Tonight is the last night I spent in my mother's house. Hard to believe it was 2 months ago that I moved into here, a broken husk of a man. I cried so much in those first days of being here. The smallest things, the most obscure reminders of my utter failure, forced me to shut myself into my bedroom out of embarrassment of my emotions.

Tomorrow, I leave this town a stronger man. I've spent 2 months all alone but for the rare company of a friend and the responsibility of my son that I so happily have half the time. Its been one of the hardest spaces of time in my life... the shame of a failed relationship, the shame of a grown man and father moving back in with his mother, the guilt at being utterly unable to financially contribute to my mother's utterly bare cupboards. I've felt the world on my shoulders these past months, and I've broken more than once. My youngest sister, who has always looked up to me and seen me as a strong and optimistic man, has seen the deepest darkest parts of depression that I've ever reached.

But its hardened me. For better or for worse, I'm stronger. Like skin under constant stress, I've grown a callous over my emotions and weakness; at least I think that's the best way to explain it. I feel like I'm less prone to being hurt again... but I imagine its going to go both ways. I think that I've also had some enjoyment of life taken away, because I've been taught that caution is safer than passion.

Kelowna is a new chapter though, to be sure. More likely an entirely new book.

Lets see how this protagonist grows.

Sometimes you feel like you're healed and fine, and you're amazed at how fast it happened? Didn't you just feel like killing yourself just yesterday? Weren't you pining after that lost love just a few minutes ago? It can't have been that long since you were living in a different house, plotting ways to get her back, completely in denial of the person she'd become. But there it is, you're feeling fine now. It doesn't matter how much that pain feels like just yesterday. Something's happened, and you're magically healed, as if some romantic messiah descended from the clouds to close the wounds in your heart. Suddenly you're whole again, blessed be the romantic saints.

And then something happens, and you realize that you're not OK. You're not healed, and you won't be for a long time. The metaphor of the saints rings so true: its all in your head. None of their religious magic exists, and neither does your miraculous emotional healing. You were just hiding it behind the lamp post and pretending it wasn't there anymore. And you almost had yourself fooled, didn't you? You really believed for a moment that you were good as new.

Until somebody brought up the idea of some couple or another being together forever. And suddenly the taste of venom is on your tongue. Your lips curl into a sneer. You turn your nose up at the thought of 'forever'. You had that once, and it didn't work out for you. So how could it work out for anyone else? You had so much faith in that lover. You *knew* them, like nobody else did. You knew them better than they knew themselves, and even they told it to you on one of the many nights they laid beside you in bed whilst curled up next to you in a loving embrace. And then, one day, it turns out that not only were the two of you wrong, but you were horribly wrong. You didn't know them at all. It was all a clever disguise, a fantastically executed prestidigitation. The smoke clears and the mirrors shatter, and whereas you were holding your lover a moment before, now your embrace is pushing shards of that broken mirror into your chest. You're left in a bloody mess, without warning, because it turns out that you didn't know them better than they know themselves. You weren't forever.

And neither is anybody else. Romance is fine, love is amazing.... but forever? That's impossible. Its only a matter of time until the disgusting human nature of one partner gets the better of the other and one (or both) of them are left sobbing in their bedroom alone, writing angsty teenage poetry (regardless of age) and wondering how this could have happened, because they were in love and so perfect together. This is the danger of the word forever.

I remember believing in forever. I remember believing in a romantic future.

Now, I just live day to day. I'm having dinner with a gorgeous woman not long after I move to Kelowna. And that is all that I can see. Who knows if there'll be a second dinner? Or a third? Maybe some walks in the park, some nights laying in my bed watching the new season of Dexter? Maybe not though. I really don't care. If her and I become an item, something real and committed, I don't think I'll be able to take it seriously as a long-term prospect for a while. And maybe that's for the best.... taking it slow never hurt anybody.

I expect to be waking up next to some beautiful person often enough in the near future. Its simply in my nature to seek companionship. And I will love going to bed with them, holding them close. I will love waking up next to them, and savoring those minutes before one of us gets up to fulfill some commitment. But I don't think I'll be catching myself looking forward to the 'next time' I'll get to lay in bed with them, or do this or do that with them. Because I'll always have doubts about that next time's existence. The moment I start to rely on them for something, actually count on their commitment to me... that's the moment I get nervous and probably begin to erode the relationship at its edges.

