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Val MMM

Age: 21

Sex: girl

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shank	2:21am

Thanks Dad August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm

Listening to: She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5

Feeling: twisted

I worked out in the gymn today. Okay fun.

I didn't mention that now that my dad is married to Donna the crush of my life and I are related. lol Donna is his aunt. I guess it doesn't count but still kinda weird seeing him around all the time.

Anyway, I'm exhausted, my room is a mess (disaster zone), and I think I re-sprained my ankle. My life is going so well right now. :-)

Aside from my crush now being my cousin, I am hyped about my dad's marriage. The more I think about it the better I feel. Donna is a super generous and caring person and her kids are great. Next summer I'll get to go on their annual 3 week beach vacation and Christmas will be like insanely wonderful. My quality of life is sky-rocketing. Thanks Dad!

Sidenote: I bet no one knows who the guy is. The person who does is probably my soulmate. :-)

Sidenote #2: A dear friend of mine now has a diary on here. I command you guys to check it out: shayval04. :-)

Sidenote #3: Spaz- someone who thinks irrationally and is giving you a hard time, usually about someting insignificant, or someone who generally randomly overreacts-Me

Disregard this. (I'm just making sure I remember this site.)
http://www.obeygiant.com/bootleg-04.html

154 hit(s) (5 comments) | Talk to Me

V Back? March 27th, 2006 @ 12:00am

Listening to: I Heart Huckabees

Feeling: happy

Am I back? No, not today but maybe next week. We'll see. I'll be in a different state in both metaphorical and literal senses. The big sitd comeback is in the works. Straight up.

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Emphasizing the Intuitive October 23rd, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Ginger Snaps 2: The Curse

Feeling: genki

Nous devons sauver l'arbres.

Nous devons sauver la terre.

102 hit(s) (1 comments) | Talk to Me

Gratuitous Nudity June 27th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Some Dumb Morning News Program

Feeling: patient

Last night was a good night. I stayed up till three watching this really thought-provoking and just plain perverted movie called The Dreamers. Not something you would want to watch with your parents. Gratuitous nudity, incest, French people. It's got it all. Anyway, I sat in the floor while watching for no other reason then I haven't sat in the floor for a very long time. There's something about siting on the floor that makes you very aware of your body. I like to lay on my stomach and feel the wood pressing into my ribs or maybe its the other way around. It's nice. Anyway, the movie was good and when it was over I couldn't sleep so I thought about when I would meet the love of my life and what the situation would be. I came up with three years from now in New York City on my way to the Met. It sounds awful romantic to me. I'll try my best to make it happen.

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Just the Other Night June 20th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Garth

Feeling: regretful

I'm writing again. On paper. Poems written on computer screens suck. They reflect the shallow-ness of my computer life. So the poems on paper are not so good but they are real. The poems on paper are real because my soul controls my standard bic blue pen and they are real because sometimes (sometimes) when I read them aloud they are their own little country.

Yesterday I saw the beginings of crows feet and realized that in less than ten years I will be 30. Four hours later I put highlights in my hair and decided to start yoga again. Despite the fact that I think vainity is wrong, I am vain. And I can't help put obsess over my appearance. I can blame society's propensity for judgement but I won't. It's not the reason. I very simply enjoy looking my best.

127 hit(s) (1 comments) | Talk to Me

Blow-Hole May 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: "Like Humans Do" - David Bryne

Feeling: effervescent

I'm really very tired of this. I will not feel bad about being me. If someone doesn't like it they can blow it out their blow-hole. I will not spend every second of my life defending who I am or what I believe in. I will not. I know that respect is something you earn so I'm going to earn it. How? By standing up for myself. By doing something for the world. By being me. Everything is going to catch up. I'm just a little ahead of the schedule. And I'm stretching myself a little thin emotionally. And I always do so it's okay for me. It's a feeling that I know. That I'm used to and even welcome. I long ago realized that my life is not like everyone else's. And I have a love/hate relationship with my neurosis. It's just part of me. When I find a guy who deserves my time I'll share all of this and maybe he'll find it cute and maybe he'll run. Whatever happens it won't matter.

201 hit(s) (2 comments) | Talk to Me

Here I Am, World May 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Watching Designing Women

Feeling: alive

I can't do it anymore. Not another second. Not another day. Not another hour. No. I can't. I will no longer waste my time on this. I'm tired from tihs constant cherade. This is not who I am. I don't have stick straight hair. I don't enjoy intellectual television. I don't feel happy all the time. I have a horrible temper. And I like it. Get ready world because I'm not hiding anymore. Finally (finally!) I'm not going to hide myself. Why is it so important to me to be accepted? No reason. Blah. I'm through with it.

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Up Beat Bitches April 15th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Velvet Revolver -

Feeling: edgy

I'm not having a good day. The fact that I was up until this morning isn't helping and that my sister is late picking me up. I'm trying not to concentrate on the bad. I used to be so freakin, annoyingly up-beat. Now I realize why most of my friends from high school aren't my friends anymore. I'm a totally different person. I guess death does that to you. Makes you notice the bad. Mutilates your heart so it doesn't beat as fast.

I wrote thirteen pages this morning. That's a lot for me. Maybe that's why I'm feeling down. It's draining. And I can never seem to be happy if I'm creating something.

104 hit(s) (2 comments) | Talk to Me

Fucking Fantastic April 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: "If I Had No Loot" - Tony! Tony! Tone!

Feeling: alive

I'm listening to a CD that I borrowed from my cousin about two years ago. Some day I'll return it. Anyway, it's Monsta Jams. It's funny that I used to seriously love all the songs on it.

It's 6:52 am and I've been up all night. I like the feeling. I can beat Sleep. He cannot make me fall. Ha, I win!

No one comments on this diary. I like that. It's nice to have something just for myself. I guess I could make this one private but I'm vain enough to let someone read it if they stumble onto it.

Anyway, I'm feeling fuckin great today. Not body-wise but mentally. I'm looking forward to my life. I'm not feeling lonely. I'm the only company I need. Fucking fantastic.

107 hit(s) (1 comments) | Talk to Me

Complete With Footnotes April 6th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Hey Lover - L

Feeling: famished

"...It was during dinner that my original impression of our younger hostess began to change. Yes, very definitely an understanding existed between Jake and this lady. They were lovers. And watching her more attentively, seeing her, as it were, through Jake's eyes, I began to appreciate his unmistakable sensual interest. True, her face was flawed, but her figure, displayed in a close-fitting grey jersey dress, was adequate, not bad really; and she acted as though it was sensational: a rival to the sexiest film star imaginable. The sway of her hips, the loose movements of her fruity breasts, her contralto voice, the fragility of her hand-gestures: all ultra seductive, ultra feminine without being effeminate. Her power resided in her attitude: she behaved as though she believed she was irresistable; and whatever her oppportunities may have been, the style of the woman implied an erotic history complete with footnotes."

-From Truman Capote's "Handcarved Coffins"

I love that. That is what writing really is. Catch you and hook you and then a finishing line that makes you remember. Fantastic.

