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i am done! |
April 21st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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so i am in love with this kid up here at school and the sad part is that i know i will never see him again! it makes me really sad and i hope that this summer will be good because i need something to get my mind off of him! oh well.....
bye jason i love you!!! |
| 178 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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why? |
March 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Why does it still have to hurt this bad! why i can't i just have the balls to get over this whole thing....
why did i have to fall in love.... |
| 60 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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oh boy! |
March 10th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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How do you know when you are in love?
What sort of things give that away to others?
and not olny others but what gives it away to you?
Is it possible to be in love with someone who won't give you the time of day?
How can a person live with the feelings that he/she has to keep locked inside?
Why is it that when the guy og your dreams comes along he really isn't the one for you?
Is there really a man out there for me to love and be loved by him...who is exactlly what i want my husband to be?
LOVE STINKS!!!!!!!!!! yeah yeah... |
| 62 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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Why doesn't he care? |
March 6th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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So i really don't understand why some people just don't care. What is it that causes a person to throw away his/her life? There has to be a reason....and yet he won't open up and share it with me! He says he still loves me and yet when i ask for a simple explination he won't share! I really do care about him and love him still...and it makes me so sad to see him throw away his life like this and there is nothing i can do to fix it or even help!!! I can't even begin to express the hurt and anger (mostly just hurt) i feel inside over this! Can't he see that i love him and that he is someone who is so special to me!!!
Can't you see it!!! I love you!! and i don't want you to throw away your life like this! Please won't you let me in to help you? PLEASE!!! i am begging here...please....
Let me help you...i want to see you succeed in life...please i care to much about you to just forget about it and move on like every one is telling me to do. You are a part of me weather you like it or not! i care about you....please. |
| 69 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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my two bits.... |
February 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Hello everyone! first off WOW! there has been so much crap that has been going around this past couple of days i really can only imagine what all of you SV band kids are thinking! I want to tell you though how proud not me but all the other former Sv band kids up here at BYU-I are of you!!!! you guys are so amzing! when you were down and hit the worst you still decided that you weren't going to let this get you down! just in case none of you have read emilys diary i want you to read this part of it because it is so true and it is the only way that you will be able to make it together......"We'll make it though. Seriously, anyone thinking of quitting band just cause we lost our director is being ridiculous. He was a huge part of the band, and he is what brought us to the top, but he wasn't the band. We are the band, and he told us that we could go on without him. It will take a lot of work, but we can do it. We are the band, and we can take it far. We can do this. Let's move on." Emily is so right! you are the band and as much as you are hurting and whatever else i can only imagine you are feeling you need to remember that you guys are the band. Mr. Bedont was just the crazy man waving his arms around...you are the band! I can tell right now that you guys are special. You are in the works of overcoming the one of the greatest obsticals in not only band but life in general. Having to let go and move on is a very hard but important part of life. The bast and only thing that you can do is to don't ever EVER forget what he taught you! Mr. Bedont was a great teacher and a great man, no matter what anyone else thinks! I know this to be true for myself! i watched him take a program and bring it back to life! he had an amzing way of teaching us to love the music! never once did he stettle for just "playing notes on a page", he taught me and i know he taught you how to play music! Don't ever forget that! Music is a very important part of life, even if you don't go on to be a music major in college, because of his influence you will never look at music the same way again. At least i know that i haven't...it will be hard, but you guys need to be strong and don't ever let go of what you have as not only band members but as friends and family! I know that if you help eachother to remember the good times and not to dwell on the bad you may end up having one of the best years/seasons of your life! you can do it and I (and all of us up here) have faith in you to do it!!! I am praying for you and i love all of you so much!
Love,
Leza Maria Farmer |
| 80 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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here we go again!!!! |
January 17th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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So hello, just in case you haven't heard already i was in a car accident this weekend. I am somewhat okay. my back started to hurt last night and hasn't stopped but i think i will be okay. i have a cute no so little bruise across my lap from my seatbelt but other than that I am okay. I was out with my friends and i was in the car with a guy named clayton. His friend Spence was driving the car that we hit. In that car was my two roomates Emily and Anya, and then our friend Beckah. Clayton and i rearended them going at least 40 mph. It did hurt to say the least. We ended up taking Emily to the ER because that was the thrid major thing she had done to screw up her back in a week and a half. Everyone is for the most part fine now.
