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Word of the Day: Shitty |
June 26th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Loose Lips: Kimya Dawson
Feeling: quiet
Stupid bed that causes Sarah taco-ness.
Grrr.
Stupid fucking rachel decides to jump on my bed and she breaks the back support (this is a futon, a FUTON)and it bends so bad that it pops the bolts out of the side rail, and then when I tell her that she actually broke it she giggles and goes "that sucks"
She doesn't even say sorry.
I was thinking we could probably go pick up a new support, but over the last month, things have been crazy.
And, I am rather dumb because when I rearranged my room, I didn't pay attention to how I was putting the bed back, and so if you fold it up, it faces the wall. So, I can't have it down because it squishes all the shit under my bed and causes me to roll off the edge, so for the last month, I've had it folded up backward, and I have to hop over the back to get into bed. Which doesn't help the bent mainframe or the broken siderail or the fact that it's already fucked up.
So now, since I'm not moving to Cedar City like we all thought, I think that I should just get a nice, decent bed.
I've never had a BED.
I have gone... in my lifetime...
cradle
crib
mom's old trundle bed
bunkbed (bottom)
Bunk bed (top)
mom's floor
bunk bed (bottom)
bunk bed mattress on floor
shitty bar futon for 5 weeks in OKC
shitty bunk bed mattress on a box spring from the DI and a shitty metal frame (this was for four years... and it began to eat me)
and a futon for the last not quite a year.
I want a BED.
Like that gorgeous pillowtop dad and Eric have. mm. Sounds good. I want squishy support that doesn't make creepy metal creak noises when I move even the slightest.
Cry. I need a job
So I can pay for college in August.
SLCC, never considered it until the last few months.
I applied at Discover Card.
Hopefully I get on there, because it's $11.00 starting, and it's close enough I could ride my bike.
Still wants my car though.
Ahh.
The summer arrives.
I have a wedding to go to tomorrow.
I take pictures and read from the Prophet (Kahlil Gibran).
Go me and crazy family goth weddings.
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gr |
April 29th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Freaking out here
I THOUGHT I HAD THAT TAKEN CARE OF
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Divisible |
April 16th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Sometimes, it really seems like I'm the "Karen" of the group.
I end up being the butt of the jokes
The insults
And they tend to ignore me.
And (rea) likes to argue with me about everything. So that's just kinda fucked up.
I mean, Kelly and Sara are bugged at the fact that I swear. But I don't really give a shit anymore, you know?
Megan and Rachel seem to be the best at the moment. Rachel is so worried over things though, I'm amazed she's retaining any level of sanity. Especially with being friends with us.
Deja is just always so sad.
But then there is me, who wants to be in good with everyone. But like Saturday, at the dance, I was the odd man out. Sara was my "date" and andrea was rachel's "Date" so. I thought it kind of obnoxious I was the left out one.
So I occupied myself by taking pictures of people. Most of whom I really don't even like.
Dianna was gorgeous though.. But then again, damn that bitch she's always adorably pretty.
Graduation is coming.
I am sad,
but happy.
Sad because it marks the end of an era. Nobody will be demanding I wake up in September.
Happy because it means I'll be out of there.
But I don't want to lose my friends.
I hate feeling needy, but they make me feel like a piece of shit just for asking for a ride home. And I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it about how I didn't go to the AP psych review today. ("just because I didn't want to walk home.)
Okay. It's two miles... almost. But when you're by yourself, and it's 40 degrees outside when you have friends who went too, and you live on their way and they say "no I can't take you home I have to go to work,"
That's just kind of fucked up. Like just stopping across the street in your straight little path is going to make you eternally late.
Especially when you claim that we're all Bffs.
Yeah whatever.
Forever doesn't exist.
Not really.
But I can't get into that or I'll never freaking get to sleep, you know.
I really should stop, but I can't find the strength to write it all down, typing is so much easier.
Nobody even really said thank you to my mother after she was the driver for us all over hell and took us all to village inn for pie.
Nope.
No "thanks sarah's mom" or "wow I really appreciate this"
Nothing.
I'm seriously shocked.
But oh well. Focus on my studies and pretty soon I'll have failed the AP tests and will put on a fake smile at graduation.
Fuck the party.
Nobody would come anyway. |
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Sharpie Hearts |
August 24th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Three Days Grace: Over and Over
Feeling: worthless
I don't get it.
I really just... don't.
I can't get him out of my mind. I'm so worried about him. but he won't return my texts, my IMs, or reply to either myspace contact i've sent him.
I think of what I could or would say if I talked to him, and this lump rises in my throat. This perpetual ache that keeps my words down.
This cold feeling fills me up from my stomach up, and it just envelops my head... and throbs.
Not like a headache... just a throb.
I didn't know I cared this much.
In the words of Kate Winslet..." What about those of us who fall in love alone...? The victims of the one sided affair."
Do I love him?
Do I want to?
The last times I dared to use the word "love" as a feeling, I had my heart wrenched out of my chest, frozen, shattered and then fed back to me from a silver platter.
He comes across so tough and uncaring...
But I knew that wasn't him.
He DOESN'T know what he wants...
He's giving up on love... on women.
On passing on his name.
I doubt he turns over in the middle of the night and reaches out his arm to someone who isn't there... the way I do.
Does he dream about me?
I dream the real him. He's gentle, and soft, and confused... and scared.
He's so afraid.
As am I.
I can't get it out of my mind. I want to know he's okay. I should just call him... but what the fuck would I say? If he even answered...
Would there be something in his voice that breaks me down to tears?
Could I really give him any consolation? Any comfort? Does HE need a shoulder to cry on?
Like I told him... the person on whose shoulder you cry on should be the same as who you rest your head on during a slow dance...
If I knew what he needed... I would be there in an instant. I think I could fly there.
I would be there for him to lock his arms around and collapse into if need be. He can soak my shirt with his tears... If I could, I would protect him.
Like he protects me. Even if he doesn't know it... he does. I feel impenetrable when I am with him.
But unlike any other person I've liked... there are no awkward silences. There are no cheeky giggles. It is just comfortable. We can make sex jokes, discuss sex, and laugh at ourselves. He can look at me and go "you're weird." and I just smile and he smiles back.
I've never felt for anyone with brown eyes. Because the brown is opaque, and you can't see into them. But his are almost green some days. There is depth, and he knows how to talk through his eyes.
I think about him hurting... and I feel like someone has closed their fist around my lungs.
When his cousin died at Christmas, he was sitting there, crying. CRYING. In the cafeteria. He was withdrawn... he was so far within himself...
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him it would be okay, but something held me back. Fear? That's the only thing I could think of.
Because I don't care how tough a guy may be, sometimes they just need to hold onto somebody else and cry.
I keep crying when I think about it. My eyes sting and tears just leak out..
Words wrap around my mind and I can't shake his image from the backs of my eyelids.
It's pathetic, really.
I'm so proud of him..
So scared for him...
and yet... I'm scared for myself too.
"there's something sweet... and almost kind. but he was mean and he was coarse and unrefined... and now he's dear, and so unsure. I wonder why I didn't see it there before."
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Shit fuck fuck fuck AHHHHHH |
August 23rd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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August 22, 2007 - Wednesday
I’m swearing of women forever.
Current mood: cold
Category: Life
(this whole thing is full of spelling errors because it is one in the morning...duh)The whole point in our life is to pass on our DNA or "seed". For those that don't belive me, think of everything that anything teaches. Religion states that we must "multiply and replenish the earth". Goverment "no child left behind" and "what world do you want to leave for your childern". With this in mind, ask yourself if we are really any different than the animals we share this planet with. We give into the same primitive emotions that animals feel; anger, being jelous, greed, pride. pysical desires such as; food, lust, sex. And this brings me to my point stated in the title, I will no longer be a victim of what my genes tell me to do. Not like I could accompish my assigned task if I wanted too.