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Revamping March 31st, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Paradise By the Dashboard Light- Meatloaf

Feeling: vexed

"What Do Women Want?"
Kim Addonizio

I want a red dress.
I want it flimsy and cheap,
I want it too tight, I want to wear it
until someone tears it off me.
I want it sleeveless and backless,
this dress, so no one has to guess
what's underneath. I want to walk down
the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store
with all those keys glittering in the window,
past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old
donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers
slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,
hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.
I want to walk like I'm the only
woman on earth and I can have my pick.
I want that red dress bad.
I want it to confirm
your worst fears about me,
to show you how little I care about you
or anything except what
I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment
from its hanger like I'm choosing a body
to carry me into this world, through
the birth-cries and the love-cries too,
and I'll wear it like bones, like skin,
it'll be the goddamned
dress they bury me in.

85 hit(s) (1 comments) | Talk to Me

Take It Slow March 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: OAR

Feeling: hellagood

I'm reading I, Robot by Isaac Asimov right now. I don't have to say that's wonderful. I like the name Isaac (even though it's one of those names that has two letters but doesn't need them).

I'm going to continue updating this diary and maybe make a switch back permanently. Although constant switching does lead to less comments because people loose you and I am a comment whore so we'll see.

I'm listening to OAR again. It's not just fraternity crap. I'm into it. And its speaking volumes to me.

Today is Friday and I'm going to hang out with my dad and sister. I know that sounds lame but my dad can be hilarious (when he's not being a jerk) and my sister is my best friend so it'll be a good time. Maybe we'll listen to some CCR on the drive and chill out. Maybe I'll delete this entry tonight because it is totally stupid.

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Grease is the Word March 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Feeling: reluctant

My main diary is still valleycat but I thought I should continue with this one since it's still mine. I'm on spring break right now and haven't updated in a week. It's refreshing. My birthday is tomorrow. 20. Ah.

111 hit(s) (3 comments) | Talk to Me

The Whole Cake December 6th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Silence

Feeling: fabulous

My one-year annivesary is coming up on December 11th. I'm excited. I wish I could have some kind of sitD party and invite all my sitD friends. But alas, I'll just have to eat the whole cake myself. :-P

Remember that my new diary is valleycat so go to it!

124 hit(s) (3 comments) | Talk to Me

Surely Switching December 3rd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Silence

Feeling: hellagood

I'm slowing but surely switching over to my new diary: valleycat. So go there if you wish to read today's entry please. Thank you. :-)

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Dreaming of Slash December 2nd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Slither - Velvet Revolver

Feeling: frazzled

I interview for the ski resort job this afternoon. Wish me luck. But I think I'm a shoe in so it'll be easy-peasy.

Last night I watched a show on Velvet Relvolver and then had crazy Slash dreams all night. It was quite fantastic. Anyway, they'll be more later, after the interview.

Later...

I got the job! Yay! for me. I'm a Group Sales Associate. Ha ha ha. A real job at a ski resort. I thought I'd be a housekeeper or something. It's freakin great to be employed. :-)

116 hit(s) (9 comments) | Talk to Me

Thank You, Thanksgiving! November 29th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Annoying Pop of Gum

Feeling: worn

Hello Lovelies!
I am back from Thanksgiving Break feeling alive and well and 10 pounds heavier. But I'm sure the weight'll slide off as soon as it sees that I have 5 finals and 0 time to study.

Okay, here's a rundown of my week at my new home (it's my first week staying at my dad's wife's house):
Monday: Slept in (10 am), found a renewed love of food that contains meat, and decided to apply for a job at a local ski resort.
Tuesday: Stayed at Jenn's, dyed my blonde-brown hair dark brown, watched a scary movie, and lost an earring back.
Wednesday: Preparation for Thanksgiving. Helped make a potato salad and ate a wonderfully fresh Moon Pie.
Thursday: Got up late, watched the old Dr. Dolittle, ate three dinners and celebrated my sister's b-day.
Friday: Really slept in and did nothing except buy gigantic gift bags at the Dollar Tree
The Weekend: NOTHING :-)

I promised myself that I would have the best Thanksgiving of my life and I did. That's what positive thinking will get you. Even though my mom is gone I felt her there with me more than usual. I'm going to have the same attitude with Christmas.

And I thought all those positive thinking books were crap...

111 hit(s) (4 comments) | Talk to Me

Thanksgiving November 23rd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Country Crap on Cousin's Computer

Feeling: old

Sorry that I haven't been on. My dad's computer is not working. Blah. This week so far has been great. Tonight I'm making a run to Richmond with my Aunt Carol so it should be fun. Anyway, I can't be on long. So happy Thanksgiving Darlings!

119 hit(s) (3 comments) | Talk to Me

Val's Manifesto November 17th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: enlightened

I just got back from a Chemistry exam. It was the kind of test that makes you want to commit suicide afterward. Enough said on that.

Jhonna, Nick, and I are going to Tennessee this weekend to celebrate an early Thanksgiving with family. It'll be semi-fun.

Last night I started writing a manifesto type thing. Well, more like a credo. I'm kind of declaring war on my boring and unimportant life and changing it. Why am I sitting here everyday whining about being lonely or depressed or whatever? I could be doing something about it. I know that you can do anything you want as long as you want it bad enough. It's just a matter of finding the right motivation. I am no longer scared of failing because I won't. I won't let myself fail. Simple as that. I will be a published writer because I have it in me. I'm not going to waste my life doing what my family thinks is right for me. They don't even know me! If there's one thing I've learned the hard way it's that the only person you can trust is yourself. So starting now I am trusting myself to know what I can do and what I can't.

To family: I cannot be a lawyer, accountant, or politician. It's simple like that. I just can't.

The Next Day...
I didn't feel like writing a new entry and I like this entry so I'll write on it for a couple days.

Today is Thursday and tomorrow's Friday and before you know it, it'll be the year 2020 and you'll be married with brat kids and you'll forget all the dreams you used to have and you'll just be living day to day, wondering why nothing has meaning anymore. And its inevitable (unless you become super-famous and even then it might happen) so why not live your life right now? Today instead of tomorrow. Stop waiting for life to happen to you and make it happen.

My new motto: I'll sleep when I'm dead.

P.S. The pic is from the January 19th 1982 issue of Soap Opera Digest. I thought I'd post it since the originial super couple's aniversary was just the other day. (Forget Bennifer and all that crap, soap's invented super couples!)

136 hit(s) (8 comments) | Talk to Me

Igby Goes Down November 15th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of the Keyboard

Feeling: whatever

It was a long weekend. Long and boring so I won't say anything else about it.

One week left until Thanksgiving Break. Big woo hoo. I'm tired of school. I have four tests this week. My professors are bastards.

I watched Igby Goes Down this weekend. I've seen it before. It's a great movie. Not something you would want to watch with your dad and step-mom or small children though. Just a warning.

I'm reading Sex and the City (the book came before the show). It's amazingly good. I thought it'd be like a cheap sex book but nope. :-)

The bus driver that drove me to school for 7 years died last week. He had a heart attack while driving the bus (no kids were on it) and crashed into a house.

111 hit(s) (2 comments) | Talk to Me

Sickeningly Like Monday November 10th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of the Keyboard

Feeling: weird

We played volleyball in gym today. It was really horrible until I started playing well. I scored like 10 points for the team. Woo hoo!

