So im sure everybody's been in that relationship where your husband, wife boyfriend girlfriend have a habit or something about htem that you cant stand and you try to talk to them about it but they just dont change so you try and overlook it sometimes you can sometimes you cant but for those of us who cant and no matter how many times you try to talk to them it just never seems to get through or perhaps its does but it doesnt last long thats me. I try to overlook my fiancee's thing he has with porn and thus far its not working. i would prefer him to just not to. And ino matter how hard i try to talk to him it just doesnt seem to work. When i threatned to break up with him it worked but only for a little while. And for those of you out there who doesnt think its a big deal over porn im just telling you its not your average man and porn its bigger than that. It gets in the way of my relationship with him and how i feel about him and just my feelings in general. Its hard to be at my happiest with this thing going on and hard to be happy with him. It really hurts me and my feelings and he cant go one day without it. And because he knows how i feel about it it seems he'll get online extra early while im still asleep or wont get out of bed yet to look at it and when i walk in the room he closes everything down in such a hurry it looks extra suspicious. Or when im sround him while hes online he dares not go into them but i know he does. or when he wants to go into a porn site he'll look at me before he does and he looks like hes praying that i wont kill him or looks at me to make sure im not upset..but news-flash i am upset at you. anyway gotta go for now leave some love.

So the other day my boyfriend proposed to me and i of course said HELL YEAH!!!! WOOT./ yes folks i am getting married to the love of my life and i couldnt be more happy. It just feels like for the first time everything is falling into place the way they should be. And juist do everyone knows the ring looks amazing on my cute little finger. LOL. but in all honesty the ring looks beautiful and im so excited to walk down the eisle. i also need your help guys maybe about some ideas or websites i can take a look at to help me prepare for my big day. feel free to leave some useful comments please remeber to be nice and respectful and please no spam.

Its hard to watch a friend you care about so much spiral down so quickly. I'm trying so hard to help and i hope that he'll accept it. I love him so much. He sees that so much and he wants to get out but he feels that hes gone down so far that he cant get out. I dont want anything to happen to him because i probably couldn't deal with that. I have high hopes for him and i will help him even if my life fails for it. nothing not even god himself will stop me if it means he'll be okay. I will sell my soul for him. I just need him to understand that there is a way out. He doesnt deserve what he has been going through and he shouldnt have to deal with it. He ;s such a good person.

So recently i've been re-evaluating my life and normally i feel like super woman. I normally can take on the world but not recently. I can't seem to take control of things. I feel like i have too much, too fast and too little time. I had broke up with the crazy ex-boyfriend of mine who was not only that but so fucking abusive it's scary. I don't know why the hell they released him from jail the day i put him there. But I digress. He had some very valuable property of mine, but throughthe mess of leaving him and wanting to leave so badly i forgot about it for a breif moment and i regret that to this day. I actually have to file a small claims court case to get it back from him. He kept fucking with me claiming he'd give it back and then would be rude and pretty much just give me a big fuck you. I realize now the game he is playing at. That piece of property is the only thing that keeps me talking to him and he knows it. So now im finally taking the control i should have when I didn't have the power to stand up to him. I will not be ignored and i will not be toyed with by a child who thinks he is a man. I will lay everything out on the table so not only will i get back what is rightfully mine but i will also have the closure i never got so i can finally be freed of the negativity that clouds me. I also need to look for college. Somewhere not so expensive. I want my Phd in Forensic/mortuary science. But lets cut through the old crap cake i know its going to be expensive just because of the degree i want but i want some place that'll be less expensive than normal. I need a job too because im slowly going morally bankrupt here. It's just not kosher to me. Even if its a part-time job, it's 20 hours i didnt have before. The reason i dont have a job is because i got fired from the one i had before as a tattoo artist. And this new job i want requires a driver's license which i also dont have and need to get soon before the position closes. It's the only job that'll pay me 10.25 an hour without a college education. and i really want it. However the job i do want might not happen because my boyfriend wants me to move in with him. In Massachusetts. I live in Connecticut. Not a far travel about an hour and 20 minutes but there is nothing binding me to connecticut because i dont go to school i dont have a job.. but he has things binding him to Massachusetts so im willing to move. but i need some money. I fi can get a job here there might not be a problem. I also need a vehicle to transport myself back and forth to work. Im in the process of that now but it definatley needs a little work on the manifold, drivers seat, and the odor that is in there. i think its mildew or something (lol). So in conclusion feeling a little overwhelmed and tired but i gotta do it. because i dont want my life in shambles.

