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Again with the Updating |
August 18th, 2008 @ 2:41pm |
Gaaah.... I'm terrible at updating this now. I really woudl liek to but it feels redundant. "Oh no, we're out of money" "The girls are awesome but frustrating" "STill have no job but looking" ... I mean, yeah. Not alot has really changed.
I spent a week up in Kansas City, which was fun, but I didn't get to see everyone I'd hoped to. Though the girls got to spend A LOT of time with their littel cousin, which was really cool. It was adorable to see them all playing together. And Winter was incredibly helpful and well behaved the whole week. Of course now that we're home again, its back to fits of crying and stomping around... but it was nice for a while.
I miss my best friend even more now, and I really really really wish I could figure out how to get a good car.
I went to American idol auditions. Holy hell was that miserable. lol! I didn't exepct to make it past the first round, but it was still dissapointing. I mean, I got there at 3:30am, and didn't get done till almost 7pm. It was cold, boring, and I was thirsty and starving. Not sure I ever want to bother again, even if I were more prepared....
I sort of have this new job now where I work as a "guide" answering questions people call or text in, but right after I got on, they decided to change the payment system and I've been getting grumpy about it and not doing it as often as I should be.
I also started an application to become a surrogate, which was going really well untill I had a phoen interview. We had to talk about my childhood and my past and we got on the subject of Awful-evil-bad-relationship from 2002 and I got a little choked up (of course, I was all hormonal and emotional from that little bit of monthly evil, so that didn't help) and the woman I was talking to said we should stop teh interview there because the surrogate process is incredibly invasive and almost always done by men, and that wasn't something she was comfortable putting me through until I'd "dealt with" what happened to me. *sigh* SO yeah... that's a bit depressing. I mean, no I never saw a professional about it, and no, I don't particularly feel that comfortable talking to a complete stranger about that fact that my ex-boyfriend raped me when I was 16. But it really doesn't bother me like that anymore. I -have- talked to people about it. It certainly doesn't effect my day to day life. I just don't see what sort of difference talking to a counselor woudl make.
Blah... anyway. I was told to keep talking to the company, because they are interested, and once I "deal with" that baggage they would love to pursue this whole surrogacy thing with me.
So yeah... I've been in a bit of a funk these last few days. Nothing new.
The olympics have been neat this year. First time anyone's ever gotten 8 gold medals in one Olympic year, first time America's ever gotten gold AND silver in gymnastics, shit-tons of world records being made. Its been good to watch. Though... a strange thing occured to me whiel I've been watching.
We had friends over and we talked about the different sports and such, and I realized how often I would say "yeah, I used to do that sport when I was younger". I mean... I said it ALOT. How the hell did I have time for all that crap? I swam, I did track, I rode horses, I dove (breifly), I fenced... there were multiple events that I seriously considered training for to someday GO to the olympics. What the hell happened to me?...
....
Yep. Enough griping. I'm out. |
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"Everybody's Fool" |
August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm |
"Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame don't you see me
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself lost in your lie
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool"
~Evanescence |
| 99 hit(s) |
(4 comments) |
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Angry All The Time.... |
August 13th, 2008 @ 3:50pm |
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Violence. Anger. The soul of pain. Why do I surround myself in it? The time I would consider the "worst" time of my life was almost nothing but violence and anger. Yet, even now, when I feel the bite I do nothing but choke back any reaction, any outburst that would show the pain. Not as much... but still I do. I swallow my reaction. School my face to as little expression as I can. And return injury with love. Love and bitterness. Love I can't control. Love that renders me helpless against myself. Bitterness toward myself. Wait... now its gone. He smiled..
