| Jose Thorne |
| Age: 20 |
| Sex: boy |
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| Counting the days, embracing the time |
May 9, 2008 |
While arrived at the airport, checked in and awaiting his 4:35pm flight AA131 to New York with an hour and thirty mintues to spare before boarding, he amusingly decides to chill on the internet to catch up with news, emails and what have you as really, the internet is almost his vice and two weeks away from this luxury might turn out be torture - no, he's not that bad really!
Though there is no chance of him missing his flight due to browsing the net at the airport, he still couldn't help but be amused by daydreaming what if he did - stupidity at its utmost!
Wishing you all the best while I'm away. Keep Cheerful! Dream a beautiful dream! |
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| We're children at heart, no matter how old |
May 6, 2008 |
This Friday at 4:35pm I will be taking off to the skies for my two week holiday in Belize, Central America. As the day nears, I am building in anticipation as for most people it's not everyday you find yourself being able to go to another part of the World.
I am hopeful as to what insight I will gather when I'm there. Relax, see family, have fun.. all of what I'm sure I'll be doing when I'm there, but more than this, gaining perspective on life is perhaps the foremost reason I am anticipating my arrival.
Not only 2 years ago when I was last there in Belize I remember a young boy and his young sister greeting me on a basketball court. Despite their shoddy clothes and lack of footwear, their third world presence failed to diminish their knowledge for what real happiness was, but even more was seeing the happiness they had when letting them join in playing basketball with myself and a friend who was there also. By my fashionable trainers and the simple fact that I possessed I basketball, the young boy was already aspiring, "I wish I had trainers like that", "I wish I had a basketball".
They (as well as I) had enjoyed the hour spent on the basketball court and together - brother and sister - they trailed bare-footed over the gravel, dust and rocks back to their home, perhaps aspiring to what can be in life. For the most of us, our reality's are the dream; for others, their reality can only ever be a dream.
I went to the young boys house the evening before I left so to give him the basketball. His expression was either that of 'what the hell you doing here fool', or that of a total unexpected gift. I will always cherish that moment on the basketball court seeing how happy the heart in a child can be despite the lesser environment they are exposed to.
Some might read this and gather what's the point of this story? Fair do! For me, the point is it's getting time that the difference is made. |
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| Only in dreams are the greatest stories told |
May 2, 2008 |
University is finished for another year. One more year to go. I am not excited that the year is over - merely pleased - and now pondering over what to do with my summer.
In recent weeks I've begun to contemplate the reason why I'm at university and studying what I am. I can't remember why I'm at university to be honest. After my mom, my life and intentions had changed dramatically and I felt like I should drop out so to pursue such intentions. Eventually I got over this wanting to drop out, but only in the same recent weeks trying to remember why I'm at uni, I began to feel again that I should drop out. This time, it was never to the extent of turning thought into action; just thought! But why?
I said to myself today, "am I regaining the 'superhero' complex (in a certain extent) that I once upon a time had". I believe yes and in a way it feels assuring.
I've believed that with a dream in life - that dream being what you want - sometimes you have to sacrifice that dream so to live the life you have been given the responsibility for living. Then I believed that it's not for me to know whether this sacrifice really has to take place, that maybe I can have both - the responsibility and the dream. But then I believed that if I could have the choice of living that dream or sacrificing it, that I would instead sacrifice the dream for my responsibility.
I know of some of the most beautiful women to walk this earth and know that many more do, but whomever my heart had wanted, my heart can really only belong to one woman - and not in fear - but in acceptance, with this beautiful woman, when she died, my love for a woman went with her. I thought my greatest fear was not being able to achieve my dream and ultimately having to sacrifice my dream, but in truth, my fear was having to accept that the dream would never happen anyway.
Maybe that's what real fear is; Not the fear of what it is that keeps you back from being able to achieve something, but the fear of having to accept that it was never destined for you to achieve in the first place. Then again, ‘people should know when they're conquered’. Would I? Would you? Maybe fear is in accepting that you are destined, so what you fear really is the responsibility and possibly the change required of you! Perhaps.
'You have a dream, then go for it' they say. The ability to balance life is quite a great challenge that I raise a smile to for its worth. Not all dreams are meant to come true. I guess that's why people who have a dream have stories that are so worthy to be talked about in life – whether they achieved the dream or not, they still went for it. But even when you accept the fear, it doesn't replace the hope or the dream you once had. You still keep hoping; you still keep dreaming. In some respects you still keep in fear.
Fears hold us back so accept them as you may. That will provide you with the ability to move forward. The next step whether the fear is of being destined or not, is in asking, “Am I conquered”?
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| My life is nothing short of I Love You |
April 23, 2008 |
The gentle breeze soothes through the open balcony window and onto our naked bodies, with the sun softly dawning through the voile curtains. I wake to your kiss and fresh body caressing mine. The day has begun with my heart alive to your beauty and awaits the passion to be shared with you in the new day yearning to see our love.
Breakfast decides to be eaten in bed as the breakfast table is just too dull a place for us to have fun while guessing to each other how we will choose for the day to unfold, but I whisper to her with a soft smile, “as long as the day unfolds with you in my arms, my love is content”. I’ve never seen a slice of toast eaten in such a delicate and loveable way – it’s the small things adored that mean the most. We bathe each other and dress each other; I watch her as she plays with her make up; she then offers to do mine for me; the cheek, the laugh, the kiss, the love.
Now out in the midst of the day, her illustrious figure gives appeal to the white floral dress waving on her body as we hold hands along the pathway in the tranquil park. She runs to a spot on the grass and playfully falls down; me following behind, I fall on to her - my lips catch her lips as I do. We roll around for the grass to envy her dress and the sky to catch a glimpse of the joy that the day is giving her. Each kiss to which I give another, each word to which I speak one more. We lay like two angels in the sky, hands still held, pondering to ourselves – which to myself would be what the future holds – I find it holds the moment I look to my right to allow the edge of my lips to pass on to her “I love you” – a kiss given for each word.
We dine the end of the day in a romantic restaurant, a candlelit table, famished and awaiting each others desired cuisine. I can’t help but compliment her on the red rose coloured dress she has worn. Her hair flows sexily to the left of her neck leaving her neckline almost naked to the observing eye. A woman likes to be kissed on the neck; it’s one of those places on a woman’s body, but have you ever wondered what it’s like for a man when he kisses a woman there - "who cares" you might say in a seduced tone. A man can breathe in her scent as if it were her whole life; he can taste the tenderness of her body and he can feel the path to which he would leave a trail of kisses from her neck, along to her inner shoulder and through to the rest of her sumptuous body.