Sure, I look fine on the outside. My heart looks nice and new and polished..... you'd never knew Kat hit a home run with it, bashing it with a single, clean (and unexpected), swing of her bat into a food processor a few blocks away. I've managed to track it down, collect all the bloodied pieces, and sew them back together. You can't even see the stitches! Its gorgeous, you can see your own reflection if you take a close look. But open the door and look inside.... what a mess.

Romance is still a work in progress for me it seems. Apathy may yet be the death of it.

Got a call from the landlord today. Our references checked out, we've officially got the place. I talked to Jackie and, once we figure out when a ride is available, we're going to make an appointment for Friday to sign the lease. It seems that the cogs of success are turning. After so many months of my life turning against me, it seems like things are actually (finally) shifting. We've got enough money to pay the damage deposit and 1st month's rent. We've got the apartment, for sure.

All that I'm waiting on now is information from the college. Just that letter of acceptance. And I'm really not worried about that... the registrar has told me that she's happy to see me come back. Everything should be fine there... even pessimistically I can't see much that could happen to jeopardize my standing as a student.

I'm putting Kat behind me too. Thoughts of her are rarer and rarer, these days. After all the pain she's wrought, I think I'm actually on my feet again. Am I ready to move on and find another lover? I doubt it. I'm not that healed yet. But I'm comfortable being by myself. I don't yearn for her anymore. I no longer wish that things had been different. I'm not occupied with the past any longer.... I'm occupied with the present, and the future. And those things, she has no part in. Or at least very, very little.

In just a few short weeks, I'll be in my own place. I'll once more be an authority in my own house, rather than feeling like an aged teenager while once more living with my mom. I've earned this, I think.

Jackie (Demitri's mom) and I looked at an apartment in Kelowna the other day. Its fantastic, its right across the street from the College and overall the apartment was fantastic as well. Its even on the 3rd floor... the building itself is only 4 floors, so I was happy. I like being high up... growing up in a small town like Oliver has given me a taste for tall buildings. I think the only complaint that I might have is the fact that I'll be moving back in with Jackie... its been 2 years since I left her, and I'm not looking forward to living with her again. We've mended our friendship, but I'd still like to keep her at an arm's length. Chances are, this will only last a semester... right now, we need the financial stability that the other offers, but 4 months from now we'll probably be able to find other roommates that would be better suited to us.

Seeing the apartment was really nice though. It reminded me that all my bullshit is almost done. Less than 2 weeks from now, I will be able to put it all behind me. New city, new apartment, new semester at school. No more stressing about money, because student loans will be here and I'll be able to pay my bills. No more (or at least less) dwelling on Kat and all that has happened... in Kelowna I'll have things to distract myself with. To top it off I've got a dinner date planned with a woman named Holly, who I met when we had some classes together 2 years ago when I first started my program. I was instantly attracted to her, but never made any moves... well recently we've gotten to talking a bunch, and I invited her over for dinner once I get the place worked out. She accepted, and I can't wait to entertain a gorgeous woman. It'll remind me once more that I can make somebody happy... I'm not some horribly flawed man, but rather just a great guy whose had a horrible streak of luck. Kat was the one who was flawed... her decisions were wrong, not mine.

I can't wait to feel like my own man again. Living with my mom, it puts me lower on the totem pole than I'm used to being. I want to be in control, and be able to do my own thing my own way.

The less I talk to Kat, the better I feel. Getting to Kelowna will keep me completely occupied.

I hope.

Its at your lowest points that you really can take stock of yourself and your weaknesses.

I'm such a strong person to everybody around me. Kat always told me that I was the strongest person she'd ever met... that no matter how bad things got, I always inspired her to stand tall. No matter what, I didn't falter, I always held her close and assured her that everything was going to be OK. I always had a plan. Even when I didn't have a plan, I had hope. The few times that bad circumstances even chipped away at me, it really bothered Kat... she figured that if things were bad enough to get me, of all people, anxious, then they really must be bad. But even then, I always had faith... I was just a bit shaky.

These days, I don't feel that strong anymore. Life has screwed me and screwed me. Shambhala was amazing... but I almost wish it hadn't happened. It gave me hope. It made me feel like everything would be OK. And you know, everything isn't OK. Life hasn't started to go my way. My luck hasn't changed.