I am sick and tired of being "that guy". The one that all the girls come to too "bitch" about there boyfriends. saying crap like " oh, I need someone that will listen, and that's sesitive, and whose funny....like you, just not you". I was just talking to one of my female friends about this and she made the statement "yeah, I never looked at you like that [boyfriend/friend with benifits] not like I haven't tried but you just been to much of a friend to me". Do you understand this crap? All the people I have ever met have told me that there 'lover' is also there best friend. But here I'm being "too much of a friend". What do they want from me? To be a complete jerk. No they want me to be better looking and act like I don't give a damn. Well since I have no chance at getting plastic surgy any time soon.....looks like I'm screwed.
I know this one girl is feeling me. I can tell from they way she is around me and the fact they (they being a group of young females I was hanging with tonight) where talking about who they where going to pick out at my job.....and they thought I couldn't hear them..... but she is feeling someone else so much more....which makes me jelous.....which make me angry...which makes me do something stuiped and cause myself pain. So lets back up.......If I become a cold bitter person I will not get hurt. Now I know some of you are saying that "the pain is worth it when you find that specail someone" bull crap. You just settele for people and become delusional that you love them. "be yourself" the women say....wrong. I've been myself and I've become "that guy" and "that guy" never finds the woman he's looking for. I will not change who I am to pass on my gentics because gentics is your pysical being but who I am is how I act and how I act determines what I shall be remebered as. I will be remebered as the lonely guy that help everyone else with there problems while never dealing with his own.
No matter how well logical Sean kicks in "animal' Sean can't stand the thought of being "that guy" forever. everything I do (even if I don't relize it) is to impress the women of my life. Got a job for money...money buys stuff....stuff gets women. Work out (or try to) to get buff to get the women.
I will always be the shoulder to cry one and not the one to rest your head durring that special slow dance.
Comment
Mish-Mash Neon Queen™
Believe it or not, I really DO know how you feel.
Being the person who bears the load of what everyone else is feeling...
The one who is asked for advice on things they may never have been successful in...
Seeing the ones you want and the people you care for slip away
Realizing you did things you wouldn't normally do to get that "someone"
Giving up on it.
I wish I could tell you "it gets better"
Wish I could tell you... something.
But I personally think that the shoulder you cry on should be the same you rest your head on.
And I don't know if you care, but I like you just as you are.
why not say...
"I don't ask anything more from you. You're wonderful, you make me laugh and smile, and I feel good around you. I feel safe and happy. I hate seeing you disappear behind the door. It makes me blink away if you are hurt..."
but no.
I am gutless.
God, we are perfect. |
| 33 hit(s) |
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Never Never Ever Land |
August 22nd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
"Will you not forget me?"
oh, I'll never forget you.
"Never, never."
I really don't like this week.
I'm down on everything.
Okay, except my friends. the REAL ones.
Andrea, Sara, Deja, Jackie too I suppose.
yesterday i went to ihop with them.
I literally woke up, checked my text messages, threw on clothes and deja picked me up.
crazy good.
we laughed and shared summer stories
(i haven't seen any of them since july 7)
and our schedules. I think we all, save deja, have english together.
we went back to sara's house and played with her barbies. she is seriously lacking in the clothes department.
oh well.
We went to rage on monday with ahma and tim, juju, joan, and dane. it was fun.
but my legs are still in agonizing pain.
I have nothing positive to say about my dad.
And I think i'm going to end up going a full 24 hours without talking to my mom.
I don't care.
She confused me and I didn't know where she was seeing what she was seeing on the box, and she threw it at me and got all angry because I let her know that somehow she hadn't read the right thing and that it was the correct thing to be cooking.
but no.
she got angry and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving the hamburger on to burn.
I don't want to be around mom,
I don't want to be around dad,
I don't want to be around tony,
Cremme is the only safe place right now...
But I can't get there... can't stay. |
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Cremme |
August 19th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Lost In Space
Feeling: annoyed
eric's studio is so great
i like it even better now that there is a table for sitting at... and a futon for laying on.
great sounds and good times.
Tony, Eric and I played Apples to Apples whilst dad played with the phone box and junk
I have no more pepsi. This makes me sad
Eric played with his magical magnetic top that spins in thin air. (not really, but it's fun to think that.)
i get to download some things... superdeedouper fastishly. woohoo!
One week to first school night of seniorbeing.
I wonder when the Hello Stomp is. I think I will go this year... maybe.
I need clothes.
And I feel all greedy and schtuff about that. |
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Golden Years |
August 18th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Disturbia
Feeling: withdrawn
It's been too long.
so many different things happening.
I'm going to miss him so bad if he goes away...
I didn't want this to happen, I really didn't. But I can't help but admire him for it. How hard would it have to be to sign your name on those papers, knowing that you couldn't go back?
He's braver than I could really ever hope to be.
It just makes it hurt a little.
He's my friend.
And it's not that I don't want more... it's just...
I don't want to lose the friend part.
My head spins with everything I'm thinking about, and I just still can't bring myself to spill. To say everything that I want to say.
but it can't be love.... can it? |
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I think it's been a sufficient break |
September 21st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Superheroes
Feeling: bubbly
Ten days until october. YAY!!!
Haunted houses, apple juice, that feeling...... knowing that thanksgiving is on its way.
sigh.
i guess i am kinda pathetic. oh well. YAY FOR ME!!!! :D Today just has that... warm, comfortable feeling to me.
only one thing's been anywhere near annoying or pissing me off level. but that doesn't matter. because, as a whole, today was pretty freakin sweet. and i do say that as a peter griffinism.
It is cloudy and raining on and off, which is pretty damn near my favorite weather. My house is warm, and my cat is actually sitting on my lap while I'm using the computer.
She says he likes me.
But how to know for sure?
Hmm.
Very tricky.
Two days until the big ass show.
I am seriously so looking forward to this weekend.
On saturday I go see awesome people play awesome music, then i get to go to the opening night of Dracula Vs. Dr Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. AND!!!!!! We're staying for IMPROV.
Then sunday we go celebrate GG's 91 birthday, and I am the appointed family photographer. go me.
I have a need for pasta and hugs. i can't really explain it....
hooray for flakes. they make my immediate afternoon dayyyum good.
sheesh, I'm such a geek.
I came up with a schooltime appropriate superhero. Yay for me. |
| 65 hit(s) |
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I want |
August 3rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
I want this summer to end
I want these feelings to just go away
I want her to stop
I want him
I want to look in his eyes for as long as I can
I want to drive
I want to have a party
I want to go back to school
I want things to do
I don't want to think about it anymore
I want to gain endurance
I want to fly
I want
I want
I want
Is that soo much to ask for?♥Me |
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Near Ecstasy |
July 11th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed.
So I did, and I can't wipe this smile off of my face.
Today has been incredibly good, and the goingson of 3:00 pm. have made my day.
It's going to take more than a mother/son disagreement to bring me down from this peak.
So... I've made Jordan two cds, and he was supposed to be burning me 10,000 fists. Last night, I offered to burn him another in exchange for see you on the other side.
He told me to go over to his house and drop off/pick up today around 3.
And I like him. Some part of me is always going to. He was the first person I could ever honestly say that I loved. So in my head there are all these scenarios flying around, and I had to remind myself not to get my hopes up.
The hopeless romantic in me is a far cry from reality. He's not going to open the door and sweep me into his arms passionately.
But somehow, my visit seemed almost better.
He answered the door and took his cds and gave me mine. I refilled my water bottle and turned to leave, saying that if he wanted more songs to IM or message them to me.
He remembered that he owed me another cd so he invited me back in to create my own from the music he has. Since it was really the only thing I could think of, I just burned We are Not Alone.
So while we waited for my cd to finish, we had a chat. about pirates and how paul got annoyed because jordan can poke holes right through the plots of movies, and how we knew certain things were going to happen. He said he was having a bad hair day. it was all frizzy. It made me laugh. I wanted to run my fingers through it.
He showed off his firework collection and we confesssed pyro secrets.
When my Cd finished and i'd labeled it, I got up to leave, and he said
good to see you,
and he gave me a hug. Nobody telling him to.
Just a hug. and he actually rested his hand on my back for a moment.
good to see you too
see? we are civil!
::laughs:: YEAH!
See ya later in the summer er... whenever
yeah. Actually you might get invited to my birthday.. not sure about it
::laugh:: and maybe I'll actually come this year. I spaced it last
yeah. its ok. It will be in a yard with crazy chickens.