Seated there her eyes have already seen my eyes gazing, and barely had we begun dining. It had been raining that night so we caught a taxi home but stopped a corner before our intended stop. We ran the rest of the way in the rain covering ourselves with what little that we could. Embarking on up the stairs to our apartment we couldn’t but help share a kiss on each step until we reached our door.
It hadn’t taken us long to fall out of our clothes and into each others arms, our naked bodies caressing like the dawn that same day, but such was our trend when living life, when living in love. This time it was in front of the charmed fire. A rug on the floor and a sheet for cover. “I love that I love you” I softly say to her; “I love that you love me” she softly says back. We fall asleep to the warmth of the fire and the trickles of rain tapping on the window. |
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| Shiny Toy Guns - 'Sky fell over me' |
April 22, 2008 |
Hey down there,
Don't worry for me
'Cause I'm okay
You cared
No more tears,
'Cause I'm far from lonely
I'm far away
You cared
Please don't think the world has taken the best of you or me
I know the love that's in your eyes was there when the sky fell over me
Leave me here
Now I'm with the angels
And don't you say
"It's not fair"
Please don't think the world has taken the best of you or me
I know the love that's in your eyes was there when the sky fell over me
I can't help but say
That I love you.. that I love you
I'm not around, but..
Please don't think the world has taken the best of you or me
I know the love that's in your eyes was there when the sky fell over me
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| If only life had a label to warn you of its effects |
April 19, 2008 |
It's been a pretty long time that I remember I've been able to just jump online, log on to this site and allow my consumed feelings to flow from beyond my mind, through my arms, trickling off on to every key the tips of my fingers push to formulate what we call on here an entry. So at this givent moment, that's exactly what I'm doing while noticingly speaking the words out loud to myself, lol.
Of late I've had what for me is a rough week.. rough constituting not knowing where my mind is at.
Last weekend to this day, I got a text from my sister saying an uncle had died.. my moms brother in fact. And not only more than two months ago did my other uncle from my moms side pass away - he visited here last year for my moms funeral.
I was pretty shocked.. and I kind of became aware a couple days afterwards that my vulnerable state was arised from the fact I've lost 3 people dear to me (one more so) within the least 6 months. Then having what I would call a nightmare of losing someone close to me didn't help much either as the affect of this dream stayed with me for a few days after.
Then I started to have feelings for a girl I know; I didn't even know why as I had never really thought that much about her in that way. So I knew I had to drop these feelings as it wasn't possible for anything to happen, but having done so, only the day after was I feeling scared that I would lose this girl.. and her friendship.
I thought to myself... if I lose her friendship, maybe I just shouldn't care. Out of everyone I've lost so far.. whether physically or emotionally.. would another person really make a difference. I don't know what will happen, but I will forget about the not caring attitude. What will be will be, right?!
So now I move on somewhat. Preparing myself for the week ahead with my mind still weary of my hearts vulnerability, but I guess we can only take so much at a time. Me being me though.. I take too much too soon and then get messed up like an overdose of anything would.
I guess that's it. Smile :-) |
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| One heart died, another crippled |
April 18, 2008 |
The beauty in her smile
The beauty in her laugh
The beauty in her hug
The beauty in her voice
The beauty in her wake
The beauty in her sleep
The beauty in her compassion
The beauty in her guidance
The beauty in her cooking
The beauty in her peace
The beauty in her faith
The beauty in her eyes
The beauty in her dance
The beauty with her friends
The beauty in her life
The beauty in her heart
The beauty in her mind
The beauty in her body
And the beauty in her soul..
My heart had fallen in love, but to be denied by the death of all her beauty; the heart exists no longer as a human heart does. Instead it lays crippled, vulnerable, empty and incapable of loving as it once was. Beauty is a real man’s weakness, and a real man’s love.
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| (Intermittent fear) followed by a glimmer of hope |
April 17, 2008 |
You could save the whole World, but you have to look after your own heart too.
(I sometimes get scared that I will never be able to hold on to those I care about most; to those who make my life worth living).
If today we endure a pierced heart and a fragile mind, the battle is far from lost. We can live on to fight tomorrow and the enemy who sees such will quiver, their heart will fall a thousand graves and their mind will be lost for eternity. Life is your stadium, and the people your audience. To you they will weep, to you they will cheer. In you they have a hero and someone to believe in. Your heart is free and your mind a path in which to follow. The angels will sing; "Life is yours"! The greatest life is to whomever has left the greatest footsteps in which to walk in.
(So start walking).. |
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| Lady on a train |
April 15, 2008 |
Every day is worth living for this woman alone. And waiting until 5:45 in the afternoon is just the same, because no matter how often you see her, you’re always left with the need for more. Every late afternoon at 5:45, anticipated is the moment when she will walk serenely through the entrance of the station, from darkness into the light as her pale, satin like skin reflects as if she were an Angel in disguise.
Her ash blonde hair full of strength, styled in a pony tail with a silk reflection to further portray the perfection of her seamless beauty. Her figure does however leave a lot to the imagination as only a pure angel concealed would, as rarely does she give any glimpse of her pale rich flesh, by symbolically covering herself up with her corduroy olive green winter coat – dull not at all the slightest, but instead elegant and complimentary to her enchanting nature.
Even the way she sits on the train, ensuing upon the same window seat every late afternoon, pulling out the latest issue of a certain gossip magazine while at the same time on occasion also listening to her I Pod – if only I could be the music whispering into her ears just how beautiful she is and how greatly she could be loved.
You think you’ve seen every kind of smile there is to see, but her smile leaves the perfect of impressions on you when she smiles at her utmost. And you know it’s her utmost, because dimples rise to her curvaceous cheeks. Granted if only you were the one to which she arose such a smile for, would no other person in your place feel of such worth in her sublime presence.