I'm broke, in debt up to my ears, and alone.

I think that I need somebody. I think thats where I get my strength from. I can be strong for others, but not for myself. And in keeping their spirits up, mine stay aloft as well. When I was holding Kat and telling her that everything was going to be OK..... I was telling herself just as much as I was telling her. And she believed me. So why shouldn't I believe myself? To top it off, I had her beside me... no matter how bad things got, I could always count on having her beside me at night to comfort me. If nothing else, nights would be comfortable.

But now I don't have that. When I go to bed, the only thing I share my bed with is a big stuffed tiger. Like I'm some exceptionally large baby who needs comfort in the cold, empty night. I'm a grown man, for god's sake. What I'd give for a warm body beside me... just knowing something as simple as my own ability to make somebody beside me comfortable... it'd be nice. To know that I am worth something to somebody, that would make all the difference.

I know Demitri looks up to me... but its not the same. He can't reassure me.

Even just my friends. When I can make them laugh, or give them strength, I become strong through that. And in Oliver, I don't even have that.

Being alone kills my strength, like a god with no followers.

My sister introduced me to a girl today, who I hung out with for an hour or so and talked a bunch with. Strangely enough, her name is Kathrine too... not the same spelling as Kat's (which is spelled Kathryn) but still. The same name thing made me laugh a bit on the inside, as if life is poking at me and making a bit of a joke.

Katherine is nothing like Kat at all... its really funny actually. Kat is so fiery and emotional, but Katherine is very cool and intelligent. Its been a long time since I met a woman who could challenge my intelligence, and I really liked it. She doesn't have the raw sex appeal that Kat has... but there's something cute about her. In that awkward smart girl sort of way... I'm into smart girls though, so that definitely helps. This isn't going to go anywhere, she's moving to Vancouver at the end of the month and just wanted somebody to spend some time with before she heads out. I'm more than happy to be that person... just to get out of the house with somebody is nice.

The feeling I had when I left the house to go meet her... it felt like me again. Here I was, all dolled up fresh out of the shower, marching downtown towards the closest thing to a blind date I'd ever been on. It wasn't a date, it was just meeting this girl to hang out and chat, but still... all I had was a name. It was exciting. The possibilities were a rush... its sometihng I'd forgotten about meeting new potential romances; the wonderful feeling of unknowing. That you could be marching off to something wholly unexpected... its a beautiful feeling.

I'm not ready for a relationship yet, but when the time comes, I'm excited for that rush. Finding somebody amazing that I want to promise myself to, and wondering where life will take the two of us. That knot in my stomach in the moments before I kiss them for the first time... I got a taste of it at Shambhala with the girl I hooked up with, but that was meaningless and I knew it wasn't going to lead anywhere past however long she was in my tent. What I'm talking about is the feeling before I kiss somebody that I know I'll be kissing many more times, and wondering exactly how many kisses will be shared....

I'm definitely feeling better these days... I can honestly, sincerely say that I don't want Kat back anymore. My natural optimism is starting to shine through once more, obscured as its been for months, and I've realized that I'm going to be fine. I've realized that this is a massive opportunity to make something so much better happen... to grow as a person.

I don't hate Kat anymore. My hatred for Dave is starting to fade. Most of the negative emotions I have are just bitterness and loneliness. I'm worried that I'm going to rush into a relationship in Kelowna, to be honest... I've always had a counterpart, be it a best friend or a girlfriend. And I have neither right now... and its far easier to get a girlfriend than suddenly a best friend. We'll see though. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I hope that I'm ready to date when I do.

I hope I can make this new, mysterious person happy. I hope they see all the things that Kat stopped appreciating... or maybe they'll see great things that Kat never even noticed.

Its all about the beautiful unknowables, right?

Who knows what'll happen now...... after all that's happened though, there's nowhere to go but up.

I really hope that the child tax money comes in for Demitri this month.

Normally, parents get about $400 from the Canadian gov't every month to help with childcare costs... however, Jackie dragged her heels (being the mother, she was the one who had to do it) getting the paperwork done for it and we still haven't gotten it yet. Not all of it is her fault, as for about the last who knows how many months they were sending it to the wrong address. But now they've got the right one, and we're just waiting on a massive backpay cheque to come in... we've estimated it to be something to the tune of $9000, which Jackie and I would be splitting down the middle. We'll be splitting the monthly cheque from then on, as well. What a help that'll be.