I hate Wednesdays. They are full of the promise of weekend but sickeningly like Monday. Blah.

This evening I will attempt to write five more pages on a short story I started last week. I hate writing. It's like I pull everything out of myself and put it on this screen to examine and I come up short every time.

I realized yesterday that I am not depressed. I'm simply bi-polar and having a low point. I will get over it and be my normal sarcastic, but cheery, self. I'm sure.

I will be published, no matter what. I will be published. Once more with feeling, I will be published. Take that, Low Self Esteem!

111 hit(s) (13 comments) | Talk to Me

RC and Moonpies November 9th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: fabulous

I have five minutes to write this until I go to Business class, which I like to call Hell.

The weekend was fabulous except for the extra long time I had to spend with my step-dad on Sunday.

Yesterday was typical 4-Hour-Chem-Lab day. Exhausting and boring but I lived and I also learned that Thanksgiving is only a couple weeks away. So big, fat YAY!

I'm drinking RC right now. It's guarenteed to have a great taste or they'll refund your money. It's the best cola made. It doesn't make your teeth all sticky and plaque-infested. More later...

Later...
I'm eating an apple right now. I wish I had a moonpie.

During Psychology class I thought that I need to do more exciting things. Like stuff when I look back I'll be proud that I did. Like winning awards or meeting someone important. What are some exciting things you guys have done?

137 hit(s) (15 comments) | Talk to Me

Friggin' Freezin' Friday November 5th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: cold

It's another ice-cold-freezing Friday. Don't you love it when you forget your winter coat at home and the wind cuts through your thin hoodie? I sure do.

I hope it snows soon.

I'm spending my weekend studying for Chemistry. Big fun. Big test next Wednesday. I'm the worst student ever.

Yesterday I avoided the computer lab so I wouldn't have to see the weirdo who escaladed to touching himself last week.

Did you guys know that I can basically quote the entire "Pee Wee's Biggest Adventure" movie? Well, I can and I was thinking in Chem today that the love of my life will have to be someone I can quote Pee Wee to and not get looked at like I'm a psychopath. The subtle nuances of humor in that movie... Ah, a masterpiece.

110 hit(s) (4 comments) | Talk to Me

Blisters, Splinters, and Scheduling... Oh My! November 3rd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of the Keyboard

Feeling: alright

Yesterday evening I went over to my Aunt Dana's house. I raked leaves for her and cleaned this wooden shelf that was covered in dust. I have 5 blisters and 7 splinters. My hands do not fill very well.

This morning I woke up late and discovered that my closet would not open no matter how hard I pulled, pushed, wiggled, or shook it. My sister came up, turned the knob and it opened. It would have been comical if I didn't look like a spaz.

I scheduled my classes today. I have Speech and Speech Lab, English 203, Geology 202 and GEOL 202 Lab, an intro Education course (in case I want to be a teacher), and Accounting 207. A total of 17 hours. And I found out I am just barely a sophmore so woo hoo on that.

Bush won. I'm disappointed and more than a little sad. I voted for Kerry so I'm disheartened that Bush won my state (WV). I was looking forward to being smug around my idiotic family and that stupid girl in Chem class that is forever talking about how Bush is a devoted Christian. How the Hell does she know if he is or isn't? Last time I checked that was something you could easily lie about.

Anyway, I'm going to take it easy today. Watch some General Hospital. Shave my legs. Drink some dark soda (I've been keeping my liquids light colored per my doctor's instructions).

138 hit(s) (15 comments) | Talk to Me

Life Accomplishments November 2nd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: down

Life Accomplishments:

I took karate for a couple years, earned a yellow belt, and gained a little self-respect.

I completed a trilogy of sci-fi novels by the time I turned 15.

I ran a 10 minute mile {which is pretty damn good for me}.

I submitted 5 works of art to a county show and won 3 awards.

I was 40 out of a class of 340 {also pretty damn good}.

I can make quiche.

I was on a softball team that was 3rd in the state.

I can speak French adequately.

I made straight A's in every class in high school.

I own 103 pairs of shoes and 47 purses.

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Bought in Bulk November 1st, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of the Keyboard

Feeling: better

The weekend was a fabulous example of what can happen when you get along with your step-family. We watched scary movies, bought bulk items at the new Sam's Club, moved furniture, made candy, washed the dog... Great times.

I can't wait for the elections to be over. Everyone is so keyed up about it. My dad is about to short circuit.

Let's see, what else... I can't think. More later...

Later on that same day...
Chem Lab was Hell (like usual). Dinner was Ramen noodles (like usual).

Jennifer (my old roommate) cam by and we made signs for her little sis (she's in a sorority).

And I am using (parenthesis) way too much.

139 hit(s) (7 comments) | Talk to Me

Newborn Name Napper October 28th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Maniac Breathing of a Computer Lab Mate

Feeling: alright

I'm feeling a little better today about things. I realized that no matter how hard I push myself, I'm not going to be able to just pick a major. I need time to mull it over and I'm sure it'll come to me.

I'm exquisitely happy that Juliette and I are friends again. I felt so guilty over the whole situation. Anyway, its over so it's out of my mind.

And its Thursday so the maniac is in here with the staring thing again. I hate this guy he makes my Thursdays (typically the best day of the week) horrible and little bit like a Lifetime Movie.

This weekend I'm going to go see my newborn cousin who I think is named after my mom. I'm not very happy about that because now I can't name my kid after her. And after all she was my fucking mother. I reserve the right to have first dibs on the name. Did they even ask my sister and I if it was okay? Nope. My family is like this giant sesspool of ignorant, selfish, pricks. Go Fam!

129 hit(s) (6 comments) | Talk to Me

P Diddy, I Love You October 22nd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Billy Bragg

Feeling: empowered

Friday... joyous, wonderful Friday. I cherish you, with your light course load and glorious TV programming.

I'm excited about voting. My sister, her boyfriend, his mom and dad, and I are early voting tomorrow. I'm hyped. Eeee. This is my first time voting and I think that it's important to make those 90 year old jackasses in Washington listen to me, and not just me, but all young people. We are ignored and craped on constantly by the government. This year I lost almost half of my grants to go to school because of education cuts and had to get two loans. They are sending young people overseas to fight in a war we never should have started and taxes are being cut for corporations and people in a tax bracket I've never even heard of, let alone been in. And healthcare is a fucking joke.

P Diddy is right, you know? He says that this is our country. Take charge of it.

105 hit(s) (6 comments) | Talk to Me

Should I? October 20th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: defeated

I've been thinking about dropping out of college.

No Goals + Limited Intelligence = No Reason to Be Here

Today I actually woke up wishing that I would get some terminal disease and have to drop out of college. I just keep getting more and more depressed. I wish I could just be happy for once.

Tomorrow I have business class which I'm dreading because the prof finds a way to make me feel like even more of an idiot than I all ready am.

I guess tonight I'll do some good, old fashion soul searching, try to find something that I want to devote my life to.

126 hit(s) (5 comments) | Talk to Me

Down, Down Baby October 18th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Clicking of a Mouse

Feeling: jazzed

The weekend was okay. Didn't get to go to Bridge Day because it was raining and extremely windy. I spent yesterday helping my dad get ready for a trip to his camp in Chesapeake. I saw 'The Village' which was really good except that a man that weighed 500 pounds kept caressing my foot.