The train journey continues rather uneventfully as the tired filled 5:45pm train from ‘Dover Priory to London Victoria’ would, but for me, her beautiful sight does not fail to wake even the heart of the most blind-cast of men. I am grateful for the 30 minutes I am given to see such a queen among the ordinary as when she alights at her stop prior to mine, my thirst for beauty arises and anticipates already the new day to come to when I can be hopeful of seeing the ‘angel with no apparent name’ again, in the same pale satin like skin whether rain or shine, in the same elegant coat whether wintry or warm, but anticipating most of all, is knowing that her beauty will remain undiminished and as mirrored to perfection as the day before.
Yes, every day is worth waking up so you can merely bare witness and rejoice to the fact; you saw ‘the lady on a train’.
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| You follow what you learn |
April 14, 2008 |
I seem to be going slightly insane and I don't understand why these feelings are as they are. |
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| Never frown; someone may be falling in love with your smile |
April 11, 2008 |
She said, "there's a place where you can touch a woman and drive her crazy"; "Where" he asked?! She took his hand, pressed it firmly on her chest and softly said, "her heart". |
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| Man, Machine, Superhuman |
April 4, 2008 |
Born Man, like every other human his life was a journey to find the reason behind his own existence, whether that be love or trade. As a child his most daunting memory was being left alone with his dad while his elder brother and sister fled to the park with their mom to be together and have countless acts of memorable fun. It’s not the memory of them fleeing which hurt as a child, but the crushed feeling experienced in his heart at such an innocent age; a feeling which would only be reiterated throughout his growing years as man.
Raised Machine, the once born man in search for everything in life understood that everything he wanted was in fact everything which wouldn’t be, and so became immune to the want or feeling of love, instead only ever moved forward with what was required of him to be fulfilled in life and was unfazed by the weakness of others who boasted their ever apparent ego with callous and – for them – unfortunate words and deeds. He was not cold, no, not that kind of machine where a heart is found lacking. He smiled, he laughed, he loved, he knew and felt the sincerity of what is to love and see beautiful; but for him, life no longer needed to be ‘thought’ about to get around where he needed to be so to do what he intended to do.
Died Superhuman, the born man raised machine soon succumbed to the knowledge that his own power was too his own weakness. A life led on one ability alone became his reason for existence and with it, the reason for his death. The same power which gave his heart freedom to soar through the sky is the same power which led him to his fall. Contrary to belief, every Superhuman has to die.
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| 'More than it seems' - Kutless |
April 2, 2008 |
"Where is reality and what are the actions that will define who I am?
I am holding on to the visions I've seen of what I could be
It's what I should be".
I came across this song today to which these lyrics stood out most - along with another sentence - but this one most of all.
If in life we get a glimpse of who we can be, we should hold on to that vision because more than giving us a life we can lead, it gives us a life in which we can make a difference.
At times the vision may scare us for the responsibility may seem to outweigh the capability of what our heart can handle, but such is not to be if you can look beyond the overcast sky and deep within your heart as soon you will find that beyond that scared feeling, your capabilities are 'more than it seems' and are just as much possible as the ascending sun.
If you have a vision then believe and make it your reality, because until you do, who you are is any which way; but when you do, knowing who you are will have made the journey of life sweeter than you gave it credit it for.
"Some say the sky is the limit; I say it's just the beginning".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99zLECS9fWU&feature=related |
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| Always |
March 30, 2008 |
A man born with the sun shining on him... 20 years later and the sun still shines upon him. He walks with many smiles - one for every person he is to pass throughout that day - and tomorrow another new amount of smiles will shine from beyond his empyreal face and so too the day after that.... This man, only known well by few, but known of by many; he had a story to tell like many do... however, his story was not of himself but that of others, for this man had only real existence in life for the purpose of others - even if they didn't know it! He wasn't looking for anything in return; he just wants to be there and always will he. |
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| What is a man profited? |
March 27, 2008 |
When going about daily life no matter how intense or relaxed the moment, do you not ever wonder what may have been if for that moment, we took a route that circumstance prevented us from reaching.
I often go about life as if I know how my life is pre-destined to turn out, usually because I get an otherworldly feeling within me which tells me what I feel is what will be. Truth is yes, I am a believer in God, in Jesus, and I should understand that nothing on earth can guarantee what I may desire, but that only God can, provided it agrees with ‘His’ will for my own life.
So is what I feel deep within my soul to be guaranteed to me by him? Truth is for me, despite what I may feel deep within, I don’t know what life holds for me, therefore it’s not for be to believe whether I will find a beautiful woman, marry her and have a family with her in this life, which in essence is the greatest sacrifice I’ve believed my life is destined to make in way of the responsibilities my soul has felt itself to have. I shouldn't even take for granted that I will be here tomorrow; today is a gift and so is each day after today.
What is everything you’ve ever wanted? What is everything I’ve ever wanted? I suppose answer this and in your beliefs you will understand what your life is worth, how great it is, and the responsibilities beholding you. I will believe that my destiny will only be known when having reached that particular desire in life; no matter what life holds for me, in my mind, life has taken the course to teach me that I do have a gift and I have a responsibility for that gift, but whatever happens otherwise is not for me to question.
“Not everyone is meant to make a difference. But for me, the choice to lead an ordinary life is no longer an option”
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| I'm just out to find the better part of me |
March 26, 2008 |
I know a man of spirit
and strong character;
A man who holds the
future in safe hands;
A man who makes me so proud.
That man is you,
my son.
A key ring my mom gave to me contained this saying. I came across it when recently looking through a box of things I had put together from my mom and my own things. It made me remember..
Despite what I have learnt and felt in months which have fallen by in time, I realise I am still the boy from years ago who knows that no matter what he wants to do in life, eventually his call will befall him. I will be the man who can’t share his life with others in the way a normal one should for a reason which only my soul seems fit to understand.
Everyone has their fight, for some reason my one is this. I do wonder why I allow myself to fall back into it, but whether I have a choice or not, I’d rather my life be no other way. At the end of the day, it is what separates me from everyone else I know. Some friends judge me for it as they can’t understand why, but it is not their fault.
Since a boy, I have had this life to live up to and again, only my soul knows why. Through a memory which will forever remain in my heart, my life will be lived as it was meant to be for others.
'Through you'.
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| I've had this poem on my mind of late (re-entry) |
March 22, 2008 |
She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.
One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impair'd the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling place.
And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!
