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MCF In His Truest Form |
March 9th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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i feel tha reason 4 me writing anotha one of these is cuz this time around i want ppl 2 read EXACTLY who i am. i want ppl to see me for me i want ppl 2 b able 2 visualize me as i do..
i remember my parents used 2 call me tha miracle child...i neva kne y til i asked them its cuz i almost died wen i was born and cuz of my eyes kinda sad but it makes me think i was always a fighter never willing 2 gracefully bow out and its kinda ironic that i almost died wut if i did tha kid ur bout 2 read bout wudda neva existed...and my eyes two different colors to sum its nuthin new but to me it seperates me from evryone makes me unique but theres alot more that makes me stand out....
im gonna start from tha beginning..wen i was little i was such a rebel didnt quite follow tha rules. always felt that rules were made 2 b broken at least tha one i disagreed wif.. wen i was little i was a fighter neva backed down neva kept my mouf shut never believed in holdin back so i wuddnt hurt sum1 feelings i sed wut i felt and to be honest i fuckin loved it..loved tha fact that there were no hidden secrets i told ppl wut was happenin i sed everythang that was on my mind..wen i was little my knuckles used 2 bleed from tha blows i threw if i didnt like u i made sure that u kne i made sure that it was settle in physical way. i had so many fights wen i was growin up sum soo crazy its unreel how sum1 soo small cud bring such a bang i still got scars from them fights and those same scars remind that i shud neva hav 2 stop bein a fighter and i still am juss not so much ina physical way i use my head now to fight but before i used 2 get jumped and still win tha fight i used 2 take on niggas twice my size 5 yrs older that me all that i used 2 b soo idk full of rage such a rage that was cast upon ppl who got in my way...but as bad as that sounds i sumtimes wish i still were tha same lil kid who used 2 stand up 4 ppl against anyone i still wish i was tha lil boy who stood wif my hands drippin blood bein snatched off sum1 from beatin their ass...i felt as if i were a protector i was soo at peace wif myself evn tho i was always fightin
then came my early teens n cuple yrs before them..where i started 2 become like a ladies man lol i was soo caught up chasin gurls tryin 2 hav sex tryin 2 b all this bullshit sum1 who i wasnt...these years were prolly tha most stupid most depressing..but again i loved it all i cant deny tha thangs i did tha lies i told 2 go n do stuff i wasnt supposed 2 tha sneakin out tha so called heart breaks all that shit was fun i cant say i didnt like doin it but sumtimes i wish i cud change one thang i wish i cud change tha fact that i lied 2 my mom soo much i almost lost her faith in me i almost lost it all...tha threats of bein kiked out my house tha threats of bein placed ina foster home those moments of losin my voice from yellin back those days of juss bein nowhere near myself i wish i cud change them...then theres tha days i wish i cud go bac and do sum of tha thangs i did and sumtimes theres tha days where i wanna go bac n relive a day n change things i juss cant help but wonder sumtimes wut life wud b like if i were still wif trisha idk but then i look at tha present and take a deep breathe n inhale tha greatness ive done tha turn around i performed turned from like rockbottom to 4.0's u kno it feels great to kno that i am capable of comin out of nowhere and turn around from fallin off to goin beyond wut i expected and wut evryone expected..ppl had so much doubt in me evn my friends and family and idc wut they say i kno they did and wen ppl hav doubts in me it pisses me off makes me wanna not juss acheive wut they say i cant but go beyond that n more make them second guess my capablilities..
and now onto tha guy u look upon now..who exactly is he today...to be honest i dont think i kno..i think its like a combination of things...i hav tha rebelness from wen i was little i hav tha fighter in me and also i hav tha ladies man mentality a bit and also i think tha guy who ive grown 2 now i think im idk wuts tha word but i think i kinda want challenges 2 b thrown my way i want ppl 2 not believe in me juss so i can sho them that on the outside i may come off ass a positive person i may come as all these things sum1 who seems not 2 b a threat but i want ppl to see that wen pushed i can juss lose it but control myself i can snap in such a way that im goin off but not evn raisin my voice i can b snappin n talk in tha same tone as if i were calm but that doesnt mean that i cant unleash a side of me i hate its juss i choose to hide it cuz i juss hate to waste energy on yellin wen i can get tha same point across i can make ppl feel tha same way as if i were juss tellin u how i feel..and now tha guy ive become i think that wen ppl r in my way i dont immediately plowin thru them i juss jump over em i reely dont hav time 4 ppl who wanna try 2 bring me down cuz u kno wut aint gonna happen i told u i was a fighter im not easliy silenced im not easliy stopped i refused 2..also i feel that drama wise i stay away from it i avoid it side step it...im focused on my life my family friends girlfriend i dont hav time 4 bullshit..
now that ive basically sed who i am i wanna start namin off shit thas on my mind
1st i guess ill start wif tha bad..
