www.sitdiary.net/zzz

dying.	June 11, 2008
here, this is it. my dad is sick. i haven't felt anything in regards to that at all. i see now that i didn't let myself. now that i'm four hundred something miles away from him i can't get this knot out of my throat and my eyes are burning. ring ring ring no.. more like.. buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz every time, no matter who sees or who is on the other end, or how much i "love" them, i let it go until it lays still. the blankets are ruffled in some places and flattened in others. the room is stagnant. i shuffle my mail with my left - weak - hand over the scuffed floor. there's a postcard from somebody i can't even picture anymore, it's been so long. with regards from him and his new fiancee. yeah fucking right. i don't smile for you anymore. i've never given you the right to take offense to anything i say. who the fuck are you, claiming me? i am not really sure how i feel about you anymore. i'd like to kiss you, just to see. you'll let me, if i try, but what if i was mistaken? will you let me forget it? oh, and seriously. fair enough.
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February 10, 2008

Klein Sexual Orientation GridI scored an average of 3.05

Heterosexual

Bisexual

Homosexual

MeaningThis result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale:
0 = exclusively heterosexual1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more
than incidentally homosexual3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally
heterosexual5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual6 = exclusively homosexualSummary
The idea of this excercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "heterosexual", and "bisexual" need not be the only three options available to us.Take the quiz

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fifty-two	January 13, 2008
Feeling: aloof since i'm feeling a little crazy i'm going to write (type) the things i've been thinking about. this is for my own clarity. so many of you have this selfish way about you. you're teenagers (or at least behave like teenagers) so i understand. but i don't think it gives some of you the excuse to be total assholes to the people around you. by that i mean to me. so, you have been bothering me. you could have said something, you know. you didn't have to pretend i wasn't there. i'm not going to mess with your life anymore. you could be my friend, or at least have the decency to tell me why you are being this way now. you know, i don't even like you. you're not the kind of person i thought you were and you are certainly more pretentious than i thought. next time you make a move like that, make sure you want it first. don't hug me like that anymore, stop gabbing about your bullshit problems and do something about them, stop being impulsive, it's not working out. get over her. she doesn't want you! stop fucking with me. don't just call me when you need something. sorry i didn't let you hold my hand. i just don't want to go there. i'm afraid you're feeling something i'm not. so, stop, okay? i wish it were that easy. i called you. . around. . ten times. it wasn't urgent or anything, but i felt a little weird that you're not calling me back and you were the one to call me first, so i kept calling. agh. hey, you're balding. and your hairline is receding. did you notice? i did, despite the comb over. i think that officially makes you uncool and maybe you should just go to college instead. . . just a thought. and stop asking me to be with you. we both know that would be a disaster. i feel like i should report you, because you could be using your manipulation on others. i have some evidence that you are, you know! i'm going to keep an eye on you... so to speak. i'm not going to write any of my thoughts about you in this blog. you'd know right away, because you know things like that. so.. i'll find the mattress for next time, okay? i'm actually pretty good at the things you make fun of me for, you jerk. i know it's your job to be a jerk to be and all, but listen. i'm sensitive and take everything you say very seriously, so lighten up! the other night, i read my birthday cards from march 9, 2006. + toree made me two cards. both equally touching. she used the wrong your, twice. i thought it was beautiful. her friendship was beautiful while it lasted. + jordan wrote me a long note using a metallic purple gel pen. she didn't know about my birthday until that day, but she came through anyway. + damion gave me a cherry card adorned with kathleen hanna in her sexy scarf and his messy handwriting. he loves me bunches and bunches and bunches. + john gave me an orange heart with the temptations inside. i was tough and a hero. it's been folded inside a journal for nearly two years now. + joanna drew me a picture, which i later wrote all over to remember my disappointment. not in the drawing, of course. in my dream this morning, we were by my door again and i asked you what was wrong. i freaked out a little bit, and you pushed me against the wall and held me there by my arms. it hurt, and you were yelling. it frightened me but i was afraid to let you go angry because i knew that you would stay that way. i was supposed to get new strings on my guitar, like, a birthday ago! i have had three people promise me new guitar strings over the past year, but not one of them have helped me out. i played without the bottom string yesterday. conclusively, my song was missing a note, and because the strings won't stay tuned, every chord was wrong. my hiccups went away without your help, thank you very much. i found your note about morrison the other day. but i won't post it on here. what do you think things would be like now if we were together back then? i like to think that they would have been perfect. but most likely not because we were young. i spent a very long time trying to think of ways to get on good terms with you. i don't want to be your friend. i really don't. get out of my mind. sometimes i imagine you eating my leg. please, please don't do it! i will need it, without a doubt. your reasoning is dumb. why would anyone in their right mind choose unhappiness? willingly, even! i'm not selfish for trying to do something with my life, you are just settling for a shit job, no education, and a not even remotely charming boyfriend. hey, that's your deal. not mine. stop making me feel like a bad person. i'm sorry i've kept your shirt for so long. i would give it back if we had a chance to hang out! it takes one to know one, right?
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fifty-one	December 8, 2007
Feeling: jiggy I really don't deserve a break from studying yet. I've only gotten through half of my first review sheet. I still have four more after this! I had weird dreams last night. Sometimes, if my dreams are really good, I try to make them come true. They usually don't turn out as great as they did the first time. Last night's were good. . . I think I'll leave it at that.
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