::Pauses:: I love chickens
::I laugh:: alrighty then
See you later
Bye
And there was this ease... that hasn't been there for a long time.
I wish I'd had reason to stay longer. I really do.
When he hugged me, his face and lips flashed before my eyes.
I really did want to just hold onto him for forever.
I want him to request more songs.
I want another excuse to go to his house.
His mom lives in a trailor. I didn't know that.
And we're both missing our old houses.
My mind is running amok in every which way, and for some reason, I'm almost wishing that as he closed the door to me that he rested back on the stairs and sighed.
In the same manner that I did when I got home and collapsed on my bed.
I dont know... is it just a crush?
Or is it leftover love?
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boredom |
June 21st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I AM: me
I WANT: to get out of utah
I HAVE: a cat
I WISH: i had somewhere to go
I HATE: homophobes
I FEAR: losing the people i love
I HEAR: Dresden Dolls
I SEARCH: My room for my wallet
I WONDER: if that girl will do my layout
I REGRET: the last two years of my life
I LOVE: my camera
I ACHE: in my butt
I ALWAYS: feel lonely
I AM NOT: good
I DANCE: when the music calls
I SING: in the shower
I WRITE: all the time
I WIN: nothing
I LOSE: my mind
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: an excedrin
I SHOULD: get off my ass
YOU KEEP A DIARY: but its not a diary
YOU LIKE TO COOK: whenever i can
YOU HAVE A SECERET: and nobody knows it
YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: and it matters
CLOSEST FRIEND: idk
THE PERSON THAT KNOWS THE MOST ABOUT YOU: me
THE LAST IMAGE/THOUGHT YOU GO TO SLEEP WITH: blackness
WANT TO GET MARRIED:no
GET MOTION SICKNESS: no
THINK YOURE A HEALTH NUT: no
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS:usually
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: always
FAVORITE NUMBER:4
COLOR:red
DAY: saturday
MONTH: i dont know they all suck
SONG: dirty business
FOOD: steak pho
SEASON:spring
SPORT: i hate sports
DRINK: liquid
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: i dont know. neither happens
CHOCOLATE MILK OR HOT CHOCOLATE: hot
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: usually milk
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: vanilla
IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? :a little
HELPED SOMEONE? :i dont think so
BOUGHT SOMETHING? :not with my own money
GOTTEN SICK? : eh
GONE TO THE MOVIES? :no
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? : fast food
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? :i dont know
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER : yeah
TALKED TO AN EX? :yes
MISSED AN EX? : yeah
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? :yes
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? :no
MISSED SOMEONE? :yes
HUGGED SOMEONE? :only fam
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? :no
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? :no
Name 7 things you hate:
1. life
2. summer
3. school
4. lawn mowers
5. scooters
6. my body
7. being bored
Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug? : probably
2. Bungee jump?: yes
3. Hang glide? : yes
4. Kill someone? : i dont know
5. Rob someone? :no
6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? :uh, you kinda cant
7. Parachute from a plane? :yes
8. Walk on hot coals? : perhaps
9. Go out with someone for their looks? :no
10. For their reputation? :no
11. Be a vegetarian? : sure
12. Wear plaid with stripes? :i do sometimes
13. IM a stranger? : only if they're annoyin gme
14. Sing Karaoke? :yeah
15. Get drunk off your ass? : gladly
16. Shoplift? :no
17. Run a red light? : depends
18. Star in a porn video? :LMAO no.
19. Dye your hair blue? : yeah
20. Be on Survivor? :fuck no
21. Wear makeup in public : duh
22. Not wear makeup in public? : i do
23. Cheat on a test? : only once and never again
24. Make someone cry? : i think its impossible to avoid
25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? : uhm........ no
26. Stay up all night? : yep |
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Question Marks and & hearts; |
June 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I don't really know whats left.
I don't really know what to do
I don't know anything.
I didn't want it to become like this
I didn't want to fall again
I didn't think this was going to happen.
I am tired.
I am sore
I am very confused
I want to go to sleep.
I want my mouth to stop hurting
I want... things
I hate these feelings
I hate this day
I hate the fact that I feel like this.
Hm. it isn't supposed to be a poem. just a list.It works.
I don't care.
...oh hell |
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fathers day |
June 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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The tides of this summer are changing.
I may not get to leave,
but she may be coming here.
The other loves me..
we share a secret picture.
a song and a portrait.
but I still don't get to leave this god-forsaken state. |
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Unbreakable |
June 7th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Why can't I break these ties?
Why am I constantly drawn back to them?
WHy the fuck can't I just stop feeling altogether? I'd rather be a robot than this mess of screaming flesh.
Because there is nothing I can do.
I want the people I can't have.
The thoughts of what I'm told create this fucking whirlpool in my mind. I get sucked into it.
This hurts.
Motherfucker, this hurts. |
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OMFG FINALLY |
June 7th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Salvation has returned.
Now I do not have to waste all of my time on fucking myspace.
I am home...
I am now very well to full electronic endowment.
Digital camera is off the list
MP3 is the only thing i need.
Cell
DVD
VCR
Dish
Laptop
CD player
DIGITAL CAMERA
Oh my god how I have missed this place........
Forever.....
goodbye may seem forever
farewell is like the end
but in my heart's a memory
and there, you'll always be. |
| 43 hit(s) |
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Handcuffs |
May 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Kinky.
and i think I like them too much.
They scared dani
and they cut jordan.
sigh. i should kiss all the wounds beter.
FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!! |
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Melting |
May 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Nobody is ever on here anymore. It is sad.
Summer will be good, with the exception of one huge thing.
Mummy and daddy say no to arkansas.
OOOH I hate that.
But I will go to SUU and I will swim.
There are 9 days left of school. It is fucking insane how fast the year has gone, and how much part of it is like a fucking blank.
September-greenday, failed date request
October- Dyed my hair, thought...
November- one year... aleks. last kiss
December- blow up. We watched eachother cry
January- New year started out with an aching pain
February- inevitably disasterous
March- At UNI... tried to be okay
April- acquaintances, taken to daddy's house, heninger, friendship agreement, the nook
May- lizzy 16, dependent independency, home.
school draws to a close, and I feel like there is something I have to do.
but I don't have even the slightest idea what.
I still want love. It is so hard to watch all the people around you be so blissfully happy. and then I am... here...
intimately alone.
Oh well...... I just need to fill my time.
I thought I had found them... but i fuck up.
Summer is too hot.
I want to take a nap while my room is still nice and cool.
I wish I had someone right now that would always be around to hug and hold and laugh with. how pathetic. |
| 52 hit(s) |
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Memories, Mothers day, and Marvelous Theatre |
May 14th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: huuuuuuuum
Feeling: exhausted
So mother said "don't spend money on me."
Well, i did not completely obey, but I made her a beautiful little picture book. it makes her laugh and cry.
We went downtown to see phantom of the off broadway theatre. it was great.
"now come on, happiness isn't going to come from bieng pretty, talentless, and named after a hotel. It hasn't worked for Paris Hilton."
Sigh. It was great. we got front row seats to the improv.
Any other breaking news russ?
THIS JUST IN!
I'm not wearing a shirt.
It was great. I wish my headache would have stopped and my mouth stopped throbbing so that I could have stayed up front for the second half.
Phantom of the OBT is here..........
beneath zion.
Today is mothers day. It is lovely. i would be better if i could sleep longer than 7 hours.
I woke up at six oclock and the entire house was bathed in this creepy yellowish green light.
And it looked cloudy outside.
I wanted a picture of the moon.
What is it mary?
You want the moon? I'll get you the moon. I'll throw a big lasso around it and pull it down for you. what do you say?
I'll take it |
| 49 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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Mermaid |
May 9th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I watched him drown. His skin clung to him. wrinkled and falling off his body.
trying to use and conserve energy at the same time.
relax
relax
relax
I've almost drowned twice. i used to think it would be peaceful.
I wish I were a mermaid sometimes |
| 42 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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Splatter |
May 8th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Ow. it hurts. it fucking hurts.
just a muscle? fucking idiot |
| 64 hit(s) |
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Seven days |
May 4th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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My heart sank deeper than the bottom of the mid-Atlantic trench |
| 53 hit(s) |
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WHY |
May 2nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Fun with Dick and Jane
Feeling: enraged
WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SO MUCH OF A BIGGER DEAL???????????????
