I just got the thought that all of these entries are just numbers. Eventually, when I look back upon them, the emotion is gone. Of course I can tell if I was happy or sad or royally pissed off, but the emotion I felt at that given moment is lost. I don't feel the strength of it when I glance over my rants, my confessions, or my last attempts. I don't feel anything.

What is wrong with me?

I honestly don't know what to make of life anymore. Something is happening, I just don't know what. I know I am changing, and I'm scared.

I have no idea what I want anymore.

I can't make up my mind.

 I hurt people.

I speak my mind

I don't know what kind of person I want to be. I'm not happy. What will it take to make me happy? I can be happy for a while, but eventually, I need something new. Something to excite me again. What will it take next time? Am I destined to be happy? Am I destined to go through life looking over and over again for the things that make me happy? For a little while at least? Am I going to be shown "the light" and love the person I am years from now? Am I going to die off and not even be remembered? What's it going to be?

I don't know...

I felt the need to write, but I don't now what to write about. I'm annoyed by some things at the moment, but they are the same things that are always annoying me, so it doesn't really help to write about them over and over again.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I feel like i'm slowely dying inside. Every arguement brings me closer to not even caring.

I need you.

Where are you?

Save me, please.

I don't know what to think anymore. It's like I've given up. Well, I'm not really sure if I'd call it that. More like I stopped trying. Yeah, that sounds better. When you do something that make me feel like you don't care, I don't worry about it, I mean, I'm used to it by now anyways.

I've hit what I like to call as "The Wall" This is the point in the relationship where I still love a person, but it's not that "In love" feeling anymore. I hate this feeling because I always feel like I'm just going to give up on the relationship altogether. I had the numbed love feeling. It's not fair to them, or to myself for that matter. But, what can I do?

They still treat me like shit. I have no fucking idea why either. We've talked and talked, but they still pull the same shit that annoys the hell out of me. I gritted my teeth back then, but not anymore. They said they don't mean to, but if that were true, but do they still do it? They know it hurts me, when they treat me like shit. But I've decided to see this through. To give them a chance. But my question is, how many chances are included in "a chance?"

All I've felt like doing lately is crawling under the blankets and dreaming. Not necessarily sleeping, just dreaming. Lately I've been having bad dreams. It may be due to my research on the Holocaust though, which explains a lot of my dreams.

I should be working on all of the work that is due this week, but I decided I needed to get all of this off of my chest. I can't think straight when I have so many different things running in and out of my head, so I must take about 30 minutes out of my day to jot some things down. It helps a lot. I've been acting better since I started this thing.

Well, I should go ahead and start on those assignments I have due tomorrow and Wednesday. Bye

I feel lost. I'm not sure what to do anymore. The only person I ever had to tell anything and everything to hardly talks to me now. I can't even tell the one I love everything I need to share, because I'm scared to death of what they'll think, or if it'll cause more arguments later. My best friend is no longer in my life anymore. We used to talk everyday, but now we're lucky to talk twice in a week. I wish things were better. I can't say "Back to the way they were." Because things weren't really great back then either. I was in love with a different person. But sad. Now I'm in love with someone else, and I'm not sure how I feel at the moment. I feel, run down,tired, of everything. Sore, incapable of doing the things I need to do. I have lost most of my motivation to get anything done. I feel like... giving up.

I hate to think about giving up, but I'm not sure what else to do. I know I'm stronger than I may realize, but I'm tired. I am honestly, to the core, tired. When I go to bed at night, tears stream down my face, because that's the only time it seems they can escape. When I lay down for the night, my whole body aches. I feel like balling up and staying there, until the world deteriorates around me and frees me from everything. I want to lay down on the cold damnp grass, and feel the world give out beneath me. I want to know that there is an ending to my pain. That there's a reason for everything. I want to know that there's a reason why so many kids must die. I NEED to know that there is something after this life. I need to know that there's a place out there that won't cause heart ache and sorrow.

I feel like I am not completely here. Like part of me is always somewhere else. And I guess that's true. There's always a part of my mind that's sitting in a class room, part of my mind is always under a tree, relaxing and resting, while the magority of my mind is chasing children. It's hard to believe that the mind is as powerful as it is.

Well, I guess I'm going to call it a night. i'm rather tired, and I have a large test coming up tomorrow, so it's best that I am well rested. I'll try to let my mind sleep too.

I love the feeling of being in love, or at least what I consider to be "in love" But this is the first time I've been scared as hell. I want this soo bad, yet I'm not sure how much. I'm so scared. I'm not good with relationships, never have been. I always want that commitment, yet I'm scared as hell. And it keeps me at a far distance. I have never really been hurt in life, relationship wise. I can only think of one time, and it was my fault things ended. Well... I knew for months that it wouldn't work out between us, yet I wanted to try, because I really wanted it. But eventually I got depressed, and it caused me to seek out another happiness. And I did, I still am happy, but now i'm scared too. I have a tendency to worry about things, that haven't happened yet, and that gets me worried about falling out of love. I know that will be the cause of my future break ups. And I hate everytime it happens. It's only happened once before, and that time still hurts.

I'm afraid of getting hurt. I try my damnest to let people come close to me, but everytime that happens I hurt them, which in turn hurts me. I've always known that if a relationship failed, it would be because of me. The first time was my fault, I guess you could say, since I broke it off. But I didn't mean to fall in love with someone else. It just happened. The second break-up, was because we argued too much, and they weren't sure if they could make the sacrifice or not. To give everything up, for me. I hate that they'd have to choose between that, because that's not fair. But I told them, black and white, I woudn't be able to make the same sacrifice they were going to try and make. I wasn't strong enough to make it. But I told them for us to work, they had to make it.

