wow, i'd completely forgotten about this. so it's been over a year, i'm still living in the same town as my married ex-boyfriend...but it's a big place and i haven't seen him since i sought him out a year ago. I've made several friends; somehow it's always easier to make friends when you're new than when you've been somewhere for a while and all your old friends have gone away. I was talking to one of my friends recently about the saxophone guy at church who i still have a crush on. She mocked me for calling it a crush. "Didn't we stop having 'crushes' in 9th grade?" she said. "I prefer to call them 'hot flashes.'" I asked her why, and she said, "Because whenever an attractive guy walks by, it's like a flash of hotness. aka a hot flash." I don't know if that works for my case because it's a hot flash that has lasted a year now? i think we call that a heat stroke. I don't know. Anyway, that's basically all that's happened. my life is boring. I like it here, though, it's exciting and i like my friends a lot. I like the people I work with, too, which is new. Company parties are actually enjoyable now. It's way past my bedtime, though. Til next time.

it's 6:59 pm right now. It's dusk. Well moving was hard work, but I made it. I have a job, it sucks but it does it's duty, I can pay for cable internet and electricity, rent, etc. the ex boyfriend person is definitely not who i thought he was; he is married and his wife is beautiful. So um i must have something for saxists, because there is a guy at the church I've attended the last few sundays, and he's such a hottie. He plays the tenor sax, and he is a nerd. He gave me a hug the other day and I think he has romantic feelings or something for me, because his hug was that fraction of a second too long, and instead of patting my back like a friend hug or something, he rubbed my shoulder, and kept his hand on my back when the hug broke. i suck at life, i pay too much attention to these things. i'm just excited that someone out there might find me attractive.

It's now 9:14 p.m. the weather outside is dark. it is hard work, this moving business.

It is now 12:28 p.m. The weather is sunny. CANADAAAAAAAAA so this friend i've had since i was 5... she moved to France. i kid you not. Either i will never see her again, or it will be an excuse to go to france. she never had time for me when we were growing up. I always felt like the friend from childhood, not the one you hung out with, but just the one that is always there if you need her. as a last resort. that's all i ever was/will be. a last resort. "damn. it's my 32nd birthday and i'm not married. hey, you're 30, and unmarried. i guess you'll do. wanna get married?" woohoo fake love. maybe i should move to where my ex lives, because i may or may not still be in love with him. i mean, it's not like living here is fulfilling. that does it. i'm going to look for jobs in his area, get some money, pack up, and leave. i don't care if he's already married or has a long term girlfriend..i need a change.

it's now 9:43 a.m. the weather is sunny, but cold. All i really want right now is to shoot myself in the face. Really. I have no friends, my job sucks, and i am failing most of my classes. my life is pointless. I'm 21 for God's Sake, this is the time I'm supposed to have fun, get my groove on, travel, get married, i don't know. have some meaningful fulfillment. i decided to go on a trip to canada. I don't know where in Canada. but i'm going.

It is now 9:20 a.m. The weather is foggy, and grey. they tell me my choice is to stay and all the while i just waited to smile for an understanding soul with eyes as black as coal who would take my hand and lead me to a land i'd never heard of before where there'd be pain no more. i hate being here

It is now 8:03 a.m. The weather is partially cloudy. Work is getting really crap. and I'm staying up too late. I saw a play last night with a boy from school who asked me out. He is attractive and nice. Maybe there will be a second date. he's not attractive like mr. saxophone but i suppose mr. saxophone can be one of those men reserved for fantasizing about. I really hope mr. saxophone is not 17.

it is now 10:27 p.m. The weather was cloudy all day. I don't know what kind of person I want to be. I definitely don't want to be the 12-year-old-21-year-old who's always thinking about a new crush. so forget you, mr. saxophone. i'm turning over a new leaf. orange as it may be.

It is now 9:36 p.m. the weather is dark. I have a crush on a boy at church. he's 21 too. I hate this feeling that i'm 12 again. that was 9 years ago. gah. I keep wanting to make someone ask him if he likes me too. next sunday what is this? Autumn's burnt-out-relationships diary? I'm sure that i'll think it's hilarious when im 43.

It is now 9:34 p.m. My ex best friend got married. I remember how mad I got at her when she started dating her now-husband 9 months ago. I didn't like him. Or maybe i didn't like that i was single and had no one to ogle boys with on the subway. Anyway. I really miss her.

it is now 10:42 p.m. I was buying bread and milk and eggs at the grocery store (the most typical of shopping lists. though i think a package of oreos jumped into my basket). that sax player was there. i saw him in the cereal aisle. he was looking at oatmeal. i um walked by him. i totally felt like I was in 9th grade again. Silly little crushes. I said, "hi i see you playing the sax sometimes" and he smiled at me. In a kind of freaked-out "are you stalking me?" kind of way. aaah...

It is now 7:05 p.m. So i thought it was really funny that beauty is unnatural. Pink eyes and fake eyelashes. plastic nails and silicone boobs. Steroidal muscle. it's all so pretend! Yay pretend beauty! If I had a camera, i'd take pictures of it. I'm glad I'm ugly if that's beauty, because I don't want the plastic loving me. Hehe, I'm acting 13 again. I got stoned last night with Maria. I didn't like it.maybe it's different for me than it is for everyone else but i thought it was really overrated.

It's now 1:56 p.m. for weeks all I've done is go to funerals.

It's 11:12 p.m. here. I may or may not be head-over-heels in like with the young saxist at the jazz bar. He plays on Friday nights. He probably has a girlfriend already, or is too wrapped up in his music to care about girls. Or boys. You never know. He also might still be like...17. That doesn't stop me from going to every show he plays and staring at him all night, though. I wish I was talented.

It is 7:12 pm here. It might be cliché but i really like to watch people. My vantage point of choice is standing in a line in a public place. In grocery store check-out lines, I like to watch parents patiently putting up with their young children whining for candy...or their older children looking surly, wishing to be anywhere but with Mom. Coffee house lines are some of my favourites. I like to look at the kids being all hip and chill, most of them are my age...and so I know that they're only pretending to know what's going on. They know what kind of coffee they want, but have no idea what they're going to do with their lives once college is over. I also enjoy standing in lines at movie theatres, listening to which movies people are going to get tickets for. Their faces beaming when they get their ticket, or falling when they find that the movie is sold out. Or large groups of young teenage girls gaggling around wondering which movie they should spend their parents' cash on. maybe some people like to sit on park benches. I just like to stand in line.

It's 5:10 p.m. here. I don't have a boyfriend, now. I've had relationships before, but they always fall apart. I guess that happens to everyone. But knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less. When i was 18, in my last few months of high school, I met this guy who i thought would marry me and we'd have two beautiful children and live in a cute house in modern suburbia. Stuff fell apart after about a year. We were going in different directions. I didn't want to go to college until I could work for a year or two and get enough money to put myself through, and he wanted to go to an out of state college. He got a scholarship and he wanted me to come with him. We broke up. We argued about it all the time, and that led to arguments about other things, and finally we just ended our relationship. Maybe I should have followed him, but I don't want to follow anyone anywhere. I still miss him though. Last I heard, he's engaged to a girl he met. She's a philosophy major. Would you like fries with that? I'm kind of bitter. So to cope with this, I pretend the whole world is secretly madly in love with me. They're all just afraid to say so because I'm practically a Goddess to them. But really I am just not desirable.

it's 7:51 p.m. here. I like to look at bridal magazines at book stores. I enjoy making fun of the trendy dresses but secretly i wish I was rich enough to afford one. I wish I had someone to marry.