Nothing is really set in stone. There has been talk of in the near future going to Myrtle Beach for a well deserved vaction with my hunnie. And I plan to marry this man in a couple of years. Nothing can be more perfect. I'm in love.--
I've been thinking about all the other guys that obviously weren't good enough. And I think about how either they screwed up or I screwed it up for them. I've grown a lot through the years and I'm learning more and more about myself every day. I know what path to follow in life I just don't know how to get there yet and I haven't quite made it there either. Life is a very slow process. It will take me sometime to get everything in order. I know even right now that me and Lee can be together for a long time. I mean we both have growing to do but I know in time everything falls right where it's suppose to be. And now I do actually believe my life has some purpose that I wasn't just put here to be depressed and to fail. I was created for some reason. I don't know what that reason is but I'm starting to realize life happens no matter how bad it is..... shit happens. It's just our choice of how we deal with everything. There's a lot in my past that I know if things we're different and I didn't have loving people around me and my strong will power I wouldn't have made it this far. I would have gave everything up for someone else, they would have won; not me. This is my life and I control my future. It's not for anyone else to control. Life is filled with two-way streets, dead-end roads, bumps and curves. We just have to learn along the way of how to deal with everything we're given or thrown. I've figured out a lot by living my life so far. I know I have a lot to learn. But what no one understands is I've been through shit, I've seen hell. I've been up so close to hell I felt the fire burn my skin. I'll tell you one thing me and my best friend both have seen our own share of hell, we're still living. It's been hard but we have found a way to get through everything together. And I know there are going to be things in the future that we're going to either get from or give to someone else. We're bound to do great things together. And we have men with us to help us when we fall just like we've picked up each other every time before. We're growing up and living. I just want people to have some idea that there's more to life that just the bullshit. More to life than 'she said, he said', more than who's screwing who or who wants to, more than rumors, more than the pay check you bring home, more than the things at your job, more than anger, more than fusisng, more than everything. There are things in life that leave your heart in a million pieces and leaves your soul rotted. Things you can't just fix with forgetting or ignoring. Life is deeper than what you see on the surface. Just wait and think before you say certain things to people. You might hurt them if you don't understand what they've been through. Just remember there is always someone who has it worse than you and always someone who has it better.--
There are so many loose ends in my life. Things I need to tie up but I just won't and can't. So many things has happened in my life some great other's not so great. Most I can't explain. I wish I could feel all of the love I deserve from everyone. My future isn't promised to me obviously and everything can change in one second. I guess I just want so much and that's why I'm getting let down so hard. I thought life would be better. I don't know what I was thinking. I want people to support me and care. I guess I have a fucked up thought of how people should show me they care. And it's not going according to the plan. I think lust and love are two different things and everyone should be mature enough to tell them apart. And everyone should be adult enough to act only on love or lust. Please just be honest with me that's all I've ever wanted. I just have so much in my head and I think it's just my emotions of every other problem trying to control everything else. I can't tell if it's my mind or my heart or just my crazy emotions. Damn it.--
God I didn't think anyone could love me as much as he does. And I don't know how I ever deserved all of this. Lee knows everything about me. I've told him everything from my life and he still stays around. We closer than I've ever been with anyone in my life. I'm usually so distant but not with him. I'm totally comfortable with him. I love them way he looks at me, like he wants me and will want me forever more. God it's wonderful. I've never been this happy or so much in love in my entire life!--
I fuckin' love Lee to damn death. I swear it is perfect between us. I feel like we take care of each other. Like we're both in this relationship 100%. And I've never felt as comfortable, secure, and so in love than I am now. I always tend to fuck everything up in a relationship but this time I have no second thoughts or anything. I feel like this is what I've been waiting for my whole life, someone like him just to complete me in every way possible. It's like he takes all the bad away and all I see is either how to work everything out or only the positive. It's like the whole world is perfect. I respect all of the advice and his opinions. And I trust him with all of my heart. And I have a problem with trust. I really do. It's like all of my worries go out the fuckin' door. And I just love being around him. He is so wonderful to me. And I don't think words can ever fully express the love I have for him. I think the shit I've been through has just made me deserve this. And now since I can love myself I've found out I am able to love someone else.And his mom and s-mom are wonderful to me. I know they don't fake it. I went with them to take him to the hosiptal when he was sick. He stayed with me when I was sick. I could barely even move and he took care of me. And the way he was with me I knew that he really did care. No one has cared about me that much.I've never been treated this good. I actually do deserve something good. And I have it now.--
We're moving. We found a different house. This one is in hamlet. 307 Oak Ave. We're moving in the 15th of this month. I can't wait. I have most of my shit packed up and we're moving boxes over there tomorrow. And I'm trying my best to buy shit. Thank god I get paid Friday after we move in. B/c that helps a lot.--
The whole gang is moving out. And evenutally my baby, Lee will move in with me. But I don't want to rush that. Although I would love to sleep all night with him. And be able to sleep naked with out everyone walking through my room. That really bothers me. This way I'll have to guest house. SO it will be better. We've already paid the first months rent and the deposit and all that shit. So by Monday we'll be moved. Or close to moving in.