When I broke my ankle, I obviously lost my job. By the time my ankle was healed, my former employer didn't have enough work to re-hire me and Kat had left me. All the summer hiring had already been done, so I was out of luck.... even more so when Kat kicked me out and I moved back in with my mom in Oliver. I couldn't even go on EI, because the job I'd had before was under the table... between that and spending all my time in school before, I didn't have even remotely the amount of hours worked to get any handouts. This town is so backwater, there's next to nothing for employment.... especially not for somebody who is leaving town at the end of summer. Thank god for being able to live with my mom. Unfortunately, she's broke too... even though she's running a retail store here in town, she still barely makes enough to keep her head above the water. Having a grown man and his 2 year old son move into the house without being able to financially contribute didn't help.

If this money doesn't come in this month (it'll be in on the 20th if it comes) then I just don't know what's going to happen.

Everything in my life is hinging on cash at the moment. I'm borrowing $200 from Jackie's dad to pay for my admissions fee to get back into college. Even before that, I'm sitting around $500 in debt from borrowing money through the summer to help my mom out as much as I could. I'm so scared that it just isn't going to come. I've gotten so used to things going wrong for me in the last few months, that I can't excape this ominous feeling in my gut. Because of how long its taken me to get this admissions fee, my student loans probably won't be coming in right away... so that just makes this payout even more necissary. What happens if it doesn't come in, and I'm now expected to go to school? Without money to live, to pay rent, how am I going to survive in Kelowna? Am I going to be like Will Smith in 'Pursuit of Happyness', locking the door in a public bathroom so I can spend the night there with my son?

Shambhala was a beautifully wonderful point of light in the midst of months and months of torturous happenstance. It was a week ago, and it almost feels surreal to remember it... like it was so good that it can't possibly be real. Could the whole weekend have been a figment, a defense mechanism? If only it were so easy to ignore reality and be happy. Still, I'm glad I went. God knows what state I'd be in at this point if I didn't get that time to recharge and recouperate. I suppose it was the metaphorical eye of the storm... hopefully this storm is less circular and more oblong... I don't know if I can say pretty definitely that another 4 months of life's big black dick in my ass would put me in the hospital. So many people see me as the strongest person they know; Kat once told me that nothing would worry her more than seeing me give up hope. Those sentiments should be a testament to the trials that I've been put through.

Life has been this hard before, back in January... Kat and I were even more broke than my mom is now. There were days when we didn't eat because we wanted to save the food for my son and hers. She and I turned to dealing drugs while we were about to be evicted. Then I got that job carpet cleaning, and she got one as well... and things started to be better. Even when it was hard though, we still weathered it together... we were eachother's rock. Broke, starving, freezing cold because we couldn't afford to heat the house... we still had eachother. As hard as it was then, this lonliness is worse. Because I'm caught here, worrying and wondering when things will ever go my way. And there's nobody to hug me and kiss me and tell me that no matter what happens I'll always have them. Demiri looks at me like I'm his hero but I can't help but feel like I'm walking the knife's edge, just about to let him down.

Kat really can't be blamed for all the bad luck in my life. So much of this was just the perfect storm... all these circumstances playing out at just the right moments to generate just the right pressures in just the right areas to cause my entire life to collapse around me. But I do feel like she was the keystone... like if I still had her, if I still had somebody to turn to and count on, things wouldn't be nearly this bad. She feels guilty about what she's done to me, but I don't think she really appreciates the disparity between where I am and where I would be if she had just acted like a mature adult and a responsible partner.

All this started with a scooter. I genuinely don't think I'll ever have the balls to ride one again.

In a small-talk message about her camera that I borrowed for Shambhala, Kat apologized for everything that happened. She says that she still feels guilty about everything that happened, and "I hope you can trust one day, and come to realize that most people aren't as fucked up as me.".

I wish that it made a difference.

My cousin Dylan is down visiting with his girlfriend Chelsea. Its good to see them. Last time I saw him was last summer, when he was down and he met Chelsea (who was a friend of mine living in Penticton at the time)... when he left, she went with. I'm glad to see they're doing well. But so much has changed in my life since they've been here... its weird. They're staying at Kat's place while they're down, and even they say its strange because of how much has changed.