Why do I cry? Angry again. You're so angry all the time. Always so frustrated and angry. No laughter. No humor. Just anger. How can you truely love something when what you love makes you so mad? Thats who I am. I laugh. I joke around. I'm crazy. Its who I fucking am! Would you rather I be depressed and gloomy and dead all the time? No... I know you wouldn't. I'm just tired and hurting. You don't know, you don't see how every little hand gesture, every small look of disdain, every tiny sarcastic remark cuts into me. You don't understand how your actions can hurt me so. I don't see how... but I really think you are that blind. I know I caused you pain. I'm sorry my actions hurt you. I didn't mean to hurt you with my actions, I meant to hurt myself. When you weren't mine, when you started to favor someone else with yourself... I was hurt. So I did the same. I went to someone I knew would have me and tried to forget. Let him use me and lie to me again. Then, after you'd been mine for such a short while, when you found you couldn't bear to see her with anyone else... when we broke back down to "just dating", when you returned to her arms... I cried by your side as you slept. I realized that you could never be satisfied with only me. So I hardened myself... an old love of mine returned... you had someone else so I went to him as I have so many times before I even knew you... and he accepted me in for the first time. But he only wanted a good fuck. I knew that. I tried to bury the pain from you in teh pain from something else. All I was doing was trying to drown my emotions... justify the hurt I felt. I regret it. So what? I still did it. I strayed to another man's arms when I felt I had no real link or claim to you, and you had someone else. You had someone else. I would rather be betrayed a thousand times than sit by and watch the man I love in someone else's arms while I told myself it was alright, he still loves me, again. But I can't complain. I gave away my right to hurt when I lied back in December. When I was still lying to myself al the time. I hate fighting. I hate the anger. This stupid senseless anomosity is bullshit! I love you damnit. I understand that you still love her. I understand that multiple parts of you are being pulled back to her. I understand that you're under alot of stress and you're frightened and confused. I don't blame you. I'm not angry at you for any of that. I have no answers for you. If it were entirely my choice, I say "fuck all this bullshit" and we'd stay together how we were a few weeks ago, I'd get a job and help support and love your family. I'd still be yours you'd still be mine. You'd have a baby. It would have a daddy and two loving mommies. We'd all be okay. But its not entirely up to me. You would have to want and accept me as I am, a girl who loves you and can't bear to share you with another woman, and want me to be there for you and your child. She would have to want me to help support her and her child and accept that I'm going to be there. That is your two's decisions. What I want doesn't really matter right now. What you two are going to do, what is best for the child, THAT is what matters. I don't matter. Mommy matters. Daddy Matters. I'm just a girlfriend.
....*sigh* No... its not all pain and anger and nastiness. Its warm arms, soothing voices, restful cuddles. Its love. Its stressed stretched and abused love, yet love none the less. Why woudl I fight so hard for the life I just described above? I wouldn't. I fight for the life that makes me want life. The life that makes me feel like someone. The life I believe can go somewhere. The life I want to live. I'm sorry, my love. I truely am sorry. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I want to smile at you and help you smile. Not yell. Can we please try and stop? Both of us? Before we get so angry or hurt or offended or whatever, can we stop and take a breath and let it go or try to figure out the intent behind what triggered us? We get so angry for simple misunderstandings. Or even just try to understand that the other one of us is scared and stressed and on edge. We explode before we even try. And we can even both cut back on snideness and sarcasm. Or realize it can be all in good fun. I love you. This is stupid. I want my lover back. Lets support eachother, not attack. |
| 104 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
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Stupid |
June 11th, 2008 @ 12:00pm |
Sometimes I just wantto pack up and leave. I'm not particularly mad or upset at anything, just so you know. I just... guh. I get so TRAPPED and FRUSTRATED. I hate feeling like I can't ever leave the house. I know I -can-, but really... I don't know where to go. I could, I suppose, walk around the neighborhood... but I don't really want to corrall the girls outside by myself, and I also get really uncomfortable. I always feel like an intruder when people see me. Like they're judging me, wanting to know what I'm doing there. I know its rediculous... probabaly just my anxiety, but still...