-Lord Byron- |
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| What is to love? |
March 21, 2008 |
(An aspect of my belief)
Love others as you would wish to be loved. Judge no other man or woman as you yourself should not act to judge your own worth for the moment you do, you do not love the way you should love. Our ability to try is not without fault, we aren't perfect, but as long as we try on any given day! |
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| Greatness is a rareified air we are taught to breathe |
March 19, 2008 |
These last several days my mind has been in a place of rather absentminded mess. It all began Friday, the day when I had a 2,500 word essay to hand in by 11:59pm and which come 10:30pm I was getting ready for bed with zero words written and still a fair amount of studying to do for the particular essay topic in question.
My mind had begun to wander and eventually filled itself with overwhelming thought which I failed to understand for what reason. It would have been my moms birthday come this Easter Sunday and yet nearly six months on, the time that’s passed feels twice as long, though the memory fresh as if only still a few days ago.
On the fifth day since that essay should've been handed in, I now find myself having finally finished it. My absentminded state still exists, but I'm getting there. I was at the point where I wasn’t at all interested in the essay; I just wanted to be outside soaking in the day, the air, birds singing, people roaming, cars moving, music listening, a gentle and straightforward recipe for thought which creates nothing but a smile; no vision, no what to do, no why, how, where or such.. just the joyous moment of being at ease with life.
Over the weekend I was trying hard to remind myself to fall back into the fighting spirit of things so to get my essay complete and to find purpose in life again to which I for a short time had lost.
Sometimes I wonder why I constantly have to reiterate into my mind the fight one has to consistently give throughout life; am I that weak inside that I have to try to be this person, or is it instinctive of my character to persistently let my heart roar with passion to fulfil the drive I have in life. I like an easy ride now and again, so yeah, perhaps it's understandable why now and again I have to give myself an internal shout to get a move on in life... not forgetting the fact that some people will tread on me if I don't; or so I believe; it's an ego thing then? I don’t bring my ego to the table thank’ya very much.
I'm going out shopping today.. grocery shopping that is. I want to buy myself an Easter egg, lol. My sister is getting me one, my bro gave me one today as he won’t be able to come down this Sunday, but I kind of want to indulge in one that I bought myself, lol. When I was younger, it was my mom who bought them and she always got some real cool Easter eggs, ones which came with mugs or like a dozen chocolates accompanying a real fat ass chocolate egg. The smile on my mom’s face as we – more so me – was attending to the opening of them is a memory which lasts with me, my mom’s eyes always lit up when she smiled, even better were the hearts she made light up when she did.
I had an impression of who I was the other day, a painting envisioned in my mind. Can’t remember what made me come to it, but to me, envision yourself in a painting and you have a better understanding of who you are. I envision myself as a Roman General. I have my duties to fight the given fight, but away from my duties I have my only other reason for existence, my wife, my queen. I try to find a word to show her true beauty, but words fall short. Only her feel, her taste.. her scent! We are playful together. Other days we share each others wisdom. From dawn to dusk if the day provides, we do not part each others kiss.
It’s an aspect I see in who I am now. Days I have to fight, my heart roars not with anger as anger puts a man off his guard, but with well constructed fury. I get frustrated at the incompetence of other men; their ego too much for their own good. And with the hope I hold for finding a queen who share's her wisdom with me as I would do with her, we enjoy calm and fond playful moments together, and on most given days, we wish never to part the kind and intimate presence of one's love for each other.
I have a best friend – we joke at times that we aren't even real friends, that when we be hanging together, we don’t even know why! Lol. But we have heated arguments. We real close in terms of the wisdom we share with one another. He says we compliment each other, where I’m the patient keep it chill, no worries kind of person, he is the impatient, does worry and does work up an ego over shit kind of person, 'till I remind him that it doesn’t have to be that way, and soon he calms down… I can’t remember what else he deems us to compliment each other by, lol.
He seems to have got into his head that I’m not who I say I am. He has managed somehow to develop a real mislead perception of me. He talks about it being social inept, I say about some who can, some who can’t and those who try to do when they shouldn’t are those who are being untrue. For some reason he didn’t see it that way and he really moaned. Lol. His way is his way, mine is mine, but for some reason he's adamant on his way being my way too.. lol… that is the competitive nature of our friendship.. but there is another thing, something that I am completely oblivious to, which he says is keeping me behind. He said that he thought I was a person who he could talk to on a high level, but no, not at all as I am oblivious and lack the ability to talk on that higher level but to me, I say to him, "whatever it is you believe me to be oblivious to, is a belief of your own and yours alone, for your understanding of me is wrong whether you admit it or not" - which he doesn't, but its ok, because to each their own.
Eventually he told me that what I'm oblivious to is the fact I go through life not admitting to problems I apparently have - so he says - thus making myself sound as if I'm on some higer level than he is. He said I'm either deluded into believing I have no problems, or my way of thinking is either natural or enforced, the latter of course being unhealthy and the prior I would say oblivious like deluded, only really to the extreme.
Sure, I have my days when I'm questioning something, but the reason I don't believe I have any problem (those who know me correct me if I'm wrong) is the pure fact that I don't see any other person in this life to be any better or higher than me for the moment they believe so, they have judged me and unless I have given them real reason to, to which I can accept, then they are nothing to me come the end of the day, just another incompetent fool oblivious to how they should treat others. Love others as we would wish to be loved, in other words, judge no other man or woman as you yourself should not act to judge your own worth for the moment you do, you do not love the way you should love. Our ability to try is not without fault, we aren't perfect, but as long as we try - any given day!
Anyways, we still friends at the end of the day, well, so we say, lol.
Ok, this is getting on a bit now. Until another time.
Keep Cheerful
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| Love is the light scaring darkness away |
March 17, 2008 |
I remember when I opened my heart to you and you walked in without hesitation. Ever since, you have lived there with desire and I hope you always will.
Do you feel comfortable being in my heart? Is it the safest and purest place you have ever been or ever will have been? I wouldn't ever want you to leave; in my heart is where you are most treasured..
I wake up every morning at the thought of you still being there. I smile warmly at every moment throughout the day when my heart has a fuller beat as it reminds me you are still there. I go to bed at night happy that there you are still, and so calmly I dream of you and I laying in each others arms in a faraway field under the starlit sky. A smooth breeze picks up strands of your hair and I observe as you peer freely at what you think about with us in the future.
