Some things are kept unknown for a reason,
Choices are things you debate about,
But in the end you are put down for,
Believing in God is more important than living,
To some its the only way to go,
To others its the only way not to follow,
The way the world is now is pitiful,
Its dying away and no one notices,
Can't you just enjoy words,
Even if they mean nothing to you,
No matter how much you try,
This world will not allow people to be different,
So just hang up your good shoes,
And throw out your collection of priceless things,
Rebelling isn't when you don't believe,
Not believing is because you think for yourself,
But you'll never be respected for it,
So give up now that you think you're ahead of the rest,
Because they have you beat and you'll never win,
Its you against the world,
They don't want to lose to someone like you,
You should just pretend to be perfect if nothing else,
Why do you have to argue,
You know that we're always right why do you try,
Everything in the future might be against the law,
Like no low-rider jeans and no same-sex marriages,
They're out to destroy the unique individuals,
And only the different will suffer,
For our crimes of thinking for ourselves,
And trying to be different than everyone else,
So give up now be like everyone else,
Believe in god you know he's up there watching you,
Don't even look at the same-sex because its wrong,
Vote for the war and die fighting for your country,
Don't state your opinion about anything,
Let others think for you, your mind doesn't work right,
Choose to die if someone wants you to,
Wear only what others wear,
Be the same as your neighbor and nothing can go wrong.
"Goodbye to the girl"
She whispers in the darkness,
Her blood red smile doesn't show,
Her heart still pumps but she's dead,
You touched her and she froze,
Just like she did before,
The nightmares keep her up at night,
Of the night you took her,
The light burns her pale skin,
She'll never be the same again,
She's broken apart,
Never to be fix,
All of her skin is cut to pieces,
Blood covers the floor,
She whispers in the darkness,
Goodbye.....
Chapter 2- Put on the Happy Face I Gave You Yesterday
August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm
I just want to escape and just be alright. It just doesn't seem possible or even fessible. I just don't think it makes any sense but this is how my mind works, to confuse me then I break down and my brain is bothered and my brain breaks my heart with horrible words and I cry until I can't breathe. And this happens over and over again. I got so used to feeling this way, so sad and broken, that I actually fell into a habit of feeling like this. No one can ever understand anything. I do hate that. What can I do though? This depression is killing me and in the end it will kill everyone else leaving me alone. So I will enitibly be all alone and so tempted to kill myself. Depression will ruin my life, forever.
I feel like killing myself everyday. It's everyday and I can't control that. It's not that I want to die, I just don't want to live with depression for the rest of my life. It's hard to explain and no matter what I say about it. So, why do I waste my time anyway? No one ever listens. Suicide, why is it so hard for people to understand? They're all too selfish. Maybe I don't want to be here. I don't like people. I feel like some how I'm above them all. I know more than any of them know. I want to be everything. No one seems to let me do anything. I want out of this world or make it worth while. I'd like to get out from under this depression I'm getting tired of always being sad. I want to feel the razor once more but I'm not that brave. I just would love to feel it again. It was my freedom and now it's nothing. I feel alone without the cuts. And nothing can replace them. But I can't go back to that although I do want that high I get from it. I only get that when I'm bleeding. I need to cause myself pain that is real not this 'fake' pain that no one can see. And they don't believe. I need something more. It would be the best thing ever. But I can't b/c someone might find out. I guess I'll just have to hide it better. I just want someone who understands depression and Everthing I'm Going Through. I want people to notice something is wrong with me. I want them to care and find out what is exactly wrong and care to listen.--
I remember the house where everything started it was yellow on the outside and so dark on the inside. It held all of the bad memories that started a life of pain, fear, guilt, shame, tears, and memories I can’t forget. It all started after my biological father and my mother divorced I was too young to remember any of that. But at the age of five my mom met a new man who took on the responsibility of raising me and supporting my mother. But he took the responsibility of making my life hell by molesting me and later raping me. The whole ordeal lasted for 14 ½ years. I finally got away from it all when I was nineteen after my step-father and my mother divorced.