I hate spring. I hate getting restless. And I really really hate feeling like if I just started from scratch, I coudl be doing so much better than I am now. Liek when I unpacked my room. Everything is organized and put away (at least what -can- be put away) and I've kept it that way for a whiel now. Which proves, somehow, that I can do it. Which for some dumb reason makes it worse. I just organized the girls' toys into stuffed animals, hard toys, toys we're getting rid of, toys that are missing bits, and ??? toys. And again, I feel grumpy that when I'm left alone to a task it gets done.
I -AM- capable.
But not when I have to deal with... *sigh* Like I really need to prove to myself that I need "Does Not Work Well With Others" tattooed on my forehead. Yeah. That helps my feeling of self-worth. Yippee. Like I need these awful thoughts parading through my idiot skull.
*sigh* Anyway... we finallyhave dentist appointmets for the girls. (Thank GOD) I just hope that Rowan doesn't lose any tooth chunks before then. They were suppose dto be the 4th, but that woudln't work, so I made them the 12th. But Goat couldn't change his schedule, so he moved them forward AGAIN. I dont even know when they are now. The 20-something-th. This month. I just pray they actually DO SOMETHING. I'm so scared that they'll just look at them, go "Well, their teeth are rotten out of their skulls", charge us a gazillion dollars and be done. I'm even more scare that they won't be ABLE to do anything because Rowan is so young and f*^%&* REFUSES to open her damn mouth (which is why her teeth are so bad already). Winter already broke off that last bit of remaining front tooth she had earlier this week. I feel like an awful mother, but for teh life of me, I have no idea what to do.
Never have any more kids EVER, comes to mind. Appearantly my kids' teeth are doomed to be made of chalk. Not, I suppose, that I want any more kids.... I love Winter and Rowan to death,they make me happy. I don't really feel the need to have more. Its... nice/weird.
And now I'm just depressed and twitchy and guilty and grumpy. Yay! Aren't I always so POSITIVE?!
Stupid car.
Stupid timing.
Stupid money.
Stupid house.
Stupid anxiety.
Stupid doubts.
Stupid heart.
Stupid head.
Stupid stupid stupid. |
| 16 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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Aww.... |
February 6th, 2008 @ 12:00pm |
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This was too cute to not show off. =) |
| 42 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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Downhill Again |
December 19th, 2007 @ 12:00pm |
So its been almost two weeks and i still haven't heard from my doctor. I guess its for the best because I no longer have insurance. *sigh* I'm still having headaches though.
I need to get a job, and/or Goat needs a new one because we aren't bringing in enough money to pay the bills. It uber sucks because Christmas is a week away, and we have no presents for anyone, including the girls. *sigh* I need to get into MBS to take that stupid skills test but I'm having to battle with schedules and severe anxiety (gee thanx, just what I need right now). Another suck is that we can't afford to go up to Kansas City this year, so I was hoping to get my family to come down here for Christmas, but my mom's flight leaves stupid early on the 25th, so there's basicly no way she's get to the airport in time. Also, the weather is supposed to get SUPER nasty on Friday and Saturday, so i'm not sure I want them driving down here then anyway.
I'm not looking for sympathy or even comments, I just needed to get this off my chest and I don't think it woudl be very nice to just dump on teh next person I talk to. Not that I talk to anyone...
Anyway... if Goat can get a betterpaying job and/or I can get oen that pays well enough, and still have reasonable hours I'll start doing alot better. I'm kind of angry and bitter about some things, and I'm not sure if its unfair or not... I don't think it is, but... *shrug* I think I'm beginning to just upset myself though, so I'm gonna stop. |
| 27 hit(s) |
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Waiting |
December 6th, 2007 @ 12:00pm |
I went to the hostpital yesterday (don't panic, that just happens to be where the eye clinic is at), and was there for around 4 hours. They dialted my eyes, poked me, shone lights in my eyes, made me read charts and weird pictures made of dots... I talked to around 5 different people and did some tests, and after all that... they're sending me back to my doctor. They appearantly found nothing wrong with my eyes. *sigh*
I did overhear a few of the doctors talking in the hallway, and one of them mentioned something about "pituitary", but the other doctor, the one who told me its probably just headaches (f-you! I only started getting headaches AFTER my vision was blurry!) basicly shot him down. I looked it up on my own, and appearantly a pituitary tumor could cause all of my symptoms. That one doc wanted me to get screened for it (He repeatedly mentioned a CT scan), but the others seemed grumpy about it. As it stands, my doctor said if they found nothing to explain my symptoms he was going to try to find a neurologist to see me, and get me an MRI.