I woke up late and missed Chemistry.

Geez, I can't get out of this mood. I'm just so down lately. Nothing makes me happy. Jhonna brought up that maybe a year from now I could be married. She's always saying these "what if" comments. Maybe that's the problem. I have no romantic prospects and her comment made me think about it. I'm totally alone and always have been. I always think that today could be the day I meet my somebody but it never happens and I can't help put be a little cynical about it.

111 hit(s) (3 comments) | Talk to Me

Got Nerve October 14th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Maniac Breathing of a Computer Lab Mate

Feeling: passive

I keep trudging on. I'm almost paralyzed at the thought of another day. I put off sleep so it won't come. Everyday is a struggle. It'd be so simple to just stop. But once again I don't have the guts.

Like usual, I don't have the nerve.

120 hit(s) (2 comments) | Talk to Me

Give Me Your Quarters October 13th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of the Keyboard

Feeling: cheeky

I had the best weekend ever.

Friday Night: Typical Omelet Shoppe fun with Jhonna and Nick.

Saturday Night: We met our friend Kelly and her girlfriend at the Omelet Shoppe in Beckley (we got to school in Princeton, which is about 45 minutes away) and stayed until 3 AM. Most of that time was spent putting money in the quater drop machine. It was crazy fun. Then we decided to go to "The Clifs". It's where all the kids who skipped class at our old high school would sneak to and smoke weed. Anyway, it was dark and really very terrifying, especially since I've been watching so much Unsolved Mysteries lately. We stumbled around in the woods for about thirty minutes trying to find "The Cliffs" with no luck until I spotted what appeared to be someone flapping their arms around and we took off running. Then we went to their hotel and watched some movies until 7 am.

Kelly went to boot camp yesterday. She wants to go to Iraq. I'm going to miss her so much and I'm terrified that she'll get killed.

119 hit(s) (3 comments) | Talk to Me

Unsolved Mysteries...Eeee!!! October 8th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of a Keyboard

Feeling: fabulous

I saw my soul mate today. Seriously. I've liked this guy since 7th grade. He just has this great personality and fantastic hair. It's a great combination. Anyway, over the summer he grew his hair kinda long and he has this beard thing going on. Who knew a little facial hair could improve his appearance so much?

It's Friday and I'm going to the Omelet Shoppe tonight after Jhonna and Nick get off work. Maybe I'll straighten my hair this weekend. Do some laundry. Watch Uncle Buck. Lazy days. It'll be fun.

I've been watching a lot of Unsolved Mysteries lately. It's not good. I don't know why I put my self through this. The show is way scarier than most horror movies. It's freakin one o'clock in the day and I'm scared out of mind at the possibility of aliens abducting me in my sleep.

101 hit(s) (2 comments) | Talk to Me

Tree at My Window October 7th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Electric Stare of a Maniac

Feeling: whatever

Thursdays are weird. Short and cramped in the middle and every Thursday in the computer lab a really scary guy sits and stares like a maniac at me.

Anyway, no weekend plans as of yet but I'm normally just along for the ride in my sister's car. Maybe I'll see my brother. I don't know.

I saw a bunch of kids from high school this weekend. All but one didn't even recognize me. Crazy. I think I look exactly the same except that my hair is about a foot longer. But the guy that did recognize me was one that I had a class with Sophomore year which was 5 years ago.

I've been having strange dreams involving celebrities lately. Like every night. Last night it was Paul Rizer. Well, I guess he's not really a celebrity anymore. We were at a gas station and he kept telling me not to drink the Diet Coke. Weird. :-)

111 hit(s) (0 comments) | Talk to Me

Oh Master G October 4th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: spectacular

Weekends...where do they go? It's Monday morning and I had no fun the whole weekend. Well, that's not entirely true. I laughed like crazy when my sister screamed out that she thought she'd been stabbed when a pair of sunglasses fell on her.

Have you noticed the little Mr. T floating in the upper left corner? Good times. I pity the fool who doesn't like Mr. T.

I had a dream last night where I moved in with a rapper from the Sugar Hill Gang and everything he said was to the tune of "Rapper's Delight".

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Forgo it, Damn it! September 30th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Tap-Tap-Tapping of the Keyboard

Feeling: jealous

I've decided against Psychology as my major. Too much school involved. I'm edging towards something English related. Eh. Maybe I'll move to France and teach English. Fun.

Last night I was drinking out of a 2-Liter of Diet Coke on my bed (because I'm the only one drinking the soda, why dirty a cup? lol) anyway, I dropped it and it exploded all over everything! Lesson learned: No drinking out of 2-liters.

The presidential debates are on tonight. Maybe I will forgo watching The Whole Nine Yards on TBS. I dunno. Bush is a puppet and Kerry looks like the Anti-Christ. I don't think I'll be able to stomach it.

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Lab Again, Lab Again September 27th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: torn

I went to my cousin's wedding on Saturday. It was a whole lot more fun than I thought it'd be. There was a band and we danced until around 2 in the morning. There were kegs and just an overall sense of happiness. Yay.

I just got back from my chemistry lab. Let me repeat: I hate chemistry. I'm such an idiot when it comes to science.

Anyway, I'm going to lay down and nap I think. I'm way exhausted. I'll probably update hardcore tomorrow.

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Dad's Wedding September 20th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: exhausted

My dad got married yesterday.

It's surreal. He just got back with his girlfriend less than a month ago and now they are married. My dad swore he'd never get married again. Eh. And then this lady at the wedding kept telling my sister and I that Donna was our new mom repeatedly. I just kinda shut down emotionally. Everyone has moved on. I'm stuck on one day that I just live over and over.

I have two new siblings who I will introduce to you: Laura Anne and Dan. Laura Anne is 20 years old and the picture of a cheerleader. She's nice and all but has a little attitude but it's okay. She's drives a red 2000 Mustang. It's like she is defined by that car.

Dan is 17 with dark hair and hazel eyes. He never has anything bad to say... well unless he's making fun of you which is okay because he has this evil grin. Anyway, he and I were best friends for a very long time now I'm trying to get back to that but when your basically adults it's weird.

So there's the new family. I'll be living at their house during breaks and the summer and it's is crazy fun. Something is always happening or someone is always staying or your making a Walmart run to return something that wasn't even bought there. They are good people.

Yesterday was so weird. I slept on Donna's couch and when I woke up, Dan and his cousin (who I've lusted after for forever) are just sitting watching TV ignoring me all together. I hate that. What if I was snoring or drooling or something? Eh, I guess I didn't because they weren't laughing or anything. But after the wedding I was deep frying some dough (which is totally delicious and horrible for you) and everyone just looked at me like I was deep frying a human hand or something. :-)

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Whitewash II September 15th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: exhausted

Whitewash is when you do a half water, half white paint over dark walls in order to be able to paint a normal coat of white to cover it up, right? That's what I'm doing with my life right now. I'm whitewashing over all the negative, dark things and trying to get prepared for when I completely cover them up. I'm working on it.