I'm working hard at gettig better at relationships, but honestly, practice makes perfect, but I've never wanted to be in many relationships. I've always wanted to be with one person, forever. The perfect thought of a perfect life. I guess, that's just not the perfect life for me...

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK?

I wish I knew what to do these days. I'm completely crazy, and I'm losing my mind.

I wish I had someone to talk to, to really talk to. I have no one these days, and that hurts.

I don't know what to do.

I'll post more on the matter when I figure out what exactly to say.

For clarifictation, Jazz is a person.

Dear Jazz,

I don't see why you treat me like you do. Of course I'm not perfect, and I can understand why you do/act like you do some of the time, but being lied to, to cover up a lie. What the hell is that? I ony lied to you about one thing, and it wasn't even serious. But this, I asked you about this because it bothered and worried me, and you lied about it. I gave you multipile oppurtiunities to tell me the truth, and I would have been annoyed, yes, but I would have been more ok with it than I am now. I knew all along you had lied about it, but now I know for sure you have, and it bothers me.

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I wish I had someone to talk to when I need someone. D hardly talks to me anymore, and he's my best friend. I haven't talked to him in over a week though, so I don't know what's happening. I used to be able to tell him anything that was going on, but he won't speak to me now. I wish I knew what was happening.

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It seems like the only people I have to talk to are the ones that I can't talk to. Everyone else that has ever been close to me leaves me behind, or have changed so much, it's hard to be around them. D has changed, Jazz, of course has changed. I have even changed. I don't like the person I have became.

Fuck...

Simply that, ugh.

They changed me. I knew it would happen, but I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't want to feel bad about the person I had become. When they were here with me, I didn't notice how much I had changed, but now that they are gone and no longer masking my true self, I hate myself. I'm not the person I was a few months ago. I've let go of things I should have fought to protect. I've given up on the logical part of my brain, and only listened to my heart. I do believe you should listen to your heart, but blocking out any logical thinking you may have is just as bad. They made me do that. They made me change my opinions on many things that I now regret. I know, You can't be changed by someone unless you let them, but I never knew a single person could have such influence on another. They changd me and are now gone, leaving me to put up with myself.

At first I was upset that they were gone. I felt bad, and I missed them, but once they walked out of my life, my life was more about myself. I'm not selfish or anything, but now I do the things I enjoy, and even though I love them and miss them terribly, if they came back I wouldn't get back together. If in such a short period of time they changed me so much, what the hell will I be like if we got back together?

The party at Riverside was amazing. Me and the guys had a great time. It had it's moments though, like when Jeff drank some... I'm not sure what it was. Phil and his damn alcoholic experiements. Jeff decided to "man up" and take a swing at it, but ended up throwing up... On my new shoes. so that wasn't that fun. He passed out right after that, so I guess I'll just take 60 bucks from him, because he won't even remember he did it tomorrow.

I got called a "pussy" a couple times, because I chose not to drink. I just hate the taste. It's not genetically in your dna to like beer if your a guy, so I don't see why people make such a big deal about it.

Diz was there too. I haven't seen him since... what, 9th grade? Damn... He hasn't changed much. Still fat as hell and smelling of cheap cigs. I knew almost everyone at the party, except, this one girl. I asked around o'so smoothly, trying to figure out who she was. I didn't want to come out and ask people "Hey, Who's that chick?" Because that might pin me as a stalker, but eventually I heard from a group of girls that she was a new girl in town. They had brought her because her college roomie left for the weekend, so they wanted her to get off campus. She was... beautiful. Had long brown hair. Dark eyes, and she was tall too, so that's a plus. I kept my eye on her for the rest of the evening, trying to see how much I could figure out about her before I got the balls to talk to her. (I did later that night).

I noticed how she had a bottle of Mountain Dew with her, so I conluded that she was a bit paranoid with drinking the "non-alcoholic" drinks at the party, for fear that they had been spiked. She wasn't dancing with any of the guys, or flirting, so either she's taken or she doesn't believe in hooking up with guys at parties. I noticed that everytime the bass music started up again, she'd cover her ear. She's not used to parties like this. I saw her walk out of the house and through the back door where the pool was, so I decided to follow her. I stayed far enough away so she wouldn't see me walk out behind her. I stepped through the door and pretended like I was going to sit down, just so I could turn around and look to see where she was. She was there, by the grill. She was watching me. I decided to take a seat anyways, and pretend I was doing something important. She walked over to me!!!!!

"Can I sit here?"

"Ugh.... sure, yeah, sure." (I'm not a smooth talker when taken off guard)

"Thanks."

We sat there, in dead silence, until she decided to break it.

"Have you been watching me this entire night? Don't lie, because I saw you staring at me."

Fuck.... "Yeah, Kind of I guess. You seem interesting."

"Interesting. How do you mean? Discovery chanel interesting or She's kind of bizzar interesting?

"Bizzar."

"Well thank you."

Oddly enough, by that comment she loosened up a bit. Sat back in her chair, and we started talking. I completely forget what we talked about now. I was amazed by the fact that she started talking to me after I basically called her weird. But oh well, It was a nice nice, and I got her number. =)