i ran out of money last week, so i can't go out and spend any money, i actually can't even turn my car on or i'll waste like $7,892 in gas to go just around the corner. so i am at home passing my time. myspaced for a while, photoshopped for a while, sitidaring now (yes, these are verbs!) and i think i am going to play games or something. besides the fact that i am sick i stil feel good today, not in a bad mood or anything. tata.

some days it's easy. i say don't do something and he stops. for some reason today it's very hard! if i had counted the number of times i have said that there isn't a pizza in the oven i'm sure i'd be in the thirties by now. usually when i ask him to sit back down from getting up thinking he had to get up to do something or go somewhere, he will sit back down and not get up for at least 30 minutes. earlier today it was like 1 minute and now, his butt barely touches the chair for 10 seconds when he shoots back up on his feet to "check on that pizza." i rarely get mad.i don't think ted could actually make me mad, but i am very close to it right now. plus that mom driving a van with two small children in the back swerved around my legally signaling car and stepped on it so that i wouldn't get in front of her on the off-ramp. she was way behind me before i even started signaling, but as soon as that blinker went off she gassed it. i mean i had to get back in my previous lane to avoid being hit by her, or causing her to hit the wall, which she almost did. i actually used my horn, and i NEVER do that. i could have been slightly injured sure, but she could have been killed, and killed the two little kids in the back. how fricken irresponsible is that??? i am mad at her, that she would drive that way with kids. i AM angry at that. but not at ted. it's not his fault. he just told me the pizza thing again. ug. oh well, i've been here for 10 hours already and i have 1/2 hour to go. i'm sure he is as sick of seeing me here as i am of the day. hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

i am in a really good mood today for some reason. most of my entries are me complaining about one thing or another. so i'll make this one less bitter. i get to cook dinner tonight. i love cooking. it makes me feel useful : ) jared and i went to an 80's club last night. we don't usually go clubbing, but it kinda cool. i love dancing, and i don't usually get to. i thoroughly enjoyed it. i really hope this good feeling lasts. maybe then i'll get some positive comments. heck, any comment would be nice... lol.

jackie's father got sick a while back, and it has rendered him incapable of taking care of himself. so whenever she has some important thing to do or just needs a break she pays me to watch him. it's easy so i can't complain, just becomes tedious is all. any way today's particular adventure for her is meeting the her boyfriend for the first time. ha, that sounds funny. they met online and have been communicating via email and such. he's in the army, and just got back into the untied states recently. so they are meeting today. i am happy for her. since her father's illness she has been doing whatever needs to be done to care for him. this included moving to washington to live with her sister before she turned 21, plus giving up her job and nearly going broke to pay for his house. any way if i refer to any of these things now you know what i am talking about. i love my jackie to tears.

i flew to new york last week to see "wicked" with jackie. it was a lot of fun, very brief though. man, i love that musical. i already want to see it again. i don't exactly have room for pictures here, but my myspace does, so if you have to see, look there. anyway the trip made me excited enought to tell my diary. so there.

oh, yes. jared and i are cute. we got each other chinchillas as early valentine's day presents. the top one is a little boy named amadeus. he is mine. the bottom is a little girl named leeloo. she is jared's. they are the softest things you have ever felt in your life, and they are friendly! beats the guinea pigs we were going to get, and cleaner and easier than hamsters, too! anyway, they have 2 babies ever season or so. if you're nice to me and in the southern california area maybe you'll get one. they're sweet. : )

my boss pretends not to hate, but the guy might as well have it written on his forehead. so i kinda quit on tuesday. i told my supervisor/boyfriend jared, and even though he doesn't want me working there anymore, he actually got upset. and is still upset "at the situation" or me... i feel bad that i let him down. i mean i have felt badly about a lot of things lately, but that kinda made me hit rock bottom. i guess it's only fair that he is treating me indifferently now. you know that way people talk when they think less of you, but then deny that they said it any way other than normally, and make you feel crazy like you are reading too far into things? yeah, i hate it. i know we love each other. that's not the problem at all. and i know we can work through this. but i just wish i could fast forward to the good times again and not have to fight and say means things to each other before we get there. i am such a bitch now, and i am so sorry that i am. not like pms bitchy. i am downright hurtfull. and i really don't want to be. i know it's all in my mind, i have to really tell myself to see fights as productive, but all the yelling and frustration upsets me. it's a psychological thing i guess. psychology. ppffff. i took 4 years of it, and for what? i understand why i do the crazy ass things i do a little better. great. even worse, when i say i understand wy someone else is reacting the way they do to something they get pissed like i am saying i'm better than they. i'm not. i just understand that classical conditioning is the strongest thing that determines reactions. my problem too. i'm right next to you fighting too.

