the 17th of march.. if you knew me you wouldn't ask. for those of you who don't. i don't know why your reading my diary but hey.. its my dad's aniversary. when i have a bad day it's hard to see how i'v almost gone 14 years without him. when i have a good day im proud that i have..although it would have been alot easier if he'd been here. everyone says.its okay.its fair enough to grief.n to take my time.im taking my whole life. just times like right now it hurts more i have to think im better than last year.i really do hope. i thought i was doing quite alot better.but a few things that have happend.made me realise i relly am on the edge.. its like emotions are a tap..sometimes it all comes out to much..over emotional waaaay over emotional..and then like yesterday and today.. theres no emotional at all except this wierd withdrawn feeling and numbness the start of this week i felt.i mean i realy realy felt it.i think a few people saw the change.. when i looked in the mirror i could see it in my eyes..this wierd pain.. n i could feel it to. i hurt for my dad. i missed him so much. i was worried bot trials..but thats one less thing to worry about seeing as im guranteed in without trialing...n a mate made me feel like i was losing it all.like my priorities were all rong..like i shud b guilty for somthing im sure i havnt done.. and brian.god. he topped it for me on a cuple of nights. those nights were u cry to sleep n the nxt day ur just out of it.. ever since then im numb..wen ailis gave me that letter im still numb..i no i shud say something rite something to her but i cant. thers no feeling for it..i dnt no wat i want.n i just i cant b bothered.i dnt wana b upset over it. my dad.its just this lump in my throat.and brian.it feels numb.. weve finally stopeed this fighting coz were both so hurt.all the questions are just sitting thea and i cant b bothered asking wen i no im not gna get the answer.its numb.im all numb all over.. n im lettn go coz i cant anymore.not this week im just so glad wen i go to school i can hold on to luke..he wants to no and i no he doesnt understnd.but even tho hes not pushing it hard he just holds me and pretends he knows.i love him for that. next friday will interesting to see how he deals.i dnt no if il b at skool.n i dnt no if id want to b at home.i dnt want to think about it but saying that makes my brian want to think about it more. it goes from hurt.to numb.to hurt to numb. n im glad its numb right now. i rely am. so this weeks had "okay" days.life balances itself out.and its never that bad. *try smile*