| Unknown |
| Age: 18 |
| Sex: girl |
|
...Who am I?
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| house of misery |
June 9, 2008 |
Good grief.
It's her birthday. I get home, and my dad's in the driveway. Great, that'll make her feel real great. My sister drags a present out of the van which drops onto the pavement from a break in the bag--but each piece is individually wrapped, and it makes it inside then back she goes in the van in her baseball outfit. I dash upstairs while my mum goes to the mailbox. ... When she comes back, I swear I hear tears, so I sneak around until she comes downstairs. Not two seconds later and her computer won't turn on and she's in furious tears again.
I can't live like this all the time!! |
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| words and sound |
May 29, 2008 |
Ugh.
Stuck in such a writer's drought--or composer's drought really.
I generally don't write a lot of music. I wish I did. I wish I had that inexplicable talent of hearing this tune in my head then getting it down on paper. I have this weird idea in my head that if I got the technology that modern composer-doodlers use, I'll somehow gain the talent, but I really doubt it--it's an entire fantasy. Right now I can't even write lyrics for goodness sake. Okay, Okay, so it's probably because my mum's home, around the house and was just watching tv, so the only way to escape her choice of media was to drown myself in my own (aka iTunes, *sarcastic: Wee!*). Now she keeps appearing at the doorway to the room I'm in and hovering randomly.
Mah!! She's leaving, I'll try and take advantage of the silence... |
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| sometimes, you know? |
May 24, 2008 |
I wonder if I turn to this thing when I really wish I could call a girl up to just chat. To talk about whatever or the opposite. Cause right now, that's what I'd love to do. Call up a female friend. If I had one. My best gal friend is out in Saskatoon :S. The only other girl friend I have is showing her age difference from me right now (only a year, somehow) and is hard to spend time with. --Second time I've heard sirens in the last hour or so; wonder what's up--. I'm thinking maybe I'll bike down to campus and photocopy some new music or something... Yeah... that'd be a good idea. Exercise and practice.
Good enough; writing that little cleared my head.
I'm weird. |
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| fresh eyes |
May 21, 2008 |
So, awake, alive, etc. and sitting here typing. I felt like crying a short while ago, again, and I don't really know why. I'm not that unstable, or so I thought. Maybe I haven't finished crying somehow just yet.
Off to work in an hour and a bit, hoping to pull through past the pain in both of my wrists/arms and back. :s 10pm is really late I'm realizing. Somehow a closing shift would almost be better... buuuut I closed last night, so not really.
Hehe, an amusing happy burst, that isn't doing much more than tingling the surface of my current gloom, but worth noting: JR meets me after work late last night and, having caught up on ALL of my entries here (a feat in itself), says "With regards to you being the mother of my children: Yes, I still do."
Merh.
Hard not to smile and wiggle one's feet a little at that.
. |
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| never write entries when you're crying |
May 18, 2008 |
Crying.
Yep. Loser me.
Concert apparently was a matinee of some sort. Of course. Why would it be in the evening? I'm just retarded and didn't think to check the website to see that it wasn't. I missed it. I'm just that special.
So now that I'm thoroughly over-caffeinated, not having had this much caffeine in a long time (two long shots = bad), I'm sitting here wailing. Wailing.
Got a text response from him. Even if the first two were sort of random, he still responded. Good. I guess. I know he won't hate me. But right now I'm in such a fragile mood. First day without a pill for a week and my system tends to go haywire. Last month it was crabbiness. This month I guess it's gonna be tears.
My face feels like cheap plastic wrap.
I told him to go have fun. That I'd talk to him later about it. Haha. Yyyyep. That's me.
Just as well my family isn't home to hear my pathetic screeches and whatever-they-ares.
I'm twitchy everywhere.
Oh god... |
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| cereal |
May 18, 2008 |
Today's been a cereal morning.
No really, my whole household had it for breakfast I think. Or at least it was part of everyone's breakfast.
They're at church now... or well, they may be home soon.
Nice and rainy outside. Just had a downpour during which I noticed a towel outside hanging on the fence, but didn't want to go out and get it and get soaked myself. It's still out there, doubtless heavy with rainwater. I'm surprised my mum didn't bring it in either, since it's been drizzling all morning anyways. Oh well.