I swear I say that entirely too much. On my tombstone it'll say:
Here Lies Val
She Was Working On It

The psychology test went okay. I got a low B. Not exactly genius work but okay. I have a business test tomorrow and a chemistry "informational survey" on Friday, which is code word for the exam you've had nightmares about.

I was up till 4 writing on an ongoing story. I felt like a woman posessed. I liked it.

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Whitewash September 13th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: headachy

I haven't been on a lot. I don't like that. I will be on a lot soon. I swear it. I don't have time to write an entry now seeing as it's 10:32 pm and I still have to study for a psychology exam and write a report on my predictions for gas prices (I'll report my findings to all you drivers out there). Wish me luck on this all nighter. I know I should have done my homework earlier but I had a 4 hour chemistry lab and then I excersized. That's right folks! I've actually been excersizing. Anyway, more info tomorrow. I'm sure since my course load is semi-light.

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Today I Am Me September 5th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Family Laughing in the Living Room

Feeling: hollow

Here's the beginnings of an entry: Yesterday was some nice clean family fun. I fell asleep really early, like 11 and slept till 11 or so. I hate that. More later.

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I stayed in my pajamas all day. We played GTA and Tony Hawk and watched Silence of the Lambs and Terminator 3. Sundays like this are what life should be made of.

I realized today that Dan is one of the nicest people and being with him makes me feel really secure. This whole situation is what I've been needing.

I saw Him today. He's Dan's cousin and I'm reduced to a giggling 13 year old around him. And he never changes. Its like I paused him the last time I saw him, except for now he has a girlfriend who I'm sure I'll despise. :-) Anyway, the point is that I keep getting thrown into the same situations where I have no chance of winning and I'm helpless to get out of them and I don't even want to get out. And I have this need to be walked on and forgotten about and left behind. And there's no way to get out of the cycle because I have a weird attachment to it. It's homey and familiar.

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Afterthought September 3rd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: GTA: Vice City (Dan is playing it behind me)

Feeling: apprehensive

Today was an okay day. My dad and I got into a horrible fight that lasted the whole afternoon. He called me a bitch three times within the span of about 20 minutes. Thanks, Dad.

Now I'm at Donna's and we just ate some pizza and watched "50 First Dates" (which is a very sweet movie). It was and still is kinda weird between Dan and I. I shouldn't have expected to jump right back into the friendship like nothing happened. But he is still the same old Dan except that he's a lot more mature now.

And I'm an afterthought like usual. Nothing ever changes no matter what I do but being back at this house reminds me of really great times and I think that this could be really good for me. This paragraph wouldn't make a whole lotta sense to most people but it does to me.

Anyway, tomorrow=another day with family. Yipee. Hopefully, I feel better.

Sidenote: This is a picture on this computer. I guess Dan likes Broncos...

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Questions September 1st, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Listening to a Girl I Don't Know, Talking to a Girl I Don't Know

Feeling: hurt

I guess I've got enough questions to start this entry. Here goes:

If you could leave one mark on this planet from your time on it, in any field of your choice, what would it be?
I would probably want to be remembered for writing the most influential book of my time. Like The Great Gatzby was in the 20's.
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Why aren't you here for me to spoil with affection?
Because I'm here, rotting away in Hell.
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What's your middle name?
Elizabeth
The color and ethnicity of your first pet?
A golden retriever that was golden.
The first person you remember dying?
My Grandpa Clark. My sister saw him die.
The first Christmas you remember and the best present ever recieved (assumming there that you are christian)?
Yes, I'm somewhat Christian. First Christmas I remember was when I was four, we lived in a house with a two-story living room and my dad bought a humongous tree. The best present I ever got was a weiner dog named Abby. We had the same birthday.
Why you aren't doing schoolwork right now, you slacker?
Because I am, by definition, a slacker.
Hop scotch or marbles?
Neither. I never got the point of hopscotch and I'm not corridinated enough for marbles. I perfer Mario.
If you refuse to believe in atoms, does existance cease to be inside your own head?
No way. Atoms don't exist to me because I can't see them and I'm living just fine. :-P
Can you touch your toes?
Yes, very easily.
Lick them?
I don't think so but if I could I wouldn't. I'm sure.
What's my name again?
Your name is Nick and I adore you. :-)
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You're dad is finally marrying Donna?!?!?!!?!
Yeah, he's marrying her in October he says. He's already moved back in with her and Dan will be my step-brother. Weird.

Sidenote: The background pic is of the town I spent most of my life in.

New feature copied from joltbloodedpsycho:
Quote of the Day:
"...if I so much as stuck a bare
foot out there in the unprotected air
they'd grab me by the ankle and pull me
under. And my parents said there was

nothing there, when I was older
I would know better, and now
they're dead, and I'm older,
and I know better."

-part of "Scary Movies" by Kim Addonizio

Sidenote 2: Last night I saw the video for Van Halen's "Right Now". It makes you think. There are all these phrases like "Right now, people are having unprotected sex", "Right now, opportunity is passing you by", "Right now, justice is being perverted in a court of law". The one that really meant something to me was:

"Right now, God is killing moms and dogs because he has to".

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I Hate Science August 30th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: groggy

This weekend I had a really good time. My dad told me that he is marrying Donna (his gf). That's all right with me. She has two kids Laura Ann-20 and Dan-17. They are okay people.

I'm tired today. I stayed up half the night doing chemistry homework. I hate science. I'm such an idiot.

I'm looking forward to next Monday, it being Labor Day and all. Maybe I'll actually have some plans for once.

Eeee Mondays suck. I have a 4 hour chemistry lab this evening.

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I can be so heartless and cold. And for no reason. It's like I want people to hate me so I can punish myself. I'm so guilty. I don't even know why anymore but here I am sitting alone in a computer lab alienating myself from anyone who might find me amusing.

I'm so messed up. Everything I do in my life has to do with guilt. Am I going to be a bitch today? Yes, because yesterday I made someone feel bad on accident and I feel GUILTY. Am I going to over-eat today? Yes, because I feel GUILTY. Am I going cry again? Yes, GUILTY. GUILTY. Mom? GUILTY.

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Later on that day...
Okay, since not a lot is going on with me I'll put the contents of my next entry in your hands. Ask me any questions you want to know and I'll answer them. You know how it goes.

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I'm a Liar August 27th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: despondent

My dad is getting back together with his on-again-off-again girlfriend. I first met her when I was 13. While I love her dearly I can't stand how my dad gets when he's with her. It's like her kids are his kids and Jhonna and I don't exist. Eh. Bitching and moaning won't help that. I'm 19 now I don't need him breathing down my back all the time anyway.

I was up till 3 last night.

I don't know what I'm saying in this entry. I've typed and erased more than I've kept. My mind is all topsy-turvy. I keep remembering things I've lied about. Guilt. I used to be quite the liar. I loved to lie about supid stuff that didn't even matter. Like I'd say that there was a fight at school when there wasn't or that we had pizza when we really had turkey. Now I think that I am overly honest to comensate. It doesn't equal out.

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Later on that same day...
I just got back from PE. I have a renewed love for wiffle ball. My sister and I were 10 times better than most of the jocks. Yay! I scored 4 points and Jhonna got 2.

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This Is a Members-Only Area

The story of my life.

I just keep staring at that. Members-Only. Members-Only.