This is all kind of scary stuff... but I'm trying not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions. So I guess right now I'll just wait to hear from Dr. Koopman. *sigh* I hate not knowing what to do. |
| 58 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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Head |
December 5th, 2007 @ 12:00pm |
Ophthalmologist. That -is- a really tough word to spell. =\ I've never been so torn about getting a diagnosis before. Obviously I don't WANT there to be anything wrong with my eyes. I've always had incredibly good vision, and I've been rather happy that way. When I got pregnant with Rowan, I stopped being able to read things at a distance. I chalked it up to the pregnancy (it can change the shape of your eyes temporarily, hormones and water retention etc), and after she was born I had somewhat gotten used to it, plus I was nursing, so I gnored it. These last few months though, it's gotten progressively worse. Things closer and closer were fuzzy now and then. Then more often... then I started getting headaches, and sometimes I'd get dizzy... Now, for about a week I haven't been able to read road signs until I was right by them, I can't read digital clocks or anything written in lights, and through out the day things will sometimes... bleed their color into halos around them. The headaches and dizziness have gotten worse too. Its no fun...
Anyway, about a month ago an optometrist said I was seeing 20/20 as far ad he could tell, and I saw a doctor a week ago, and got bloodwork done. No anemia, no thyroid problem, white count is fine, no signs of kidney or liver issues. So I'm going to an ophthalmologist tomorrow to take a more extensive look at my eyes, and if there's nothing to explain my symptoms I'll need to see a neurologist and get an MRI.
I'm a little scared... I don't like not being able to see clearly. And no one likes headaches. |
| 26 hit(s) |
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SSDD |
November 5th, 2007 @ 12:00pm |
It's hard to believe my youngest daughter is almost a year old. Even harder still when I realize that my oldest is going to be 3 in a couple months... I've been a mom for almost 3 freakin years! What the hell?! It makes no sense to me.... I don't feel momish. I mean, when you think "mom", I am not exactly what comes to mind. I dye my hair crazy colors, I go to LARPs, I make obnoxious comments, I love dressing in corsets and fishnet, I curse.... It blows my mind.
I'm a mess. I'm not sure if you'd know it by looking at me or talking to me. You can never really tell how thick your mask is to other people. You have a biased view. I would guess that its hard to tell though unless you see alot of me. And no one does. Just the girls and Goat. He notices now and then, but I don't think even he really knows how unhappy I am. I guess it doesn't really matter. I can't really change anything, and I have responsibilities, so... *shrug* I don't know... I guess its just that I don't want -this- to be what the rest of my life is. And I don't want my children growing up with a mom who's this unhappy. I mean, what kind of example does that set for them? A shitty one. How can you help another person to learn to be happy when you aren't yourself? And more than anything, I want them to be happy.
I'm rambling. And it isn't like I'm saying anything I haven't said before. I'm gonna look for a job now. |
| 28 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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Trying Again |
October 22nd, 2007 @ 12:00pm |
Yeah... I never really have anything I want to write anymore. Rowan is starting to connect sounds with objects and meanings. She says ball, and bye bye (while waving, which is adorable). She's walking like a pro. All in all, she's great. Winter has started making up stories, and pretending all the time, which is kind of cool. She's not so good at listening yet though, which is a pain. She's really smart, and tries to be super helpful with Rowan. She still loves her little sister alot, and that's awesome. They love to play together, especially in the bath.