this weekend jared and i are going with our boss and a couple of other co-workers. i promised him i would look happy about everything, even things that make me sad. so this whole weekend will be a painted smile. it's ok though, he wont know. besides i am more than happy to be spending it with him instead of by ourselves like last weekend. i went to washington state and he went to san francisco. say, i think i have a picture of last weekend. that's me on the left and my good friend jackie on the right. we died in the hallway of my hotel, haha. it was like 1 in the morning and my key-card didn't work all of a sudden, so we waited so long we just died. by the way if you're looking at her face and thinking "wow, she looks great there..." don't worry, you're right. she is the absolute most gorgeous human being on the face of this planet, but as you might expect she doesn't think so. shame. but i think she truly believes that i think so, that's good enough. i'm plain, i know. but i'm ok with it. jared still makes me feel beautiful sometimes. he makes me smile, and he seems to like it when i smile. (smile)

it sure has been a while. i actually forgot my password, silly me. but i'm back now. jared and i still heart each other. i work at wolf now, but i hate it so while i have time to shop around i am going to look for something for which i have a passion. well, that and school. just last week i was in the state of washington, inside which lies my favorite city in the world: seattle. (heart) visited my jackie, she is still so lovely, yet so sad... poor jackie. my parents and i are getting along now, i think that is entirely due to jared being present everytime i see them for two reasons: first, i haven't been with someone worth presenting to them or worth gaining their approval of before, and second, they won't try shit around him! ah i love him. i want so badly to return to school it hurts! i really need a car. i have to give up my hippy-ish ways and buy one... : ( like the day i had to give up my anti-cellphone beliefs and buy one. hurts my pride ok... well, since i noticed that i have spoken about my health before i might as well again: i have no clue what the hell is wrong with me. i have been getting cat scan after cat scan after sonogram after blood test after urine test and they can't find out where the chronic pain is coming from. they told me "some women just live with pain for the rest of their lives" then gave me an unlimited supply of vicodin. bleh... so i might as well have a baby or something, shit. not like i'll feel any different... aye me. i said i was going to update but all i have done is complain. oh well, no one actually reads this.

yesterday, june sixth. we went to knott's berry farm and i did everything there is to do in the park. everything! this is amazing for me, trust me. jared you are so awesome and you have changed me so much, for the better, of course. : ) -lydia

incessantly... tear. oh and i moved again, but this time for good. Fanime con was sooooooo fun, and i can't wait until AX, woot! ok, so i'm back. yadda yadda. Funny convo: me: does it ever go down? him: it goes down. me: when? him: when you're not around. lol. -lydia

May 23rd, 2005 :) (the day we went to six flags and finally, FINALLY broke my fear of riding rollercoasters) goood day...

that's right. from thursday the 26th of may 2005 until wednesday the 31st of may 2005 i will be in the san francisco area. good fuckin' times. so i will not be able to get online unless by some odd miracle i find a friend there with a laptop, : D -lydia

i am still alive. don't worry. tomorrow is a very dreaded day, though. not sure if i'll survive it. lots of danger headed my way. not to mention another stupid surgery. if it doesn't kill me it should make me stronger, right? Right? ok, then. i'll see you when i'm stronger. -strong and growing, lydia

drama sucks. i moved to get away from someone. i hope i don't end up fleeing from my entire llife. it seems to be going that way so far. someday i'll find my little nitch. settle down. have a family. oh, whatever. i am always gunna be somewhere i suppose. -the very mobile lydia