Hanging out with them, I'm forced to remember how really good things were back then. They were really amazing for such a long time... I remember partying with Dylan and Kat last year, having the time of my life. Last summer was easily the best summer I've ever lived through. It was so carefree, so perfect. Nothing like this summer at all, which is full of complications and betrayal and emotion.

I crashed at Kat's place with them last night. Kat wasn't there, she's out of town working until friday. I crashed on the couch. I didn't think it was going to be an issue being there. I felt like after Sham, I was cured of my ridiculous obsession with love. But I was wrong. Its easier than it ever has been... but being there was hard. It was the first time I've really been in that house for more than 5 minutes since I moved out. I've only been out for a month and a half, but already it feels so alien to me. It doesn't feel like my home... it even looks strange. Even though the furniture is in all the same places, there's something different about it. It feels empty. It doesn't feel welcoming... even without anybody there, it still somehow felt like the house knew I didn't belong there, and wanted me out.

I'm definitely healing. Shambhala helped so much. But things like this remind me that I'm not just wounded, I'm scarred. I don't think I'll ever look at a relationship the same way... or at least not for a long time. I feel bad because I know there's a very good chance that all the bullshit I've been pulled through will probably complicate the next relationship I have... I hope that I can really be ready for a relationship before I get involved with somebody. You never really know when you're ready though... you just try, and find out.

Oh my god.

Shambhala was everything I could have ever asked for and more. All the hype, all the buildup, it was all true. None of it was exaggerated. It was hands down the far and away best time of my life. Saturday night was like something out of a movie.

I can't even write at the moment. I'll come back later.

Dear lord, I'm already planning next years trip to Sham.

UPDATE

Ok, a few hours later and I'm ready to sit down and focus some energy on writing about the most flawless victory weekend I've ever had. I kid you not, everything went perfectly. Even when things happened that I was scared would totally kill my buzz for the whole event, it didn't mess things up! I was fucking untouchable! It was like life finally nodded its head and said "You know, I think Nick has had enough. Lets give him something nice."

Shambhala was my metaphorically rainbow. It was life's way of saying "Wow, I'm sorry that I fucked you so hard and rough and without warning or lubricant. Here's something cool. I promise not to do it again. For a while."

We arrived apparently at JUST the right time, because it was only a 3 hour wait to get into the event grounds. Three hours sounds like a long time... but people the day previous had stories of waiting upwards of 12 hours in line. So I count myself lucky. I think I only met 1 person who waited in line less time than I did. Rock on. Next, we lucked out and managed to find a spot at the BEST camping spot in the whole forest; right beside the river. Every morning I woke my raver ass up by diving straight into the Salmo river, which was frigid as an old nun, and it woke me up real good. On blistering hot days, a freezing cold river is EXACTLY where you want to be. Kat and Dave ended up camping right near us since we'd scored such a good spot... which pissed me off at first. I'd specifically told Kat that I wanted space from her and Dave, and she said that she agreed because she wanted her privacy. I guess that isn't as important when there's prime real estate on the line? It didn't really matter though... all the time away from her hit me like a bucket of river water when I hung out with her again. I'm seeing all these flaws, all these parts of her that I wonder how I ever put up with. Camping near her probably helped put the nails in the coffin for my heartache, as it were. Perfect timing, I must say.

First actual day (Friday) of Shambhala: cute girl flirts me up while she comes down to swim in the river. I work my magic (actually won't take too much credit for this, as she was mostly coming onto me) and I score some Shambhalove before I most of the stages even open. This wasn't such a big deal for the actual sex of it all, because it really wasn't all that great. But it just felt really goddamn good to have a girl find me attractive enough to actively pursue me. It reminded me that I am a good looking guy, I can still please women. I spend the rest of the day wandering around the event grounds, watching the opening badass of each stage, and just generally standing in awe of the scope of Shambhala.

Second day (Saturday): I spend the majority of the day socializing with random people. You can just walk up to a campsite, sit down in a chair, and strike up conversation. Nobody even thinks twice. Everybody is so welcoming and friendly, its like you're on a different planet. And generous. Holy jeeze. So much free drugs being offered to me. In the spirit of Shambhala, I went nuts and had a good time... I did nothing dangerous or addictive, but touched on a few things that I otherwise will never touch outside of Shambhala. Saturday day was spent with a very healthy buzz going on.

