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(40) for better or worse. |
October 4th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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the answer will never be clear.
would i take it back? what have i done that is so great? why do you want me around? you treat me poorly, i still love you. do i mean something? i can't have what i want with you. and you don't see it, or you don't care. i know you don't listen.
sigh.
for better or worse. what is my life? |
| 187 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
fork death
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(39) figured out. |
August 13th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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what defines betrayal. disloyalty. false fronts. and care.
?
is he untrue? what makes him believe he can get away with his lies? what makes him believe that i wouldn't find out?
it must be karma. except i don't really believe in karma.
he who has committed the act of betrayal, has been betrayed. unknowingly.
perhaps i shall write out what happened later. most likely, not. |
| 83 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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(38) why? |
August 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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i am utterly heartbroken and hurt. all i can do is try not to cry.
and all i want to do is hug and hold the one who did this to me.
i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him. but i don't have the power to tell him to go away. to leave me. to get out of my life. i want someone new. |
| 80 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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(37) a boy with dimples. |
July 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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i met a boy. very attractive he was. and a voice that just draws you in. he likes me too, well he thinks i am gorgeous. he's got dimples and a way about him that just makes me want to know a little bit more each time i see him. and a smile that can brighten my day.
i hope he calls. soon. he is someone who could make me forget about the other, i think. i could be happy around him.
i really like dimples. |
| 88 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
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(36) best friends. |
July 8th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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i'm over it. the moment is gone. he's back to being cold...not heartless, but cold. he has close to no emotion, and all he shows it for is himself and his boy. he laughs at me. in my face. i can feel it.
i am passed the random crying stage, and i think i am in denial, or regret. but i don't approve of having regret, because it only makes you feel worse. so i truly am unsure of my feeling, perhaps i feel better because i am honestly not hiding anything from him anymore, although he believes otherwise. and because i was honest with him as well as myself, i no longer need to question this aspect of my life. things are balancing out, there is always bad with good.
i wish i could talk to him the way we did that night. and a few other nights. i wish i didn't know that he only wants me around because his boy can't be there. i wish we could just be best friends. |
| 105 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
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(35) numb. |
July 3rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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it was today, early early in the morning. sometime before 4:30am. ernesto and i had been talking for about 6 hours. he kept talking to me about alejandro. we were having one of our really deep conversations. he told me that he is in love with alejandro. and he kept saying that i don't understand what he's going through. i said i did. but he didn't believe me. we were talking about our friendship. i finally got to tell him how i feel without getting in an argument and having him shut me up, and/or hang up. i told him how i feel unappreciated, and not respected. and how i feel like i am never a good enough friend. and he said that he thought i didn't even like him. and i felt worse, because of all the things i do how could i not like him. not love him. i cried. we talked some more. he told me he was sorry. he felt like such an asshole for not talking to me for about six months last year for no reason. he told me that he didn't know how i could possibly stay his friend. and he asked me how the hell i could put up with all his shit and still stay. he said, "i am so sorry for putting you through all that." he brought up alejandro again. there was a small silence. he then asked, "do you feel about me the way i feel about alejandro?" i was shocked. he asked me The Question. something i never thought i'd hear from him. i started tearing up. i said, "what do you mean?" and he repeated the question. i said, "i do not understand the question. like friends or what?" and he said, "what i've been telling you." and i took almost two minutes just to answer, "yes." the rest is somewhat a blur. but i do remember him asking why i stayed, even through every sad time and when he didn't talk to me for months. he said he didn't know what he'd do if alejandro just stopped talking to him. i started putting everything out. telling him how hard it's been for the last two years because i've been denying it and trying to push it away. and then last year i decided that i wouldnt talk to him anymore and if he really cared he would still try to be my friend, but at the same time he didnt talk to me and i was devastated. i told him that i had denied it up until that question. he asked me why i hadn't told him before. and i said that it was the same reason that he doesn't tell alejandro. and he said "do you really think i'd stop being friends with you because of this?" i don't remember what i said, i probably just cried. i could hardly speak. i could hardly breathe. i got a headache. and my eyes were still swollen when i awoke in the morning. all day long i've been wondering what to do. if he called i wouldnt pick up. i dont want to atleast. i can't handle the embarrassment. i went driving around just so i wouldnt have to be home. i was crying in the car. i am so ashamed of my feelings. i want to hate him. i want to despise him. i want to just yell at him to never fucking talk to me or come around me again. but with his apology, i cant. with him, i cant. he had to fucking apologize. he never apologizes...but he had to last night and make everything better. he had to make himself appear human by admitting that he has cried on the phone before and done things before and felt things before. he had to tell me these things. he had to tell me that he's always known how i felt. he had to break my heart a second time. i cant stand it, i have so much hurt i am practically numb. i want to cry but i cant. i dont want to cry but i do. he asked me how i feel when he talks about alejandro. i said that i dont feel anything. but he doesnt believe me. and he knows me too well, because i hate alejandro. for making him feel like he does, and for making me feel like i do. |
| 95 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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(34) nothing's too good. |
July 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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today was ernesto's 19th birthday. i spent a lot of money today, but it was worth it because it made him happy. and i won't miss that money in a couple of week, yet i will still see him [hopefully] enjoying what i got for him. first i had to go shopping and buy everything, because i haven't had time lately. so i went to walmart. then i went to the t-shirt store. then to target. then to mervyns.