Kiss: v. kissed, kiss·ing, kiss·es v. tr. 1. To touch or caress with the lips as an expression of affection, greeting, respect, or amorousness. 2. To engage in mutual touching or caressing with the lips. To me a kiss means so much more than that. couples that kiss all the time in public are so seemingly in love, whether they really are or not. people that kiss often but in secrecy (like twelve-year-olds) are just precious, in every way. people that make out all the time are gross. well, making out is kinda gross, every way you look at it. my personal favorite type of kisses are those which are short and sweet, yet very very meaningful. it had been a very long time since last i kissed some one. like i said, they mean something to me. -kisses, lydia

i am just beginning to catch on to the fact that everyone i knew in high school hates me. kinda sucks. and makes me feel stupid. by the way they found my mom. she's in St.Something, Arizona, or so my bro told me. can't wait until star wars premier, (we've got the ticks right jared? eheh) one of my fish died the other day, made me kinda sad. also made me want to get 3 more fish. i am going on a vitamin water diet. i went to my friend's friend's house last night. they made me take a xanax for the second time in my life. that was sorta stupid cause i don't remember anything from that first night either. needless to say i don't really remember much from last night. i came home with a poster i've been wanting since forever (you know the one with two girls kissing in their underwear) and a $500.00 japanese dress that my friend was going to give to goodwill, (i have no idea why). it's really pretty. to bad i'm not the dress wearing type. i am going to bed now. -lydia of the night

ignorance is bliss, indeed. i should have kept my curiousity to myself. but now i know and it makes me hurt even more. all my friends are sad, too. breakups. deaths. getting kicked out. why does all this drama happen at once? like the moon alligns itself to a certain point then the whole world gets all fucocked. i get stressed that i can't help others out. i know it isn't my problem, i know i shouldn't worry about it, but do you ever listen to people when they give you dumb advice or grim predictions? no. so don't give me any, please. sorry. i don't mean to be so rude. just tired i guess. by the way, third entry in here. it's almost like a third date: getting serious... -lydia

it's mother's day. i called my parents house. no answer. i called my mom's cell. no answer. i hesitated. i called my dad's cell. answer. i wished my grandmother a happy mother's day. she said thanks. my dad didn't know where my mom is. i called my brother. no answer. i called their house again and left a message wishing my mother and her mother a happy's mother's day. my brother called back. he said that she had left and he doesn't know where she is. ok. if you have the ability to wish your own mother a happy mother's day (or if that isn't the custom wherever you're from, then just say "i love you" or something), please do. for me. -lydia

i should probably tell you more about me. since you probably don't know me. in fact only one person on here does. physically: i am 5 feet tall. 111 lbs. my hair is green. my eyes are black. my skin is yellow. my features are mostly round, as in not pointy. i am nineteen years old. mentally: most people who know me say i'm smart. i really love to make and appreciate art. i have an artistic mind, and an avid imagination. provebially: i love everyone. i have only harbored feelings of hatred towards two people for 1 day. they deserved it. i would never intentionally hurt anyone. i think it's wrong to do so. it makes me so happy when i have made someone else happy. i live off of it. i like being able to know the same things other people are intersted in as well. i think's it's even cooler when someone teaches me something that i didn't already know. i absolutely love intellect. it gets me off. (really.) i have a lot of empathy for people, but that doesn't mean i feel sorry for them. i try to help as best i can. my fears: they contradict themselves, yes. but it makes sense to me. i am afraid of people getting attached to me and feeling like they have to own me and keep me around always. at the same time i am afraid that the people who knew me as a young and cheery person will not be there when i am dying. that it will be up to me to remember myself. i am also afraid of ants and bacteria. my job: is stupid, but they give me this little paper that makes the bank give me money, it's cool! it's blockbuster video. movies... smile... they make me happy. by the ways: i like to get high... on life! (draw you're own conclusions...) i am going blind, so i hardly judge on looks. no point in it. and guys and girls can look exactly the same sometimes. some are beautiful, and some are hideous. after talking to someone even once i can usually tell which they are. i have no preferrence between the sexes. i would have missed out on a world of beautiful people if i had. i absolutely love animals. i have a male pekengese named pocket who is my mascot. my favorite animal is a pygmy goat, they're cute little buggers... i am addicted to a substance called boba. i am a nerd, and i love other nerds! the sunset can change my entire day, and make me break free. the sunrise is my call back to my cave. the sun does aweful things to me. water is my element. i work well in it. if you have gotten this far reading this, then you are awesome. i heart you. -lydia