I did something else fairly stupid this weekend too. I dyed my hair! It didn't really work and if you saw me you most likely wouldn't notice. It just made it slightly lighter that is all, and put some more red into it. Anyhoo...
I can't believe i am doing this again! I am so mad at myself but at the same time i know that it is a good thing.
bye. |
| 55 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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hey guys!!! |
January 10th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Well i am back! i thought about it long and hard and well i am back! So yeah there has been so much drama in my life as of late, but there it has been nothing that i couldn't handle.
Just is case you don't know Landen loves me and i love him!!! it is so great to have that feeling of knowing that someone care about you and really truly loves you and only you. He and i had a wonderful time this past three weeks. I was on break for school and got to see him not enough, but still enough to make me happy and remind me of how lucky i am to have him in my life loving me no matter what.
I just started a new semester up here at college and am looking forward to all my new classes. I think that they just might kill me but i so ready to work hard and get good grades and what not. I am doing drumline this semester and am so excited about that and at the end of the semester i get to go on tour with the wind enseble to California, Nevada, Arizona, and Utah!!! i am so excited i can hardly wait! well i think that is all i am going to say for now! talk to yall later!
bye |
| 75 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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Its a new life.... |
November 29th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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In an attempt to change some things in my life and finally become the adult that i need to be there is a very big possibility that i won't be writing anymore on here. So i gues this is my final good bye to all you readers out there who care even enough to check this diary. Goodbye emily (chippman) you are the bestest friend a girl could ask for! i could always talk to you when i needed to and i will for sure be emialing you to find out what is new with you. Goodbye Kaylee! you are just as awesome! i could always talk to you and you have helped so much in life you have been the best friend. Goodbye Kirsten. you are so sweet and i have enjoyed our wonderful conversations we have had, and i hope that we can stay in touch! Goodbye emily (best)! i am so glad that i got to know you better. I hope that we can always stay friends. Goodbye dallan! I have so much enjoyed you and we will deffinately stay in touch through email! I have loved talking to you and i am glad to know that someone in this world still cares about me and thinks that i am a great person! i love you too and i am so happy that we are friends! And last but certainly not least landen. Goodbye hun! I really do love you and there will always be a very special place in my heart for you! I will miss you but i need to to move on in my life and this is just a small part of it. I hope all of your lives go well for you. I wish you the best. I will leave you with my testimony. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me and He knows me. I know this is the only true church and that it is the only way back to Him. I know that Pres. Hinckley is the true and living prophet today. I know that through Christ i am become clean and pure. I know that He suffered for my sins and that He loves me and knows my pains. I know that our elder brother knows all of us and so does our Father and He listens to our prayers. This church is true...woo woo!!!! i hope yall never forget that and i hope that someday you can all know that someday too. Good bye and take luck!!!!! |
| 87 hit(s) |
(5 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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Confused...my own sutpidity!!! |
November 26th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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So do you ever get those feelings of complete stupidity?! well i had them major last night! so i went home for the thanksgiving holiday, and i was so looking forward to it! i was so giddy and happy to see not only my family and friends, but landen! i was so stoked, well tues. night when i got into town my family was happy to see me but something i did really ticked off my dad and that totally ruined the whole vaction for me. (my own studipity!) and so consequently when landen showed up to get me i wasn't in the best of moods but i just wanted to get away for a bit and hopefully things would calm down, but he interpreted that as i wasn't excited to see him at all. which was exactlly the oppisite because i was most excited to see him because i hadn't seen him since ISU and i really didn't get to see him then really so i was so excited to have him near me and maybe just for one night things maybe be as they were with out all the drama between us. well i screwed that over too, (my own studipity!) i did however get to snuggle with him at fuzzy's house for a couple of minutes of heaven! i really do love that kid! and then we kissed, at first i really think that he didn't want to but it happened and i find out that he really didn't think that it meant anything to me! i couldn't have been more hurt in my life. although that is after i called him to tell him that i loved him and found out that he was on his way to hilary's house. and you can only guess what the first thing was that popped into my mind when he told me that. he is going to make-out with her! needless to say i was crushed! i had a couple of other social things i had to make a appearance at that night after i found out and so i held myself together enough for that and then i went to my aunts house put my jammies on and balled myself to sleep! my mother was upset too because i wouldn't tell her what was going on and that just made things worse, (my own studipity!)