Yesterday, I turned on the printer in the computer lab and it started printing all these pages out that weren't mine. No one was in there so I just took them and I read some of them last night. It's weird how much you can know about someone just by reading an assigned essay.

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Even later that same day...
I don't know why I'm disapointed. My dad lied to me about calling and his intentions. This morning I went from extremely despondent to elated and now just basic hopelessness. Rollercoastering it like usual.

Sidenote: This is a picture from my high school. It looks like a prison.

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Dreaming of Paul August 25th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: unknown

I have PE today. Not happy with that.

Last night I woke up at 4:03 am and called my sister. We did our chemistry homework together on the phone. I now realize why everyone thinks she is smarter than me. She is.

I'm kinda missing having a roommate. It's all quiet and lonely at night now. Maybe next semester I'll move back in with Jennifer. She wasn't that bad and I miss Thomas.

My sister, dad, and I went shopping yesterday. We spent 3 hours in Walmart alone. They don't understand that you can think of what you need before you go so you don't have to walk up and down EVERY aisle. Geez.

My entries have been uninspired and more like play by plays of my days. I don't like it.

I had a dream the other night that I was graduating from high school again and Paul Rizer sat next to me and told me that I could do anything.

Sidenote: This is a picture of my school. Nice, huh?

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The Best of the Best August 23rd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: bright

School is turning out to be okay. I like my new dorm even though I have to walk up three flights of steps to get to my room.

Classes=Boring

I spent the weekend at a family reunion which was horribling boring. The only plus was that there was cheesecake. Wahoo. :-)

I've been watching the Olympics like crazy. There is just something about watching the best of the best compete. I'm still using the computer lab but hopefully I'll be able to get a computer soon.

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I Dunno August 19th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: The Hum of 15 Computers

Feeling: hot

School=Sucks

I'm in my dorm room now. It is tiny and hot and not fun. My classes are going to kick my ass. I don't have a computer yet because all the money I saved will have to go towards books because I lost one of my scholarships.

On the bright side I have a lot of classes with Jhonna (my sister) and since she is a certified genius I will just float on her boat. I'm also not a lame freshman anymore so that is cool.

I'm going to try to update my diary everyday at this computer lab but computer labs=suck so maybe I'll just do it every other day. I dunno.

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Witness Protection Program Name August 16th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: TV in the Living Room

Feeling: sluggish

Today was a very lazy day. I got up at 11:30 and just lazed around until Jenn and Shay got home around 9 pm. Jenn went to visit somebody and Shay and I went to her dad's house and then to the Omelet Shoppe.

There's this cook that works there that Shay and Jenn met a while ago. He looks exactly like Gavin DeGraw (a really great singer) and his voice is like his too. And I had this thought that it was him trying to escape fame and it seemed like a movie. We were sitting there and he was teaching us how to play poker. He's from Las Vegas, why anyone in their right mind would move here from there is beyond me, and when he talks its like... I don't know. Wait, I thought about it and I do know. His voice is like the way Jason Mraz sings. His name is Andre which seems totally like a witness protection program name.

Earlier I met two of Jenn and Shay's friends from school: Gordan and something else - Turton or something odd like that - anyway, I shook each of their hands and then I shook Andre's. (Must be some kind of handshaking record.) It's odd how different guys shake. Like Gordon's was a long one, like a second or two too long and Turton's (?) was all quick and nervous. Andre's was really firm and too long. I hate when you feel like the person is holding your hand. I hate shaking hands. I'm always nervous that my hand is sweaty or clamy or dried out. There's nothing worse than shaking with someone who has hot sweaty hands. Eeeee

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Neel - Long Haired Confirmation August 15th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Matchbox Twenty - Crutch

Feeling: charmed

I moved into the dorms today but I'm not sleeping there, I'm still at Jenn's. I re-hurt my ankle.

After moving in we (my dad, Jhonna, and Nick) sat in the student center and I saw a guy from high school. His name is Neel. We weren't really close in high school. Actually the only time we ever spent together was in 11th grade history when we had to work on a group project together. I always felt intimidated around him because he was really rich and not in my crowd but I guess I was just being paranoid. He is so down to earth and cool. He grew his hair out and got glasses. It's odd how people with glasses are attracted to each other just because of the glasses. At least I feel that way sometimes. Anyway, Neel's best friend is Justin, the guy I wrote about in "July 31, 2004 2:36 am". It was really great seeing him and confirming that I wasn't as nerdy as I thought in high school.

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I'm Gonna Be a Card Shark August 14th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Silence

Feeling: eh

I spent the day with my dad, sister, and her boyfriend. I now realize why I didn't miss them while I was away this summer. Every fault I have is put on display and it becomes achingly clear that I don't belong in their little circle. It's like they are just putting up with me because they have to. I shouldn't have to feel that way around family. I'm an interesting person with a good sense of humor. I find myself amusing. I don't know what their problem is.

I have to get up at 8 am tomorrow...well, I guess today since it is 1:33. Moving into the dorms will suck major gigantic balls.

I saw "Dodgeball" tonight. I laughed my ass off.

I also saw 5 jackasses I went to high school with. They were guys from the "in crowd" who always ignored me and were rude. One of them looked like he was going to say hi and I just turned away like I didn't recognize him. Take that! Fragile male ego! Ha!

Then Jhonna and Nick and I saw Jenn's car at Tommy's (her jackass ex) work so we stopped in to say hi. I totally ignored him and was quite rude. What fun.

I also mastered the bridge thing when you shuffle. You know what I'm talking about? Jenn and Uncle Joe taught me and I had to practice all day while waiting for my dad to show up. My thumb joints are hurting too much. But what's a little pain when I'm one step closer to becoming a card shark?

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Repeat Performance August 13th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: TV in the Living Room

Feeling: empty

I finished "Music for Chameleons" this afternoon and started reading it again immediately afterwards. This book is so great because it isn't a typical book. It's not a novel. It's composed of seven "conversational portraits", six short factual stories, and a true crime novella. My favorite being "Nocturnal Turnings, or How Siamese Twins Have Sex". Here's a section:

Presently, the woman approached me and asked me to sign a paper napkin. All this seemed to anger her husband; he staggered over to the table, and after unzipping his trousers and hauling out his equipment, said: "Since you're autographing things, why don't you autograph this?" The tables surrounding us had grown silent, so a great many people heard my reply, which was: "I don't know if I can autograph it, but perhaps I can intial it."

Jenn, Shay, and I went to the Omelet Shoppe twice today. Once before going to see "13 Going on 30" and then afterwards. The movie was suprizingly good but a definite chick flick. I don't think many guys would find it appealing.

Still feeling down.

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Five Hundred Pounds August 12th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Launch radio

Feeling: spirited

School starts in less than a week.

That statement is alone because I am dreading it again due to the fact that once again I changed my mind on my major. Pre Law=Boring

I bought a Truman Capote novel at Goodwill a few months ago. I didn't start reading it until a few nights ago. I don't know why. I've never read any Capote and I'm kind of cherishing it. Its "Music for Cameleons". It's like nothing I've ever read before. I wrote 30 pages after reading a chapter or two. Really very exciting. His writing reads like he is talking to you. It's great.

