Maybe surrounded by A million people I Still feel all alone I just wanna go home Oh I miss you, Let me go home I’m just too far from where you are I wanna come home And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life It’s like I just stepped outside When everything was going right And I know just why you could not Come along with me But this was not your dream But you always believed in me ---------------------------------------------- i need to go further in i need fuel, i need loathing 24/7 not that i don't already but i need MORE. this isn't enough it isn't working!!!!!! F-A-T! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I-NEED-TO-LOSE-WEIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! so bloated. sick. im going to the doctors for chest pains. he'll just laugh. fat cow. i want to rot away. this is all i have. starvation.

i got to 8st 4. im now 8st 10 F-A-T. 8st by christmas.

i got my GCSE results-3B's 4C's 4D's. errm i will carry this on when i get off the phone..

ahhhh exams GCSE's suck! english lit-omg i did sooo bad RE tomorrow hope that goes ok! wish me luck peoples

oh god i havn't written anything in so long..i've been meaning to...just....you know..things at the moment have been kinda hard so i didn't know what to say. im eating normally :) i don't like it. but i need to be able to concentrate for GCSE's, eh been crying ALOT usually when eating or thinking about what i've eaten. i've been hurting myself alot more as well..i hate me and just don't like any part of me inside or out. stella! i havn't spoken to you in ages hope you're ok, i'll post on your diary next.

damn it have to go into town..will write what i was going to later. *update* so im back from town, bought loads of shitty school crap i needed. got a application form for a job at a book store, im obssessed with the place so if i got a job there it would be koolie. school sucks i know nothing and exams are comming up. blah. im sooo depressed which aint helping. eating...well... it just seems to be getting worse, if no ones around i cry everytime i eat. otherwise i just have to try so bloody hard not to. im trying to eat 'normaly' cause of exams. its killing me. who can eat this much!!! im having like 2 and a bit meals a day instead of like half, i feel so FAT! i want to talk to my bf but we never see each other anymore cause of revision, only like twice a week compare to our every 2days it sucks a rather lot. i cut again meh wish i could just cut and cut and cut and not have to worry about scars and people seeing them. i hate those scars down my arm, god i was so stupid! im going to have them for the rest of my life now and everyone can see them. blah need to do some work..

11 to go 11! only 11 more 11 and i'll stop i'll be 115pounds 8st 3 i have to get it off fast! i can't stand staying the same weight here ick i would have lost 3 stone :D only 11 more i wonder how quick i could do that? prob take me forever can't wait that long 11 ONLY 11!!

i've been on this account a year. doesn't seem like it. doesn't look like it from the entries either. blah year meh smells

omg the pain shit, my stomach hurts, chinese didn't get out of it. bugger. 9st again thank god! but now thats going to go up :( shite! im crying so often. cutting more and more. made my fishnet arm thingy damn sexy! i wish i was more, so people could love something real not what they believe i am. im so fucking ugly! i hate mirrors! dreams of food and death. suicide haunts thoughts i cannot explain what kills me, but it make me so sad and i wish you could understand. everyone leave me alone to starve and rot away. have't you got the picture yet? i don't want to eat stop hasseling me! stop your stupid comments! it wont change my mind. i cannot so how could you? stop telling everyone! i don't want them to know. you have no idea, no idea what happens inside my mind so don't tell me what to do! don't feel sorry for me. just shut up and get on with it. why is it so easy for others yet i've been like this for so long and still fat!

just had a chocolate bar, that shall be all for the day. yesterday was so scary. i started my pilates class yesterday (with the thinnest person ever :( god i looked so HUGE in the mirror) the teacher turned the air con off, and i hadn't eaten much all day. well shit i over heated BAD. i got really really dizzy, and then everything went all blurry. by that time im thinking shit im gona pass out or throw up, but of corse there was nothing to throw up. so i tried to control my breathing thinking soon soon it'll pass. it didn't. it got worse. i couldn't see a thing! fuck it's never been that bad when this happens. i couldn't see. i was shitting myself. then the teachers voice started to sound funny, like i was floating away somewhere distant. i was so scared. i had to keep listening to the sound of her voice, her voice will keep you there. she came towards me (i could kinda see by then but it was blurry) and i asked her to put the air con back on. she asked if i was alright so i told her i was a little dizzy (understatement of the month!) apparently i was really pale. she made me sit down and drink some water and then some lady gave me some of her power drink. so yea it was amazingly embarrassing for a first class. eek! felt like such a prat! oo and to top it off my stupid fucked up mind started to think. "you stupid bitch, fat, lazy, cow its not cause you didnt eat, it's cause your body can't handle all the food you eat and doing no excersise, stop complainin, just carry on fat bitch! your just so huge you can't do anything, god sake how pathetic are you, everyone must think your so pathetic!" :(