I DIDNT GET HOSPITALIZED THIS TIME DID I?
OH NO. I BECOME A PRISONER.
HELD AGAINST MY FUCKING WILL BY MY OWN FAMILY.
AND NOW THEY'RE TELLING ME WHO I CAN AND CAN'T BE FIRENDS WITH?
WHAT THE HELL RIGHT DO THEY HAVE? i want to go upstairs and read.
I think i might.
BUT THIS IS PISSING ME OFF SO BAD.
DOING BETTER? I'M ONLY PRETENDING SO I CAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING BUTTERFLY IN A JAR.
no not a butterfly. they are too pretty.
I am a moth.
And... right now,
I really and truly detest him right now.
I just dont get where he comes off with it.
Yes, he's my father, but he doesnt know me as well as he thinks he does. he doesnt know her. he doesnt know the hell we've been through together.
He doesnt know that we are undetachable in a way. That this is a mutual effort, and dramatic changes have already been made.
But no.
He is dad.
EVERYTHING MUST BE HIS FUCKING WAY
I wonder if you can really see red, because the white on my screen has suddenly turned pinkish orange. |
| 64 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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potatoes |
May 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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It feels like old times, in a way.
A birthday
She's beginning at a strange place it seems.
It is dark, but I can hear everything. I can smell everything, feel everything... And I only took my pills 5 minutes ago...
So, I asked. We can die, but we can't sleep.
a resounding "no."
It felt like I was already falling there.
Dark corners, dirty hands, undersides of stairs. such a perfect hideaway.
I wish I had a word.
It felt like falling out of a dream. You could see for forever.
The world requires stupid girls to counteract stupid boys so that the smart people can excel.
I didnt do my english homework.
I am so out of it. I am..... inexplicable
I just.... want to go home.
Please? |
| 43 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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the artist's way |
May 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Rasputina
Feeling: lame
sure why not?
Caustic aquantances eh?
Well that is all sorted out.
things are going rather well. i have my PHONE BACK helllllllll yessssss, well i've had it since wednesday but i keep forgetting to mention it
Acception
THe time has come to call the doctor
I BETTER FUCKING BE GOING HOME THIS WEEK
Part of it is bullshit
part of it is really real
so let him pick the points out
i helped in a singing recital.
Mr fuller is hilariously abusive
eric there, dennis here, those two, my dads
watch the little red lights. figures in the blur.
what a lovely mess.
organized chaos |
| 48 hit(s) |
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Interruption |
April 29th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Zager and Evans: 2525
Feeling: overworked
Am I supposed to fucking give a SHIT?
I guess I missed that bulletin.
Yesterday was nice I guess. Interruption is constant, even after what she said to me.
I don't really care though.
I'm done caring.
I am me, If I have to fill out a fucking application to get away from the cafeteria,
FUCK THAT.
And he, oh he spaces off when I talk, and then he utters one fucking question in the middle of my sentence, and daddy dearest is all ears.
I just want to go home.......
Two weeks has been "a while."
being here is driving me fucking nuts. I'm tired of having no privacy, and having no idea what is going on in the world, being kept awake by their conversations and lights.
I live out of a box and off of a couch. golly gee, isn't that just lovely?
Well today I have nothing to do. And they will go out somewhere. I will stay.
Agenda:
read
computer
take pictures
paint
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| 52 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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Where to begin |
April 26th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Dresden Dolls: Slide
Feeling: thirsty
And yet, here he is.
Six feet away from me, making me hot chocolate.
An hour ago, I thought he was dead. I really and truly did.
There was no getting around it. I have never been so scared of a dream death before in my life.
I don't know what I would do if he were dead.
Shock... Isolation.
There would be no reason to associate with hardly anyone.
And it took me forever to realize that I was dreaming, and he'd be there when I woke up.
I am eternally grateful to my dad for wakign me up.
I looked down and saw him and my spirits rose like a fucking balloon. I had to give him a hug.
He laughed. "I'll never die." |
| 45 hit(s) |
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What's in a name |
April 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Recoil: Luscious Apparatus
Feeling: vamped
Do I even have a name anymore?
Because it doesn't feel like I do.
I am so tired of this.
My stupid father.
ANd now I've hurt eric.
Beyond...
I don't even know....... Is it betrayal to know what one is feeling when they won't willingly share it with you?
I never wanted to hurt anyone.
And now I am here alone with nobody around. Daddy trusted me to stay.
It's not like I have anything.
I want it. I know where it is.
But search your house, search all the places I keep shit.
You won't find anything.
Except maybe the pins I threw into the yard last night.
There is a gopher carcas.. well right now it is mostly a head and guts.
Something about me doesn't even want to move it. there is something that looks like a kidney in one place... it's lungs and brain are spilled out on the carpet. There is shit by it too... it's little legs are in random places.
It's eyes are hollow and closed, and it's teeth are really yellow. i took a stick and poked the liver lookng thing. it just about ruptured. it was creepy.
it smells bad. IT is shiny and bloody and I can see it. I wonder who killed it
But I don't want to move it. In some way, it should be left.
Daddy, I didn't see it.
 |
| 57 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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Evil Seagulls |
April 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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They eat the food you leave out for pidgeons and ducks.
I don't like them. GREEDY.
mine mine mine mine mine.
speaking of negative behaviors
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM
I HATE HIM
Anyway......
There was a crash. We were late to Heninger, so we only got 1/2 hour. I think it's lame.
I didn't get to say even half of what I wanted.
But fuck me and throw me off the roof.
oh well.
I'm just sick of it.
Arguement pursues tonight.
I am sure. As is mother dearest. Making it veeeeeeeryyyyyyyyy clear that I am not happy at his house and that I want to come home.
and that is where I am now, thankfully
Yesterday was nice. we spent the day at the park.
today the clouds were ugly and I'm in a foul mood.
I didn't know I was just six years old |
| 68 hit(s) |
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I WON |
April 22nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Five More Minutes
Feeling: groggy
yay I won the faggot internet server.
Go me.
YEsterday was nice.
I got to spend time with my mom.
I GOT A TRENCH COAT.
I have wanted one for like..... 6 years
I finally got one.
Yay.
My brother's friends are weird. but nice.
They mow lawns again. la la la. we went to seven eleven and got food. watched movies and played with a cheap talking ken doll that we found.
RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR HAIR
it was annoying me because when you'd set him down he would talk, so i took his batteries out.
Dad laughed at this.
he started singing Coin operated boy.
I didn't know he'd even paid that much attention to the concert.
Imagine my surprise.
I never get sleep anymore.
I take my trazodone, but I can't sleep.
It's too hot, and noisy. I can hear their muffled converations below me. It keeps me awake and annoys the shit out of me.
Go to bed at 2, wake up at 8. Ugh.
The idiot washed all my clothes so I am stuck in my PJs until they are finished drying.grrr.
but we had yummy french toast. and pears. and now i am bored. so i sit here talking to people and laughing at the goat noises and downloading music.
what at time it was it was the time it was...
|
| 54 hit(s) |
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I Always write right about now |
April 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Haha.
An elephant. and a ring.
woot woot.
I won ratscrew after loosing all of my cards within 5 minutes of gameplay. i only spent a dollar twenty five, and i got french fries, a frazil, and a brownie. Yay!
so... last night....
the sun'll come out tomorrow
put on a happy face
so i did. and the sun did come out.
but it is still all dark and murky inside right now.
i have no homework. i DO NOT want to sit at his fucking work for 3 or 4 hours AGAIN. I wanna stay either HOME HOME
or at his house.
Preferably HOME HOME.
I'm somewhat of a stooge I think...
maybe more than somewhat. but oh well.
Talk talk talk.
Such lovely communication.
Class is almost over.
Health is going to be probably lame. Then I get to beg my father to let me go home..
somewhere where i can take a nap.
I am fucking EXHAUSTED.
i got like... 2 or 3 hours of sleep. my head perpetually aches and my eyes are really sore.
i look like shit too, but what else is new?
