke. haha i love it. weve done a little shoppin here and there because dustins dumb dad threw away the bag that had all my summer clothes in it. asshole. so saturday morning....really early her and i take off for florida. were driving. im excited. ive never drivin through these states before so i think it will be nice to see. grammy said i would love new york. [note to self: buy a camera for pictures]. its funny. everytime i hear new york i think about kyndle. i wonder why. well ive been feeling shitty for about a week now so im gonna go chill. it will probably be a while until i write again so youll have to make way without me. <3 [not that anyone reads this]

home sweet home. at last. how sweet it is. i missed everything soo much. im pretty sure dustin was crying when we pulled into the driveway after a 7 hour drive. he was happy. i was happy. we were all happy. i scared the shiznite outta kk when i knocked on the bathroom door. it was the greatest most dramatic but real facial expression i have ever seen. i missed her the most. lisa looks like she gained a little [which i understand cuz shes been under a lot of stress. but kk. damn. shes def. lost some. wait not some. A LOT. she doesnt have that cute lil pudge roll anymore. i want her contacts. theyre pretty. i just woke up from a nap. i went to bed at 1am and got up at 4 because i couldnt stand the flea bites anymore. im covered in them. ugh. damn cats. i just hope the rats dont get fleas. i saw dan dan last night. damn hes huge. i must say hes grown into quit the dude. shit i gotta bounce. im gettin bit by the damn fleas.

i cant fucking believe it. im in hot sunny weather....and im sick. really sick. ugh. this sucks.

so nicole and i went out with some guy shes been talking to online and his friend. they were both really nice and funny. so nice that tomorrow night they are throwing me a farwell party. how sweet. people here are so easy to get along with [for the most part] theyre all laid back and chilled. people in maine need to wake up. i dont think dustins mom likes me anymore. she never calls to talk to me and when she calls and i answer she quickly asks wheres dustin before i can get a "how are you" out. crazy. im going to miss halloween at the brown house which really does upset me because i wanted to dress up and go trick or treating with kyndle. instead i will be on the hot beautiful beach in florida workin on a tan i so dearly need. im scared about school. about moving to mass. about being soo far away from dustin. what if our love cant outlast this bump in the road. what then? i cant picture me without HIM. he is my soulmate. im sure of this.

just a few more days and we will be all packed up and ready to move back home. i cannot wait. there is something about this place i will miss. maybe because its the first place ive lived at on my own with no family around. i dont like it that way though. next time i want to be near everyone i love. 14 hours is a little much especially with the gass prices. my rat is hiding in a hole underneath our kitchen sink. i was letting him run around and POOF. the fucker disapeared. he wont come out either. thats what scares me. ive tried to get him out by luring carrots and cookies in front of the hole but he is too stubborn. i guess he thinks this is his way of being wild. haha. i just hope he comes out before we go to bed. id feel horrible. so now that i am no longer working i am bored to fuck. i hate not working. it sucks. i have nothing to do and no one to keep me amused because dustins at school and nicole is working. blagh. this sucks. im sick. my nose is stuffy and i keep sneazing. i peed my pants earlier. haha i couldnt believe it. i was sitting here in brandons computer chair too. i dont think any went on it though cuz it doesnt smell. ooooh lord. so my whole diet plan failed horribly. i seriously need to do something about my complusive junk food eatting disorder. maybe i should seek therapy? booooooreed to death yos!

i quit movie gallery. they FUCKING suck. end of that story nicole and i are chillin and watching laguna beach feeling awfully sorry for ourselves because we had 3 meals from mcie d's and here we are looking at all these skinny pretty girls. we bitch about it yet we are still too lazy to do something about it. thats sad. please feel bad for us. haha brandons apartment is nasty. im going to miss it. im going to miss a lot of things here in pa. but certainly not movie gallery and those bitches cuz theyre mean. the end [happy kyndle?]