Andrea-do i hate u? how do i answer this? it wud b kinda correct 2 say it depends on my mood cuz like if i feelin pissed imma b like yea i cant stand her but if im juss calm ill prolly b like naw i think shes lost i juss think she is juss confused and that 4 me 2 get over this its gonna take time n 4 her 2 realize sum shit but yea lemme juss say all those entries ive rote bout snappin on u am i srry naw i dont think i am i think i am mad not at u but myself cuz idk y i let sumthin like that juss make me soo upset im bigger then that now that i look at it i cudda juss shrugged that shit off but sum days i juss feel like goin 2 ur house n juss let it all out n wut i mean bout it all out is i think that 4 sum reason ur decisions built up such a rage within me that i juss wanna let it all on u make u feel 4 a split second of how it feels 2 carry this but then again i dont reely wanna do that..y? not worth it..juss aint worth gettin soo upset workin up a sweat 4 sumthin that ill get nuthin out of..but dont let those negative feelings overshadow tha fact tha once i cudda sed that u were one of tha greatest ppl in my life and that i had such a bond wif u and tha once u hadda special place in my life and mayb u still and all those years u were rite there wif me bein tha best friend u cud b i thank ya u that u were once such a special person 2 me but mayb one day down tha road we can get past this and hav thangs go bac 2 tha way they were
kara-ur prolly one of tha best if the the best friend i hav..we known eachother 4 like our entire life and tha whole 12 yrs ive known u i can only say that u hav made evrday soo much more better and evrtime i was fallin off and fuckin up u were always there always there 2 b a friend always there 2 talk to and listen and juss do all these great thangs i juss wish that i cud live long enuff 2 thank u as much i want to i juss wish that there were enuff words i kne to express tha amount of love i hav 4 ya thanx again
elijah-where do i begin? u hav also ben there since k4 wen nap time was tha shit wen house was tha game to place wen tag was played on recess and tha fence was gool u hav ben there since elementary where kids got tha chiken pox and missed like a week of skoo where u glued sentence strips and and were graded 1,2,or 3 uve ben there 4 tha coatroom days u juss always ben there and i gotta say thanks and u mite think that ive helped u alot but u juss bein there all these years is enuff 4 me 2 say elijah i love u and thanks
jessie-man idk if ive eva told u but u were and hav ben tha biggest influence ever tha way uve turned out i juss hope i can b in my own way like u u were alwys there 2 stop me n say mario wtf u better then that uve always ben there 2 sho me tha rite way to guide me thru tha darkness ben there 2 make me stronger smarter uve juss ben like another brother and ur prolly tha funniest person i kno and u always had my stomach hurtn but at tha same time u cud b serious wen u wanted 2 be and in my own way ive kinda grown up and tried 2 fill ya shoes but yea thanx 4 evrythang
my bros-u guys can b soo annoyin and make me soo fuckin mad at times but where wud i b wifout u idk u guys hav always ben there 2 say hey shut tha fuck up wen i started 2 fly off tha hook u guys hav ben there 2 throw punches and stand wif me no matta wut thanx
mom-i cud sit here and rite for days i cud rite for days bout evry single time evry single moment uve encouraged me stood up 4 me cheered 4 me told me i cud do it pushed me sed i cud do better wen i fucked up u neva gave up hope and u punished me wen needed but still let me drift out on my own and trip n fall and wen id come bac cryin ud c thas wutcha get n bandage me up soo can i sit here and say how much i love u? naw i dont think its possible 2 put together in words juss feelings how much i care bout u and evry single moment of evry day i thank god i gotta mom like u
trisha-evn tho it hurts 2 talk bout it i will..we were soo close almost inseperable and evry moment together was juss great and now that i look bac bout wen u left but i dont cry bout it i juss remember its better 2 hav ben wif u then not at all and i member sayin id neva move on but i cant promise that 2 u and i kno u understand it still kinda hurts but mayb one day ull b in my life again but til then i wish u tha best and thanx 4 tha memories
carolyn-ok i kno how u dont like gushy stuff but i juss had 2 put cha in here cuz i feel evn tho u havnt ben in my life 4 long tha impact uve had has ben soo great that i had 2 put u in this part...evryday that passes i realize that ur greater then tha last and evryday tha amount of feelings i hav 4 u increases and i juss hope that we last a long time cuz i reely dont wanna imagine a time wifout u now ur juss that awesome..and i kno ive told u this b4 but now that im wif u i feel like im myself like all those years b4 i wasnt totally mario and now i feel like i am i can b i can say i can do wuteva i want n u dont think im different then b4 n thas great and evn tho its kinda hard 4 me 2 hav 2 wait 4 certain thangs cuz im used 2 them goin a different way but i wuddnt hav it any other way id rather wait 4 u and b with u then not bein wif u...uve made tha lass 7 months of my life soo much better then i cud imagine thanx babe
to evry1 else-i may hav not put ur own individual one but that doesnt mean u hav ben a huge part in my life to those not name juss cuz ur not name doesnt mean that u less important in any way soo to evry1 thas hadda positive influence in my life thanx a bunch
now after readin all that u may hav a total different outlook at me but wut can i say thas a side of me that ive kinda hidden from ppl til now i guess id rather hav ppl kno me 4 bein funny and a good listener and class clown and shit then anythang and i am that person i juss can also b soo deep i can b such a sweethart i guess i guess i hav a gushy side to me but that doesnt make me weaker in tha least bit if not it makes me stronger sooo while writin this i hav ben debatin whether i shud make this entry private or not and at 1st i was gonna but wut purpose wud it serve 4 it 2 b private...it wuddnt do anythang if tha only person who cud reed this is me i already now who i am i want evry else 2 see me 4 me i want ppl 2 finally get 2 kno tha reel Mario Christopher Flores.... |
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Tha Best |
January 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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ok i juss posted a entry like 2 minutes ago and im ALREADY bac lol i juss here 2 say sumthin else...