Well.... ttfn that's all for now. |
| 55 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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bad day, good cd |
April 19th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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so i got my own actual copy of yes, virginia.
it is gooooood.
but today was a bad day after about... oh 6:00.
mom cleaned my room and it is all wonderful and beautiful, and we both remembered about the same time that ring said to us, sarah no go home.
FUCKING A.
Went to training table. silent.
i cried.
I WANT TO JUST GO HOME.
why can't i have the only thing i want right now?
why why why????
so we went home... i talked to mom.
"she was livid." she said.
she sat in her chair doing nothing.
i made her angry.
tehn she got angry when i couldnt find markers.
oh well. she found them. she calmed down.
i cried some more
because they yelled.
i hate it.
they all think i'm doing so well.
i'm sooooo not.
oh well. i get to do primal screams in a minute.
well.. that's about all i feel like or have time for writing today. |
| 46 hit(s) |
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Randomosity
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Computer Tech, Yet again |
April 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: keyboard clicking
Feeling: bored
This class is really pretty lame. I know how to use excel. Not really much of anything she taught me.
Drage is in here too. Eek!
I think she's mad at me.
I never went to those stupid FBLA meetings. Next year, I'll make her happy I suppose.
I shall give in to the parent's request for massive extra curriculars. Maybe.
Okay, and just for the record,
IT IS APRIL FUCKING 18th!!!!!
Okay, it is not supposed to snow two freaking inches on APRIL 18th!!!!!!!
But it is kind of nice. Cold, and annoying, but it does quiet things down a bit. I have a doctor's appointment tonight. I better get my cd tonight. Eric said I would. I trust his word.
But this class is lame. I have a couple things I have to finish for ms. Doutre but oh well.
Nothing much more to say.
Oh yeah, Sara is a whore. |
| 73 hit(s) |
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Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus |
April 17th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Up Hollow: Monster
Feeling: anxious
Hehehehehehehe.
Yes, Virginia comes out tomorrow. I will almost definitely get it.
HOORAY!
I am an advertisement. but what can I say? I love the dresden dolls and perhaps I am a little obsessive. But I got promised. and I am happy.
Because I get it tomorrow instead of a week from tomorrow.
Yay! |
| 63 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Randomosity
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Easter |
April 17th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Silence of the Lambs
Feeling: cold
Yesterday was okay.
Last easter was profiled on a different journal.
things were quite different. It makes me laugh in some pitiful way.
Easter always sucks in its own special little way.
I got to sleep in my own bed at my own house. With my own cat.
I woke up to this insane light pouring into my bedroom. my purple walls and my sky ceiling. it was really quite nice. it felt fresh, and strange.
it was obviously easter.
sat around with my mom and we watched disney movies. Tony woke up and we searched for our baskets.
Tony begged for hard clues. if we hadn't helped him he never would have even found it.
Mine were lyrics. i feel so childish searching for an easter basket.
But the candy is always a welcome treat.
And there was some fabulous stuff in it. Including my book and this cute little wire-y flower.
I made them pancakes. they actually tasted good. luck of the draw I guess. Hung around in my room, took a shower, searched for books and shit.
We got bored so we got dressed and went to find people. we couldn't find the fucking hutchings, which pissed us off pretty bad.
so we just went to grandmas.
i looked so weird yesetrday. so.. un me. i figured i'm never going to wear the shit again, so i just wore some jeans and a tank top and that gay little lacy sweater.
Only one black thing. Sara would be proud.
I don't know why things are strange. My diary is all fluffy and bright now. ooh woopdeedoo.
Grandma liked the way i looked which was kind of creepy. it was really windy yesterday. we found out that the hutchings went to JJs house. so we felt unwanted. so we met the dads at dees for dinner.
there is standing water all over the place. mini lakes on the side of the road.
it made me want to just go run through them.
got my shit and then came back to where i don't particularly want to be all that much. we sat and watched saw 2, finally finishing it. went to bed. dad found the pills in my box when he was doing a pokey check.
it makes me laugh. he didn't recognize the lortab.
HE THOUGHT THEY WERE FUCKING BREATHMINTS!!!!
we went to bed sort of late. it was really hot, then it got cold. the wind was blowing insanely hard and blowing the curtains around in the living room. the rain pelted my window like little bbs. they didn't make a watery noise. they hit like something solid.
i woke up at 8 and it was freezing. i closed my window and pulled the other two covers up.
it was still raining. i dozed off, woke up to see slush on my window, i dozed off again, and woke up then seeing snow sticking to my window, and covering the grass across the street.
Dad left. Eric and I are watching the Silence of the lambs. it makes growly farty noises.
it is cold here and i am bored. Eric does his morning pages, i nibble on the candy in my easter baskets and play with my wikki people.
They look like voodoo dolls.
Maybe I will tell Heninger. |
| 70 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Randomosity
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A trip down memory lane |
April 15th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: This Old House
Feeling: regretful
Pretty daffodil
So..... I wanted to sleep in today.
I didn't get to.
Last night was lame. Priscilla slept on my pillows. yay for me?
I ate poptarts and ripped uphollow.
Dad and I set out on our saturday morning adventure. Nothing worth buying at DI. we drove down state street, past eric, talking about food and how hungry we were for indian food.
We went down to where India house used to be, and found that it was still open. so we went in and had a fabulous lunch. tandoori chicken and naan and chicken curry and samosa.
YUUUUUM.
candied carroway seeds are so tasty.
Dad wanted ice cream, so we decided not to get the lovely mango stuff there and went to the arctic circle by the house in midvale.
It was so creepy driving down state street, back to wasatch. sitting at the light by seven eleven was positively unnerving. looking at trade winds, and remembering everything that's happened in that area over the course of nearly 16 years.
Went past coolidge, roosevelt, grant streets, and turned on olympus. what an unfamiliar sight, but a comforting one met my eyes. we drove by, i pointed out all kinds of things that had change,d people who lived different places.
the petersons still live next door to 266. lee's old truck was hitched to the falling apart trailor. so many memories. it hurts to think about them.
house, anastasia, being pelvically slammed into brandon, the tornado a mile away, spice girls concert, kissing chace in the closet.
sooo much. 12 years seems like such a long time and i know that in like ten or twenty years, i'll look back and think of it as a mere moment in time.
so we drove past. who ever is living in the house really loves it. went out past missy's house and the ward and mikey's house. people were mowing the lawn at zions bank. drove the little bit down center street, past where robyn used to live, past devin's house, i cant believe i remember him, and into the parking lot at arctic circle.
i almost couldn't go in. it was like every moment i'd spent before in that restaurant flooded back to me. it nearly knocked me over.
we got our shakes and sat and watched the train go by, listening to the constant whoosh of cars and the echo between what the guy at the drive up was saying, and when it came out the speaker to the customer. left, went past the creepy laundromat and family dollar, past the cabin.
dad checked out another house. where we would have turned was the street that led to the park. i asked dad if we could go sit there and eat our icecream. it makes me happy that they haven't further destroyed that playground. i just sort of stared nonchalantly out the window at the elementary school. i spent 7 years of my life at that school. i closed my eyes and i could see us running around the feild and searching for caterpillars in the bushes, and playing tag around the hexagonal pole, jumping in the huge dipped puddle, walking across the chalked on country, and flipping off the tall wavy bars. field day and ice sliding. Kyle and Mikey came to my mind. it made me smile a bit. and scream inside.
i remember playing baseball against the teachers at the diamond and actually winning. daddy finished what he wanted and we left, going west on center street. past the front of the elementary, memories of mine from each doorway..
kindergarten, first grade, sixth grade out front, third and fifth at the east end, 2nd on the far corner doors, and fourth out by the portables.
past catalpa street, casablanca, city hall.
all the places that stand out vividly in my mind.
i guess i was quiet on the way home. i was so deep in thought and wrapped up in those thoughts and memories that i didn't have any energy to talk. i just wanted to take a nap and cry.
but i don't want my father crowding around me, making sure i'm okay .
he doesn't know what is hidden.
for emergencies only.
we are going to dye eggs today. i want to spend the night at home. desperate for it. it is 5. eric will be home soon and then we can go home and boil and dye and paint eggs.
i dont know why. i don't think we're doing anything for easter or whatever. but oh well i guess. they like to eat the eggs, and i like to decorate them. i want to make a striped egg today.
we always have so much fun.
easter makes me feel like a little kid, and it makes me think of bubble-blowing lawnmowerse, egg hunts at grandma's and st. pats, and little three year old oohing and ahhing sounds.
cheerio. |
| 65 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Randomosity
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Spring Break |
April 13th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Uphollow
Feeling: melancholy
so..... the long weekend has arrived.