I'm so happy with my boyfriend. I didn't ever think anyone could make me this happy. And I didn't ever think I could love soneone as much as I love him. I'd di for him b/c I love him so much. He's so good for me.Wonderful!--
When someone surprises the hell out of you. And you can't keep from flirting back. And you can't wait til you actually go out with them b/c he really asked. He didn't really hint around liking you, he actually came out and said so. When you're trying to figure out if you do actually want to date him and have a relationship with him.
Do I want to waste my time on someone that I think likes me or the guy I know likes me? Grrrr....
I want someone who will love me but I have to love myself first. I understand this now. I have to take everything slow. So maybe this time it may be worth it. Be friends with him before you want to sleep with him. I have to remind myself of this everytime I look at him.
I feel like a whore b/c of the one and a half-night-stand. Do I really want to be that easy? I guess I thought he really liked me. But he didn't like me enough to even want to understand me. He never once took interest in my poetry, music, or art. It's pretty sad that I was wishing for so much more than I could have ever got from him. And it was just stupidity that got me so heart broken. And I could kick myself every day for that. I want no pity for this mistake. I guess I thought more of the attention than anything else. Someone paid me the attention I thought I deserved and in reality I didn't deserve that at all. The lust in a person's eyes when they look at me makes me sick. I really hate it.--
Robert come by last night to say good bye, he's leaving for Ocean Isle beach. He's moving. I couldn't even face him. I had this dream that he came over and things didn't go so well, he like flipped out in my dream. I just didn't feel good about seeing him so I followed my gut and told him to leave. And the guy from work which I had sex with didn't call me for a while and wondered why I was upset. I didn't even tell him I was upset b/c it didn't really matter to me. He's just a cheater that's all. It wasn't anything to brag about either. So I was a little tore up but that's just b/c I felt a little something for him in my heart. But it's alright. I'm over that. Thank god.--
This guy from work, Marty, likes me. I like him too. We're talking now. He has a girlfriend but for some reason I don't care. I really do like him. And he's good to me. Very sweet.--
My old ways have only left and I'm here with a empty shell of memories of what I used to do. Before I had anyone in my life. When I was just a no one and I was perfected and nothing. Just a no one. With no soul. Now I'm full with my newly bought soul.--
I've only started with Christmas. Blah. It's getting too close for it's own good. Today at work was good. Someone from myspace knew who I was. He come in today and was like are you Narcissistic Junkie. I'm like "Yea?". Then he sent me a message that he was sorry if he was so werid. It actually wasn't werid.
I love my baby. She got home late from my house and now she's grounded and can't talk to me on the phone which sucks. Very sad. Thank god for e-mail and myspace.--
I really do love her. She's my world and I just get lost in her eyes. I really miss her and I want to see her. I didn't go to work today b/c I felt like shit. And I woke up late and didn't want to rush to get to work. Damn it. Hopefully we'll get to spend time together when she's off from school and before daddy gets back.
Oh yea daddy's fine and he loves China. He said the food was spicy but so good. And the people there didn't drive so well, so fast and wild like there's no rules besides stopping at stop lights. And he thinks China is so pretty. It's nice that I heard from him. I do miss him.--
It's been so great. I'm going to mom's house for almost 3 weeks tomorrow night. Daddy is leaving Tuesday. He'll be gone til Christmas. It's okay. I'll miss him but 'you only live once, don't you?' Hopefully I'll get to see my baby while I'm at mom's. God I love her. She's so good to me. I've wrote so many poems this week. They are all wonderful poems. I'll post later.--
They're all desperate for love and affection
No they're desperate for you,
And as you sit up there
All sly and *sure I want it*
Does anyone think as strongly
As you do
I'm quite sure we'll find one another
In a place that's better then this
A time filled with us and we
Send up our shooting stars and comets
Yeah we make our little gestures
Yes we make our little comments
This song is my anthem
And it makes up my ideas
And who I am
As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals
All my cleverly planned meals
I'm stripped and vital and I see rules that almost fit
So if I voice my opinion will you stay and sit
And as I stand here screaming in despair
I said yes this is my life and yes you should care
(yes this is my life and yes you should care)
This song is my anthem
(close your eyes)
And it makes and it makes up my ideas
And here I am
(and you'll free your mind)
As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals
(you're free to fly)
All my cleverly planned meals
( just say close your eyes)
(and I will free your mind, you're free to fly)
Hardly happy at all
And I'm ready to take the fall
Cause we pay for the stupid things we've done
We come from
Can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep
(can you sit through this or is it going to be too deep)
Will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap
(will you ever use common sense it comes pretty cheap)
So if I speak more clearly if I make more sense
(so if I speak more clearly if I make more sense)
Will you just shut your mouth you won't come across quite so dense
And so close your eyes
Free your mind, you're free to fly
Close your eyes
I free my mind, I'm free to fly
I said close your eyes
And may you free your mind
You're free to fly
I said close your eyes
And may you free your mind
You're free to fly
She said close your eyes
And free your mind, you're free to fly
She said close your eyes
Free you mind, free to fly
Close your eyes
Close your eyes
I will free your mind, you're free to fly
This song is my anthem,
And it makes up my ideals
And who I am
As benefitted from all my cleverly planned meals
All my cleverly planned meals
I love the way she stares at me with that look on her face. Like she's just admiring me like a work of art. I love the way she kisses me when I want it the most. Like she knows me some how. I love how she makes everything disppear when I'm with her. Like she magically freezes time. I love the way she touches me and lights me on fire. Like she can't get enough of how my body feels. I love how she holds my hand. Like she'll never let go. I love how she smiles when I look at her. Like she knows all of what I'm thinking. And most of all I love being with her. Like nothing in the world will make me feel the way she does.--
I wrote a poem but it sucks. I was I can get my writing back to the way it was before it was ruined. Damn shit. But I have all of those others poems that I've wrote. They are really beautiful poems. Isn't that great? lol.