Like I said, school starts next Wednesday. Scary. Especially since I (still) don't have a major. I'm thinking psychology. Maybe I'll go back to business or go on to teaching. I need someone to say: "Val, you are going to major in ______ and that's final."

My aunt went to a wake today. A high school boyfriend shot himself in the head.

I'm spiraling down. Little things just keep pulling at me. Do you ever get like that? Someone can say something or you hear a song on the radio and your mood just goes down and down until your so tired you can't breathe. Literally I get too tired to suck air in. Five hundred pounds of weight on my chest with a fake smile on my face.

1:03 am
I just went outside. It's raining and dark. I was wearing flip-flops. My toes are wet and blades of grass are stuck to my ankles. I walked over some rocks that were slippery and almost fell. My hair is getting too long. Most of the time I keep it in a thick braid so it just swings around hitting me and annoying the crap out of me and making me feel like some one could grab it and swing me around like a doll. Or maybe that some one who hates me will cut it off and sell it.

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The Blame August 5th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Silence

Feeling: awestruck

I know I'm supposed to be on hiatus but I can not believe what my aunt just told me. My stepdad is suing the hospital because he thinks that my mom wouldn't be dead if they hadn't given her a certain drug.

I've struggled so hard to get over putting blame on anyone and I don't need this. It would be easier to blame a doctor but I'm not looking for easy. I'm looking for finding a peace in my life. Having a person to blame gives me the excuse to carry around all kinds of hatred and negative thoughts.

I just stared at my aunt when she told me. This lawsuit could change my life. My school could be paid for, I could have money in the bank. But I don't want it. My mom is dead. No amount of money will help it or change anything or make me feel good about it. I don't equate human life with financial value.

It blows my mind that I spent all this time hurting and grieving and trying to piece my life back together and it's all in vain. Because the second a judge says that it was a wrongful death I will backtrack. It'll be like she's dying all over again.

I don't care if it was someone's fault. I was doing great just accepting it as an act of God. And I know it was an act of God even if it was a doctor's fault but you can't put blame on God. Well, I guess people can but I don't. I just wish things were the same now as they were this morning.

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July 31, 2004 2:36 am July 31st, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Launch Radio My Station

Feeling: elated

July 31, 2004 2:36 am
I just got back from a night out with the girls. Jenn, Shay, and I went to see "Troy" and then to the Omelet Shoppe where we played cards and talked.

A guy I went to high school with was there with a bunch of his friends. I used to have the biggest crush on him. He is just as cute now as he was if not hotter and he sat across from me in the booth next to mine and our eyes kept connecting. And then Jenn and Shay played some songs and I was singing to "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden and he was singing and we just looked at each other and then I knew what it was to have chemistry with someone. Not the kind that I just think is going on but the real stuff. He has glasses and I have glasses and he is everything I want in a guy. I wish we went to the same school or would see each other more than once or twice a year. He's one of those guys that is just mellow about everything and super smart and kind to everyone and hilarious to be around. Senior year we had this drama type class together and he was in my group. We had tons of fun. Anyway, I just feel really alive and happy.

In the movie "Troy" Brad Pitt's character Achilles tells a girl (something like this) that the Gods envy us because we are mortal and things are more beautiful to us because we are doomed. How true and a wonderful way to look at things.

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See Ya Later July 27th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: People Talking in the Living Room

Feeling: old

I've decided to take a short hiatus from this site. I'm just not in the mood to record my life. And my friend joltbloodedpsycho won't be on until the end of the month and that made me think that this is the perfect time to take a break. I'll get back on when I go back to school around August 18th or 24th. I'm not sure what day I go back exactly. Anyway, I made my diary public again. I just wanted all the crap to die down. So everybody have a good few weeks. You can contact me at sweetdragon3@hotmail.com. I always check it so email me if you just can't live without me. :-P

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Butter to Bread Ratio July 24th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: OAR

Feeling: sluggish

I slept okay last night.

I had toast for breakfast a few minutes ago. The ratio of butter to bread gets larger the older I get.

Maybe I'll update more later. I don't have much going on in my mind when I first wake up.

Okay, I know I said no more poetry but I can't stop myself.

You There
June 29, 2004 9:41 pm

I want to cry out for you
Let the tears run down my face
I want you with a force I can’t describe
But you don’t have a name yet
Or even a face
You are a thousand faces to me
A thousand different men combined
I don’t know who I’m crying out for
But its you
You there with your quick wit
With your easy smile
Magical laugh
You there with your blue eyes
With your strong hands
Hard body
You there

Here's more- I’ll probably clean my room today. Start organizing for college. Take a nap. Listen to music. Smile.

I wish I was in a band.

I think I’m going to buy a teal halter dress. Just because I don’t have a dress to wear in a fix. You know? Like someone says "Let’s go to such and such, we have to be there in fifteen minutes". It’ll be nice. I don’t know why I decided on teal but it’s better than black. And this situation hasn’t happened to me but if it does I want to be ready. Besides I’m getting older now and I need to start buying adult clothes instead of the teenage crap I own. It’s not all about jeans and t-shirts anymore, Val. You just decided to be a lawyer. You need to own some "lawyer clothes". You can’t impress law schools in holey jeans and a "men are pigs" t-shirt. It won’t go well.

Here's a picture. Should I buy it?

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Tony July 22nd, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Billy Bragg

Feeling: old

This is so weird. Well, not weird. I don't know. My aunt just told me that our neighbor was going to ask me out to dinner yesterday but didn't because he saw that my dad and sister had came to see me. It's strange because I think he's too old for me and it was totally unexpected. Now I'm going to be all weird around him.

Moving on.

Last night I watched a mini-marathon of Who's the Boss? I love this show. It's one of those little cheesy things thta you indulge in. Anyway, I realized that the reason why I am so picky concerning guys is that I used to watch this show like crazy when I was little. And what guy is going to measure up to Tony Danza?

As stated above, my dad and sister came and saw me yesterday. We had a good time. I really miss both of them. They are so entertaining and wonderful to be around. I like the fact that they actually get my jokes or the fact that most of the time I am joking.

Last night I had a migraine. It took me hours to get to sleep. It was like little jolts of silver pain running up and down my spine and into my brain. I hate that.

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Mud Between Your Toes July 21st, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Watching the Golden Girls

Feeling: anxious

Last night I actually slept during the night. It was very weird and I don't feel rested at all. I'm at work right now so I shouldn't be writing an entry but it's 8:38 am and I'm in a bad mood. At least I'll be getting a check though.

I changed my diary to friends only. ...Well, I guess the people who aren't on my friends list already know that. Duh. It doesn't really effect anyone who might be reading it now.

I played in the rain yesterday. Well, no actual playing but I walked around in it and appreciated how rain water can make you feel like a 5 year old and mud between your toes is even better.

This entry sucks. I'm feeling very uninspired to write. Maybe its this summer heat or the fact that school is just around the corner and I don't feel like going back anymore. I'm really nervous about it because I finally picked a major and there's all this pressure to do well. I don't know. I'm just doing my typical worrying.