It is peaceful so far i guess.
Last night was bad though. Eric came in looking all pissed and then walked back out when he saw that dad was in the bathroom, still looking as pissed as before. then like 10 minutes later dad went outside to find him and they never returned. not until i had put my shoes on, wandered around the pitch black yard for 10 minutes.
i finally approached the den door, and i could hear disturbed voices. just voices. so i went back inside... i sat. and i cried.
i filled up the last 3 pages of my beautiful journal with not exactly happy thoughts. the pop didn't bruise the last time i looked. oh well. i turned on my screamy music and went to sleep. attempted anyway. i hated myself for crying. but i couldn't stop.
daddy came up and he held me and i guess i fell asleep in his arms, because i don't really remember all of what he said to me.
i woke up, my head throbbed. they woke me up. i just ate poptarts and thew on clothes.
my hair is still kinky from yesterday. but not as bad. nor as fluffy. i ate poptarts. eric went out into the den. perhaps i will sleep there tomorrow night.
we have to dye easter eggs on sunday.
dad told funny jokes last night.
-yo momma's so fat she had to be baptized in seaworld
-you momma's so fat that when she walked past the television, i missed THREE shows.
-needle dicked bug fucker.
they made me laugh.
i came to grandmas. i am supposed to be working on stupid wuthering heights, and i did. now i talk to people and mess with all kinds of shit. |
| 67 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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Restraints |
April 10th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: AC
Feeling: offended
ok... so i fucked up again. and now i am being made to stay at my dad's house. i don't know how long... and it sucks because there is no phone and hardly any computer. i am just supposed to be on myspace right now but... eh. you know how it goes i guess....
Same old me. same old shit.
but things are okay... i guess
they suck, but...
i'm getting better at the whole pretending thing. i'm going to wear my fun outfit soon.
my loft feels like an attic. i love it. it has carpet and blue paint and this awesome lamp that my greatgrandparents gave my grandma for her wedding.. and that was... fifty years ago. aye.
oh well for me. but i like it so... it kind of sucks sometimes being constantly surrounded by only my father...
and not necesarily the fun one
my grades suck, i'll give you that, but why must i read eight more hours of that stupid book when i have a c in that class without it? i've been working my ass off lately and all i get is another shove. eric is never home.
at least there are fuzzy ones here to love and play with. and a camera which i have basically free range over.
i get to cook ramen noodles tonight.
yay? |
| 54 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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FUCKING AWESOME |
April 4th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: weird wind shit
Feeling: exhausted
LAST NIGHT WAS FUCKING INSANELY AWESOME!!!
-got there early
-sat in line with fun people
-tony wore makeup
-the russian whore "bumped" dad ahahhaah
-grant let me put bright green eyeshadow on him
-one of the first ten people besides staff to get in
- it went stage, girl, me
-Got a fucking fabulous shirt
-ERIC called me and told me he was coming
-found out you COULD take pictures
-met a 17 looking 21 year old girl. she will send me pictures oooooh yes.
-lovely "orchid" came out and did a strip tease. down to nothin but her panties and pasties.
-opening band pretty damn good, Up Hollow.
CHECK THEM OUT BITCHES
-Great set
-Brian wore a kilt. hehehe and striped stockings.
-eric arrived and trusted me with ze almighty digital camera. it only held like 16 pictures though. :(
-i threw eric's resume thingy onstage. Amanda gave me kinda a weird look but I think she picked it up when they went off stage the first time.
-AWESOME SET:(what I can rmember anyway)missed me, coin operated boy, backstabber, pierre, bad habit, half jack, and for the encore, amanda did the Haleluja song. it was beautiful. Lighters and cellphones up everywhere and it was really nice.
they did good day. YAY!!. I kept singing to dad and eric and tony. it was just like way fucking cool that they all could come. mom would have died. Claustrophobia. oooh.
The last song they did was Sing, and its kind of weird to think that my mom actually heard that song before i did. but then that's when i was gone so yea.... it was great though. as the last note faded into the cigarette smoke filled air, eric grabbed my arm and dragged me to the entrance/exit and told me to stand "right here".
So I'm standing there, right next to the door as the two of them are leaving, and Brian comes around the corner and is shaking peoples hands.
I stuck my hand out and he fucking shook it.
I shook Brian Viglione's hand. Sigh.
Hehehe. so I tried to find christine and make sure i had her email right so that we can exchange the fabulous pics but I couldn't find her.
I was so hot and thirsty I begged dad and eric to take us somewhere to get drinks.
So dad took tony and eric took me and we went off.
Eric used fuck alot last night which was pretty unusual for him really. He made me slap his hand because he had a puff of a clove. he met the members of up hollow and just went on and on and on about how that had got to be one of the best showes he'd ever been to. (and that's really saying something)he said WAYYYYYYYY better than NIN, yet just barely not as good as duran duran.
so we talked and talked and talked. he got the uphollow cd and a DD live one.
La though.
Got home around 11:45 i guess. showed mom the pictures and took a shower.
and today i am exhausted. i fell asleep in math, in drama, in ASL, and almost on the bus. I'm so taking a nap later. hehehehe. |
| 64 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Randomosity
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CONCERTO |
April 3rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
YES YES YES!!!!!
ONLY 8 HOURS UNTIL
DRESDEN DOLLS |
| 48 hit(s) |
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Time Machine |
April 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Unwritten Law: She says
Feeling: ecstatic
You just fucking made my day.
It's raining and I'm at my dad's house.
incredibly... today just keeps getting better and better.
i'm not sure what could get better.
♥
woke up. mom was sick. i sat in my room, ate cereal, and then just strummed onthe guitar.
called dad and he came and got me.
we went to DI and i got 6 books.
Princess bride
phantom of the opera
music man
contact
notes to myself
are you out there, god?
So yes. and then we went to seven eleven and got crap to eat. drove around. went past tasha's house. it makes me sad...kind of.
but now wayyyyyyy happy.
I can't wait until the summer.
ONLY 2 MONTHS!!!!!!
So now I am at dad's house, downloading music and talking to natasha while dad watches time machine and tony plays car games. |
| 65 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Randomosity
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thirteen |
March 31st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
just because i got it out doesnt mean its gone.
okay?
i watched that movie today. i think it may have been a mistake...... i don't know. it slapped me in the face.
i am lost today.
again.
as usual.
mom is sick.
i'm getting there...
i don't know what's going on.
i might be in the newspaper.
yep... that's all |
| 42 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Randomosity
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...Lost |
March 28th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: We Like to Party
Feeling: patriotic
so... today was okay, all in all. english boring. i still hate that class.
chemistry was funny.
not fun...
funny
lunch. I'm not sure how to explain. I thought I saw her looking at me when I looked at her a few times.
But I tried not to. because it hurts.
And I fucked up but yeah.
I am out of chemistry with her, but I am now in computer tech with him.
ugh.
Not sure..
health was pretty fun.
Sabrina thinks i'm gorgeous which was a little weird but... the class was cool anyway.
turner is better than doutre.
and the class is easier to understand because you don't have to write down every word that comes out of turner's mouth.
So yeah.
I realized that I forgot my keys toward the end of class.
Amber says ArJay's been telling people I missed class because of her again. I don't know about that... And in retrospect, I guess it does have a bit to do with her.
OH well.
Its over. its done its past. but i don't know why i'm still holding onto it.....and now... well she pretty much hates me. or thinks i hate her. i'm not sure whether its either, or both.
Anyway, i rode the bus listening to heroine. great fucking cd. keisha was sad because i wouldn't sit in the back of the bus with her. I laugh.