I think Lowes is beating me up when I turn my head. B/c I got a cut on one hand and the other one is bruised. Oh well. I just hate how people think just b/c I'm a girl I can't lift a fuckin' a box with a fan in it. Oh whatever. Just b/c I'm little. But I love LaCourtney and Sandra more than anyone else at Lowes besides Jason, Kevin and Steve. Not dateable guys of course. lol.
I talked to Danielle on the phone she's in the hospital b/c she had her baby. I can't wait til I get to see him. So cute, I bet.
Damn I have all these feelings and shit. I just don't know how to express them. But it's quite alright. I'll figure out something. I hope. I've always felt so strongly for her and I just don't know how to express it now. When it matters. I want to write wonderful poems and shit. But nooo.. Damn it.--
Thanksgiving was great. I mean damn. I figure out what real feelings are when you like someone. It's like a kiss can save you from the world. To take your mind off of the pain. And just to be with that person what feelings like not longer enough. Forever wouldn't even be enough. I love feeling this way.--
How can I be alright and just not feel anything? I mean I almost married him. I can't forget him, I just don't want to be with him. I've been thinking about what he said and he really did hit a nerve... That I always end a relationship after like 4 months. I just can't be happy, ever. I just can't stay with anyone long enough to feel anything. I've cut all of my feelings off and I can only feel for three people sexually and that's it. There's going to be another person I might can be with and actually feel for. But I've already hurt this person once and I'm scared I may hurt them again. I always fuck up and I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. Please help me someone.--
My birthday was the best. I got a pocket book from my grandma Britton and money from her and Jeff. I went to go get my tattoo but Jerry was booked up b/c these two guys that are brothers paid a 1,000 dollars for the shop for the day. So horrible. But I'm going tomorrow to get it and my hair cut. Yay! I'm so happy b/c I celebrated my birthday about all week. From Monday when I had my party, then last night, today, and for a little bit tomorrow. Robert got my a gold necklace with a 'I love you' charm. But Daddy got me a dvd player. Oooo I love it. I had a wonderful brithday today!--
I wanted so much for myself, to write and go to college. To make it better I was a year older. I'm not any wiser I don't think I wrote a lot today mostly random things. I was working in the Garden Center at Lowes today. I watched Gilmore Girls when I got to mom's and it got me thinking when I came home. (Story time)
I walk into this house of disarray wondering why I'm so sick and why I feel so bad. I've worked today having to struggle through new things and not feeling all that great. I look around inside of my house here at daddy's and I just wonder where have I been storing myself. Where did I loose myself at and how can I find her? I was cleaning off the coffee table and seen a wedding magazine that I didn't cancel so I threw it across the room. I hate feeling this sad. And I also seen a college thing to get my college done online and my thing from Pembrooke. I just started crying b/c I felt so sick, I'm going to be 19 tomorrow and my life isn't where it's suppose to be. I should be in college instead of working a deadend job but I like working there. I should be working somewhere useful like a paper or something. I want to write that's where my dreams start and I'm useless just wasting away and not doing anything for daddy around the house. I stayed at mom's last night for my party and didn't even call him. I shouldn't be this way. All about myself and not caring about anything else besides my job. I need to get my shit together and start putting my life back together. Another thing is I was going to marry Robert and now I choose not to and I have all these things that remind me of the wedding. I see kids every day at work and I think it could've been me if I could just be happy for once.. But I never can be happy b/c I don't work at it. Not as much as it's needed to be worked at. I have dreams and goals for my life but I'm just wasting away doing nothing.--