at walmart: razor. shaving gel. pack of gum.
at t-shirt store: 3 black tshirts.
at target: bag of cat food. box of wet cat food. batman begins movie. a card.
at mervyns: new black backpack.
then i went to his house. i had put everything into the backpack. i walked into his room and he saw the backpack and he got all happy, trust me, he really needed a new backpack. the other one was all ripped up and stuff. and he hugged me and stuff. and i said "you haven't checked inside the backpack." he actually thought i just got him a backpack. i mean come on. i am not that lame! haha. so he opened it. took out the card. saw the razor. the shirts. and the rest. and he said "you know me too well. you know everything i need, and you got it for me. you even know my favorite brand of gum."
we were then going to leave to go ice skating. but we got kind of lost and he called his friend for directions. we still couldnt find it. but then we FINALLY found it. hahah. and we walked inside with that blast of cold air...and saw a hockey game going on. no ice skating for us.
we then went to outback steakhouse. it was good, but we both got full really quickly. oh man, i was some of those aussie cheesy fries right now!
then, for my favorite part! i was driving and he was really curious about where we were going next. we passed target and he thought we were going there, and then the 99 cent store hahah. and i just kept driving, and he kept asking me...where are we going? and i made the turns i needed to take and we pulled into this area where sick dogs tattoo and piercing is and he was like "omg, are you SERIOUS? are you serious???" and stuff like that. i was so happy. hahah. he was like "what are we doing?" and i was like "what do you think we are doing?" it was so great. and so we went in. and he was shaking. and he told them that he wanted his nipples pierced. and when he got them done, his face was so great. priceless. it was cute. and after the first one he knew the pain...so he was trying to prepare himself for the second. haha. yeah. he was trembling a little bit. and then we had to go to albertsons to get some soap for the piercings, and he also got a toothbrush and mousse.
we went to petco after that and played with the kittens. and then sat in the petco parking lot listening to music, and him complaining about the piercings.
then we went to drive by supercuts to see if it was open so i could cut my hair, but it wasnt. so we went to sam ash, and it was also closed. :| we were then just going to go to his house, but he decided we should go to tony's house [my drumline instructor]. we went there and talked with some people and it was cool. then we went to his house. and he got a couple other movies he wanted and i was watching until i left. he didnt want to hug anyone, because of the piercing so i gave him a final bday high five and then we laugh and i sort of just hugged his head, and kissed him on the forehead and he said he had fun today. and that made me happy. :D
so far, this was my favorite of his birthdays. i actually did something, and got him something, on the actual day! |
| 87 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
fork death
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(33) all tell. |
June 8th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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i told L i liked him today. i feel weird now. i should feel happy, more free because it's like a freedom. it may be easier to get over him now. but instead i feel sad, because i am full of hope that something is there that most likely isn't. i shouldn't like him, i should be able to just move on, because why keep liking someone who doesn't like you back? well it's because of hope. hope that there is something there, hope that something will happen, just hope of being happy with that person.
i shall prove hope wrong most likely, for there is nothing there. nothing that i, nor anybody else, can peek. and so i shall continue on, and HOPE that he doesn't think everything i do is in this liking. but those fangs i glance with every smile of his cause me a bit more feeling. and that muscle, and laugh. sense of humor and personality. damn.
and so i shall sleep away the hope that there is anything more then friendship between us, because that must be all there is. he doesn't like me. why should he? |
| 84 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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(32) possibilities. |
June 5th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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| 115 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
fork death
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(31) real. |
May 20th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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trying to figure out my college schedule is more difficult then i thought. i don't know what classes i want to take, or what classes i can take. i haven't even taken my placement test yet. hopefully on monday. it's like everything is coming to a close. and it's exhilarating and exciting, yet perhaps somewhat scary because college is whole new freedom from high school. i am also starting to think about getting a new job, maybe starbucks. it's like right by my house and it pays more then regal, plus tips. i still have to worry about making a song for my senior recital for drumline, but yeah...it's gonna suck.
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| 80 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
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