a cuple days ago while in tha car wif my bro we were talkin and idk how it came up but he started talkin bout ex gfs n shit and he sed its like wen u kno ur wif tha rite gurl all tha other gurls start 2 flash b4 u like how ppl say my life flashed b4 myself as their about 2 die n shit its kinda like that he sed like that how can sumthin so simple as a person hav so big of an effect on ur life and how can it mean so much then it was quiet and he sed but u kno wut i dont giv a fuck idc if there isnt a reason is to y sum1 can make u feel juss soo undescribeable..and as i think bout those words i cuddnt agree more because ive found myself thinkin bout times wen i used 2 b wif all these gurls and how nun of them actually made me scared at tha fact that im so happy nun of them actually ment this much b4 like there isa case where one of em is undoubtabley like special but evn her i think i can honestly say has neva reely made me stop and think like damn evry1 else was justa joke...like all tha rong gurls flash b4 u and no matter how much they might hav made u mad or wuteva ur happy that u were wif them because without bein wif them u wudda neva realized how great ur current one is wifout tha past u wudda neva known that she is juss undoubtablely tha best uve ben with and u kno ur wif tha best wen juss about anythang can remind u of them and u kno ur wif tha best wen ur so used 2 thing being a certain way that u dont care wen they're different...i juss this shes tha shit and no1 can convince me otherwise... |
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Is He Back? |
January 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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damn i havent ben on here or left anything ina mega grip...and as i look at other ppls diaries i c sum ppl hav left sum stuff and others havent...THEN, then i look at mine lol and as a smile is formed on my face i read on and on..y a smile? i think its hilarious how out of tha blue sumthin so dramatic cud happen, sumthin so huge cud happen example a friendship ending sum may think that it isnt reely a big deal i dont either now that i stop and look at my diary...but is it a diary or is it juss entry after entry of me juss lashing out at ppl and one perticular person idk u b tha judge but my diary makes me smile because it shows that god damn am i caring..its like wen ur kno ur funny and its dope 2 kno u can make ppl laff but wen u can kno that ur a caring person thas fuckin awesome and i say im caring because look how much i flipped out cuz sum person kinda hurt me..now lets stop and go over wut i juss sed "kinda hurt me". wtf do i ever mean? yea i admit it tha fact that i lost a friend and a good one does kinda make me upset but was she all that good of a friend 2 start trippin over ina way yes but more then anything else tha WHOLE situation juss makes me smile. kno y? hav u eva realized wen ppl do stupid things u laff at it or wen uve done stupid things u laff at it well i juss find tha fact that she has a life without me fuckin hilarious and idk mayb its cuz im mario i tend 2 think that i can truely change sum1's life like my friends n close ppl hav strait up told me that they were glad 2 b my friend now sum1 break sum shit down 4 me..hav we become SOO wrapped up it "love" and findin tha "one" n yada yada yada that we begin 2 forget that tha ONES who care most and tha ONES who r there 2 catch u wen u fall r not worth leaving cuz of a guy/girl or wuteva...and as i read a perticular diary it only dates back so far but wut i reely wanna kno is wud she hav done tha same if i neva went out wif her huh..and ALSO i wanna kno wut kinda entries were left wen i was in tha picture i juss wanna kno and then as i catch my self wonderin bout bullshit i keep reading and tha person i once cared 4 soo much doesnt evn begin 2 hav a place in my life anymore and its sad 2 kno that as i look at it now but am i sad...no ITS sad tha fact that sum1 cuz juss b soo smart but soo stupid at tha same time is juss beyond me soo evryone mite read this entry and say I He Back?? is he bac 2 juss go off and off on ppl...tha answer is no im not here 2 say shit ive already sed im here 2 say fuck you. how does that taste?