I actually like working. It makes me feel pretty special. I got my paycheck Thursday. And I bought some new clothes and a new tongue ring that says "Go Fuck Yourself". It's great. I've been writing a lot at work between checking out people. It's nice to be able to write too. I haven't really wrote a lot until I got the job. I just feel a lot different now that I'm working. I'm not the same as I was before. I have a bit of maturity and a little spark where I still know how to have fun and still do my job. I do work pretty hard. It's good.--
My party is going to be Monday for my b-day. So totally awsome. I'm going to be 19 next wednesday. I can't believe it's right around the corner. Oooooo..... It's going to be so cool. If you want to come I'll give you the details.--
Mom's selling her car to Robert so it's gone from here. Oh well I'm kinda glad to see it go. Me, Charles, Kelly and mom played darts in our new game room (shop). We're going to be painting in there as soon as Kelly comes back with the paint. lol. I don't really look forward to see someone today. It's all just getting old. I'm getting tired of shit. I just can't take it anymore. Blah!--
I've been off for the past 3 days. It's nice to have days off but I'd rather be working. I have to go back to work tomorrow. But it's 5-9:30 so I just know that I'll see more people I know or atleast more kids. You do not know how cute they are in Lowes. lol. So adorable! And I'll have less old, slow people. B/c they come more often in the mornings. But in the afternoon evening I doubt they'll come. Anyway I'm going to mom's tonight so I'll be there if you need me.--
I broke off the engagement with Robert. It just wasn't right. I just don't know what I was thinking when I did it. I guess I wasn't thinking when I said yes or was even talking about it with him. I need my life free of commitment like that. We're still together for now. I just don't know anymore. I have this funny feeling in my gut that something is going to happen with us. It might be big but then again it might be a really small something. This means; no more wedding plans, no more worrying about the money, no more sappy I love you I want to spend the rest of my life with you bullshit, no more need for a ring, no more worrying about where we're going to live, no more of his mom, no more nothing. I'm done with this bullshit. I just don't want to be in this situation anymore. I just don't feel it at all and want out.--
Sheryl Crow: My Favorite Mistake
I woke up and called this morning
The tone of your voice was a warning
That you don't care for me anymore
I made up the bed we sleep in
I looked at the clock when you creep in
It's 6 a.m. and I'm alone
Did you know when you go
It's the perfect ending
To the bad day I was just beginning
When you go all I know is
You're my favorite mistake
Your friends are sorry for me
They watch you pretend to adore me
But I'm no fool to this game
Now here comes your secret lover
She'd be unlike any other
Until your guilt goes up in flames
You're my favorite mistake
Well maybe nothin' lasts forever
Even when you stay together
I don't need forever after
It's your laughter won't let me go
So I'm holding on this way
Did you know, could you tell
You were the only one
That I ever loved
Now everything's so wrong
Did you see me walking by?
Did it ever make you cry?
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
You're my favorite mistake
I did get the job at Lowes. Seen a old teacher of mine I had in 8th and 9th grade for two different subjects. lol. I love working. It's great. I'm offically a Level 1 cashier. Isn't that great! I like to think so. I got my schedule today and it's looking promising. Yay. I'm off sat. and mon. I'll post the rest of that shit later. lol.--
I downloaded so many songs. I bet it's about 100 songs. I'm lovin' Jack Off Jill, Tegan and Sara, and My Ruin. Great. Me and Robert are great. I'm so glad. Best relationship ever! I went to an interview for Lowes Monday. I'll hear back Thursday. I had a drug test also. I think I got the job. I'll be a cashier. So glad! I'm really happy everything is going perfect. My wedding date is now June 17th 2006. It got moved up. Sorry you guys we are so looking forward to getting married we had to move it up and b/c I'd be starting school in August and that would be too much shit. And I want the whole springish/summer wedding! yay--
I have been diagnosed with Depression. I'm going to continue my appiontments next year when I get some insurance. But I'm so glad it's finally been said by a professional. Yay!--
For the first time I'm not depressed and I have someone to love; that loves me too. All of my dreams are coming true. I'll never give this up. I never thought any of this would happen. I'm so amazed.