From what I remember of my childhood at the age of five my step-father began touching me, making me touch him, soon turned into him making me jack him off, him putting his fingers inside of me, and rubbing his penis on my body. Anything to sexually gratify him without penetrating me. He would tell me that every father did this and that it was our little secret for me never to tell. My mother worked so that’s when he would approach me and do all of these things to me. I didn’t know that it was wrong and I didn’t know what was happening. I later lost my grandfather when I was eight years old, that almost killed me. I began lying at school about random things. I was sent to a child psychiatrist but it was only for the lost of my grandfather not the sexual abuse. This continued until I was thirteen when he forced himself on me. He took my virginity and I always regretted the fact that I let him do that to me. The sex continued for years. I showed every sign of something wrong with me. I started starving myself it lasted for 2 years. I finally found out that it was anorexia and got through it. I started cutting my skin around the same time. I never understood that both anorexia and self-mutilation came from the sexual abuse I dealt with every day. I would just lay there wishing my mom could read my mind, wishing I could kill him, wishing God would make it stop, wishing I could only disappear, and wishing I could just tell someone. But when I got up enough nerve to tell someone I would freeze, he would threaten me, and I’d lie to get him out of trouble and myself out of all the misery of him being angry with me. He would tell me that if he went to jail my mom couldn’t work and take care of me and I’d be out on the streets that he was the only one that could provide for us. I’d believe him and chicken out. I told about 3 or 4 times. I even created a lie that I lost my virginity by one of my boyfriend raping me. I tried to interrupt the real facts with lies that I made up. I made myself actually believe that it happened so much that I would have nightmares about my ex-boyfriend doing it instead of my step-father.
When I was sixteen I found that alcohol and pot hid the fact that I was hurting and I could lose myself. My grades dropped and I failed my first year of high school. He started telling me I would never graduate and I’d be a high school drop out just like he was. I soon fell into a 3 year depression full of cutting myself, dark poetry that I wrote, locking away every feeling I felt, spending more and more time alone in my thoughts and bad nightmares. It was like a cloud of darkness was over me. I didn’t want to have any friends over anymore because he had already been molesting my friends. I feared for them as I feared for myself. I attempted suicide a few times but I finally realized no one would know what happened to me all these years. I couldn’t leave everyone in the dark about my life that was really a hell. I promised myself to hang on until he died so I could tell everyone what happened to me, what he done. I always felt I had the whole world’s pain on my shoulders. That I felt everyone’s pain at one time every time he’d be around. Everything on the television about rape, incest, or abuse of any kind would trigger me and I was freeze and become so emotional. No one ever knew why. I attempted to hide every emotion and I would tell no one what was bothering me. I kept this secret so close that it rotted my soul and I became a empty shell of broken dreams and fake smiles. I pretended everything was alright for so long. I wondered more and more every day what was wrong with me. I guess I pretended nothing was wrong for so long I forgot what was happening to me half of the time. I wanted answers to my questions and the right answer was right in front of me but I was too blind to see it until it stopped.
It didn’t stop until my mom and step-father divorced and he started talking to a woman from China. He left and traveled to China to see her. I stayed with my mother. I realized how all of this ruled my life so much and how wrong it really was. I feared the day he returned. I decided to live with my mother so I wouldn’t have to live with all of the pain anymore, I was free of him. He didn’t like the fact that I didn’t want to come over or even call him anymore. I don’t think he understands what wrong he did, if any. I did feel pity for him because of his life with his abusive father who drunk all of the time and would shoot randomly in the house even shot his mother once and him as well. But now I’m nineteen I recently got away from him and come forth and told my mother. I still haven’t went into much detail with her but she knows that’s what important. She also believes me whole-heartedly. I regret not telling her before and that I had to live with all of this for so long. Now I’m on the path to healing and putting all of this past me. Soon, one day I will confront him and tell him that everything he done was wrong. I fear that he’ll do it again with this woman’s daughter, whom is seven years old now. I don’t want anyone else to go through all the pain I did because of a man’s strong- controlling hands, made of fire. I know I will heal and everything will be in the past. I’m actually looking forward to the day where I can forgive him because I know I can’t forget it.--
I've found love, I found what it is and how it feels. I've found someone who makes me laugh and makes me happy, that's all I ever wanted. And that's what I have now. I love him with all of heart, mind, and soul. Never will I feel this way again or have I before.--
I broke off the engagement. It just wasn't right. I didn't like the idea of giving up my dreams and marrying early. I'll never be happy with anyone, really. I'm just not that lucky. I'm so complex no one will be able to understand me or love me.--
Me and my mom are back to normal with each other. That's great. I really like it now b/c before she was weird. We talked about it and now we're fine. She was just thinking I liked daddy more and that's why I wanted to stay here. But I told her that wasn't it. I thought that she needed to be on her own without me to depend on. And that I didn't need to depend on her anymore either. It was good for either of us. So it's better now and I'm greatful to have her back to normal. Thank God.--