Had a really hard time waking up this morning. I'm surprised, but somehow it actually has managed to get lighter outside. Maybe the weight of some of the rain being gone now has thinned the clouds. I dunno. A thunderstorm would have been more fun. Sudden downpours don't do much but wash cars and flood flower-beds etc. Lighting storms at least hold some excitement. It's true: not much for long-weekend weather; but who knows, maybe it's nicer up at the cottages. Ha. I doubt it's all that different.
Missing JR's voice incredibly. It was at it's worst last night. I'd been in bed reading for something like an hour at least, 9.30 or so decided I'd stayed up long enough and that I'd try to fall asleep. Of course my eyes stayed wide open and facing the wall in my bed, all I could think of was his heat missing at my back, or the weight of his arm on my stomach not there. I supposed this is how my mother felt. Feels. But, oddly enough, it didn't strike a chord in me. I suppose after a few nights of this, I myself would just go cold and numb. Neutral. After a few more, I'd throw myself into work (or studies, whatever). Maybe it's different when they're not there and you know they're not coming back after 25+ years. I dunno. It still managed to not strike sympathy in me. If I went to a psychologist, it would most certainly be for that, and not for the reason that I don't really miss my dad.
The choir is on the radio tonight; I'm gonna listen in. I'm thinking I'll start at 5pm since I've no idea when the thing is on; chances are my family won't leave for supper with friends until 5.30 or six though, so maybe I'll start then. Oddly enough, I'm hoping JR has a solo so I can hear his voice. Awful unfair since he can't hear mine.
I've been singing at the piano recently and absolutely loathing my voice. I sent a repertoire list to my new teacher and he sent a response back, saying not to sing mezzo songs since I'd never sing them anyways... He seems to think I'm going to be an opera star of some sort. I'm under the impression there are already far too many of those at least in the female category. Yet another aspect in which I wish I was male. *sigh* Anyways, I'm getting worried about that as the summer goes on. I feel like I'm going to go back with very little of the work over this past year held onto. I could be totally wrong. But on the flip side that gives my new teacher a blank slate to work with basically, and that makes me even more nervous. I hope JR doesn't read this part perhaps, since it's his teacher too. I totally went against all my mentors' advice by choosing this teacher. I'm wondering what will happen. *shrugs*.
Just trying not to think about it perhaps: "What happens, happens." And that's all there is to it.
I finished my novel. The girl survives. Or well, it makes it sound like the lovers' person survive, even if their bodies don't, which is what the impression is. It was satisfying enough for me, even if there was no real description of their happiness; I'm okay with that, so long as I know they're together. Being away from JR and with their qualities so like ours,... I think I might have gone a bit beserk.
Oh, and before 5pm I'm going to walk over to work and get a nice big frap for dinner, I've decided. I really want caffeine but don't want coffee, and tea only goes so far, so I'm thinking I'll involve sugar in the mess and just not eat a proper dinner. I'll do some ab-workout things after I'm done this and perhaps some pushups and stretches and I'll feel a little bit better for it. I can't go on a bike ride today anyways since it's so wet and rainy and gross.
Despite how much I've exercised over the past few days, no weight seems to be disappearing. I suppose I can blame it on the pill. The last week I had off of the thing, I seemed to be losing weight, but then the weather got crummy again and so I stopped biking. I wonder if I can get my metabolism rolling in the right direction in my week off and keep exercising and eating fairly well, if I'll start losing weight properly, or at least slim up a bit. I'm hoping I can get back to last summer's shape and I'm not doomed entirely by this stupid pill. I hate messing up my body's system! It was perfect. The stupid things we do... *sigh* Anyways, I feel like I've cut back on my sugar/fat intake but I'm not sure. I didn't have anything besides half-sweet iced-teas at work for the past two shifts and I've been ... well I haven't had absolutely no sugar and sweets. But I've had less, or more moderate portions than previous times. I'm certainly glad that the lack of JR hasn't caused me to feel the need to binge eat. Nothing seems to compel me towards that, even if I'm standing in the kitchen doing nothing! This makes me quite happy. I'm also more inclined to eat smaller portions and eat when I'm hungry. Also glad about that. It means that I sometimes skip out on dinner which I know pisses of my mum, but whatever.