I'm going to mom's today to stay the week with her. If anyone calls that's where I'll be. Me and daddy are grilling out today. Yum. And I have ideas for a collage. I'm finally working on my art. I'm so glad. Oh Well Have a Nice Day, I know I will.--
I had so much fun yesterday. We went to my mom's b/f's aunt's house(Melba) for Amanda's sister's b-day. I'm going to get Melba to cut my hair. She has a beauty shop in her house it's wonderful. Mighty cool. I think I'm going to take my ditigal camera over to my mom's more aften to get pictures of everyone. It is so fun over there b/c I don't really have to worry about anything. I mean I don't over here at daddy's house either and I do like my time alone but I'm always busy and never bored over there. Over here I watch tv, get on the internet, and eat; that's it. Pretty boring if you ask me. Well I'm happy with my baby. lol. He's great.--
This is like the most important thing that has ever went on in my life. I'm glad to have someone that really cares about me enough to call just to make sure I'm okay, to take me anywhere I want to eat, to hug me so tightly like he'll never let go; he even knows me well enough to know what's wrong, to finish my thoughts or sentences, and to always be there when I need him. I really haven't ever felt like this about anyone in my life. And I'm so glad it Robert. I've known him since I was 11 years old and I always liked him. He was a very good friend to me and helped me out a lot with school and different things. This is like a dream come true to finally be with him and it's unreal how I'm going to be his wife in almost a year. There is apart of my life that needed this fulfillment. Now I have that and I'm so happy and blessed to have someone like him to be with me.--
I got my engagement ring. I love it. We're starting to plan the wedding. This is the first time I've had anything this important in my life. It's wonderful. The set date for the wedding is Oct. 21, 2006. I can't wait.--
I'm doing better now. It's all weird. We stayed up til 4:00 am this morning. God it was fun just sitting around talking and laughing, I didn't even think about anything. It was like nothing mattered anymore. I lose myself in conversations and movies and I forget about my problems for a little while. It's wonderful. Me and Robert are still doing great. It's perfect. I'm meeting his parents Saturday. We went out to eat last night at Peking Wok. It was so fun. I actually ate a lot of chinese food. Yum. We might even go out tonight. I'm not sure yet!--
I'm out of school until the hearing Tuesday @ 2:30. I'm so freaking nervous about this. I have people helping me through it. I apologized to him today and I'm starting to want to forgive myself. It's so hard to live with something like this. Damn it.--
I still don't know if I'm going to be charged or not and I still don't know about school. This was all a big mistake on my part. I wasn't meaning to hurt anyone. But it happen. I know this now I'm never doing cocaine, no weed, and no drinking ever again. If this can get me into this much trouble I don't need it.
I finally did eat some food. I felt like I didn't deserve it b/c I didn't know how TJ was doing and I was so scared. I'm still like a sitting duck b/c I know nothing.--
Daddy didn't trust me to stay alone so I'm at my mom's. I want so much just to die. I feel like Hilter. I feel like killing myself right now. I might be charged with attempted murder and kicked out of college. This is serious shit. A friend I gave a cigarette to with cocaine on it had a heart attack. I can't even eat or sleep or think straight. I'm not ever eating again. I don't deserve to be comfortable or alive right now.--
Today has been great. Daddy finally said Robert could come over Saturday if he was off. I'm so glad b/c I really think Robert is wonderful to me. Daddy said that too, that Robert might be the guy for me. How wonderful is that!--
I've been cleaning and chillin around talking to mom. Being crazy. I have a good day today. I talked to Tara and TJ in psychology class. When I got there this morning I met up with Tara, Kayla, and Jessica until my first class started which is psychology. It was a great lecture today. How fun. I wrote a paragraph about my "career goals" in Writing class. Math class was alright but I've had better. I have to defintely review my shit in there. lol. Tomorrow I go to school at 11:00 so I can sleep a bit more. Yay. I can't wait til I can see Robert. I do miss him a lot.--
I can't wait til Robert calls. When he gets off at 7:30 he'll call. lol. I miss him a lot. This week is going to be hard b/c I doubt I'm going to get to see him. He is off Friday. But I know daddy won't let him pick me up or anything. Damn it. But I am so happy. I have my b/f and my friends that are wonderful! T.J, Kayla, Tara, Emily, Ashleigh, Chris, Eric, Josh, and Britany. I just love everyone. So great!--
Today was great, Miranda come over before I woke up and she got in the bed together. We started talking about everything. I caught her up on my life and she did the same. I love her as if she was my baby sister but she's just my consin. She's wonderful. In no more than a month she'll be 11 year old. How sweet. We walked to Food Lion eariler, it was fun. We got a Dole apple juice.. so good.
Robert is going to come over in a little while. He bought me a few shirts and some pants last night. Gotta love that. lol. I really like him a lot and I hope nothing messes up our bond we have created. That would really hurt me. I don't think I could handle being hurt like that again. I've never felt like this before about anyone. I don't know what it is. I just care so much about him, I love spending time with him, and I love talking to him, I miss him when I'm away from him, I think about him a great deal, I talk about him a lot, I don't care what people think when they see us together, I'm happy with him and that's all that really matters anyway.
