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Walk through the door... |
May 2nd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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I'm still half expecting Brendon to walk through my door and for everything that's happened, to be one big dream.
It's not a dream and he's certainly not going to walk through the door any time soon.
I miss him.
Rob opted for the familiar. I wonder how long his need will last and how quickly he'll move onto someone new.
I miss him too.
No. I miss the way he made me feel.
I guess I've finally gotten up the courage to move on and pick my life up.
I'm now a beauty representative and actually enjoying it.
And I got set up with Kwinton.
The nice, shy boy who can't wait to see me again before I'm even gone.
Sigh. |
| 138 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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I will never be the same. |
March 2nd, 2007 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Sarah Brown -
Feeling: alright
It's odd writing in here.
Seems years ago that everything happened. Years it was.
I used to be so concerned with how I was in the world. How I appear to people.
I care for nothing of the sort now.
I don't even know where everyone is anymore.
I certainly don't know whats happened to Chelsea.
I guess I should update.
Brendon dumped me. HE dumped me. Yes.
I don't know if it matters who dumped who.
So many entries of break ups/arguments and make-ups.
I don't know if that sounds bitchy?
I care. I've always cared about him and I don't think I'll ever stop.
He wanted nothing to do with me.
He [We] wanted another people.
He [We] gave up on us.
I gave up. Gave in.
I can't write of being in Christchurch. Of time in Auckland.
The good and the bad.
It just happened.
I want things to be okay again.
I suppose none of that matters now.
I've just become invisible.
I no longer exist.
Lies. Fuck it. I know I'm guilty.
I'm hanging out with Michelle again.
She's my past. She's everything I used to be.
I don't know if I'm ready to go back alone.
Things are weird without Brendon.
We were the gang.
Now, they've taken pity. Set-ups with random guys who can't even hold an intelligent conversation..
I don't want anyone else but him.
I'm okay though.
6 months ago I would have been a depressed mess.
Not now.
I'm alive.
Alone, but alive.
And that's all that really matters.
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| 81 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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Give A Little. Go. |
September 13th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I find myself caring less as each day passes.
All I can do is sigh and hope that this is all meant to be and I'll benefit from it somehow.
It's not even a big deal.
I just guess this means that he'll be working more now.
I want to do what I want.
I realise that I don't want anything from my list.
It's a vain attempt to make myself feel better on the outside and not actually target the internal issue.
In saying that, I don't want help.
It is comforting to not do anything.
I don't paint anymore.
I don't sing.
I don't see my friends.
All friends I have harboured are now moving on and all I want to do is wave them off.
But that feels okay for now.
The only thing I'm worried about now is turning out like my mother.
That is something I hope I never have to face.
I may never know, often people can't face up to what they're really like.
So just as long as I act fun-loving and less worried, less paranoid, less sarcastic and cut out the melodrama, I'll be fine.
Less me.
Damn, I have made this entry sound so dramatic.
No.
Silly me.
I'm so silly sometimes. =P
I feel much better now.
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| 14 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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Roller Coaster. |
September 11th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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I feel like a real dick for being so melodramatic.
So stupid after my fight with Brendon, that is.
I didn't have a leg to stand on.
He offered to see me on Wednesday, stay Friday night and take me to dinner on Saturday night.
The rest of the time he'd be working.
Because I was unhappy that he wasn't seeing me for the whole Saturday, I sulked, complained and cried.
DICK.
DIIIICCCCCCKKKKK.
Gah.
This is all because I have to give up my time to let him work.
Gah.
I need a job.
I get dinner on Saturday night!
Yeah, I'm happy with that.
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| 20 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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