where was i for the freak stage?

Fuck You, Fuck Me, Fuck it all. It needs to snow a lot more and i need some smoke.

I passed my drug test! By some act of god i was clean as a whistle. My stomach has been hurting quite a bit lately and im not sure why. I think you are trying to push me away and i dont know why. Its kinda weird and maybe i am wrong but everytime we talk you seem extremely uninterested and if that is true please just tell me and i will forget about you too. I hope i am wrong however cuz i think i mean more to you than that but maybe im just thinking these things are not true at all which is probably the case. Anyways Snowbasin training in the morning. Fucking stoked for sure to start and get that free season pass. Live Fast Die Fun

I think i can offcially say that i am addicted to tobacco and it sucks. I have a drug test tommrrow afternoon and i hope i pass. It was hallowen night that i last smoked and it was only a little bit. I am going to go see about how much a home drug test cost and how mush a detox drink costs as well because i am pretty nervous about it. Yesterday would have three years and i didnt spend it will the person i most wanted but thats ok im cool with it. For all i know she is dating some other dude and not caring about me at all which is also ok. I have accepted that fact. Anyways training start at basin on monday and i am super stoked even though there is not a damn bit of snow anywhere to be found but it will come hopefully sooner rather than later.

When I really start getting down on life it always seems that someone around me is going through something much much worse than I could imagine going through. You know the world is not coming to an end and the best winter of my life is about to happen. With that being said I need to get over everything that has happened in the past and embrace the future and live for the moment. Life is my passion and I am going to enjoy it. I am alive, I am breathing and I am healthy what more could you ask for? Like that homie Chad always said fake it till you make it.

well tommorow would have been three years. it has the potential to be a very emotional day but i hope not for many reasons. Hockey makes everything better and for the next 2 nights my mind wont be wandering off thinking about all the things that i really need to get over already. I need an outlet to be able to put all this emotion into but i dont have one and it builds and builds and then what happened last night happens all too often. I am tired mentally and emotionally. I need to make this stop. Peace Love Unity Respect

should have stayed out longer tonite to keep you off my mind. I need to start getting out of the house to make it easier cuz the only person i am hurting is myself. I have truely accepted the fact that we eventually are going to date other people some sooner rather than later. The past few months have been the hardest of my life and i never thought it would be this way. I moved home to a place where i have no friends to that i can open up too and really tell them how i am feeling. I am hiding it extremely well because nobody knows how badly i am hurting deep inside and no one cares im sure. I wish you didnt make it look and sound so easy and i know it sounds bad but i wish you were hurting like i am. I only want the best for you and that is the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Peace Love Unity Respect

tonight was interesting. i felt like i havent for a long time and it was good i think? its hard to tell. it was good for me I know that. I crossed the line unintentionally and am sorry for that truely. I am seeing the girl that I fell madly in love with a short time ago and i hope that she is seeing the old me again because i am trying to be the person that she fell for just a short time ago. I liked my self back then and lost that somewhere along the way but I hope I am finding it again. You just have to believe I guess. I really dont know what to say. who knows what can happen. Peace Love Unity Respect

wow i think i could a bigger asshole than i ever thought. I need to get away far far away from everyone and everything. Fuckin a.

its never going to happen.

Evertime I think about about you, look at you, see anything that resembles you my heart hurts. I am lonely. Sometimes I still wish we were together for all of the good things that we had. I miss Logan and i hate this town were i am now. I miss the old us and the old you and the old me.

The military is a great hting for a lot of people. In order to join i would have to lose fifty pounds. I could prolly lose it but i highly doubt i could keep it off for the rest of forever.I want to get my CDL and drive a truck. The freedom, the pay, the experience would all be awesome but do i really want to be alone for the rest of my life, talking to me myself and I? I dont really know. For now i just need a job to get my out of the house and meeting some new people. Hopefully Snowbasin will call and i can get a job making snow. The hours suck ass but who really cares i dont haveind anything going for me.

It hit me like a ton rocks today for some reason. I dont really know why but I realise that i am ok with it. I dont know how long I will be able to go like this in this situation but trying never hurt. Three years of a life gone but not ever wasted. I feel like this is an opportunity to start over start fresh. Its sad it really is and I will be broken for a while but I need fixing anyway. If you love something let it go and.....I wish it didnt have to be so hard to take.

I dont miss it really at all. This is the way its supposed to happen. I wish i had some friends or even a job would be fair. I am just so bored of sitting home doing nothing. I will always care for you deeply and you alwyas have apart of my heart till the day i die.

thats dumb. culinary school anyone? i cant fucking wait. 4.0 GPA is the goal and anything less will be a disappointment for me. my job might not let me wear an all black chef coat and an all white chef coat. WTF? they just dont know the kitchen style i guess whatev. i am going to have a hard time leaving utah to go to oregon for culinary school but damn it is going to be a nice change for sure. cooking has consumed my thoughts, my actions, and my everything. if they would let me stay at work all day i would. i just eat up all the kitchen time i can get. oh yeah and man-o the book is seriously awesome. one step closer to my dream library.

she thinks i hate it here and just wont say it but i really dont hate it at all. we left an extremly good thing that we both took for granted. sure it was expensive to live but we could live the dog again and we could have a social life. now that i look back on it i really did like it and had no reason to leave at all. we had good friends, i had a job that could have taken me somewhere in life but we had to leave for the chance to do the same in another place which is fine i guess. maybe one day you will see it the way i do but if not i guess oh well.

well i did it again and i have no real rhyme or reason except i was bored. what i said what wrong and know that with every thing that i have. i dont know why i do things or even why i live anymore. i have lost the trust of my best friend and the one i love with all of my heart. im not doing at very good job at showing that she is my everything and frankly i am a terrible boyfriend. i accept whatever comes of this situation and most definalty deserve whatever comes to me because of it. i hope that she will forgive me one day and maybe one day i can forgive myself for it. everytime she cries i feel like i just want to vomit. as i sit here writing this i cry in a public place and feel so sick to my stomach that i wish i was dead. i hope one day this will be ok and that we can both live out our dreams together and not separate. i hope it can be all ok. i love you

i work a lot but that is the only way get the money that i need. work is harder than people think and i wish i would get some respect for that but i dont and i have to accept that. i am tired and usually iriatated when i get home but other people cause it and there is nothing i can do about except shut my mouth and do my job which i think i am fairy good at myself. its just life dont take it to serious or else life will pass you by and before you know it you will be dead. live one day at a time whether they be good or bad. love and appreciate the people around you. they are there for you and care for you no matter what. my words of wisdom.

well i finally got a diary after many months of waiting and waiting for it to happen. but it finally happened and it is rather exciting i must say.