NEW LAYOUT!!! YAY Today went by fast. I tried to wake up early so I could walk with gram, but eff that, it was way tooo early for me. Several hours later I got up and got dressed for what I do not know because I didnt think we were doing anything. We remembered grampy said we could use his credit card and spend as much as we wanted so we went out for lunch at a fancy resturaunt on the ocean. I had the best hadock I have ever tasted EVER. MMMMmmmMMMMmmmMMMMMMMM! Today seemed like HIT ON ASHLEY DAY. Fourteen year old boys stopped by the house today trying to get me to sign up for some newspaper [which I lied and said I already got] and shortly after began mackin on me pretty hard. They asked for my phone number so I gave it to them. It will be very hard for them to call without knowing where I live and what the area code was. haha. Freaks. Three more boys hit on my early as well when I was walking. They kept yelling "HEY BABY" or "DAMN GIRL". I wanted to give them a lecture on how to get a hot chick [like myself *wink*] to notice them without shouting profane things at them, but I was too much of a chicken shit. Yes, I will admit, I was afraid of the Fourteen year olds. Their hormones just started going awal. Im sure they would hump anything that got close enough to them, and that wasnt going to be me today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good day at the beach. I am in desprete need of some color and hot sun.

new layout i got bored. things are well in the maclean/brown apartment. i have decided to go to mass and stay with my grandmother while i attend blaine beauty school. its a well known school [youve probably seen commercials for it-theyre really bad haha]. there are more job opportunities in mass anyways so i wont have to worry about that. bla bla bla. i really dont feel like writting. i have to get up at 830 to get ready for work. peace.

life is too stressful for me. i cant take it anymore, im breaking...finally. i look like crap. my eyes are swollen from the hours i spent crying in the tub and the lack of sleep. people look at me like im on crack but i dont care. i dont care about anything anymore - my hair, make-up, if my clothes match my shoes. im done with that. ive decided not to go to college [at least for a while] i dont have the money for it- or the time. i have to work...a lot. i had applied for the november class at pierres school of cosmotolegy and was accepted but i need to apply for a grant, and in order to do that i need to fill out a fasfa and in order to do that i need to get a copy of my tax returns and in order to do that i need $4o and a period of 3 months before i can get them back [possibly longer]. like i can spare $40 and wait 3 months when class starts in 2. so i applied for the january class thinking it would give me time to pay for my car and save up money for my furture and school. but dustin informed me that when we go back home we are required to pay her rent [which i guarantee will be about $500 a month] and as soon as winter is over we are OUT! hyea like we will have money to pay for that and then save some so we will be able to find a place to live and actually settle down. we will be living in a cardboard box in downtown bangor and i will have to work at the strip club divas just to make a decent living because i never had the money or time to go to college. all my plans for life are ruined. im going to be exactly like everyone expects me to be......my mother. a crazy woman with a minimum wage job. ill always be that i knew thats what my life would lead to - i just need to accept that ill be a dead beat nobody for forever. ACCEPT IT! i hate dustins mother at the moment for this. like i dont have enough shit going on in my life as is. this is just one more thing i will have to worry about now. i dont mind paying rent but the fact that shes kicking us out as soon as winters over is ignorant. we told her our plans but NOOO little miss lisa marie brown doesnt care about anybody except herself which is why all her relationships fail! what about my plans? she knows we wont be able to survive and i think she wants just that. all because when she got knocked up and married at 18 and moved away from home for the first time it was hell. she never had any money even for food. i think she wants us to feel that way so we know what its like. well i have news for her....ive been there and done that. and i wont go through it again. whatever i dont care. people say "god does bad things to good people to test how strong they are." well hasnt he tested me enough? i mean first he gives me my parents who were coke addicts and skum. my dad let his friend molest me at age 3 while he watched. he was too dopped up to realize what was going on. thanks dad. ill never forget that. then my ex stepfather who i knew was evil the first day i met him. and sure enough he was. he beat my mother and i since i was five. he rapped my mom forced her to do drugs and drink made her have dinner on the table at exactly 5pm. he stabbed me dislocated my shoulder and thumb fractured my wrist and will now haunt me for as long as i live. the fucker was sentanced to 10 years but only had to serve 2. MOTHER FUCKERS! what kind of judicial system is this. people have gone to jail a lot longer for less serious crimes. my moms new boyfriend is no better. he has a thing for calling her a cunt and throwing lit cigaretts in her face. hes also a drug addict and dealer forcing my mother to do things she doesnt want to. he doesnt have a job and expects my mother to support her my brother him and his three children from hell. i refuse to go back there as long as he lives in that house. my brother has a serious anger problem and i fear he will be a lot like kenny when he gets older. i pray every night he wont. my grandmother whom is my savior continually makes me feel like shit because i dont have any money. yes i know shes paying for a lot right now and i greatly appreciate it and if i had the money to help out i would...but i dont. i dont even have enough money to feed us every week. im just sick of life. suicide has appealed to me more often lately, i know its not the answer but at least everything will stop. at least my heart will be at rest. at least there will be no more suffering. im not that smart though. i would never go down that path i just keep playing this bullshit game and continually get fucked over every time. but thats life right? hopefully my luck will turn around.......hopefully. because i dont know how much more i can take before i am totally broken.