Did I forget to mention the kiss I share with you when I wake up? The note I leave you to find during the day to let you know I'm thinking about you ..and the long smile with unwavering gaze I give to you at night before gently kissing you in the same way I did with the first passionate kiss we shared together to remind you that you are still there in my heart.
Locked up anywhere else in the World would not be so pretty, but locked up in my heart which I always give to you.. in my heart is where you will always be my love. |
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| Life is to a flower as a flower is to life. |
March 16, 2008 |
Today my heart fell into the earth, became buried, lost and could feel no future beyond today. Like spring however my heart turned into a seed and underneath all the earth began to prosper into a heart again, a daffodil having blossomed in the fresh spring..
At given moments I have thoughts which challenge me for my worth, but only when down do I learn to get back up, for the battles I endure hold a legend far greater than the man who faced Goliath.
Sometimes people like to bring you down whether intentionally or not. Individuals or more try to believe they know you, but forgive them for they lead a misled life. Laugh at the thought which deems you to be wrong, take pity on the person who believes so.
No matter what guidance you seek or the situation you endure, there is only one way in life to grow and that is through your own way. The earth isn't so bad a place to be at times for when buried without light, we have the prosperity of thought to release what our heart breathes for; freedom within.
..Yes, a daffodil has never been so beautiful.
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| How do you define beauty? |
March 14, 2008 |
Her smile is like no other, so constant, so big, dimples too; there is so much happiness to be seen in her smile, you can't help but want to be a part of it.
She mutters random words, it's cute and makes me smile with fascination. With one word which she randomly mutters, she then sighs and bows her head with a slight fling to which her delicate hair falls into new perspective to show off her beauty in a different light.. at that moment does a funny feeling inside of me take me back and allow me to realise, 'WOW, she really is beautiful'. Inside of me my heart is smiling. |
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| You've got the mind, but not the guts |
March 13, 2008 |
Is it wrong to tell a woman (a classmate from university) whom I don't really know, that she is beautiful?
I often like to believe that you just do in life what you have to do, after all, you only get that one life; then modern standards make me believe that it's not perhaps the most natural thing to do.. then again, what is modern standards.. a rather distorted way of life, which is not something I conform to.
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| Because breathing is underrated |
March 9, 2008 |
She wasted her smile on me..
I was walking along the main aisle to reach the checkouts where I was going to purchase a 2 for £2 on 'Mr Kipling' cakes and also a 500g pack of 'Mcvities Digestives'. Walking in my usual unintended demeanor to which any other person would think I'm giving them an evil, 'or real pissed off what the hell you looking at' kind of facial expression, I happen to capture the attention of a rather beautiful young girl to which she glances at me once,but then quickly follows up with another gaze and a smile.
Slow to react however as my point of view and expression was nothing at all intent on capturing this young girl's smile, that when she did smile at me I glanced right by her leaving the smile to which she so kindly shared with me feeling unappreciated and wasted. |
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| How to handle a woman... |
March 5, 2008 |
“How to handle a woman?
There’s a way,” said the wise old man,
“A way known by ev’ry woman
Since the whole rigmarole began.”
“Do I flatter her?” I begged him answer.
“Do I threaten or cajole or plead?
Do I brood or play the gay romancer?”
Said he, smiling: “No indeed.
How to handle a woman?
Mark me well, I will tell you, sir:
The way to handle a woman
Is to love her…simply love her…
Merely love her…love her…love her.”
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| Frustrated loyalty |
March 3, 2008 |
I am not afraid to not hold back; It's holding back which I'm afraid of.
I'm not usually a person who can have his thoughts influenced by other people, but when it comes to love, anything goes.
Last week I had more communication with a girl (whom I was once fond of) than I have had in perhaps a whole month prior to last week. It evokes the feelings I once had and as usual, I jump at the feelings.
Does it mean something? Or was / is.. it just your average conversation?
What really got me going was the 'hope to see you soon', something I have never heard from her. Now I understand it can just be your general and kind 'hope to see you soon'; or it can be your eager and really sincere 'hope to see you soon'.
A friend said to me today she was asking about me? Again.. just general chit chat? or have I been on her mind that she really cared about me to ask where I was, how I've been etc etc...
Lol... the thought plays on my mind and I am at the point where the contact feels so warm that I would hope it could carry on going as it is. However, I feel that maybe I myself have a part to play to try and initiate some contact with her.. though having only just thought about it, I have.
I think to myself.. what really is the situation here; and then I find myself believing that there is an opportunity and I shouldn't hold back, afterall, we only have one life and not always the chance, so maybe I should take a risk?
I don't believe in risk; I believe in calculated judgement. Or what my friend would call, 'failing to admit my problem', that being that I am scared. Am I? Am I that stubborn that I can't see it like that... I wouldn't say so, lol. Perhaps we can bring fate into the question. Destiny - an event or course of events which though inevitable, will still surprise you when it happens - yes, that does sound like love does it not. You can't always see it coming, be that a positive thing or a negative, the point is still valid - regardless of the topic, though in this instance, love.
So I say to myself, maybe I should try to grasp the opportunity which has presented itself, then not being scared but instead calculatedly (is that a word?, lol) judging the question.. maybe there is no actual opportunity and I am making something out of nothing. That is fate my dear.. you never know.. I guess at the end of the day fate is down to your own judgement, you do have given choices, but regardless of whatever one you took, you'll only end up where you belonged in the first place.
Maybe fate is for people who are just lazy. They feel they may be risking something, their feelings, their future... maybe they are just scared and maybe so am I. I look back at my life and see that even with my career choices, they may have been the result of some form of fear that I thought taking a risk would not be worth it. I honestly don't believe that though, I know myself and know that my career choices have stemed from what I indeed call calculated judgement.. fate; The event or series of events which lead you to the inevitable, or another thing we call life. It is true that fate does not fortune everyone, and that they people are perhaps indeed scared of taking a risk in life, but whether you know the situation is a risk or a calculated judgement call, it still reiterates fate. Fate.. it's up to you. Fate.. whatever will be will be. Fate.. as if you really had a choice?!