Walked home in the rain. Richard was out talking to some guy and he said to me "raining raining raining. and more tomorrow" as he signed and i said "I know!" he said "youre learning sign? this year?" me: "yeah." "wow that's great." thank you. "you're welcome."
funness.
so... i dropped my backpack off under the carport where it was dry, pulled the chair over under my window, opened it, scared the shit out of my cat, took my hoody off, and jumped up and just kind of slid into my room.
Why is it that I forget my keys whenever I end up really needing to pee when I get home?
Hm. Karma? Irony? bad luck? they all seem to love me.
meh. i have alot of thinking to do. teenscope tomorrow. isnt tony great for letting me on?
and i saw him look for the password so now i know what it is ahhahahahahahhahahahahahha shhh.
people were weird today.
things are really diffrent. some are good... but a couple are bad. and i miss her in all honesty. but i don't want to be the one to break the ice again. besides, she's in a relationship.
... i am going to eat some rice krispies and go in my room and listen to music and light insence. read maybe. i'm hungry.
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| 68 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
Randomosity
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goddamnit |
March 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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why can't i just give up?
why do i have to care at all?
she thinks i want nothing to do with her.
she thinks i don't recognize her.
i do.
i'm just terrified of things becoming what they were before. i'm terrified of these feelings.
i don't want to hurt her or myself anymore. that's what i've been trying to do so hard these last 4 fucking weeks.
truth hurts... and i know/knew that. but it doesn't matter now.
because nothing will be the same
ever.
and there is nothing.
not really.
i don't know what... to do.
i'm not the one who wanted to change my classes.
with the way things were going, i figured i was unwanted, and then they all went and decided that it was schedule change for me.
and so now....
i have abandoned everything
but in a way not really.
i don't know what to do
i feel like i've fallen backwards and off of this mountain thing i've been on...
and i thought she was flipping me off.
she didn't look excited?
and she went crazy?
oh god what have i done?
and why do i care?
i thought i had shut it off.
oh well.... i don't know what to say to her atall.
since i have no classes with her, i dont know when i can say anything to her.
and... just godfuckingdamnit..
i did love her... i thought there was no hope in it. if she did love me, she never acted on it.
oh my god.
how do i tell her why i'm crying? |
| 75 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Randomosity
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1/2 way to the kickass shoes |
March 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: she wants revenge
Feeling: bewildered
as I whisper in your ear...
I
WANT
TO
FUCKING
TEAR
YOU
APART
X/3 |
| 74 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
Randomosity
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Mortal |
March 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Life on the Murderscene
Feeling: melancholy
so the last couple days have been okay.
thursday was lamey. i just went up to teenscope. dad got me my boots so that was pretty damn kickass.
yesterday really was a good day.
Written yesterday at 11:11 PM:
Friday, March 24, 2006
Okay, so it wasn’t that Bad.
Today was pretty good actually. They made a deal with me last night that if I go to school Monday and Tuesday that I could stay home today. I don’t remember if I wrote that down last night or not, but I don’t really feel like scrolling back up and finding out. So oh well I guess.
But I got to sleep in a bit and woke up around 9:30 or something I guess. Randomly hung around for a while… ate some chocolate and played on mom’s guitar. It was okayishly in tune… and I can almost do the chord transitions smoothly. Emphasis on almost…
Around 11 I guess, mom came in and told me to get ready and that we’d be setting off soon. So we got all ready and all that jazz and we set off for our voyage to park city. We stopped at Conoco to get a carwash. They sold me an expired limeade so I got a free exchange for a vault. Muahaha! Go us.
I sat up front and played dj the whole time. we drove up Parley’s canyon and it was a lovely little drive. There is a shit load of snow up there still… we got off the freeway in Kimball Junction and drove around a bit looking for somewhere to eat. We ended up at a JBs in the lobby of a best western hotel. It was reallllly shitty, let me tell you. we made a conscious mental note that we would not be spending time or money there anymore. When we were done there, we went down the street to the factory stores village thing… I’m not really sure what else to call it. VANS was pretty easy to find, which was nice. So we walked in, and first off I asked them if they had any Kyleys in stock. The girl said they didn’t carry them anymore which kind of made me sad. So I wandered a bit trying to find something decent or that I I liked at all. It wasn’t easy. Some of them were cool but I didn’t like the color or they didn’t have my size. One of the cool ones were black and “gargoyle” gray. I liked them but the sizes went… 7 ½ and the next size was an 8 ½. I was beginning to get annoyed when I was looking at the clearance sale wall or whatever it was and there still wasn’t much cool there to go for. So mom came over and watched me in my frustration and then called the girl over again and asked what would be closest in style and fit to a Kyley. She recommended either Bashas or GIas. The bashas were pretty comfy, they just didn’t come in totally black. Then she found me a pair of the GIas in size 8. I took one shoe and compared it to one of my vans ones. The bottoms match PERFECTLY. Same contours and design and everything. And they really are quite comfortable. I didn’t like the bashas as much so I decided to take the gias instead. There were these really cool red and black checkered slip ons that I liked so I took them and tried them on. They fit wonderfully as well and made me happy.
So I ended up with two lovely pairs of shoes and Tony got one too. Then we left and drove around, nothing really to our liking, so we went across the highway and looked at what was there, same kind of thing. Mom decided we were going to actually go to PARK CITY, so we got on the highway and headed for main street. There’s a mount aire café there. I thought it closed. The one in Kamus did anyway. So that was kind of weird. Main street was cool. It brings back memories, although mom says I haven’t been there since I was only a few months old. That makes me laugh… because I usually have a pretty damn good memory. We went back to Kimball junction and got starbucks and sat outside in the gorgeous weather and drank our coffee and watched the skiers come down the slopes, moving at what seemed a speed of which paper would glide through the air. It was so beautiful outside. We decided we were done there pretty soon after, so we left and headed back down the canyon.
The runaway trucks scare the shit out of me… or the story that mom told.
The drivers in utah are fucking stupid and I hate them usually. I also don’t particularly care for going down the canyon. I hate when my ears need to and or wont pop. Airplanes too I guess. But they are funner than streets and inclines so yeah. There are so many good memories of travel up the mountains and stuff. I really hope we can go to Seattle for spring break. I don’t think its going to happen, but you never know. Miller thinks it would be good for me to get out of the state. So if we don’t go to Seattle, I hope we can go to like Vegas or something fun like that.
Tony wanted to go to Hightland cyclery to get this kit, and I watned to go to best buy to get cd things. They didn’t have the kit there that he wanted so he was all put out.
So we went down to 21st and down to the best buy. It smells so strange in best buy stores and I can’t quite identify what it is or why it smells and feels like that.
I immediately headed for the cds. I grabbed Hawthorne If only you were lonely, Heroine (FFTL), and Life on the murder scene (MCR). I wandered… had it in my mind to buy Peter, Paul, and Mary, but they had nothing in any of the places I expected it to be, which made me mad and sad at the same time. I found Weezer, even though they didn’t have the rob zombie cd with foxy foxy on it. I felt like kind of meh about most of it. I found a couple soundtracks, and Hinder was on sale so I got that. I chose Chicago over grease. In retrospect, lovely idea.
Mom found me and I showed her what I found. I ended up with Chicago, FFTL, mcr, and hinder. Almost got the sixth princess diaries instead of MCR. But I knew that if I got it now I’d read that instead of reading Wuthering Heights which I am supposed to read at least an hour of each day. Tony got another game for his computer. Mom bought bedknobs and broomsticks, aristocats, princess bride, and something called the gnome mobile. I am curious but frightened at the same time… oh well.
We checked out.
Blasted Chicago on the way home. Mom is glad I got it too. We stopped at sev and got food. Watched aristo when we got home. I finished eating and just sort of went, “sigh… I should probably go do my homework now huh?” mom agreed, so I did everything I’d planned on doing today. Except the second hour of reading.
I had planned for today, the tobacco ad, both journals, thermo-chemistry illustration, two pages of math, and two hours of reading.
I did all but the second hour. I was so exhausted by the time I finished the first that the thought of doing the second one and reading until 10:30 disgusted me and made me want to roll over and close my eyes and just fall asleep. I listened to Hinder. It is good. Yay! Hung in the living room for a while. Took awesome pictures of myself holding the labyrinth orb on my wall. Hhehe. It makes me laugh. Iris went inside when I took my shoes out to try them on and make sure they were all good. She just started attacking me and the shoe box.