-MCF |
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Damn She's Tha Shit |
December 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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ok this weekend that juss passed was off da chain for multiply reasons. first cuz i went 2 kara's party. that was omg da shit we played sharaids (prolly spelled that rong) block tag, footbal, sum wak ass game they made up i didnt win lol but yea it was evn more off da chain cuz i spent tha night. plenty ppl were thurr kara's fam steve, dana, me, kara's sisters bfs and sum of kara and danas frends and best of all batgurl aka caro it was too good 2 c her i juss havent realized how much i missed her until that day it was crazy..but yea i guess ill talk bout that..cuz like b4 kara's shindig me and caro haddnt seen eachother ina mega grip and idk thangs were goin soo not how i think we wanted em, but after that party i think that things r gonna take a take a turn for tha good i mite hav sed thangs were gettin borin but i think i thought that cuz i haddnt seen her in tha longest but after seein her talkin 2 her and evrythang it juss made me realize how much i care 4 her how much she actually means 2 me and how much i wanna b wif her, i juss cant wait to c her again im gonna try 2 make as much time 4 her as i possibly can cuz like after seein her tha otha day i kno that i wanna keep it goin i wanna stay wif her i wanna b her hoe and evrythang else..i think i kno now wut ppl were talkin bout wen they said that i needed 2 gurl like her cuz wen i was wif her i juss felt soo idk undescribable notta care in da world she had all my attention i now kno y sum1 can say that shes tha shit cuz she simply is and mayb its kinda scary 2 kno that shes mine i havent ben wif sum1 who was juss tha shit in like 4ever and u kno wut its fuckin great but yea i think im done wit this one its good 2 leave a regular entry again one where i can juss say shit thas good g2g ranger out. |
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Trapped Within Ur Own Ignorance |
November 23rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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im sittin hurr at home while evry1 is at skoo or work or wuteva and its juss a great time 2 think and also a great time 2 try 2 figure out wut most ppl r smokin now a days...and as tha title reads..'Trapped Within Ur Own Ignorance' i think that basically sums up wut ppl hav become now a days those few words can sum up the personality and actions of ppl now and mayb i was part of that group once but i dont think that description applies 2 me 4 one reason and one reason only ive grown tha fuck up..yea sure sum of u ppl may hav matured since elementary but thas not wut i mean i fuckin mean u still aint grown up yet..u still aint faced tha facts that ur decisions arent as easily dismissed ur actions arent juss looked at as an act 2 get attention ur actions ur words ur body signals tha way u say things tha way u dont say things evry single bit of it is looked at ina different way and idk if its u dont c that or u dont wanna c it but in my own opinion ppl ive grown up with ppl ive recently met ppl who juss bullshit and say they kno me all of u with tha exception of a few will prolly neva eva achieve shit and wut i mean by that is u will not b able 2 see ppls third dimension ur a flat character u are incapable of figurin out that ppl come and go but friends, friends r tha ppl who hav a special ablility 2 stick wif u 4 tha rest of ur life and im not talkin bout ppl u juss met this year or ppl uve known for 5yrs im talkin bout ppl who hav seen u missin ur front teef ppl who hav seen ur grow up from sayin ugh gurls hav coodies 2 chasin gurls evrywhere u go..friend is sorta like tha word love tha shit is tossed around 2 make ppl believe sumthin thas not evn there a mirage so 2 speak and wen i hav 2 force myself 2 watch ppl who i consider 2 b friends not juss aquantances juss decide im not gonna b in tha picture anymore idk if that pisses me off mayb it does but wut it does most is make me realize how i still dont reely kno how 2 judge character mayb its tha times..now a days ppl r soo wrapped up in their own self that they forget bout how their actions affect others they forget that lookin out 4 ur self all tha time will eventually leave u wif exactly who u care 4 most ur own damn self and idk after readin this over it seems i keep goin bac 2 an old issue it seems like no matter how hard or how much i say im done wif it a new day a new feelin gets 2 me and makes 2 write and mayb im continuing 2 write until this person starts actually readin it word 4 word cuz from wut i c this person is readin evry otha word forgettin 2 take tha time 2 read it all but then again mayb this person doesnt wanna read it all mayb they're so trapped within their own ignorance that they think its best 2 juss lemme deal wif all tha emotion so they can not feel guilty bout tha situation mayb this person is readin evrythin i write word 4 word but believes that its best 4 thangs 2 stay wut they r rite now...idk i dont read fuckin minds and since this person doesnt reely hav tha sack 2 come 2 me and tell me exactly word 4 word, thought 4 thought wtf actually happened and y its happening but by now after seein all that ive wrote all tha time ive thought and all tha emotion ive express i think i may b thru...thru wif it all...thru wif tryin 2 get my points across...thru wif havin 2 c wether ppl actually understand or arent juss tryin hard nuff 2 dig deeper but now i think im done ive basically stated wut i needed 2 state and sed evrything but if tha time evr shall arise where i need 2 step bac in best believe im makin a comeback like jordan and im gonna come in and shut tha whole shit down.