College is going great. I'm getting to know people that I wouldn't have known otherwise. It's so different than high school. I never thought I could be this excited and happy about going to school. But college is a lot different than anything else. Social standings don't matter anymore. If you're punk, rock, skater, white, black, young, old, gothic, hip-hop, red neck, ghetto, prepy, egoticist, narcissistic, dorky, a pot head, or an alcholic or what your major or interest are; You're still welcome to sit with anyone and talk to everyone. That's why I love college.--
We had so much fun last night we got so many cheese burgers from McDonalds. It was great. Me and TJ had break together again today. Talking about how girls can be psycho. So damn funny. And we talked about psychology class. Smoked a lot. lol. I got a book from the libaray. I love my writing teacher Pridgen. She's great. I feel like she understands me some how. Since I love words so much. It's great. Wonderful.--
I'm a college student finally. Wow. I love it. It's great at RCC. I love my professors and my classes. Everything is perfect. And Robert is so good to me. It's unbelieveable sometimes. He means so much to me. I do hate to say this usually but I don't know what I'd do if I lost him. He makes me so happy. I really love being around him, talking with him, and just staring at him. He's wonderful.--
Changing my lifestyle like I change my clothing style
August 13th, 2005 @ 12:00am
I'm going to mom's tomorrow. Going to church tomorrow night. To talk to Amanda and hear her speak. Going to school Monday. It's great. And yes I said church. Unbelieveable huh? But I'm just wanting to learn all about Christianity and I want to be a better person. I just want to be my happiest and I think I'll find it with God. That's all. I'm curious about it and I want to learn more.--
I actually start school monday. I'm so excited that I'm finally going to college. I'll put up my schedule later. It's wonder. The earliest class I have is 9:00 and I'll get out at 1:00 for 3 days and the the other 2 days I'll get out at 12:00. This is going to be wonderful.--
Well I got to get my class schedule from RCC Wednesday. Daddy's taking me b/c he wouldn't let Robert take me. Damn it. For some weird reason I want nothing but spicy food. (Period coming I guess). I'm piging out on Favor twist honey bbq. These things are so good. And I have beef jerky. Yum. My poetry is going well. And I'm so glad. I finally got through my writer's block. Thank god.
Secretly I want to live right. Go to church, be respectful, not cuss, not smoke, and things like that but what would come of me if I did change. That wouldn't be real. I'd be like everyone else. I don't want that for me. I might change later in life but I'm not ready to change right now.
I've learn through watching Def Poetry on HBO that words are power. No matter if you can relate or not. Words are powerful. Even if you don't understand what they've been through you can feel what they felt and finally relate to them. Actually before I wouldn't watch it b/c I thought it was stupid and not really poetry but it is. And Bad Boys of Comedy is fucking funny as hell. I love all of the comedians.
I had a good day today. Just chillin around by myself with t.v. and music and the computer of course. I liked it. So fun.--
"Words"
With my cigarettes,
The smoke surrounds me,
Words come out,
And I feel freedom,
The words that speak,
In the silence of the night,
Mixed with the smokey air,
The words I can't feel,
Until you touch me,
Just a hand on my face,
The people you see,
The voices you hear,
Unless you're blind and deaf,
Like the words;
That come out on paper.
Of course Robert called on his break to check up on me. I'm eating Sun Chips out of the bag and drinking the rest of my Pepsi out of the bottle. This is my day to myself. It feels good to be alone for a while. With only my computer, Nirvana, and my words floating about.--
Me and Robert are so happy. For the first time in a while I'm happy. We went out to eat last night (Peking Wok). Then we went to Wal*Mart and Goodies. He tried to buy me shoes and a pocket book but I wouldn't let him. He did order me a cd. Marilyn Manson: Lest We Forget. Of course he didn't ask me if I wanted. It was our first date when we went to the movies I told him I didn't have it. So he got it for me. He actually listens. lol.
Although I don't have daddy's blessing on this relationship I think it'll work. I'm starting college soon and daddy thinks I'll drop out but I know I won't. I've worked way too hard to get this far I can't turn back now. It kinda hurts that he said that but I guess I'll be okay. I just want to prove him wrong. Hell I did graduate when he thought I wasn't. I guess I can do this too.