Goat went back to college today. Just part time, but it'll still take some adjusting to. It mean he's going to be around even less, which, let me tell you, is just -thrilling-. (note the dripping sarcasm)
I need a haircut. My hair is still super short, but it's gotten shaggy, and its driving me nuts. I also need to color it. Its... funky... right now. Sadly, Punky seems to have been discontinued, so I'll need to find a new brand of dye to love. *le-sigh*
As for me, I don't really have much to report. My life has been basicly the same drag for the past year or more. There have been major life events, but not for me specificly, just those close to me. And I really don't want to talk about it right now. I'm not sure I ever will, but it'll come up, I know.
Anyway.... yeah. I'd like to try to get into the habit of writing again. I've been feeling incredibly secluded, even from myself, and I'm hoping that if I start writing again that will change. Hoping. |
| 32 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
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| Entry List |
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Not a Good Start to a Day
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Again with the Updating
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Angry All The Time....
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"Everybody's Fool"
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Stupid
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A Possible Light
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Hell
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Aww....
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Downhill Again
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Waiting
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Head
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SSDD
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Trying Again
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Pariah
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Insensitivity
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Bad Week
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Updates and Raines Plug
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A Contemplation on Pajamas,...
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Up late again, may as well...
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I Heard My Words...
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OMFG!!
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An Old Test, Retaken
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Let The Rain Come Down
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Social Interaction
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Bi-Polar Baby
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Ch-ch-ch-Changes!
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A Change In Setting
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Rowan
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Sidebar
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ATTENTION!
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Halloween
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Seriously?...
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Stoof.
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Blog Suck
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Not the Answer
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Mundane
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Time Goes By...
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More of Life
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Now
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Stuff
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Interesting News...
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Get On With It.
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Well, FUCK Me!
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Bitch Bitch Bitch...
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DO IT! AGAIN!
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DO IT!
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My Situation
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From Bad to Worse
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*whine*
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Thanksgiving
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Because of You
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So This Is It...
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AAAAAAARGH!
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We're Going To Die
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Need to Rant
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Still Alive
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Quizzy!
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Poem
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Kinky
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Hi! LTNS
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GAAAAAAAAAH!
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Might As Well
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Down Again...
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Only Time
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...
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I'm Scared....
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Well, I'm F*cked.
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KITTY!
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In Loving Memory
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Bleh...
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Life and Loneliness...
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"I Can't Make You Love Me"
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Hm. Weird.
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This Is What's Happening as...
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Emotions Are Dumb
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Blah-bitty-blah!
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EEK! THE PHONE!
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On The Rocks
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Is Anyone Really That...
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Run Away With Me
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Bitchy Classy Wanna-be Hippie?
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Too Descriptive and Personal...
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Within or Without
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Help... Anyone...
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Sunset
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Feeling Pretty
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Goodbye
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Pure Triangles
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...
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An Offer He.... Can't Refuse?
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Blah blah blah
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Umm... Is this Bad?
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Getting My Hopes Up
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It's All Over
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Dracula
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"It" Has Broken My Heart
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Bend And Not Break
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PS
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Grumble
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Oh yeah...
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A New Beginning
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A Backround Feeling...
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WEDDING!
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Good thoughts!!
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........ =(
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Humming Meadow
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More Quiz Things
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Bwa-HA!
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Point A
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Till Death Do Us Part
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Hee hee hee!!
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Criminal
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Betrayal
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I'm Not Exactly Awake...
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Huh. Odd.
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...
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Someday...
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F*cked up...
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Cruel To Be Kind
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The IMPORTANT Stuff
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"When You Can't Have What You...
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A Private Rant
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Spirituality
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Big Mouth
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Mad World
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Hello
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Missing You
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Mrgph!
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Molten @ss
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Hrmmm
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Love Babbles
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WANTED: Distraction!
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Quick Blargh.
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ERRRGH!
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Letting Her Out
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HAPPY B-DAY GOAT!