-Mario Christopher Flores |
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Take A Glance In Da Mirror |
November 21st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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i kno wut most ppl r thinkin...damn where has dis nigga ben at? where has he ben at wif his so called deep shit?...where he at wif his so called 'true' entries?....where he ben at 2 fill us in on how we aint ready 4 him?....and there is one answer 2 all those questions...i took i guess sum time off 2 collect my thoughts i took sum time 2 think of wut exactly ive ben sayin, wut ive ben doin and think of where im at in life..is it where i wanna b? am i far behind where i shud b? idk but this brings me 2 anotha point in my 3rd block english class we've had sum deep descussions about choices, how guys choices affect them and how gurl choices r based on different thangs then guys shit like that and a concept that keeps bein brought up is basicalled fuck yesturday worry bout 2morro soo wut im sayin is tha past is tha past and make tha rite decisions 2day so 2morro isnt bad..but how do u kno if ur decision is a bad one wen ur so caught up in da moment that evrythang seems so rite and evrythang seems 2 b goin tha rite way and u think ur doin tha rite thang but in reality u cud b doin sumthin soooo horrible sooo hurtful and u dont evn kno it..and as i glance at my past i see times where ive ben blinded by sumthin soo stupid sumthin sooo not worth tha risks but i took them anyways and i wasnt stupid but wen it comes 2 think thru shit i was as dumb as it gets i never thought bout consquences it was all bout tha moment and mayb it was fun but did i get out of it? sum ppl may say nuthin...sum ppl may say u got an understandin of how 2 not repeat ur mistakes, but i like 2 think i got sumthin better...maturity..my past and not juss 8th grade in particular but my early teen years and shit i those years were soo hard and soo full of emotion that ive learn not 2 get attached 2 sumthin so quickly ive learned that tha shortest route isnt always tha best one, ive learned tha shortcuts and livin in tha moment isnt all its perserved as ppl think well my life is sooo fucked up blah blah blah but its sooo fucked up cuz ur not takin tha time 2 realize that its fucked up cuz u believe it is..evry day is anotha day 2 turn it around and its neva 2 late and ppl may say y am i sayin that this cuz i MCF am a victim of his own self..wut i mean is at tha time i was makin such bad decisions i blamed other ppl for my mistakes i wanted 2 believe that i wasnt doin anythang rong it was always sum1 else fault but now i kno that no1 made me make those choices sure mayb peer pressure was involved but I KNO im stronger then peer pressure...peer pressure is an exucse u believe so that u dont hav 2 live wif tha fact that YOU fucked up...so ppl hav ben hittin me up wif alotta questions...y am i tha way i am? who or wut made me start bein so deep? y do i think ppl aint ready 2 veiew me entirely? but i think its time 4 me 2 ask tha questions..y r u ppl so blinded by tha word 'love'? y is it that gurls mainly start 2 melt cuz a guy says hes in love wif them? and y does it seem that evry1, mainly my peers r in love or heartbroken or lost or wuteva cuz ofa guy? y do gurls get soo attached 2 a guy that wen things turn sour they write shit in their profiles like im attached 2 misery or wuteva? and finally y do ppl say that they hav ben hurt sooo badly or they soooo in love wif ppl that they change thier whole lifestyle their whole personality cuz of sum wak ass shit? can any1 answer that shit? and after ponderiin bout it 4 a bit me personaly think that tha answer lies in low self esteem..gurls think juss cuz one guy dumped em or theyve had sum bad relationship probs that thangs r sooo fucked up..that kinda shit pisses me off.. cuz ur only 15, 16 or 17 years old u aint evn got ur feet wet yet..you hav soo much more 2 experience u aint evn scratched tha surface of life..and wut makes me different? nuthin ive not ben hurt sooo much that ive given up on life not 2 say that i havent ben hurt b4 and i have mayb 2 tha point where bein hurt or tha feel of pain isnt sumthin i feel anymore i see evry time ur soo called hurt as a lesson a time where u can learn from it so that it doesnt happen again...so if u fall once pick ur ass up and tha next time u slip u shud b able 2 realize it and catch urself in time....now 2 tha point of ppl bein in love..im not sayin it cant happen but cmon on now u mean 2 tell me that evry single one of u were or are in love...LMFAO i laff at that shit i laff partially cuz u ppl havent yet realized that u aint matured yet and mayb ive always matured faster then most in my own special way..i tend 2 see