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the only thing running away is my tears |
November 18th, 2008 @ 12:46am |
Listening to: Jack Johnson
Feeling: alone
Its been 3 weeks today, free
but I'm becoming more trapped by myself
something i haven't been and needed to be
I've lost all hope and gained so much faith
I've been looking back on my past relationships
and the ones that have really mattered
learning the meaning of reliance and the meaning of independence, the meaning of reliability and of expectation
also that fault is a perception and a need for dependence... if i could say that.
also that there is no better trial than time
people are different for whatever reason, some more deeply rooted than others. you cant expect anyone to understand or deal with your own baggage, and im tired of people thinking that. "accept me for who I am".
maybe I'm wrong but i feel like you should be who you would want to love. because if you cant love yourself, than how could you expect someone else to? otherwise your building a dependence on a love you need and couldn't feel on your own. shouldn't be like that.
I'm not saying love your replica, sometimes our differences make us beautiful; a chaotic harmony.......
ahh that sounds so wonderful
like waking up to a bedhead the morning after, staring at you with eager-uncertainty and excitement followed by a good morning kiss
FAITH |
| 10 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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wooooooooooow |
November 14th, 2008 @ 9:31am |
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im starting to get convinced that all these chicks is lying crazy unfaithful bitches. i know about 2 or 3 really chill down to earth girls. tops. and thats being nice. n none of them are interested in me. im thinkin maybe im one of those people whose ment to be alone. |
| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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I hate this feeling |
November 6th, 2008 @ 1:25am |
but maybe , things will change. i dont feel like its me, although it may be. i wish the people that think that they know me, really knew me better.
perception requires duality
I took the Dante's inferno quiz to see what level of hell im going to. the eighth. of nine. and so begins my journey to repent my sins. but lately i feel like im already here. i guess the world can be like that sometimes. maybe im just not counting my blessings. either way, ive lost sight of the positive. i feel like i need to leave this place. meet new people. there's no love for me here.
im fighting everyday. some fights are easier than others, but everyday. all day long.
god will never give you more than u can handle.
the choice is if you want to handle it. to try.
im not sure its worth it anymore. i love life. i love everyone and everything. i just wish somewhere someone felt the same.
1 week 2days no smoking or drugs. |
| 19 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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through sober eyes |
November 3rd, 2008 @ 12:42am |
Ive come to realize that peoples reasons for this town being so shitty is, "its ventura". which is not a reason. like so many other places, this one is filled with hypocrite drug abusers, whom dont believe they are the problem.
im not going to be one any longer.
without even realizing it i became quite dependant on bud and alcohol to calm my nerves and ease pain from the tentions of my life. now i see that those same vices have made things sooo much worse for me. Paranoia, anxiety attacks, being constantly overwhelmed.
At the end of the day I would look in the miror with disgust and shame. You cant love others while hating yourself, i see that now too. I've let too many people down, including myself. where i was fearless, i now fear. where i was fun im now morbid.
some people would say that ive been high everyday since sophmore and i miss those days where i knew they were wrong. I miss my confidence, I miss my faith.
I miss love
NO MORE
Its been a week so far, and i feel my sences returning. No more throwing gasoline on my flame. Id much rather be an ocean or lake.
On another note ive been having vivid long dreams. not nightmares just real and awkward settings. Not sure what they mean yet. |
| 9 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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fuck you |
October 26th, 2008 @ 5:12am |
the ultimate strength
fuck this shit.
nice guys finish last
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| 27 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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kinda frustrated |
October 12th, 2008 @ 11:02pm |
so many things i want to write down.
so many things day in day out that bring tears to my eyes.
i went over to a freinds house the other day, he has his own little apartment he shares with his girlfriend. we try to talk about our lives, what we've been up to, this and that. but when its my turn, all i can do is shake my head and try not to break down. i want to be who i am, but no one loves me that way.
i dont know how they really feel, but the people that i love and care about, have past judgment on me. with no room for an appeal.
when do we stop wondering if the grass is greeneron the other side, and make it as beautiful as u want it on your own side.
commitment
i feel like i have so much love in my heart but no canvass to paint a masterpiece. there's plenty great paper, filled with others' drawings, but none of my own. sketchbook after sketchbook, notebook paper; trivial. though i suppose good things come to those who are patient.
looking back at all the entries i have on this thing really makes me laugh. how confused, troubled i was. i let my environment get the best of me. I really feel as though i am a different person now, for the better.
i dont know if i have ever done anyone any good at all. i want to know that i have. |
| 46 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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damn |
October 1st, 2008 @ 1:09am |
i want a girl in my life
i want to deserve someone who deserves me |
| 55 hit(s) |
(5 comments) |
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stressssss |
September 21st, 2008 @ 11:57am |
Listening to: mac dreezy
Feeling: hungover
as of the 17th ive put down the chron. i realized im gonna need more than a lota money to move out. so ima get a good stable job, see how things go. and thank god i have such good friends cuz i feel so alone in this town. but thats also another reason why i quit. i realized people perceive me as that stoner, dealer kid. and that just aint me. i realized its pushed away the people that i care about n want to have a relationship with. so its just time for a change.
god damn gregs finnaly going into the millitary. im scared for him, but at the same time its what he needs to do. |
| 40 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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the plan |
September 13th, 2008 @ 8:35pm |
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i want to use my money to buy a home, settle down, see the world. all that, n i dont need someone to join along the way. it would b really nice. i love you by the way |
| 46 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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wow |
August 7th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: curren$y
Feeling: deserted
learning |
| 38 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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