i dont even know... dont know what to say.. how to say.. it .. how i feel.. how to feel.. it... i know that there is a reason why we must sometimes say good-bye to the ones.. we.. love.. i know that love isnt enough... thats been proven.. i know .. that .. life can get in the way of everything.. that life is full of shit... good shit .. bad shit... who knows.. when its gonna be good , or... bad... life seems to be unpredictable like that .. how lame... that the only thing you can really know for sure about life.. is that it just keeps happening.. but you know what they say... pain is how you know you are alive.. i think being numb is just a way for our minds.. hearts.. bodies ... souls.. to avert a sometimes unevitable pain.. a natural reaction to be being broken... in whatever you way you happen to break.. i guess its the intial shock of it all... just more walls... barriers... but all it does is hurt you more in the end.. or in the middle..(the beggining?) i cant say the end because its really only the end of a chapter.. ... the beggining of the story... i dont know ... i dont know anything.. right now.. i know that i hurt someone.. and i know if i wouldn't have been numb for so long.. if i would've just dealt with my pain.. instead of burrying it.. maybe i wouldn't have hurt someone else.. i made her cry.. i herd her on the other line.. and i cant do anything about it... because the only thing i could do.. is.. to be with her again.. something i cant do.. i need to figure out how to find the air agian.. i need to learn how to breath without sharing the oxygen with another... i need to not feel.. ... well not feel feelings for someone new... i cant do the someone new.. i cant do the fall in love thing... i cant ... i wont ... i dont want to... it just doesn't feel right n.... not right now... i have enough love in my life right now... love in the past.. love for friends a.... and thats all i can handle.. all i need for now... ... i need to find a way to unlock the door that holds.. holds my darkness.. my pain.. i need to throw away my minds heart-meant novicane.. i need to deal with my pain.. and i need to let it go...i need to deal.. (i really need to surf) (i need the beach/ the waves/ the cool ocean breeze/ the rush) i need to find air... pure.. i need to breath.. with only some love beside me .. no more.. no less than what i have.. i need to breath..