I'm nattering. I guess I need something to do. Typing is an activity which I find marvelously productive. Yet, when I'm sitting here writing just for a journal it's also wonderfully mindless. Seems far more intelligent than the internet games I may succumb to later. Ah well. One can only write so much. I'll probably be on again later when my house is vacant and I've taken over the tv room where I plan to listen to the choral competition!
tootlez! |
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| warble |
May 17, 2008 |
A collection of offhanded thoughts.
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I just watched my mother hunch over her supper as if doom was impending. As if she needed to eat quickly--even though she wasn't--or she wouldn't eat at all. Or as if she was just trying not to think about anything other than her food.
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She snapped at me earlier when I just asked for the suitcase. Good grief. And she wonders why I do it to her!
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I'm reading a book. Called the Raw Shark Texts (I never want to or feel compelled to capitalize "the"). The lover of the main character--Cleo--lovely name actually; fun--is a lot like me. Or at least, in her behavior to her partner. However this far from amuses me: it sort of terrifies me. In her I sort of see what could be exaggerated characteristics of me, but what could be exactly the same. She calls him names, she is sarcastic and condescending, patronizing even at times. On the flip-side you can often tell that she's saying it all with a smile and an honest love for the man even if her words don't portray the standard sort of love. Not to mention that her partner is most appreciative of her character anyways and loves her for her spunky self, no matter how sarcastic etc. He seems a bit like a puppy, following a hot chic who happens to love him (despite what she says). I just hope that when I get this way, JR is happy to play the same role opposite me, and that it doesn't bother him. I don't want hidden resent over something in my behavior that I could truly change if I put my mind to it (and wouldn't be terribly awful if I did). My morbid sense of humor is often amusing to others though, and I'd hate to kill it entirely.
Anyways, I'm off to play "Sleep" again on the piano, in my chunky attempts at reading four-to-six part harmony in SATB scoring >. |
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| headache |
May 17, 2008 |
I don't know why my head hurts. Maybe there's too much floating around in it. But I don't know what that stuff is. Anyways I just sat outside for a while reading, but before that I was literally just laying on my bed in my room doused with afternoon sun, staring at various things around my room. Of course I wasn't seeing them at all, thus the thoughts that ran through my head were unattached and irrelevant to the objects. Gah. Wordy. I don't even remember what those thoughts were. Now I just want to go on a bike ride, but I don't feel like wrestling with hills, nor do I feel like fighting with freaky saturday traffic, nor do I feel like biking in places that I know.
I have an idea of where to go, but I'll finish getting some words down so I don't feel like being ill later. (?)
_________________________________
Woooord vomit? :
Weird thoughts. Not having any at all. Creepster. Molester. Mill. Money. Dough. Cough. Feeble. Mars. Marzipan. Brushes. Window. Pain. Flowers. Trees. Bloom. Blossom. Gone. Erase. Foster. care. Year. Owning. Great. Fork. Beetle. Heart. You. Gig. Done. Treat. Kill. Open. Swing. Door. Feeling. Float. Nothing. Hearing. Seeing. Sight. Eyes. Wild. Moaning. Aching . Ouvert. Claws. Jaws. Sharp Teeth. Nails. Fingers. Touch. Prints. Dig. Buried. Beard. Bird. Branches. Bare. Near. Far. Maple. Purple. Green. Bugs. Crawl. Caress. Hold. Arms. Legs. Wrap. Around. Entirety. Core. Encasement. Foggy. Blip. Radar. Crystal. Ball. Light. Play. Rainbow. Summer. Sun. Burn. Hot. Scald. Boil. Gape. Gawk. Honk. Hurt. Feather. Bowling. Pin. Needle. Grape. Vineyard. Bunches. Hanging. Tether. There. Coffee. Bubbles. Tea. Straw. Jube-Jube. Gather. Food. Berries. Nausious. Spelling. Canter. Horses. Lodge. Inlaws. Future. Sense. Nothing? Everything. Raw. Healing. Command.
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You'd think that after all that my fingers would hurt. Really though my mind feels much better after I do that. Just let it wander as My hands record each word that I stumble across. They have some obvious correlations to each other, but I try not to stop myself, therefore I just let the flow go as it is. Otherwise I'll stop and think about thinking about words that don't relate! Instead I just let the words come; I just have to make sure I don't try to find words that relate otherwise I defy the purpose of the exercise.
Why am I explaining myself? What's the point? No one reads this thing regularly besides myself. And even then I can't say that I read it regularly; just write in it fairly regularly these days.