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Poof You're Gone July 20th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Someone on the Phone

Feeling: exhausted

I'm tired. Not just because I haven't slept but I'm just tired of the bull shit. I don't feel like defending myself anymore. In fact I won't. I won't bring up another thing about you because I honestly don't need all your negative energy in my life. If you want to believe that I copy ideas out of your journal or that I insulted your dad I can't change that no matter what I say and there's no point in me doing that anyway because just thinking that of me was the worst insult of all. And I don't care about who looks like the "victim". I'm not on this site to get sympathy. It's a diary. If you want to be the "victim" go ahead. I'm beyond caring.

So like you said to me, I'll say to you:
I just wash my hands clean of you and one, two, poof you're gone.
only I really mean it.

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There It Is July 19th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Case Of The Fake People by TLC

Feeling: eh

Today was an interesting day.

Jenn got another tattoo.

I saw BJ for the second time in my life.

Joe got back from Ozzfest.

I had a falling out with a friend.

I ate a TV dinner for dinner.

There it is.

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Mr. Callahan July 19th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Cake

Feeling: artistic

Dear Mr. Callahan,
You were my favorite teacher. Even though I wasn't a good artist you encouraged me and treated me like a human being. You never acted like I was any less than your best student. I really appreciate it. Every Wednesday in Art Club we'd talk while painting or making stamps and those were probably the best times of my life. Just being around an adult who didn't act like they were just putting up with me. You are an overall beautiful person and a great friend. I wish I'd kept in touch with you. I remember the first day of 7th grade. All the kids told me that you were crazy and that you'd thrown a kid out a second story window. :-) I was terrified. I never thought I'd picture you when I thought of a positive male in my life. I will forever think of you as the person who inspired me to be a poet and to look at the beauty in this world instead of the negative. I could write a whole book on the things you taught me in three years and maybe I will.

-Valerie

Sidenote: I've been thinking about Mr. Callahan for a long time. I know he'll never read this but I'm a big believer in the collective unconcious.

Sidenote Number Two: This picture reminds me of myself because I always have my hair in long braid. Like really long. My hair reaches the top of my butt. :-)

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BAM! - I'm There. July 18th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Gavin DeGraw

Feeling: befuddled

Wouldn't it be cool if I was sipping burbon and smoking a cigar? I think so. Maybe I should pick up both habits.

I have laid around all day. Well, not actual laying down but I wanted to. I actually sat at the computer all day except for the two or more hours watching LOTR this morning.

I'm depressed. No, not depressed. I am not feeling that bad. I was depressed for a long time and it's not like that now. I'm just all blah lately. Nothing seems to make me happy for long. I need a boyfriend. Like, right now. I know it's not beneficial to depend your happiness on others but I can't seem to do it myself. The next person to ask me out - BAM! I'm there. In real life, not over the internet. :-P

Maybe I should say not the next person to ask me out but the next GUY to ask me out.

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Shades of Shame July 18th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Matchbox 20

Feeling: eh

I feel weird today, like unattached to my body. Maybe it's the sleep thing, I dunno. I listening to "Back to Good" by Matchbox 20 it always makes me sad.

"Well everyone here has shades of shame. Looking inside we're the same and we are all grown now yeah, and we don't know how to get it back to good."

Ahhh. I'll write more later.

Here's more... Carol just called. We aren't leaving until tomorrow morning. Thank God. I'm too tired to get dressed today. I will use my motto in this situation: "Fuck it."

I love the way that just rolls off my tongue. I'm going to end up living in my dad's basement.

Still More... It's raining today. Overcast and wet and I looked out the window and rabbits were just running around through the flowers. It reminded me of something you'd see on a Hallmark movie. And nothing in my life is like a Hallmark movie nor would I want it to be. All love and mush and tears and mother's hugging their daughters.

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Faux Hawk July 17th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Bruce Almighty on in the background

Feeling: eh

I am all kinds of emotional tonight. We went to the family reunion. Total bust. Nick (my sis's bf) and I played rock, paper, scissors to avoid awkward introductions. It worked. The only good thing that happened was my cousin Lindsay introduced me to her best friend Matt who seemed totally nice and she braided one side of my hair and he braided the other. I love when people play with my hair. Anyway, he had very nice eyes and a great laugh. Poem material.

Then I went to Jhonna's (my sis's) house and we watched "I Love the 90's" until time to leave for the Omelet Shoppe. We had a great time. I used this hair putty that I had to style Kelly's hair into a "faux hawk". It looked too cute. I hope we get to see each other more, she is such a cool person.

I've been up for 32 hours. I am tired but I don't think I can sleep. Too many things are running through my head right now. Especially the fact that I have decided to be a lawyer. This is a major decision for me. I want to be a writer or poet so bad but everyone tells me that I can't get anywhere in those careers but what about living a life that I love, not one that makes me look good? I guess you can be a lawyer and a poet/writer dually but these past few days I've been writing like a mad woman and it would be hard to spend the night writing and then have to go to work the next day. I write best at night, actually I've never wrote anything good while the Sun was up.

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Three O'Clock July 15th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Watching Seinfeld

Feeling: popular

Last night was good fun. Jenn and I went to see Craig at his station house. We watched a cheesey snake movie on the Sci-Fi channel. Then Jenn and I were hungry so we went to the Omelet Shoppe (of course!) and played 20 Card Rummy (which I won). Fun, fun, fun.

I stayed up all night and slept until three today. I took a shower but I put my jammies back on. I'm not going to do anything today so why get dressed? :-)

I also wrote a poem today. I like it. I think. Do you people?

Three O'Clock
July 15, 2004 6:38 pm

He said that most of the day is over by three o'clock
I don't agree
I was sleeping until three
The day began at three for me
And why shouldn't it
if I was up till six
writing wild poems and singing to a tired radio?
And if most of the day was over when I woke up
what was the point of waking?
Why didn't he let me sleep?

He said that the day was prettiest before three o'clock
Well, thank you sir for telling me
What do I care?
I was dreaming of my soulmate
that we had finally met
and were living in a house above a river
where fishes jump on hooks and dogs stay puppies forever
And if the day was prettiest before I woke up
why is the sun out and the grass green?
Why are the birds singing?

This is based loosely on what happened today. That's what I do when I write poems, I take a seed from what really happened and twist it into something.

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No Val Bashing, Please July 13th, 2004 @ 12:00am

Listening to: Sublime

Feeling: empty

Today was a full day. I got up at 12 and showered, etc and was ready to leave by 1:30. Yes, I know that is a long time. I was tired and it takes a long time to wash and rinse my hair. Anyway, I went to McDonald's with my brother and his dad. It was fun. I miss those two so much. Then Jenn, Shannon (our friend), and I went to the mall and Walmart and then we visited with Shannon's dad.

I bought some new sunglasses. They are round and big and make me feel like a movie star. And who doesn't want to feel like a movie star?

Shannon and Jenn are trying to get me to go to a club with them on Saturday. I don't know if I'll go. That's not really my scene. Maybe I'll just stay home and babysit the house. That seems to be all I'm good at anyway. Okay, this isn't a Val bashing entry so you can just kindly ignore that. I might go, that's all I'll say on it.

Sidenote: This picture makes me think of what I'll look like when I'm old. It's totally me even down to the glasses... well except that I now have long hair but I'll cut it when it turns white. Yes, that is totally me.

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*Cough Cough* July 13th, 2004 @ 12:00am