nobody does it better makes me feel sad for the rest nobody does it half as good as you baby your the best i wasnt lookin but somehow you found me. im hungry. really hungry.

nothing new really. dustin and i hard a long deep conversation about our sex life on sunday. we wont get into details about that though for the sake of those that read this. things are going well. ive been happier lately. but still lonley. i miss home and become more and more homesick as each day passes. i know i shouldnt because ill be home in less that 2 months but i think that the idea that its soo close that its making me wish it was closer. ya know. work sucks ass. im ready to quit. damn movie gallery straight to hell! ive become totally obsessed with myspace. i spend every waking minute on it trying to add new things. its insane. i feel so bad right now. dustins here trying to find something to eat and all we have is a crappy can of soup. hmm tastey. the poor guy only eats a sandwich everyday. i wish i had at least $10 to buy him some real food. i hate being poor. i really hate it. on the bright side of things. ive cleaned the living room. it looks great. dustins dad will be up for his graduation. so will his mom and her fiance. theres bound to be drama. dustins mom is already throwing a hissy fit about it. but its important to dustin...even though he says he doesnt want anyone to go to it because its dumb...i know he really wants us there. i cant stand his father. his own children cant stand him...now thats sad. hes a nice guy but needs to stop drinking..BIG TIME...and stop being so lovey dovey touchy feely. he gives me the creeps. ive gotten in the habbit of hanging up on him when he calls here, or throwing the phone to dustin before he can say anything else. blahghalasdf. but yeah. im afraid to be here when the shit between the "adults" goes down. at least me n kk can sit back n chill...watch the show..........and hide.

lets just say dustin and i made things up to one another this morning. twice. and it was amazing. :] (sorry kyndle haha) things are well. i seem to be happier lately. i dont know why. maybe its the vitimans ive been taking? hmmm. ive also been trying to get a regular amount of sleep - like around 9 hours instead of the 13+ i was getting. i think im going to wait to go to pierres until january so i can save up some money and not work so hard while im in school. which means less stress which is what my doctor said i need otherwise im gonna die. too many decisions and soo little time in life. this sucks. p.s. dukes of hazzard is fucking awesome! and the new pittsburgh mall is even better!

these sleepyeyed words you whisper deep past everyone else's slumber- you shouldn't say them. my heart just works itself all up in a fury- and i don't think you're a very good influence on my tendency toward disappearing forever. and again....hes becoming distant....slipping........further......and further........and further...........

the meeting for work sucked. enough said about that. the plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 9am nicole is going to pick me up and we are going to cash our checks and pay our bills. then we will go to her house and chill in her neighbors pool until 130pm, shower, get all snazzy, then go for a strool in pittsburgh. were gonna stop at the new mall and window shop because we have NO money. then we are going to go see dukes of hazzard because we both LOVE jessica simpson [and jonny knoxville and sean william scott are s-e-x-a-y]. it pisses me off that whenever i go somewhere i leave dustin a cute little note. something that says where im going when ill be back and something sweet to brighten his day. i get jack shit from him. he used to be such a romantic guy tuned into his womans emotions. but i guess were in that stage of the relationship where im not supposed to need romance and hot seducing. just wam bam thank you mam and g'night. i begin school november 7th [thats if i can pay for it]. im scared. ive been out of school for a year now and i can totally tell ive gone DUMB[er]. i have a feeling i am going to be the joke in this school. the girl that gets picked on because she has logic common sense or quick wit. i hate my mom. i cant move until i get my inspection sticker which i needed back in june. she was supposed to have already sent it and she hasnt. she never fails to disapoint me. and i know im all for second chances...but this woman is on chance 100,000. ive lost my patience and faith. im still trying to raise her and i should be done with that. i guess its because i fear the impact on danny. i dont want him to ever feel the way i did growing up [and still do], but deep down inside i know its too late for that. i wish life could have been better at least for him. he had to grow up soo fast in such little time. what a waste of a childhood. i hate it but i do blame her for everything. my new years resolution was to let go of the past. to try and forget. to not let it haunt my dreams. but still everynight i check under my bed to make sure HE is not waiting under there for me. i know he seeks his revenge and that frightens me more than anything. once he finds out im back in maine i know my life and the lives of my family will be in great danger. ive been trying to prepare myself for this but i dont think i could ever be ready. the other night i woke up and HE was standing over me with hands spread ready to choke out my last breath. and when he was through strangling me he reached behind his back and took out a knife [the one he had stabbed me with before when he burnt down the kitchen but did not succeed in his utmost desire to end my life] and forced it into my heart to be sure this time he had finished what he had planned long ago when i was 5. a single tear fell from my eye and that was it. when will these nightmares stop. when will this pain end. this horrible amount of anger and pain and saddness i carry every single fucking day of my life since i was a child. i just want to be happy. i dont want to think about how the past has reflected my future and my relationships and the person i have become. i dont want to be this person anymore. i wish i was a snake...so i could shed this skin....become something new and more beautiful. but some things, are just NOT meant to be. on a lighter note its a beautiful night.

