Why doesn't anyone love me anymore? Why don't they try to include me in their lives? Why does it hurt this bad?

No matter where I go or how far I go I always end up back here. Right in this place of feeling pushed away and not wanted. I feel like I'm an item that at one point was cherished, but I've grown old and lost my charm. Now, I'm just thrown in a box labeled "JUNK" and people scrumage through, picking items, moving me from side to side. I'm the last remaining object. And although the box says FREE, no one wants me.

I'm hurting because I'm alone.
I'm alone because ____



Actually I don't know why I'm alone, it must be because people don't feel about me the same anymore.


Everyone is drifting from me



So I'm gonna distance myself, get ready kids.

Man. I am so unbelieveably happy right now. Like nothing can get me down at this moment.

It has been awhile since I have had this intense feeling rush over me & take complete control of all my emotions, I can't stop myself from smiling & I'd imangine that if I was to laugh right now... all that would come out would be childish giggling.

I just keep taking deep breaths & trying to soak all of this in. Like I think about what's going on in my life right now & everything is going great. It feels good to be alive.

Boy oh boy I know this all sounds corny, but who cares... envy me people.


I might cry tonight over this, I just might.

& here is where I poor out my soul.


My battered & bruised & betrayed soul.



It hurts so much to know youre not good enough & you can't help but feel like you will never be good enough for anyone. That is the feeling that I have reached at this moment. I find it so hard to take a deep breath & go over my great qualities that make me, me. All I can say is fuck that. If I am so great than why do I have to face so much pain & rejection, answer that oh great & mighty special soul of mine.


well I've downed enough night time medicine to kill these tears streaming down my face.

i hate my reflection.

it's just that..

I've been so happy lately. & I've been hanging out with alot of my friends & I just finally feel like I'm a teenager & I get to live a carefree life with out being so sad all the time. I do miss her though [you know you are] & although my life is changing I want her to be my constant. I'm just so happy. I never thought I'd say it, but I really do love my life.

You: no one could ever fill the space you occupy.


You: You could never be replaced.



Me: you are wrong..



I was right.




< / 3
[broken]




Slowly, but surely... You're letting me go.

LIFE is a series of choices.



& I doubt mine daily.


directions:

close eyes / picture a place / picture the people
/feel it / feel it / feel it.


I can feel it now. I can smile now. I'm in it now.


open your eyes. & it's all gone.



I close my eyes so I can picture everything I've ever wanted.



oh well, it's nice to dream.

Odd feelings.


I don't know if it's just the fact that I spend 3 days with people with out a moment of alone time & than I go straight to 4 days of utter loneliness, but I feel odd.


No one calls. No one invites me anywhere.



I always have to initiate plans. I feel like the hugest tag-a-long ever.



Why do you not include me in your life if it is during the week when I am not with you? Do you really think that it doesn't faze me?


OH how incredibly wrong you are.

Please, won't someone let
me feel like I mean
something to you.

Even that is too much to ask for these days




They don’t even notice my attempts to squeeze into there lives, they come off as if they could care less about what I feel.



Ah yes. In 4 more days I can start another year of my life. Let’s hope this one is filled with promise.

But. He. Refuses. To. Kiss. me.

he is touchy & intimate

he rolls over for sleep

& than I felt really uncomfortable

I know I'm being foolish.

drinking + sadness + confessions = fuckkk

Big Mistake.

Get to the point...

You are not going
to like this, but here goes.

But...

It's like you can be
really lonely & still be
capable of sharing that
with someone else..

or


You can be lonely
& share it truely
by yourself.

You disgust me.

Amazement, the way I feel with them in my life. I don't even know what I would do with out them.

I just can't help, but feel
euphoric for my gains. Undescribable
the amount of security felt
when around these two people.
Such eminent people.
They are so real.

thank you for being you.

My [heart] is placed at the end of the street with a 'FREE' sign taped oh so delicately across it. Everyone drives by, but no one will stop. It's not appealing enough.