thangs in like a 4th person view--i guess thas how it can b described--but wut i wanna kno is wut makes sum1 soo great that u believe ur in love? wut exactly do u feel that makes u in love? howdo kno its love? y isnt that u juss like this person alot or thurrs juss a high attraction? i reel want sum1 2 gimme a reel fuckin answer on dat shit-- holla @ me if u got sum kinda answer...ok nuff wif day..i think at this age i font reely kno wut i want as far as a gf goes i hav a genereal outline but 2 say this is wut i exactly want i dont think that wud b accurate cuz ill prolly neva make up my mind cuz thurr r soo many thangs that appeal 2 me ina gurl..a quote on quote freak, a smart gurl, a closet freak, a head turner(fine ass gurl),gurl who'll b honest wif her emotions, a gurl who isnt a wee bit afraid 2 tell me sumthin serious, a gurl whos funny, a gurl who can b both serious and funny, idk i like all dat shit and mayb i make my mind up 2 quickly on wut i wan but wen i start 2 go witta gurl it neva fails that wen im taken gurls come outta nowhere and start 2 b on my nuts, mayb its tha fact that they want sumthin they cant hav, but wen that kinda shit happens idk i start 2 second guess shit like damn this otha gurl is willing 2 gimme shit my gurl doesnt hav shit like dat and mayb i juss need 2 b kept interested ina relationship, mayb wen thangs start 2 get old or borin or wuteva mayb i start 2 lose interest and start "wantin" 2 go elsewhere, where thangs arent predictable or where things interest me and i say "wantin" cuz i kno ill stick witta gurl if im interested like "wantin" means that i only wanna leave cuz thangs r gettin boring and if thangs were 2 pick up ik i wuddnt look at tha possibilities of anotha person but idk mayb its juss meaningless fantasies idk
soo i guess im finished wif this one but i juss wanna leave ppl wif sumthin...its neva 2 late 2 wake da fuck up...
-MCF |
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U Think Ur Ready? Pt. V |
November 9th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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now goin in2 tha fifth part of this so called saga ive started ive realized tha "U Think Ur Ready?" thoughts and words juss aint sayin that u aint ready u red wut ive wrote and u aint ready 2 experience who i truly this whole saga is juss me findin my own way 2 sit down and write how i feel bout ppl in general and mayb ive gone in2 sum specifics these entries hav kinda veered off tha whole topic of u aint ready 2 read my private entries and 2 sum extent that holds true ppl still aint ready im my eyes ppl havent shown me that they r able 2 understand me and i say this cuz ppl havent taken me serious idk if they think im playin sum big practical joke idk if they juss aint payin me any attention idk i cant read ppls minds but tha one mind i can read is my own and u kno wut only if my mind cud become a place where ppl cud actually walk thru and see wuts brewin in there only if ppl cud open their eyes wide enuff 2 c tha big picture im writin these deep entries sayin these things not 4 my health well mayb i am cuz i cant b holdin in shit 4eva but tha main reason y me tryin 2 expose myself 2 ppl is i feel that my whole life ive live a duble life so 2 speak ive put on this costume 4 ppl so i wuddnt hav 2 show them tha rugged and painful truth..and soo far til kinda recently (mayb a cuple months ago) its ben under control 2 tha best i can do evry now and then ive let sum seep out but now i feel that i cannot hold it in anymore i cannot and will not anymore but it pisses me off 2 kno that ppl r soo 2 dimensional that 4 me 2 show them a third one it wud juss drop their jaws and hav em diggin in their scalp tryin 2 comprehend wut ive done and sum ppl say im over exaggerating and say juss tell us wtf ur actually hidin and if it were that easy if i cud juss come out and say wtf is goin on in this head and mayb im thickheaded idk mayb im stubborn idk but one i do kno is these thoughts these experiences i hav r definetly not easy 2 say they r definetly not easy 2 understand evn 4 me i sumtimes find myself second guessin myself i find myself askin myself wtf am i actually talkin bout i find myself askin myself tha 5 w's and how..who wut wen where why and how and 2 b honest i never hav a answer 2 all of em i rarely hav answer 4 juss one and fo ppl 2 say juss say wuts on my mind and get it ova wif...i juss smile and sit back and smile cuz ik its harder then that tha answers r more complex then that and i also smile cuz i kno that person will prolly b tha 1st person 2 say huh? and mayb one day ill juss say fuck it and spill da beans...mayb one day
and as 4 tha times ive gone in2 specifics bout ppl tha times where it seemed like i was snappin...