No, me and Robert haven't had sex of any sort. And I'm going to. I'm not ready for that. And it's way too soon for sex. It complicates everything. And it's wonderful just to sit around or ride around and talk. I like talking to Robert. I can see he really cares for me. And it's wonderful. I am happy. I just wish daddy would give him a chance and not ruin this for me. I deserve to be happy after all I've been through over the years. Depression has ate away a lot for me and now since I'm out of the depression I can finally live. I want to live, go to college, get a job, and maybe settle down. And I want daddy to support me. I just need that from him. Daddy is my world and I want to see him happy. And I need happiness too. I think this is my happiness and I love it.--
My date went perfect. The Devil's Rejects is the coolest movie. And the kisses are wonderful. That hand on my leg was innocence and wonderful all at the same time. We talked about everything that might excite us both. And I want to see you again!--
I jammed my damn toe last night. It still hurts like hell. Ouch. But other than that I have stupid butterflies in my tummy about "you know who". I'm going shopping maybe tomorrow and going out Saturday. Oh my god, I just can't wait. I'm so excited.--
Well. What can I say. I seen an old friend in Wal-mart the other day and we talked on the phone. A little catch up since it's been so long. I did miss this old friend a bit. And I'm happy I got to talk with them.--
I'm back home. Yay. I'll stay a week with mom, a week with dad and so on. It's better this way. This way no one is left out. God, I've been eating all sorts of junk food. I'm trying to get back healthy looking. I hate being this skinny. Blah. I was looking through my pictures when I was about 16 and I actually looked good. Now I look like a skinny stick. Oh well. I have to go to RCC about 6:00 to take the test so Mom is picking me up at 5:00 or 5:30. I'll be back home maybe about 7:30 or 8:00. (I'll e-mail you sharon and call you Tommorrow.)--
Omg. But if you see the movie please read the book. It's more in the book than the movie. It was really good. I actually wrote poems 2 yesterday and 2 the day before. I was so happy. I really liked the idea of me writing again. I don't know where it went but I'm glad it's back. I'm so bored. I need something to do. Can you believe two different people are interested in me? Interesting huh?--
I'm thinking very seriously of moving in with mom. But I'm not sure b/c I know daddy doesn't want me to. It's really hard on me and I don't know what to do. HELP!--
I'm staying at mom's for a week. Daddy redid my computer since mom took her's and I didn't have road runner no more since it was networked. But I'm okay now. Although my stupid computer doesn't even seem like mine anymore. It looks horrible. I hate it. Whatever. A lot of things are going through my mind right now and I don't even have the time to think. I just don't know. (Call me at grandma's sharon)--
We worked on my room at mom's. I'm staying with her all week. But I'm going to help Sharon and Kevin with their house. Since they help me and mom a lot with grandma's house. (Put me to work) We bought covers, stencils, paint, light blub for kitchen, rug, pillows, shades, curtains, more brushes and rollers, and I think that's it. I had fun today acting crazy and talking to mom about the stuff we needed to talk about. I was a friend today... she really needed to talk about feelings and things. That made me feel good. And I was glad.--
Well I talked to Danielle today, Seen Sharon, Kevin, and the baby, Moved a bed & other junk, watch Six Feet Under, and That was my day. I should redo this journal. lol. Isn't my life so interesting? Nope, I didn't think so.--
I found some old welches jelly jars with peanuts on them. They were at Connie's. And I found a 1985 Monopoly that is called Advance to Boardwalk. And I found a bed I like. I felt so good. I love that bed. It's for mom's house. I'm going to redo my room at my house too. We're cleaning out my room at my mom's house tommorow. God I was so tired last night I fell asleep on the couch. It's really uncomfortable but I was tired. I'm going to start collecting things and stuff.--
I finally "have" my own room at my mom's. I mean it was always there but I actually stayed in it. I actually had fun over there. Me, her, and her b/f watched movies. Diary of a Mad Black Woman and White Noise. They were both good movies although I didn't last through White Noise. B/c I went to sleep. But it was fun anyway. I've been away from home too long. hehe. It was all fun.
I thought a lot today, I spent the day with mom painting her bedroom and going to the store with her. I think I'm more interested in guys right now than girls. I don't know why but I know I'm still bisexsexual of course but I want a long term relationship something serious. I really want to get married and have children later.. next 5 years maybe. I just wish I had listened to my heart before I hurt the love of my life.. I was so stupid back in 9th grade. Why did I fuck it up?--
I chilled with Markie and Keith today. It was fun. Then I helped daddy move the tv and dvd/vhs thing to mom's house. She's getting more things this coming up w/e. I really can't wait so I'll have more room for all my junk. Yay. She says doesn't want the trailer. So I don't know what's going on. Blah!--
How about talking to someone that hasn't seen you naked is wonderful. I do really like him. It's wonderful just to think about the important things. I'm not ready for that sex before you get into my heart. I'm done with that shit. It just goes badly. He knows I'm bisexual.. and I'm very honest with him. It's wonderful!--
Me and daddy went to the gun store. I had a sandwich at grandma's house. I like guns. Jeremy called me eariler. He wanted to know what I'm doing this w/e. I'm not sure how this "dating" thing works... Umm. I mean we're not together or anything it would be just chillin around with his friends. ummm.. Sounds good huh? I tend to think so. Please give me something to do. Me and daddy are going to the zoo Sat. so if he wants to go out Sat. I can't.--
This background is of me... photoshopped. Of course. And so is [safetypinstory] background. It's started out being a story of me but it didn't end up that way...--
I talked to this guy(Jeremy) on myspace last night. He added me on my AIM. That was great. I finally got AIM. I was so excited. Since it's my computer I can put anything on here that I want. So ha!