Saturday night was the real event. Around 3 or 4, I bumped into Matt. We ended up at The Village, which is the Dubstep stage (which pushes 100 000 watts of power through it speakers; Matt said its the most powerful stage in North America) and rocked out. Datsik was playing, who is a DJ from Kelowna, and he knocked me straight on my ass. I've never been so proud to be from the Okanagan... both the best DJs I saw at Shambhala (both on saturday night) were both from here at home. Dancing with Matt was intense... that dude is a fucking animal on the dancefloor. Just after Datsik's set started, clouds roll in and it pours rain... which just added to the atmosphere. Dubstep has a very dirty, industrial, almost post-apocalyptic feel to it... and here we are, with probably 300+ other people at this stage, in the pouring rain, just as the sun is coming up.... and the bass is strong enough to blow my mind. The only thing I can compare it to is the rave scene from the second Matrix movie. With all the lighting effects that the stage had, the rain looked like a ton of glitter in the air. Words can't even express how amazing it was. It felt like I was in a movie. It was completely surreal. Even more so since I was there with Matt. Jackie and him got to hang out plenty before Rustic, but Sham was definitely party time for him and I. I have some amazing shots from that night, can't wait to get them onto my computer.

Sunday was a blur, to be honest. I just relaxed all day, waiting for the night.... it was the last night of Shambhala, and some pretty big names were plaing in the Village (like Bassnectar, who Kat fucking loves) and Matt and I got there early to secure a good spot to party at... we ended up getting a beautiful place on the balcony that had a clear view of the DJ booth. We danced straight until 3am. I was so sore by the end of it. I'm not sure which DJ it was that tossed it on, but they played a dubstep remix of the Cranberries song "Zombie" which just exploded my whole world. Its an amazing song by an amazing band, and the DJ blew it to a whole new level. Me and Matt went fucking wild when it came on. It was probably the greatest track I heard over the whole time I was there.

Monday was spent all packing and saying goodbye. I probably won't see Matt for a long time, probably not until next summer (if he even makes it to Sham next year) so we spent a bit more time hanging out before we got going.

As a side thing, I'm feeling guilty for taking some enjoyment out of the fact that Kat ruined a large part of Shambhala for herself. She left penticton too late and missed one night, had a terrible trip on mushrooms saturday night and spent the whole night crying and having a nervous breakdown in her tent, and got uncomfortably high on MDMA on sunday night and ended up getting sick and leaving Bassnectar after 20 minutes. It seems that without me there to keep a leash on her and remind her what is and isn't a good idea, remind her that binging has consequences and that more is usually not the best idea... she goes overboard. And you know, she deserves it. I've spent months in pain thanks to this girl. She abandoned me at my time of greatest need, stabbed me right through my back and into my heart when I was already weak and on my knees. She thought only of herself, and set my life into a chain of events that continued to keep me wrapped in depression until very very recently. I do not exaggerate when I say that Shambhala is the first thing in 5 months to have happened to me that didn't have something shitty attached to it. It was the breaking point of my bad luck, and apparently my karmatic scales are balanced with me on one side and her on the other... she's had a great time reaping the benefits of her timely ejection of me from her life. And now, her own flaws ruined something she's been looking forward to for longer than I've even known her.

I'm ready to get back out into the world. I'm ready to go back to school in the fall, throw myself back into life, and enjoy it. Depression is gone. Success and victory are just over the horizon.

I can't wait to go back next year. It was fucking amazing with the friends that I brought, especially Josh. But I want to bring more next year. So many friends were in my thoughts while I was there, and I'm so excited to show this to people who will love it as much as I will. Jackie and Ashley especially.

In signing off, I'll drop off a youtube link to a similar remix of the Zombie song I mentioned. Its not the one I heard, but its close enough to satisfy me for the time being while I search for the real deal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDyxSu2Yv7A

ANOTHER UPDATE:

Haven't found a recorded version of the Zombie mix that Subvert played, but I found a YouTube video of the actual event while I was there! This is the exact mix I was raving about!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lTA45-hNP6I&feature=autofb