With the absence of the wall-off-of-whom-I-bounce-words, I guess I just need to put stuff down somewhere. That somewhere is here.
Which is in the middle of no-where. In the middle of non-existence.
As numbers and codes and random electric blips on screens in...
Some form of space and time we don't even understand.
In my book, There are fish of "non-conceptuality" or something like that, that have grown in the streams of communication between human beings. They have the ability to destroy whole human beings. Not really meaning in the physical sense (but possible I think), but as in the who that they are.
I just looked at the screen and thought I saw "J'adore tu" written on it. Weird.
*sigh* Off I go to wander within more of my aimless, senseless mind.
JR--You sure you want me as the mother of your children?
*sigh* |
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| this weekend... |
May 16, 2008 |
This weekend...
What to do about this weekend...
Boyfriend's away in Montreal for a choral competition.
Best friend's still living in Saskatoon.
Other best friend is out visiting her (b/c he has too much $$)
Only other friends are either a) younger than me and annoying or b) older than me and either out of town or not as close.
Guh.
What to do about this weekend?
I suppose I could attack the basement. The dreary basement. I don't know how I'm going to be living down there for a whole year. Maybe somehow me cleaning it out and painting it will somehow make it feel less gloomy. It's hard to believe that. It's not like it'll get any warmer down there (all year round it's cold) and the dysfunctional fireplace is a mystery to me, so like I'll be able to figure out how to get the freakin' dust-bunnies out (thus keeping the sense of dirt from before). There's also a heck of a lot still left to buy for the thing so I don't even know *when* there'll be any actual progress on the thing. Paint, Doors, Curtains to make a makeshift closet, Curtains for the doors. So much money to be spent and I'm going to Europe this summer! Maybe I'll talk to my mum about delaying the move downstairs. Guh. Shouldn't have built the bed yet either, even if it's been nice to have...
*sigh*
I don't know whether I should be dreading this weekend, but I'm certainly very nervous of how it will turn out and will be glad when it's over...
Ugh! Sort of: Seeing how I've got a 28hour work week after that (Not something I'm used to).
Damnit! I give up!!! |
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| you've got to be kidding |
May 14, 2008 |
Gah!
You know, as I sit here waiting for JR, I've suddenly had the urge to seduce him killed in my chest because of my mother. But oh just you wait. It's not because of any of the reasons you think.
Young girls and women are allowed to watch sappy movies right? Oldies which have happy endings which end in weddings? Swoon?
Boyfriend's can take their girlfriend's siblings, or other such young relations, to their soccer practices, and enjoy spending time with them and the gal of course. Right?
Well not me.
I sit and watch old movies with my mother in the room in utter guilt. Thinking every single sigh is because of the movie and meaning she's DEPRESSED. Every sniffle is because she's crying (even if she isn't). And every shift of weight is because she's uncomfortable.
My boyfriend feels he needs to be guarded about offering to take my siblings to soccer practice when my mother can't.
But the STUPID part? The really DUMB part?
Just because she's fucking DIVORCED.
I don't want to remind her of her unhappily ever after.
He doesn't want to seem like he's replacing the male-figure of the household.
I mend my life and my daily stupid going-ons so that I am so aware of how she feels that I can't even sing a happy little love tune, or a piece from a musical I adore because I feel it will send her in to bouts of depression.
Sometimes I feel like I have to jump apart from JR just because she's walked into the room.
Can't sit snuggled with my boyfriend?? Can't even KISS him, even the quickest of pecks? Without feeling WRACKED with guilt!!!
As if I'm the one that's done something wrong.
Okay, look, I know, I'm supposed to feel sympathy. I'm supposed to support her, she just lost her most trusted companion for no good fucking reason. Yes. I know.
But is that supposed to mean that my happiness then has to be robbed from me? Just because she can't be happy? Then I must be miserable to? Just when I'm at a part of my life where some of the happiest moments should be falling on me.
I should be watching him play with my siblings. Listening to him natter over composition with my dad--a subject they share a love for. He should be over for movie evenings and my mum gives a sly smile as she says "I'll leave you alone now".
Instead I have to hide it.
Hide it.
Hide.Hide.Hide.
Because I feel like it's wrong somehow. To be happy when she isn't.
It's not fair.
It's just not fair.
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