I love that cat so much.
We goofed around. I got extremely tired, so I took a shower and took my meds and came in here.
I watched part of the murderscene diary, which is really good, but I decided that I really did need to write about today..
And the fact that even though today was insanely fabulous, I still feel kind of down, I’m still incredibly more satisfied when I can bleed and feel something besides emotional turmoil and pain and all that siht.
I don’t get to go back to teenscope until Wednesday. It kind of sucks.
And I can’t have the checkered shoes unless I go to school on both Monday and Tuesday. Damn my mother and her wicked insurance.
Hooray for my new music though. Only one I watned that I didn’t’ get. So hehehe. I will download the songs tomorrow if I can figure out what all is on it and yeah.
But I am exhausted. My eyes are drooping as I type.
Why is it that whenever I end up expressing myself here that I totally feel drained and exhausted?
I don’t know.
Oh well. I am fucked there.
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| 110 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Randomosity
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sneaky |
March 22nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be…. At least I didn’t see HER. I don’t think ia could have handled it if I’d seen her. Nope… no fucking way. I could barely handle the thought of not being able to immediately change my schedule.
But the good news is, Gonzales thinks I’m smart. He’s surprised that I’m in all honors classes and that it was as easy to make schedule change notations and that I had planned it and knew I could change the class but keep the teachers.
Oooh. It’s so scary. Whoop-dee-doo.
CURRENT SCHEDULE:
1. American Sign Language
2. Intermediate Algebra Honors
3. Theater 2
4. Computer Technology
5. Health
6. World Studies Honors
7. Chemistry Honors
8. English 3-4 Honors
WHAT I WANT/WHAT I’M GETTING
1. World Studies Honors
2. Intermediate Algebra Honors
3. Theatre 2
4. American Sign Language
5. English 3-4 Honors
6. Chemistry Honors
7. Computer Technology
8. Health
YAY ME!!!
I am so “mart”. As heather would put it. We all know I’m not, but for some idiotic reason, they keep insisting that I am. I think they’re full of shit, to put it bluntly. I just don’t exactly care…
About really anything.
But I am happy. Because I have stayed the whole day, which means I GET MY FUCKING COMBAT BOOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy said “what goal do you want to work towards to earn them?
School on Wednesday.
“okay.”
So yay for me. I have been here from 7:28 and I won’t be leaving until probably 2:15… ish.
In some respects it’s good that I am behind in class. I have nothing to do. I have no work to complete for the day. Besides, I don’t really care if I fail.
But today has been decent I guess.
Wilde seems really concerned. She froze/excused my grades and I’m ending up with an A in that class. Algebra is just lame. I played with my fridge and drew pictures while Bullock talked. Every 10 minutes or so I’d pay attention, and jot down what he’d written on the board. I sort of get it. I have to work through what I’ve missed to fully understand it now so…… After math I headed to the counseling center and sat down with mom and Gonzales to talk about the schedule change and get a bit deeper into what’s up with me and all that jazz. So my schedule will be changed by Monday, which is the beginning of the fourth quarter (holy shit this year has gone by fasssst), and all I have to do is walk in, get it, and hustle off to my classes of the day.
Another plus. Monday is a red day.
Drama was interesting. I just watched people do their monologues and a couple scenes. WL people are doing a scene that Scott and people did last year. It makes me laugh. Its kind of dumb but … uh oh well.
Drage has gotten WAY fucking strict. I don’t think I like it that much anymore. Another oh well surfaces.
No internet sneakies. I feel like a blubbering idiot today. Oh well. Let’s see if I can’t manage to get this up.
Mom is coming to pick me up THANK GOD!
I guess today is going well, eh?
yay me i am sneaky! |
| 81 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
Randomosity
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FUck you |
March 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: good eats
Feeling: agitated
Goddamnit. so they take away my fucking coping method.
nice.
take away computer priveleges.
i've been unsafe but you don't know ahahahahaha.
and i'm pissed.
you take my laptop
you take my clippers
and what's just fucking retarded is the fact that you take my box of pins, but you leave EVERYTHING in my walls.
Duh.
So anyway. st patty's day was pretty fun.
i bought a freaky outfit with dad...
yesterday we ate corned beef and cabbage. which was nice but yeah.
i have to go back to school on wednesday.
but hey, if i do, i get COMBAT BOOTS
ta ta. on again when i can be |
| 78 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
Randomosity
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Headache |
March 13th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Feeling: disoriented
... so... I guess I'm back. I hope I stay.
Only a week and then I can be free.
I'm falling back into life
Falling back into everything that was here before I had to leave...
I don't even know how to begin this... story... saga... whatever it is.
I really don't.
11 days in a fucking hospital.
Completely cut off from the outside world.
Pills to make me sleep
Pills to make me happy.
No music
no belts
no strings of any kind
writing constantly with golf pencils
no time to your fucking self
can't read what i want to.
Can't hug them goodbye when they tell me i'm okay to go home.
Crazy fucking people in the time out room, screaming at the top of their lungs, pouding on the doors.
Jazzy almost cried.
Meddy didn't really care.
Brittany cared more than I thought she would.
I have to go to teenscope tomorrow.
They want me to go to school on Wednesday. 2 weeks...
abandoned.
NOBODY EVEN FUCKING CARES ANYMORE
at least it seems that way.
And I don't know what to do.
I get to sleep in darkness tonight.
I am home... happy to be here.
yet at the same time... I feel like I'm in some kind of a surreal dream.
Like I fell into some kind of nightmare that I couldnt escape for 11 days.
But...
I feel like I'm spinning.
and I don't even fucking know why.
I just want to sleep.
I want to wake up and have things be....
perfect. |
| 72 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
Randomosity
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Exorcism |
March 2nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
I don't know what is going on. I don't know what will happen......
I have ruined everything.
My life... my future...
the only friendship that currently matters....
But it doesn't...
I said I loved her. she confused me, told me she wanted nothing more than to BE friends, and then (and yes I know she told me it was going to hurt) it felt like she just ripped my heart out.
I could not stop fucking bawling.
WHy do I let things get to me?
Why do I feel so fucking deeply?
It never matters.
I cried... and mommy came home.
Then dad came... he knelt next to me while I cried... he read the last little pieces of what I said to her.....
and he stayed
I have never been able to cry to my daddy before....
Everything hurts....
Hope is a waking dream.
It was all that was making me want to stay...
and now...
I just wish there were some way to instantaneously fall out of love with someone.
I spent almost 3 hours crying.... half of that time I had someone next tome.... but... I felt like just collapsing.
I was so fucking exhausted.
I had to tell dad about the "poking".
he cried too... he looked me in the eyes and said "don't hurt my precious baby sarahjane. I love her and this isn't her."
SHE CALLED ME SHE FUCKING JUST CALLED ME. "WHERE ARE YOU TODAY?"
HOME
"WHY"
BECAUSE MY MOM WANTED ME TO STAY HOME.
"OH. I HAD SOMETHING FOR YOU BUT... NEVERMIND."
....
How can I be so angry at her for caring?
I can text that person and say "if she wants to give me something, she can bring it to me can't she?"
***
HE cried though... I've only ever seen him cry once before.
When i calmed down enough to stop... promised tha tI would write something to him EVERYDAY...
I went out and hugged mom.
"do I need to take you up to UNI?"
I dont know... I just don't trust myself to be alone right now.
So she made me sleep on teh couch.
SHe slept in the living room, watching over me,
freaking out at me any time I would go to the bathroom and when I tried to go to my room to sleep because she was snoring and it sounded like a fucking train.
I got maybe 4 hours of sleep.
I woke up to her telling me to stay home, basically. It was ten to seven and there was no way I could have been up and ready to leave by the time I would have needed to be.
I still had yesterdays hairspray in my hair...
She sat down and made me promise not to do anything, and got angry when I wanted to go in my room to get some decent sleep.
but i did anyway. she came in and gave me a hug and left.
I broke my promise to her as soon as I heard tony shutting the door 1/2 an hour later.
THen I watched emily rose and talked to Hyrum.
HE loves me he says.
I can't believe anyone when they say that. |
| 71 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
Randomosity
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