I'm so sick. Sick of letting you use me. I'm so tired. Tired of letting you use me.

Noticing the repetition?

Why is it that I can give you my all with nothing expected, except for maybe a smile*, and yet you walk away without one glance, one Fucking glance towards me as you walk away accomplished?

__________________________________________

__________________________________________

I wish to be wanted

Isan't it obvious. Leading a temporary life of 'A sexuality'. Not liking boy or girl. Simply just not partaking in that part of a 'normal healthy' lifestyle.

It won't be easy

But, it will be worth it.


[♥]

Wish me luck, or whatever it is I will need to get through this.

A guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hung up on him, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. The boy who kisses your forhead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. The one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. The one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her"

When can I meet that boy to change my life for the better, to want from me what I can give him and the same in return?


When will such wishful thinking become such a reality?

I have an amazingbest friend, and words couldn't possibly give her justice. The only thing is that she lives a state away and although her time here has been lenghthed, it is still up in 2 weeks. Mentally I can depend on her for the rest of my life, but physically I can't and there is just so much you can ask for.

I do not have a boy to take up my time and to share these lovely rainy afternoons, that we have been having lately, with and I love them oh so much. A boy who gets me, but still accepts me for being simply me. It doesn't make me very sad that I don't have one when compared to how sad it makes me to think how hard a boy like this is to find.

Surprisingly, I have an incredible relationship with my mother that can't go far because of the mother - daughter restraints that cause you to keep certain things. Although she can be here for me physically, in no way can she be there mentally.

[Gosh.]

_____________________________

[♥]


Rib cages protect this heart from nothing


So I choose to run away from love.

I hate,


I love,


I hurt,




But in the end I also




HEAL





Ironic... How they are all four letters long.....





♥

When they don't call.
When you catch them in a lie.
When they are mean for no reason.

He's hot and cold.
I like him alot. I can't stop thinking about him. I start quoting lines that would make really good emo lyrics. Before falling asleep I pretend he's holding me. He is so sweet, so great, so perfect.

I hate him. I can't stop wondering why I even like him or why I talk to him. He probly doesn't even like me as a friend. He must think I'm fat.. yeah that's it im fat. I mean that always is the first assumption isan't it?

Guys are so difficult. If only there was scrolling text moving across their heads revealing everything they are thinking so you would know ahead of time whether or not you should bother.
Why don't we just come out and say what we feel right when it comes to us. I don't think I could ever do that though...


Well, with that said, Merry Christmas.

If life only gave you questions to which the answers were yes or no. If everything was black and white no grey areas. Do you think it would be easier? Or more difficult? Or just the same? im not sure either. I here so many people wish they were someone else or wish that they could change just one thing about them, I mean I know I do this all the time, but what is it that triggers in us that makes us not happy with what we have or who we are? Why must we randomly expect others to see what we see? Yeah, I'm sure it's very easy to just blame the whole t.v and magazine industrys, but there must be something deeper then that. At what age do we begin to hate ourselves? At what age do we loose all commen sense all imangination?

Yeah, you your so fucking gay and I know your reading this right now your a whore, a liar, a cheater, and most of all a pretender! You don't even know what your purpose in life is. You're disgusting and I hate you more then anyone else in this world. I wish I could kill you, I could get away with it too! If only you could die. I'd be so happy, I'd be so thrilled and I'd rejoce in your death. I hate you because you're me .

I'm not like the girl who hides behind who she is
I don't like to become absorbed with males
If I could I'd be alone for awhile
But I am like other girls
There isan't much that sets me apart
Each day is new, and one I must venture
Although getting out of bed gets harder
I have to keep going on
I do belive it will be all worth it at one point
Thats what keeps me going
The bumbs in my road are certainly not getting smaller
But its more motivating this way
Being alone latly isant so much alone
Its the being with others thats not right
If I can look in the mirror
With no guilt
Then my part is surly done.