I'll sit patiently and wait for the given calculated judgement. Patience is a beautiful virtue for those who possess it. |
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| Your beauty gives a whole new meaning to life |
February 29, 2008 |
His fingers intimately caressing her supple cheek; with a gentle smile he whispers to her, "look at me". As she does, he captures her beauty as if seeing her for the very first time. Slowly he moves towards her to display the infinite love he holds for her by the 'kiss' intently placed on her fervent lips. |
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| A thought of you always |
February 26, 2008 |
..."I was touched most by the don't be afraid to express yourself part, lol, you know what im like so sometimes I feel its better to hold in my purest thoughts. But then other times I think just letting them know how special I think they are and that they are in my thoughts is more meaningful and worthwhile regardless of how random or unexpected it was, lol; afterall like the message, we only have one life and maybe not always the chance"... |
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| Even the best fall down sometime |
February 23, 2008 |
Not a notion a perfectionist would like to hear.
I find alot of the time I question my abilities. In projects I constantly debate with myself over my capabilities to complete the task in adequate fashion that often by the time the project is due, I find myself with little time to complete it, lol.
Worse than that though is when constantly second guessing the things I say to people. I often stress on how the receiver perceived what I said, that what I said was not perceived good enough. So often I sit about anticipating the outcome of whether my words were in fact helpful, funny, intelligent, or rather then opposite for each one.
In terms of the first problem; I remember my mom always saying that I would achieve great things and reminding me to always be the best.. not her exact words, but such is what she implied. So whenever I feel I'm questioning my capabilities, I remind myself of what my mom said to me; it spurs me on.. and yes, I do find myself extracting the best out of my abilities thereafer.
The second problem though. Well; I just don't know how to work that one out, lol. Like a perfectionist, whatever I do never seems good enough, usually because anything I do, I need for every fragment of its creation to be spot on in the right place.. the words of which I speak, the things of which I do and the moments in which I do them.
Perfectionism is not funny (saying so as I smile, lol) ..it does eat at you alittle..
I was thinking to myself a while ago.. when life is over.. will I have conquered my perfectionism and basked in the highlights of my life, or despite whatever achievements I have, will I question the very life I led and mutter upon my own breath.. "I wish I could do it again... maybe a second time it would be better". |
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| Peace starts with a smile |
February 18, 2008 |
The weakly founded man with a slightly crippled posture signals his inadequacey to be seen by all in the World. He makes a mockery of the fellow whom apologised for standing in his way...
Walking briskly while on the phone, he gazes upon the park slightly below his view. A younger man catches his attention by gesturing to him as if an old acquaintance; the man puzzled as to whether he knows this younger gentleman continues his conversation on the phone while hurrying his strides to make it for the train.
He hears the young man shout a comment towards him of abusive nature... again he looks at the younger gentleman who with a blank hideous expression waves as if all is calm and that the comment instead came from the blustery weather. He looks away but again he hears another comment echo from the path of the younger man below and so thinks to himself...
Forgive them for they know not what they do.. or.. if you were to mumble your callous words upon the intent look on my face you will see the fury fall from thine eyes which ripple my cheeks with a voice ready to roar the awakening heart full of fighting passion.
It's a balancing act one has to keep reminding himself. To go through the daily activities in simple and pure thought.. or instead approach life in aggressive matter believing that unless one who bows before you and you equally to them, that any other person is merely an enemy against you.
Ego is as apparent as the sky, superior ego is for those who know nothing. Ego takes form regardless.. whether kindly.. superiorly.. or in fight.
Regardless.. fight the given fight. Be the best regardless of those who want to bring you down.. a life is your life and a life is those who will share yours to their death and yours theirs.
One realm from all others.. another realm reveals itself another given day. |
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| Thought makes practise... |
February 1, 2008 |
"if you are living to save the world you are most like going to be sorely dissapointed".
[anonymous (208.100.252.64)]
To whom ever wrote this comment in my previous entry, I can't but thank you for replenishing by declining passion.
I felt briefly that I was moving on from my mom yet gaining strength in my reason for life, only to find that as I was letting go of my mom so to was I of this 'intention'.
I wanted to lock in my heart and mind the memories of my mom's suffering so to never forget my intention; it's not the healthiest way to go about such a cause and I need not a push to keep my will. My will must come naturally.
My thoughts are young, my actions even less; I understand the aforementioned plan may be far from reaching the intention I pursue and that alot more has to be done, but I believe in simplicity being the key to success.
I am not a fool and fully understand my task will not be easy, but I don't give into odds. You always have a choice and my choice is to keep fighting for what I believe in, no matter how hard my thoughts differ - I care to believe my fluctuation of thoughts is just the transition I'm taking from having to think about how to do this to being the person who just does it without having to think any longer about how to do it - 'simplicity is key'.
A constant thought becomes you. Control the thought you want yourself to become and you reap your destiny.
Sorely disappointed? Perfectionism may rule the mind and have its various consequences ...but practise makes perfect. |
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| Represent |
January 31, 2008 |
To build an image for the world to look up to and follow.
I am 20 years old and dress day in day out in formal attire - in fact - the only individual at his University who dresses in such attire and often the only man who walks any other day in formal attire without need to (but does because it's who he is).
I believe that a presentable image will aspire others to be presentable.. not only in appearance, but in manners.
Everyone needs someone to believe in; attributes to which they can build the foundations of their own life.
I think again about how can I help the World so I come up with this briefly..
I am the product. I am the service. I am the business.
My customer is 'any individual socially deprived without will'
To resolve this problem a thorough geodemographic analysis of regional locations to identify and understand key social deprivation problems will be carried out with specific breakdown of local communities within each regional location which when completed will represent the prime 'deprived' hotspots throughout the nation.
Once having identified the prime locations requiring attention, the intention will be to set up premises to initiate relief in the identified deprived zones. This will be done locally and expanded regionally and then nationally. With effective monitoring and sustainment of resources, the intention will be to carry out the same operations globally throughout 'high priority' (deprived) countries.
Lol.. yeah.. sounds like a plan. It's not even the beginning of it though. So much more to be done.. to be thought of. When first coming up with this I thought to myself.. is it really that easy? Can this be implemented just like that? Well.. no, not just like that.. but regardless.. is the idea really the correct idea to resolve the Worlds problems in terms of social deprivation.. surely someone else would've already been taking such measurements to help the World if it was; actually.. yes.. some people / organisations have and are..
I don't know sometimes.. I've lost alittle energy and spirit compared to a time that I can't even remember.