lemme ask u ppl sumthin shud i die done wif dat shit? huh shud i put dat shit on da low low huh? shud i juss stop it immediately huh? shiiiiiiiiiit who sed id giv a fuck wut u think huh? and ik tha one person whod actually ask me those questions is tha same person who i directed shit at and mayb ive ben harsh mayb ive ben a lil rude but do i hav 2 remind u and evry1 else y those thoughts were kick started huh? i think not but wut i think i shud do is dedicate tha rest of this entry 2 u i think i shud let it b known that tha rest of this entry is dedicated 2 sum1 who's ina way convinced me that i shud dispise her so tha rest of this entry is 4 ya and im doin this cuz i think ya need it mayb it wud open urs eyes juss enuff 4 u 2 c da light so 2 speak juss enuff fo u 2 wake up and smell tha coffee im tryin 2 hav u wake up wif foldgers in ur cup and mayb its a sign that i still care evn after all ive sed so let from this point to tha end of this entry b 2 u my friend
-MCF |
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U Think Ur Ready? Pt. IV |
November 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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tha saga continues.....
my nig steve has inpired me to write...not only does he write sum of tha most influential shit ive eva red but that shit that he writes gives me juss enuff spark 2 start fires in my mind not evn smokey cud prevent his shit is soo far beyond wut most ppl think, u mutha fuckas aint evn confused wen u read it ur soo lost ur harder 2 find then waldo and carmen san diego combined...
he stated in his latest entry 'the illest thoughts ever Pt. 3' that:
"to myself... i am a cloaked assassin... hiding behind a mask with a smiling face... "
i feel tha same way..im wearin a mask but i dont wanna b an assassin i wanna think of myself as a voice fo those ppl who aint able 2 speak i wanna think of myself as a symbol a symbol 4 all those ppl who r forced 2 stand up wen they kno they cant balance for all those ppl who cant create words bout wut they hav 2 experience i wanna b for seen as a that guy who evry thinks hes unstoppable cant b penetrated a mutha fuckin god so 2 speak...i was aways a fan of tha guy who protected ppl destroyed tha opponents wif such flawlessness ppl thought of him as 'otherworldly' but in reality he was justa man, and tha only way this man can protect tha ones he loves and cares 4 is 2 wear a mask a mask that wen seen it casts fear upon ppl but at tha same time casts relief...and if i hav 2 hide my true self in da shadows so ppl dont get hurt then so b it...ill return 2 tha light wen ppl r able 2 withstand my sheer brightness ill stop lurkin in da night wen ppl r able 2 fully realize that evn tho i may seem like a impervious god i am still justa man i feel pain i hav tha same human features as evry1 else tha only thing ive ben blessed wif is tha mind capacity 2 and strength 2 withstand my own damn self and thas all i ask of ppl is 2 built up tha strength so they can withstand me now that may come off as bein cocky 2 sum but lemme say tha same ppl who think thas cocky r tha same ppl who r scratchin their heads and breakin out da theasarus and askin jeeves, googlin it up tryin 2 understand wtf im actually sayin in this entry and to those ppl go ahead i encourage u 2 put forth so much thought towards sumthin that ull neva understand that shit giv me a hint of gratification, givs me thought that mayb i am truly uncapable of bein stopped....holla at me
-MCF |
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U Think Ur Ready? Pt. III |
November 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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ighty before i get in2 tha third part of my U Think Ur Ready saga i wanna say that sum ppl ik juss piss me off it pisses me off cuz ik tha person who these entries r mainly directed 2 reads this shit but they still aint made tha effort 2 change thangs im not sayin that it wud matter cuz im not gonna wanna hear it but mayb my anger is cloudin my judgement idk but i juss wanna kno y tha fuck wud she juss decide that id b 'ok' wif this shit but u kno im thru wif sweatin dis shit i shuddnt b thinkin bout y shes thrown away our friendship y shud i b thinkin bout her wen she prolly isnt givin a fuck bout me shes 2 fuckin blinded by her own damn bullshit shit she thinks is perfect ahh fuck dat shit im done wif her ass
now 2 address y ppl still and prolly 4eva will not b ready 2 experience how i truly am u aint gonna b ready cuz ppl still aint on my level of i guess it cud b called 'maturity' and i kno wutcha thinkin u think that i am prolly one of tha least mature ppl alive u think that theres no possible way that i cud b wut im claimin i am but maturity 2 me isnt bout bein old nuff 2 realize sum1 sayin penis isnt funny maturity 2 me is bein bold nuff 2 stand up wen u kno tha odds r against u maturity is bein able 2 become older then u reely maturity is wen ur still learnin ur fuckin times tables and ur standin up 2 ur dad tellin him that ull neva b afriad 2 stand against his will ull neva hesitate to fight him 4 ur mom thas fuckin maturity and to me u gotta posse that kind shit 2 get 2 understand me