x meaning the things describe you [ ] I am bisexual or homosexual. [x] I've consumed alcohol. [ ] I've run away from home. [x] I have lied to my parents about where I am. [ ] I don't like Bush because from what I hear, he is dumb. [x] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up. [ ] I am for Bush. [ ] I don't really care about Bush [ ] I listen to political music. [ ] I have collected comic books. [x] I shut others out when I'm depressed. [ ] I open up to others easily. [x] I am keeping a secret from the world [ ] I watch the news. [ ] I own over 5 rap CDs. [ ] I own an iPod or MP3 [ ] I own something from Hot Topic [x] I love Disney Movies. [ ] I am a sucker for brown hair. [ ] I don't kill bugs. [x] I curse regularly. [ ] I paid for that cell phone ring. [ ] I am a sports fanatic. [ ] I have "x"s in my screen name. [x] I've slipped out an "lol" in a real conversation. [ ] I love Spam. [ ] I bake well. [x] I would wear pajamas to school. [ ] I own something from Abercrombie. [ ] I have a job. [ ] I love Martha Stewart. [ ] I am in love with love. [x] I am guilty oF tYpInG lIkE tHiS. [x] I am self conscious. [x] I like to laugh. [ ] I smoke a pack a day. [ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower. [x] I loved Go Ask Alice. [x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. [ ] I can't swallow pills. [x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem [ ] I eat fast food weekly. [x] I have many scars. [x] I've been out of this country. [ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room. [x] I am really ticklish. [ ] I see a therapist. [x] I love chocolate. [x] I bite my nails. [ ] I am comfortable with being me. [x] I play video games. [ ] I'm single [x] I'm in a relationship [ ] Had someone cheat on you [x] Miss someone right now [x] lost a loved one [ ] snuck out of the house [x] gotten lost in your city [x] saw a shooting star [x] been to any other countries besides the united states [ ] had a serious surgery [ ] gone out in public in your pajamas [ ] kissed a stranger [x] hugged a stranger [ ] been in a fist fight [ ] been arrested [ ] done drugs [x] laughed and had a drink come out of your nose [x] pushed all the buttons on an elevator [ ] made out in an elevator [x] swore at your parents [x] kicked a guy where it hurts [x] been in love [x] been close to love [x] been to a casino [ ] been skydiving [ ] broken a bone [ ] been high [ ] had sex [x] given someone a bruise [ ] skinny-dipped [ ] skipped school [ ] flashed someone [x] had oral surgery [ ] done the splits [x] drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour [x] bitten someone [ ] been to Niagara Falls [x] gotten the chicken pox [ ] been dumped [x] had feelings for someone who didnt have them back [ ] stole something from your job [ ] gone on a blind date [x] lied to a friend [ ] had a crush on a teacher (substitutes count too) [ ] saw someone die [ ] been to Africa [ ] Driven over 400 miles in one day [ ] Been to Canada [ ] Been to Mexico [x] Been on a plane [ ] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show [ ] Thrown up in a bar [x] Purposely set a part of myself on fire [x] Eaten Sushi [ ] Been snowboarding [x] Met someone in person from the internet (facebook counts!) [x] Been moshing at a rock show [x] Been to a moto cross show [x] had real feelings for someone you knew only online [ ] taken partially nude/nude photos of yourself [ ] been in an abusive relationship [ ] tried killing yourself [x] taken painkillers [x] love someone or miss someone right now [x] thinking one day that youll wake up and every thing will be all better [ ] hate people who are diffrent [ ] raistest [x] wanted to die for the one you love [ ] knew someone was going to die but couldnt help them

i need to talk to my friend but she not online god damn it! shouldn't everyone just know when i need to talk to them! duno if i should but i feel i owe it to her. today has been shite. lunch hell

pah stupid sharp object that aint sharp enough... the lovely lines are back, opsie i swear it wasn't me.. the cat did it :) oh how i missed you all one to take the pain away one so i survive another day one for the words they said one so i don't end up dead one cause i like the pain one to keep me sane one so i survive one to keep me alive one for the guilt i feel one to hope i heal one cause im all alone one cause i can't find home one cause the pain wont sease one in the hope of peace

dear you. i love you. i truely do. and i know i cruel, mean and at times i can seem uncaring, but i care more than you can ever know. im scared, scared of being hurt and left, betrayed and alone; so i push you away because it's better than letting you in and having you let me down. im sorry i put things on you. i shouldn't do that, i know how much it hurts you. i'm sorry about the other night i didn't mean to scare you but things were all too much. i wont do anything to drastic i promice, i'll always be around. i wont go too far im ok, im in control of that, and i know when to stop. nothing i do is that bad so you really don't have to worry, i'll be ok again soon, i really will. this isn't finished...

urgh i just did an hour work out, i know it aint much im so lazy but im soo tired. i havn't eaten today i really should. im going to make cuppa soup with bread oooo. or should i just not eat, i mean i really could get away with it, no ones home

i have new hair and i love it with the new hair shall come a new me beautiful inside and out i'll be kind nice sweet thoughtful i'll be mysterious i'll be THIN.

:'( :'( :( ahhhh n *cries*

this song is so kewl I was five and he was six We rode on horses made of sticks He wore black and I wore white He would always win the fight Bang bang He shot me down, bang bang I hit the ground , bang bang That awful sound, bang bang My baby shot me down Seasons came and changed the time When I grew up, I called him mine He would always laugh and say Remember when we used to play Bang bang I shot you down, bang bang You hit the ground , bang bang That awful sound, bang bang I used to shoot you down Music played and people sang… Just for me the church bells rang… Now he's gone I don't know why And till this day some times I cry He didn't even say goodbye He didn't take the time to lie Bang bang He shot me down, bang bang I hit the ground , bang bang That awful sound, bang bang My baby shot me down.

never thin never beautiful you shadow the purest form

im 8st 11lbs never enough i found a poem it's not mine but i love it Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there; I do not sleep. I am in a thousand winds that blow I am the softly fallen snow, I am the gentle showers of rain I am the fields of ripening grain I am in the morning's hush I am in the graceful rush Of beautiful birds in circling flight I am the starshine of the night I am the flowers that bloom I am in a quiet room I am the birds that sing I am in each lovely thing Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die. beautiful