The reason my mom was upset with me from earlier was friday her and i went shopping and she accidentlly ripped a pair of my pants. and i was extremely upset and so to make up for it she offered to buy me a new pair. well we went to the store and she handed me some to try on and i went back to the dressing room to try them on and they were too small. and being the girl that i am insisted that i wouldn't get a pair of pants bigger than that and gave them back to the clerk. when my mom asked about them i just told her that they were too small and i didn't want any pants at all. again (my own studipity!). so my mother was mad at me all break and so was my dad. he was upset because i went and hung out with my friends on tuesday night instead of being with the family. at least that is the readers digest version. and now i am sitting in my aunts house while my family is back at home so that i could save me some driving hours and that upset my parents too. (my own studipity!) so yeah basically except for the actual day my thanksgiving break sucked!!!!! and now i am so confused i don't know what to do.....
i guess i will just go on and live my life and hope that somehow this will all work itself out...maybe i will get in a freak accident on the way home tomorrow (because the roads are really bad) and die and then i won't have to worry about this mess any more. right now that seems like the best and easiest way out...and really that is what i want is a way out because i am sick to death of dealing with the shit my life is full of right now! and that is not just you landen, most of it in fact comes from my family.
Ideally what i would love to do right now is to run away with my landen! we would go far far away and live off of the love that we would have for eachother! and we could go skinny dipping everyday because we would live right next to the beach! and we would me so happy and there wouldn't be a care in the world...yes i think that would also be a sloution to my problems...run away with my landen! oh man wouldn't it be nice if we were older!!! he he he! by the way i really loved that song and i thought it was so cute! and just while i am getting everything off my chest here i really kind of lied. i had no intention of kissing you that night landen, i was in fact going to just not give you anything because you have a girlfriend and what not, but when i saw you (u hat and everything) i fell for you all over again! and i knew that there was now way i was going to last the night! but i was going to be stubborn and make you go first. but that went out the window too i guess. oh i saw this shirt at shopko that i have to get! it is pink and in lime green writing it says "who says stubborn is a bad thing" i saw that and thought of us and just laughed. anyhoo i love how i am having this conversation with you as if you are right here. i just hope you read this and so the people in this world don't think i am anymore crazy than i already am. anyhoo i think that is enough venting for one night. i still feel like a loser but it was fun to think about happy things for a while. sometimes that is what i do to help me sleep at night. i think of all the happy times that landen and i had together and all the tender moments that we shared together. in fact while i was balling last night i sort of sang myslef to sleep. i was singing our song. "children behave, thats what they say when were together, and watch how you play. they don't understand and so we're running just as fast as we can. holding onto one anothers hand. trying to get away into the night, then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say..." i will let you take it from there. good night world and sweet dreams landen (i really do love you! despite what i say) |
| 82 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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Why me..... |
November 21st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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Ya know just when i thought everything was going to be okay with my life i just go and screw it all up! It started out with Jason. He and I were actually talking to eachother and having good conversations and what not, but then I went and screwed it all over when i asked him if i could use his oven to bake some cookies because mine is broken. Well needless to say he forgot and totally stood me up and made me look like a fool. it really was all my stupid fault though because i should have said something or called him. Yeah and then yesterday i got in another huge fight with Landen. I told him that i had a hard time with the fact that he loved me when he had a girlfriend. and yeah so he said that he didn't want to see me when i come home this week. it was really hard but with the help of some awesome fhe brothers i saw that if that was what i was going to go through i didn't need to put up with that, and acording to dave i derserve much better and there is a ton of opportunities for me here. I don't know about that because right now i feel like i don't have anyone. i guess i am finally feeling complete and total empty and lonliness....i guess i will try and make the best of this and see if i can't try and be happy for today and fool everyone so no one knows that really deep down inside i am a mess....we will see... |
| 76 hit(s) |
(6 comments) |
talk to me baby!
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