So in my lovely world all seems to be well. I got a little down yesterday but idk why. It's just my depression kicking in i suppose. BTW Happy St.Patty's Day to everyone and not to mention i am shit-faced right now. Lot's of Vodka and orange juice. My second therapy appt. is this thursday. I guess im going to be seeing my doctor every thursday for now on and i think that's cool. I need all the help i can get right? I also just died in World Of Warcraft and therefore i'm not playing it for the rest of the night. I also just realized how much i love my boyfriend and he means everything to me. I don't know if i can handle someone meaning that muc to me though. It's a scary thought really. I can see myself doing so much with him which includes kinda a life with him. I hate the thought of that cuz i would hate the thought of losing him. I would be so crushed and so upset i wouldnt even know how to handle it. I'm sure i wouldeventually move on but i know i would be a reck if he ever broke my heart. I was just thinking maybe i should be a typist because i type pretty damn fast without really thinking about it. I wrote this much thusfar in like 5 minutes not even. But i guess whatever temp job i get is cool thatas only until i get my degree in Forensic Science. OOOO i cqan't wait to go to college. Im really excited about that being my course. And eventually im going to have my own apt. asnd its going to THE MOST badass apt ever. Im really excited about what the future holds for me and also really afraid because i dont know whats going to happen but i've made plans for it hopefully the future can keep them.

So I finally decided to seek help for my issues. Okay i's a little more than issues but im getting the help i finally need. I had my first appointment yesterday and it went okay. I revealed things i would never ever reveal to anyone else. Most are shameful things i thought i would never say aloud. but i did. i feel a little better about things. Just being able to speak and be audible about the things that hurt me and how they have affected me my life and things alike. i cried probably more than i thought i ever could alot harder too. but to say those things also lifted some of the weight i have been carrying and it came without judgement, or ridicule. i thought i knew who i was but i really think that ive buried that half with all the shit that has burdened my life. Im not well but i hope to be.

Well for the past 2 days i've been passing kidney stones....yay fun!....and my kidneys feel like they have just been shanked and someone is twisting the knife. It fucking hurts to pee this is rediculous. Things with my boyfriend have been going swimmingly....i decided not to break up with him although i was close to it. But i think i like this desicion more. I think i'll be very happy with him. I really can't see myself with anyone else and i love him very much. He's the love of my life and i wouldn't have it any other way. i guess i've been doing ok. haven't really cried, (but now that i said that i probably will now) i've wanted to but it really gets me nowhere. It doesnt mske me feel better it only gets me sad and angrier and puts me to sleep quickly. thats about it.

I'm still having difficulties on what I should do about my current relationship. He is the guy that carries my bags,will buy flowers on a wednesday for no reason,makes me feel like no one else, comes up behind you to kiss you just because he passed you by,will randomly tell you he loves you, looks at you from across the room to study what your doing, feeling, wondering what your thinking, calls you beautiful not hot, is actually interested in your day and what you have to say about it. He's what i've always wanted and now am possibly thinking of breaking up with him just because of my stupid bullshit. he's the perfect guy for me and he is what i deserve. But i dont think he deserves what i've been putting him through. I think he deserves better than me. Better than a girl who crys everyday and crys at night just to sleep. My feelings always get in the way of everything including this becaus eim still suffering the repercussions of my past influences relationships and my father. I hate the fact that i cant give him 110% everyday like he gives me. he always has. I'm just so scared of not lasting with the person i am truly in love with. the one person I can actually see myself getting married to, having a family and a life with. It scares me because im afraid that he will turn out like the rest. That or i will ruin it because of the rest. I haven't really forgiven anyone for the wrong they have done to me to make my ife this way. I haven't truly forgiven my father and i havent truly forgiven my ex boyfriends and i think maybe once i can find peace with that i may find peace within myself. I haven't even forgiven myself for what i let them do to me. I fell into such a bad pattern that i allowed myself to take whatever took to feel love from anyone even if it jeopordized my well being. Then i closed off and sealed myself from everyone. thats not the person i was and thats not the person i want to be anymore. I want to be like i was before the thoughts of my father were to set in before all the abuse....i was bright, funny, happy, i felt beautiful, and i actually felt alive. I dont even feel like im living anymore just doing what it has to take to get me through the day. I go to bed angry, sad and alone and wake up that way. there is so much love i have to offer and so much love people are offering me i cant fully give my love and i know that i cant accept the love given to me because im not giving it back the way i know i could. I know i can love my boyfriend better than i am now as well as my friends and family. But it's so hard to open up. everytime i try it makes me sick to my stomach. I just want to understand and connect with myself on a better level.