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Honesty
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*....sigh*
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Bitter
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Damnit! WHY!?
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Done
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Rag Doll
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Reverting
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Perfect Baby
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Sadness
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Finally Have Some More Time...
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Home At Last!
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Lots of Love
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Birth Story
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Doc Apt Owwies
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Sometimes...
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ARRRRRRRRRGH.
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Ho Hum....
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Happy Freakin V-Day...
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Seriously... Happy V-Day
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Last Night
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Yesterday Was Good
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!
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EEK!
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Easier
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Okay, I'll explain....
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Almost Nothing
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Almost Happy
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Sweet Advice
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Odd Feelings
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Crazy VS Sensible
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Yup...
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Talking
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blank
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Placid
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ugh
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Are We Done Yet..?
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Is This Right?
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More Quizzies
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Invisible Me...
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Nothing Interesting
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Good Night/Bad Night
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Good Morning Sunshine
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Bad Habit
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Still An Idiot
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Good Day
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Back Date
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Thinking Again....
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Where Dreaming Went
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Well.. I'm an Idiot.
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PICTURE!
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2005
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Sitting Around...
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Merry Christmas!
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CBE
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12 Weeks
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Hm.
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Ultrasound II
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BABY!!!
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Goat
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Waking Dreams
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Seed of a Lie
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Quick Update
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Same Old Sh*t
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Totally Fine...
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Pregnancy Sux!
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Bleeeh....
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Only One
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Doctor, doctor...
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F-You, Whoever's In Charge....
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I'M IN!!!!
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I Suppose....
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Story
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This Question Thingy
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Good News, Odd News
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Cuteness!
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I Hate Dreaming.
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Nothing to do...
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Am I Car BANE or Something?!
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Meetings
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Hulooooo?
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Gee... Thanx
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The Fires Within
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Ren Fest is Cursed
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OH MY GOSH!
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Us
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"A lack of New Beginnings"......
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Leviathon
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GROW DAMN YOU!
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Submissive...
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Hrmm...
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Owwie... ow... ow... OW!
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WHEEEE!!! :D
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Errrgh...
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Hee hee... : )
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Life: It's Coming Around...
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This Dance...
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Quizzies!
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I Live on Grey Streets....
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I'm sorry...
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Now Is Mine...
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The Strong Hint of New Tears
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Withering
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Breaking Down
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Damnit....
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F-You God!
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Its Not Fair!
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Babies, Plants, and Pirates
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Memories of a Ghost and...
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Going Home...
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The Coming Hours...
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Old Friends...
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Survey
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Family...?
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Whoopi.
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Tis The Season...
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Oh, The Glories of the Flu
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Just Visiting
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Updates and Other crap
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Need More Time!
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Life Sux
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...Damn holidays....
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It's Been A While...
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Owwy...
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Broken....
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What's In A Name?
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Reminiscing...
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Isch....
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*Sigh*
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"Field Of Innocence"
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For Love Of
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Blah
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Wow.. Lickage
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Blargh
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On Second Though
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Iris
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Enjoy The Silence
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Not Again...
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Cycle....
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Strange...
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I'm Still Breathing!
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"Be Happy"
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Just A Rant...
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Strange
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Scared....
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Happy
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Holy Crap....
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To A Darker Feathered Friend
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To Myself and Then My Angels
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ARGH!
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Just to write...
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Unseen Wars
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Inside Out
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Do be do be doooo!
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Sleepy thoughts....
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Words
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Swing
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Home Sweet Bullsh*t
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Out Here
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Power and Will
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Pushing...
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Cruel
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Waking Up Alone
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Mornings in Hell
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Crying
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Bells and Rings
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What a morning!
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Time
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Enough Already!
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Forget July 15 damnit....
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Dark
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Kasper
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Hurt
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Just an update.
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Whatever
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Oh no, not ANOTHER entry!!
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Damn thoughts...
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I want to believe...
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Thoughts
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Valentine Morning
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