I talked to Belinda on the phone a little while ago and she ignored me. The only thing she was doing is holding the phone and talking to everyone else. I guess she's the one I have to worry about just trying to get into my pants. I guess that's all I am to her. Damn it! I guess I'm better off with guys anyway!--
Mom tired to get me to move in with her. Damn it. But of course I told her I didn't want to then her "boy friend" told her that I was 18 and not a baby anymore. And that I should be able to live where I wanted to. Yay. He saved the day!--
I work on my forum a bit. I love it so much. I have 57 topics and 119 post and 26 members. I feel important. I really like having it. I guess if I can get it bigger I can help and get to know lots of different people. Yay! It's important to me so that's good.--
I want so much just to kiss her. But I want it to be special and to mean something.
Well I have a good day today. I ate chicken and rice and just finished with pizza. Yum. A good 4th of July... I guess. It would have been better if I had seen her or got to talk to her longer. Damn it.--
I helped mom move the beds at grandma's house. It was fun. Not as hard as is sounds. It's a big house with tall rooms and big fat door ways. No problems at all! Say good night to me and call me your lover...--
God damn it. Well mom found out about a few things about daddy's "internet" life and daddy found out about mom's new "sex life". Wow. Why am I always the one who has to lie? Damn it.--
I couldn't even sleep at mom's house. God I was so tired. I just got home a few mintues ago. I watched King of The Hill. Very funny stuff there. lol.
You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault
We watched t.v and played 500 Rummy. It was fun but nothing like my bed and my computer. lol. She's getting better at treating me good. So that's great.
Your love is think and it swallowed me whole
You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for
That’s not lip service
I stayed up thinking last night and the night before. Thinking about how many times before I thought I was happy but it was all a damn lie. But now I am happy. Thank God!--
Listening to: Videos on the Myspace Profile-monkeygurl05 (that's me)
Feeling: dorky
I'll be at mom's today and tomorrow. I'll be back Friday. I really hope I have a good time. B/c I want to like going over there to see her. I really want to be okay with going over there. Oh Joy!--
Please be my happiness! Be my everything I need. Be the thing I can live for. You'll have my heart...
I cry and I don't know why.
I have to take medication to calm me.
I feel so sad even when I'm happy.
I feel a disconnection from me and the world.
I just want everything to be okay.
B/c I don't want to feel this way.
It kills me to feel so empty inside.
I hate it.
What's wrong with me?
Her things so nicely stacked she kept,
On the bed where she never slept,
She hadn't looked at it since he died,
It brought the memories to her and she cried,
For him only she begged God to take,
Everything that she had and things she would make,
A whole new life without him there,
She had no idea where,
Life would have taken them,
She could now only dream about him.
The girl I'm talking to came over for a bit. It was wonderful to spend time with her. I really think this might work out. I wanted soo much just to kiss her but I didn't know if I should. God I really wish I had tired to kiss her. Damn me and my shyness. I think there is something there. Between us. Hopefully this one will work out and we can have a serious relationship. That's all I want right now.--
I almost feel like crying. I deleted half of my postings on my forum. Damn it. God I feel like kicking myself. But I'm trying to make it better than it was before.... and very quickly!!! I'm so fuckin pissed off.
Oh poor me.
I really suck at taking cute pictures of myself. I just want one for my myspace profile. Damn it.
I wonder if I could make myself o'er. I need a big change. I want something different. Please make me o'er.--
I visited mom and Friday wasn't that great. I just got tired of hearing about shit I didn't care about and I was already ill anyway. God damn it. Well I got out of cleaning. We watched Son of the Mask, Meet the Fockers, Seed of Chucky, and Boogyman. That was fun. So I guess I did have a bit of fun. Saturday was better but Saturday night I felt so sick. I went to sleep at 9:00 instead of 2 or 3 like I usually do. I did feel better when I woke up Sunday morning. Thank god I'm home now.--
It's my forum. It's quite wonderful. I'm very proud of it. Yay. I actually have members. 8 members so far.
I'm going to my mom's today. I actually woke up early so I'd have time to do stuff before my day got ruined. I hope I can watch a movie I want to watch when I get over there. I doubt I'll get to watch it. Damn shit!--
Nothing really happened today. I felt sick and slept again today. For 3 hours. I'm going to mom's tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to for the whole w/e but oh well.--
God I slept from 6 til 11. I was so tired. And boredom had a lot to do with it too. Damn me and my boredom. I made a forum this time. I'm really really proud of it. It has boards about eating disorders, cutting, depression, social phobia, art, and movies and such. I'm going to add more I just did those boards just to get started with it. I'm still thinking about it. But I'm tired now. I'm cramping like a mo fo and it hurts so bad. Anyway.--
I want a rocker guy. Wouldn't that be cool? Someone that looks like the guys in My Chemical Romance. I would love that.
B/c rocker guys are so damn cute with their black hair, eye liner, lip rings, and hot voices. So damn hot...--