I am so unhappy with myself that i even contemplated and told my boyfriend i wanted to break up. I just can't take the fact that im probably sucking the life and fun right out of him because he constantly has to worry about me and how im feeling i cant live like that. I also cant live with the fact that i am so fucked-up feeling on the inside. Or the fact that i have to cry to get through the day and cry just to get to sleep at night. I cant even enjoy the fact that i am now succeeding in life the way i always wanted to. I am just too fucked to even do anything anymore. It's so painful, and i dont know what the hell i did in life to make me suffer this bad. I don't know what anyone could do so bad in life to suffer like this. Death on my behalf would seem better than living like this. It's so self -destructing and it slowly kills me to have to live like this everyday.

So I've been thinking.....a little way to much i might add. especially about my last relationship. It was extremely traumatizing. I've been trying to get over all the emotional, verbal, and most of all the physical abuse. It's really hard and i still think about it each day. I hate that i do but i can't help it. it's not because i care about him or anything but it's more of the fact that i feel sometimes i may be possibly setting myself up fo failure on my new relationship. I love my boyfriend very much and he is by far the best one i ever had. I would love to talk to him more about what im feeling most days and why i cry all the time on most. I feel like im letting all my past abusers get in my way of my relationship with him. Most of my boyfriends were no good at all but he is different. so i want to make it different. It's even harder sometimes because i also grew up with an abusive father. Who beat my siblings as well as my mother. I hate the fact that she doesn't know i remember most of it. Including the fact that i remember the day tht he tried to kill me when i was about 2 or 3. that i remember the sexual abuse as well. She saved my life on both occasions and i will always love her for that because it could've cost her her own life.She wasn't too aware on the sexual abuse and in some ways im thankful for that because i know that would be an ultimate hurt for her. I can't help on reflecting on those things because not only do i think way too much into it like could've, should've, and would've's but didn't, but i also dont handle things like this very well. So i think by not handling things i let it destroy the very person i know i could be. I let myself fall into a pattern of abuse when it came to my personal life..like not letting people in..forging smiles and laughter when needed and letting myself fall back in my depressive state when i don't have to put on a facade for others. I've been doing it so long it's like clockwork. I feel fake and like a liar to myself as well as others but i need to do that to get through the day. I cry at least 6 out of 7 days of the week more than once when no one is around and i question myself ..question others and why i feel that the very core of me is rotting away and feels so useless. Because i really know what kind of person i am who i know i can truly be but i never let that side show because my guards are always up. And i know (it has always happened) when i let them down people take advantage of that vulnerability and hurt me to my fullest. now that i have a good thing going and i know nothings going to happen they are up at full staff. I want to put my guards down so bad because i dont blame him if he felt useless to me or hurt that i wont let him in. He said he wouldnt leave me and is willing to put up with me whatever it takes but everyone has a breaking point.

So I thought about my last diary entry and i figure I'll just have to deal. There is nothing else i could do but deal. I wish i didnt but i do. I've come to the realization that everyone has to deal with something at one time or another even if you tried everything else. I may not like it but I can truly say there is nothing else i can do.