today was blagh. woke up. went online. found even more viruses on the computer. loved dustin. took a shower. went to work. work sucked. came home. took pics. played with squirm. now im chillin. i am required to attend a 3 hour meeting tomorrow at my district managers house about work. this is going to blow, harder than cocaine. i have a feeling were all going to get yelled at for something. whatever. she just got a new pool so i am wearing my bathing suit and deff. going swimming before i leave. i have the next two days off. i dont know what i am going to do with myself. we have no food. literally! heres a picture of our fridge. nice huh? and its going to stay that way for another 2 weeks because i wont have any money. would anyone like to donate some? i want to go to the bangor state fair. i want cotton candy and a candy apple. mmm food would be nice. so wouldnt a cig. but i cant afford them anymore. i would also like to go running right about now but its too dark and i know someone sketchy from the trailer park would try to eat me or rape me. i miss home like whoa.

Dustin and I are fine. We talked to eachother the other night. Apparently thats the way I make him feel as well. So we have agreed to say something the moment we feel that way again and why. Had a very loooong boring weekend. We have no food and wont have any until the 19th. I get paid this friday but after I pay for my car and the electricity bill and gas we will only have about $5 left. I am so frustrated you have no idea. I hate the fact that we have to starve because Im only being paid $5.55 a fucking hour! BULLSHIT. At least in maine minimum wage is 6 something. On that note, when I move back I can work at Burling OR Movie Gallery....depends on who pays more. My diet has failed. I ate a bag of chips yesterday...all by myself. I need some collar type thing that will shock me if I touch something junk food like. Where I can I buy something like that??

Dear Dustin, Sometimes I feel like to dont exist to you. Sometimes I feel all alone in this world when I know I shouldnt because I have you......but I do. You complete me I dont know why I feel this way. I feel as if I moved here to be your servant. To feed to, to buy you want you want, to pleasure you whenever you feel nescessary. Last night when I decieded to come to bed I gently brushed my foot against yours, and you so quickly pulled away from me. Is that a sign? Is that how I make you feel all the time? I need to know. I am worried that we are slipping away from one another. please dont let go. i cannot bare to lose you. Sincerely, Ashley Elizabeth

a dark room a scream of scare an abused girl in which no one cares another deep wound a fractured arm a mighty fist he will not disarm they go to trial she begs and pleads for someone to help and follow her lead they let him go so he can beat again little did they know that her life would end she died that night alone and bruise making a solid vow to help the abused as an angel she soars the sky teaching the broken ones just how to fly to escape their pain to be head strong to heep high hopes and to keep moving along I wrote that today in work. Its not done yet. I need to add stuff here and there, but I would appreciate some feedback. Thanks

Last night I began thinking really hard about my diet and decieded to look up online to see if thats why Im a bitch all the time. Come to find out I was right. So now my diet is to consist of chicken, fish, fruits, veggies, and NON-caffinated beverages. No chips, no cookies, no sugar, no caffine, NO JUNK. I know Im crazy there goes all my favorite food. I really hope I stick to it though, it will be better for me in the long run. Also I plan on exercising more. Running, crunches and sit-ups, push ups, and some yoga. OH and I cant eat after 7pm because its bad for you if you do I guess....we will see. This is what I am at right now: weight: 151 body fat: 22% hips: 39 inches stomach: 32 inches thighs: 25 inches arms: 11.5 inches I want to weigh between 125-135 and I want my body to be toned by the time I move on September 30th. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get into shape FAST...let me know. thanks