I have to save this World.. only God know's why, but I feel it's my obligation - my intention! |
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| If you are what you say you are |
January 25, 2008 |
Life is constant change; in my case, a constant transition of thought process over personal matters in life.
I wondered how to help the World and I came across the realisation that how I wanted to help the World, it wouldn't happen - quite frankly the World is far too messed up for any person to change it economically for the better of mankind. The World wants to rid poverty - the underpriviledged - and making the World better off economically seems to be the answer, or as the 'World Economic Forum'puts is:
"We believe that economic progress without social development is not sustainable, while social development without economic progress is not feasible".
Simply translated means.. the World will never abolish Poverty or the underprivileged societies. And so I've decided not to battle against something which will never bare fruit. So as usual.. I'll do it my way!
So I keep thinking and thinking through things.. my current thoughts of life, and I find myself thinking about my mom again.
Sometimes I get surprised with the
thought of my mom still having actually passed away, but more so, I still feel I didn't help her out enough during her time of need - the kid who wishes to give love to all in the World and I couldn't even give it adequately to my mom.
I run through thoughts of how she asked me to be strong for her, but rarely did I show enthusiasm on most days.. saying that.. I'm not sure how true that statement is.. truth is.. I don't know why I keep holding onto the inadequacies of my duties. Perhaps the situation and sombreness masks the good I ever really did. I don't know. When my mom fell weaker I should've made her strong and raised her spirit, "hey mom, so what do you want to do today? Go visit a friend? Go around the shops? Go to a tranquil spot and watch the beauty of nature cling around your senses??" But no.. I gazed upon my mom sitting weakly eventually to the days when she struggled to keep her head balanced.
When spending time with her I only ever remember spending short intervals with her.. get her up for breakfast, make her breakfast, go downstairs and have my own breakfast while she eats hers.. (well there you have it - inadequacies were a true statement) then go up stairs and spend time with my mom until she was ready for her first sleep of the day.
Depending on how adament she was on me to call her, I would either allow her to rest for as long as she wanted until she called me, or I would call her thinking she may have had enough rest and might want to be called to get up and have lunch now. If she was regenerated enough to get up for lunch I would get her out of bed, sit her down and adjust her cushions until she mentioned she was comfortable. I would go downstairs, prepare her lunch and then bring it up to her.. more than often sit on the bed watching and helping her eat until she was finished. Not always would we talk, not always would my mom have the strength, not always would I have a thought to talk about.. some days I would go in and out of my room briefly to check the internet or do something.
Before her condition really started to deteriorate, she would stay up till dinner, give her something light.. spend time with her until she was ready for bed, tuck her in then spend a couple mins in the room until she was asleep; but when she started to get worse and needed an extra sleep before dinner.. maybe not getting up to have something to eat so late that sometimes by the time when she went to bed again it would be after midnight.
What bothers me the most is the amount of time I spent with my mom.. I can't remember whether I spent enough time with her or not..
did I just do what I needed to go and then go away.. or was I really there for her watching over her? I just can't remember.
When I notice I'm almost moving on and forgetting about these thoughts, they come back and through another period I go off questioning the job I did for my mom again.
To be honest, I'll happily live with that 'inadequate' thought for the rest of my life if it reminds me of how unconditional to be in my love for others.
I get rather bored being preachy to people.. giving insight, theory, spiritual guidance.. that was never me; only God knows why I went through such stage.. I was never sure whether my words ever helped or touched anyone either, but that's ok.
I'm quite happy to wanting to go back to the kid who said little, but did alot. I was the quitest person around, but certainly the most cheerful - always smiling.
I'm no longer bothered in touching people with words of wisdom (supposedly, lol).. I'll just say the neccessary word, but keep showing the natural smile God carved on my face - the smile says more than my words ever would. Words of wisdom is someone who is not really me. The quite kid who could cast a helpful hand is who I am.
Hmmm... let's see how my thoughts change in the upcoming week!
"If you are what you say you are - a Superstar - then have no fear".
[Lupe Fiasco - Superstar] |
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| Beliefs |
January 13, 2008 |
'This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you' - John 15:12
In a persons beliefs we have seen on one side the great legends who've led a worthy way of life and on another side the infamous hopeful's responsible for an inexcusable cause.
From childhood into adolescence we form our own beliefs from numerous influences and the more time elapses as we enter adulthood we strive to turn these beliefs into actions and results to which we often either succeed in, fail in, hesitate or keep wishing thoughtfully that "today or tomorrow will be the day I act in my belief".
From losing weight, watching less tv, being more proactive, improving our grades, being kinder to people around us, doing as your parents tell you, from pursuing a certain career to controlling the love life you aspire to. In our beliefs we all act on our thoughts and intentions whether we are aware or not.
My sole belief in life is 'Love'. Throughout my years there has been a battle within me as to where my love should lay; in the arms of an intimate loved one or in the hope of all individuals in the World that I can manage to come across and touch.
If ever to have 'intimate love', I intend for the both of us to still be pure in virginity until lawfully and spiritually united as my belief is for our bodies to have preserved our sacredness for having found the true love of another whom I and she believe will be our lifetime soulmates until death do we part.
I believe in intimate love which builds its foundations on an emotional connection and not a sole physical connection.
If my love however were to lay in the hopes of the individuals I am to surround; my belief is that if such is my Will, 'intimate love' cannot be found and only will I exist to have abandoned myself to the 'Will' of this World.
I am yet to grow in supreme love for others, to where love becomes freedom and not discriminative of others doings; but I shall grow to that supreme love so to love 'all' in this World.
My pure intention of love lays not for the sinners who know not what they do, but for the people who lack what they would give to others in their state if they were not so weak to do so - love.
"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat,
I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink,
I was a stranger and you invited me in,
I needed clothes and you clothed me,
I was sick and you looked after me,
I was in prison and you came to visit me...
Then the righteous will answer him;
'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply,
'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'"
Matthew 25:35-42
All the above is an act of love and love shall be restored to those who have been neglected by the love on earth for other possessions. It is my belief that I have a God given intention to show and restore hope and love to those who have not been granted such gifts by others who are unaware in their actions.
It is my belief that such a life has always been my destiny and only recently have I been guided to know that this is my intention. Love is all I have ever known and you may ask why the need to help people in the World who are short of being shown love? A large part of this belief has just always been there without no reason for it's existence - I was born that way - but when you have a person in your life who means the World to you and has suffered in a manner which replicates the pain and suffering of all individuals who bare a similar fate, the most important gift to them is your love and so many people in the World no longer have this gift of love for such is the extent they have been abandoned in their time of need.