and u also gotta understand my outlook on wut exactly life is..life to me isa book thas constantly bein filled wit chapters, filled wif ur accomplishments, ur victories ur defeats..and if ppl red tha book thas bein written bout me they prolly wud hav a totally different look upon me because they prolly cud grasp an idea of wut ive ben put thru wut i struggled against wut ive done 2 overcome and come out victorious and tha book thas bein written bout me deserves a fuckin award a best seller i say this cuz from tha very first page september 10th 1989 til present it has ben filled, stuffed to da brim wif my tears my blood my rage my pain my sweat my determination and mayb one day sum1 will actually take tha time 2 actually read it page for page instead of scimmin thru skippin chapters and mayb they can put in words wut it was like 2 experience wut i hav cuz idk if any1 knows how hard it is 2 evn formulate words let alone sentences bout wut ive seen wut ive thought of and wut ive felt.... |
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U Think Ur Ready? Pt. II |
November 2nd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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this is tha continuation of wut imma call tha muthafuckin truf..tha beginnin ofa legacy of which i speak nuthin but wut i feel no matta wut ppl may think of say so u still think ur ready huh? u think u cud handle tha fire thas in me. sum ppl juss will neva learn will they sum ppl will neva come 2 a realization that they r nowhere near my level wen comparing my mind 2 others..but b4 i get in2 wut i gotta say imma hav 2 sho sum love 2 my nigga, fellow uc, and my son steve...prolly tha only known force who can wif stand tha pain tha only known person who can truly say i kno wutcha mean...mad respect 4 ya.
ight...eva since i started puttin these entries on hurr, puttin shit on private ppl hav asked me wuts tha dilly-o wtf is up wif me y am i talkin like this and sum ppl hav tha nerve 2 say wut ive sed wut ive thought was kinda bogus...all i gotta say is man fuck that shit..thas wut im talkin bout ppl juss aint ready 4 dis shit ppl rite away act so ignorant wen i start 2 come out my shell they act like im sum kinda alien or sum shit but in reality u fuckers juss aint capable of understandin me..ppl r soo used 2 me bein tha funny guy tha guy who stands thurr seemingly not bein phased but shit and yea i like 2 think im that person i like 2 think that i can withstand shit but it juss dont work like that idk y its so hard 2 comprehend that MCF feels pain mayb harder then most but mayb its a shock 2 ppl cuz i hide it so well i keep my pain, feelings and thoughts so well hidden, i put a lid on all that shit a lid thas pickle jar tight and will only open wen EYE want it 2 and wen i start twistin tha cover open exposing who i am slightly muthafukers get all wide eyed and shocked "ooh no this cant b, not mario" fuck dat its who i am and all those ppl who hav sed they liked who i am i bet cha any amount of money if they reely kne me more then 50% of them wudnt feel da same way mayb they wud cuz i can b funny i can b all those thangs ppl think i am but it juss wuddnt b 100% true i am deeper then that..and if ppl cant deal wif that then fuck em..and i juss wish ppl wud grasp tha fact that thurr is soooo much anger built up inside me so much hate pain disgust so much shit i dont wanna expose but i cant cuz ppl aint ready AND im scared..scared of wut will happen 2 ppl i hold close will think wen they c me wif no curtain 2 hide the truf no lid 2 conceal my feelings...
thought i was done..? i aint finished i still hav a lil unfinished business wif sum1 in particular..idk u thought u was put away i havent forgotten...these pass cuple days hav made me realize that u werent who i thought u were..u say that its hard 2 hav things this way and u say u hate not talkin 2 ur friends and u say u wish thangs wud back 2 normal...and all i say 2 that is wtf is holdin u bac u say u cant come bac on ur deal cuz blah blah blah ive come 2 realize i juss dont hav time or giv a fuck bout excuses or wut explanations u hav cuz U r greedy plain n fuckin simple thinkin of only urself wut was best 4 u makin bullshit ass deals 4 ur own self pleasure not evn thinkin of wut tha consequences wud b and now that ur seein sum of them u wanna say that u wish thangs wuddnt b this way but if u truly did wish that then u wuddnt still b in that same predicament..and mayb u thought that ur decision wuddnt affect me in such a way but this only proves (again) that uve become drenched wif ignorance that its unreel...thurr was a time wen i thought that u cud b sumthin special that u wuddnt throw our friendship away i thought ud b thurr 4 me 4eva guess back then i was tha one wif tha ignorance cuz look wuts happened, juss look at it i want cha 2 sit bac 4 a cuple hours and juss look at wuts happened juss think of it juss try 2 remember wut exactly uve done and mayb juss mayb ull see tha shit i see...
sumthin that ppl shud kno...do tha math, do tha research, reduce it 2 its lowest terms, find tha square root, graph that shit, map it out, use a protractor, study it, do wuteva u want u still aint gonna figure me out....i leave u wif that..til tha next one |
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