My belief is that it's my responsibility to give hope and love to the people who suffer in this World and feel abandoned of such gifts. |
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| For you |
January 8, 2008 |
For awhile now I've been having thoughts about what to do in life. I keep getting an urge to really just abandon myself from all habit - even my interests - and just start living for my intended will (so I keep believing, lol).
I have a hope and intention to help the World and all the people who belong. I look about for how one can do such things and the mass of problems that I find which exists and I begin to understand how God feels.
Nonetheless, this given thought only drives me more to help the World; "One person really can make a difference". Amidst my search I find how deep I really need to go to achieve my intentions and I find myself believing that what I hold.. my intention.. it bares no fruit of what other souls have already tried for their fruit has rotten and decayed in their efforts. My intention wil be carried out and will last even beyond my time.
The world shall inherit 'Hope' for the memory of the one who needed it most.
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| Not addicted |
December 13, 2007 |
Where beauty has always been the one, my heart has chosen to follow in disseminated style across everything which I surround that if hindsight weren't a wonderful thing I'm sure blood would be smeared across the walls for all to see of how loose my heart is these days.
I half know what I'm looking for at times; the other half I'm wondering why I'm looking; Supposedly to keep believing in what I intend to say and do throughout life, but it's a rather half arsed attempt to understand that what I say and do is only ever inevitable in the first place so why try now for the harder things when in the future these challenges I've failed to grasp will in way of life simply be falling at my feet.
I guess that's the portrayal of one's only true existence without the need of course to prove to anyone let alone oneself that what I (we) say and do believe in is in fact real and not false ideals for one's own true worth and in essence, belonging.
And yes.. this is pure random bullshit, lol. |
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| I don't think you'd see Superman with an Ipod in his ears |
November 29, 2007 |
So yet another week passing by since my mom and what's new? Well.. in a sense nothing physical! But mentaly? Well... a fair bit is new! :-)
I shall say it's been perhaps the best week since my mom. Not yet letting go, but no longer hanging on - her memory glides rather than clings and I smile upon her love and beauty and having held her time a many.
I find myself getting back into the rhythm and way of life I fought to live. I do wonder if that's the way my mom wants it which I'm very sure she does, but from a small moment every so often, I will question whether that should be what she wants.. as in letting go or not? She would rather I let go - at times I'd rather not - but I know I should and will.
Well.. I am pretty happy regardless of the little things.. be happy and smile also.. tell others they're beautiful regardless of whether you know them or not.. offer them the hand they didn't ask for outloud, but you knew they wanted inside. Just smile and they shall smile inreturn. |
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| A spiral of thought |
November 24, 2007 |
So my thoughts are just a person running circles in my head; doesn't seem to be going anywhere and the breaks for good feeling are rather shortlived! So then again I feel blank and rather bothered about life!
I kept thinking life is or can be ideal! I feel rather forgetful of that belief now. Lol - it happens! Or does it?
I seem to not want to care half the time. I feel lost in what I want or need. Don't feel bothered about love - don't know if I'm meant to be all that I believed I was - how on earth do you feel you could start a clean sheet when you've already gone so far?!
I often feel now like there is nothing left. I care that little do I? No! I shall hold back the swearing and the wee bit if anger.
I might be moving in with my sister. My brother said to her that she shouldn't hold on to material possessions - as in memorable and worthwhile possessions having once belonged to my mother and father. I don't hold on to them.. and couldn't care less about never seeing such items again.. I just hold on to the greatest possession I ever had which is now gone! "She's in your memory and in your heart never to be forgotten" they might say. Maybe so, but the only real person to ever be your life and your love.. the one person you really cared for; they're gone and I wish to blame myself. They're better people for letting go.. yet me, the person who dreams of saving the World and already I have a bad tick against my name. That's perfectionism for you; always displeased with what you gave in effort - it's never enough!
But it's oh so easy to say "hey it happens, tomorrow is a new day, nothing can really bring you down" and so on and so on! It's a balancing act - happy or depressed? happy or depressed? The difference between the two is that one of them I would only be fooling myself and trying to make me feel something I'm not yet ready to - the unfortunate thing is that if I take the other which I am, it won't do me well at all. So do I be what I am and see how far I spiral through my thoughts down onto the ground curled up like a man who lost sight of the World, or do I be what I'm not and keep battling the war within? Now you see my predicament. And there I was thinking it was going to be easy - I do like to count my chickens too early! |
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| The harder you think, the harder it becomes |
November 17, 2007 |
I feel like these last two weeks have been some of the hardest I've ever had to deal with.
I've had to convince myself that I didn't let my mom down and I've had to remind myself of what love is for me!
I've learnt that it's ok to think about my mom's suffering - it's natural and I'm not yet ready to let go - and love, well, I've reminded myself it's not yet what I want, not yet what I'm interested in.
I now feel somewhat free and ready to be me again. I love that life is simple yet again also and I now remember what it was like to actually be happy! I'm ready to be me! |
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| God made life, but not even God is perfect! Love was flawed |
November 15, 2007 |
Love is all I've ever known and is all I felt I would never have, yet I know it's something I've wanted and something others have wanted to give to me, but I find myself so faultered in my own life that I can't choose between the love God put in front of me!
I don't know if I'm searching for the easy way out or whether I'm trying to understand and do what's intended for my future - my destiny.
You know; I've loved others and fell in love with a girl so recently long ago, but deep down my mom is the only woman I've ever really loved - she was my World - and I lost her.. in a way to scar the heart and mind for so long that you could go a hundred life times before you could ever love naturally again without questioning that love with doubt.
A girl says to me she loves me and I don't want in... ok, it's understandable.. but what if numerous girls were to tell me they love me; would I still feel the same way?
I'm not satisfied much in life right now - too much routine in uni and not enough helping the World as I would intend to be doing - it makes me feel restless.
I find myself not being able to understand what I thought I wanted out of life. I don't know if any person can really understand me and believe that what I feel is really of that much complication and significance.
In the quietest of words but the loudest of actions, I'll let the World know I love them so.
Yet still my greatest struggle continues to fall flat on it's face!
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