| Everything will work out |
June 23, 2008 |
I'm so pathetic. I'm also quite sick. I spent last night shivering until I fell asleep(I think I had a fever but I don't have a thermometer so I don't know). I woke up and went to the bathroom to pee and nearly fainted. I'll admit that was kind of funny though because mid-way through peeing I started to feel less and less conscious and knowing I was about to faint I rushed my peeing so I could sit down half naked on the bathroom floor. I ate some toast and drank some liquid and it helped. Now I am just trying to take it easy.
I am going to marry Caity Jones. Every time I think about it I become super happy and calm and just wonderful. I know it wont be easy but there is no arguing with this kind of peace. I keep thinking about how I am going to tell my parents and trying to find ways to show just how sure I am that this is what I am supposed to do.
I also thought about writing Joel and I sound like a heretic anytime I say exactly why I feel I should marry her. I wish I could communicate this kind of joy and peace to them but if it truly is God's will for me, I know things will work out.
I'm also super super worried about talking to Caity's dad. I know we are taking things slower but that still has to happen and it stills scares me spitless. I know things will work out, and so I don't worry. I do want everything to be perfect though. This is the girl of my dreams we are talking about.
I have so many dreams and so many good feelings and so much joy. I don't know that I have ever felt this good for more than a few minutes. And even though I am sick today, and I told her not to come over so she doesn't catch it, I still feel wonderful. I want this feeling to last forever. And if I have to do a couple of really scary things and make a few people unhappy, I guess I can do that.
I hope me selling paintings works out. Because it'll be nice to to have to worry about those. I know God gave me that talent for a reason, I just hope that I can use it to support my family and my dreams. (I'm all responsible and stuff :p)
I guess all I am really trying to say is that I feel really good and really close to my god. I also am worried about making all my dreams become realities. But if I am truly doing the things my God wants me to do (which I feel I am) than everything will work out.
Everything will work out. |
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June 19, 2008 |
I really want to say something that lashes out, that forces the unwary reader to listen. I want you all to hear me, but in a world with so much noise, silence makes a far better statement than anything I can verbalize.
Every time I think I have my life figured out, the dream and hope inside my plans get smashed. I don't have anything to say anymore, except that by now I have nothing left to expect but that if I expect anything it will fall through.
Thanks. |
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| Decision only leads to doubt again. |
May 28, 2008 |
I think this is the long and short of it. At least as I see it right now.
I think God wants me to be happy, but he also wants me to serve a mission. Right now the two don't exactly go hand in hand.
I really don't want to disappoint God ever, but I want to be happy, and that is so much easier if I skip the mission step. Maybe if I go I will learn to be happy, maybe everything will work out and I wont have to regret anything. But if I can't choose to be happy now, how am I supposed to be happy later.
I want to marry Caity (yes, I really do), She can be my one and only ever. But I believe fate is simply looking at things in hindsight and we choose the fate we live. It is our choice, and good friends before life doesn't clear all doubt about what to do now. Especially not these days.
We can't even make it one full day on a decision before we start to doubt.
Right now the mission looks like the easy way.
Today I don't have perfect love.
Because watching love walk back out to the car hurts like hell.
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Edit:
I'm nearly willing to deliberately defy God's will, So I can be happy for once.
It's Six O'clock, and by the time I have eaten and gotten home, I might hate you.
But I can't live without that hate.
I don't want to give away this want,
this is the kind of want that will be cherished all my life. |
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| Masochism, hear me say nothing. |
May 23, 2008 |
I dreamed I was awake,
and slept through the mediocrity.
The mundane slipped from my fingers
and habit became cacophony.
I broke every bone in my body,
and woke to find myself whole.
I reveled in my self laceration,
then wrote of my eternal soul.
At auction it went for a sum,
five dollars, six, wait ten!
A low price for a little pleasure,
a short dream, relaxed, now and then.
I am a masochist,
a puppeteer of pain.
I wear a short leash,
then all I do is complain.
I sell my soul for a penny,
I sold my heart for a dime.
And now the only place I belong,
is in short angry heartless rhyme. |
| (1 comments) | Dare me to |
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| Something changed |
May 19, 2008 |
So I bought a queen size bed, moved out, and became even more lazy and useless than I had been at home. Except that no one tells me that I am wasting my life except for me. I have to pay rent at some point and while I have the money I really need to find a job so I can stop feeling like I am having money slowly sucked out of my hands while I live the life all the working people dream about.
Somehow I just don't feel right. Part of it is Caity. I am ready to make a decision, until she gets tired or hungry or sick. Until her friends steal her and she becomes shallow. I am ready, until she starts talking about pretty new boys with perfect teeth and even when she says I am better no amount of reassurance can bring back the resolve I lose each time she makes me think that laundry could possibly be a bigger priority.
I spent so long preparing myself for hard days alone and never thought I would have so many hard days with someone. Today was pretty lousy to begin with, I woke up because she said she would be at sacrament meeting and I knew I should be there. She left after a few minutes to go to lunch. So I sat and listened to the speakers and felt the spirit alone. It really wasn't a bad meeting.
After church I went to my parent's home for some reason I don't know and played a little piano. I made something new today. I may have stolen it but it made me hopeful, and I thought of my future children, and peace and warmth and goodness. Thats what happens in the key of C. I stole some toilet paper, a swig of apple juice, and two candy bars, and came home to free myself of the tie.
I laid in bed for a long time and thought. I even created a parable. The simple version goes something like; a father offers his child a gift, providing the child can first meet a single condition of the fathers choosing. The little child, knowing a gift is involved agrees and the father gives his restless, young one several apple seeds, saying, "Make these grow into an apple tree, and you may have your gift." The idea being that it doesn't matter how I get to the apple tree, the point is my father wants me to make his seeds grow, and though that is gift enough, he will grant me my eternal gift if I should succeed.
I nearly fell asleep until I chomped down a pop tart and then I decided to take a walk up onto campus. The air was warm and clear and the trees were all in bloom with the littlest blossoms a dark, fuschia, pink, and the full blooms a pure white. They smelled heavenly and made me smile as I walked and listened to random music.
In the Fine Art building I found a piano where I messed around with the song I had been playing earlier and enjoyed the deep crispness of the unfamiliar piano. It seemed to respond with a richer clarity and greater stroke than the old piano I am used to.
I walked down the music department hallway and smiled as I listened to my IPod. It was strangely poetic to walk down these deserted white hallways with anesthetic lighting and bulletin boards with things like "Found: headphones, if they are yours they are in FA 102." I'm not sure why.
I made my way out past the quad and back home where I talked to andy, and then tried to occupy my time in my room for a while. I started to think about food when Caity asked if I wanted pancakes. I wanted pancakes, and I was bored senseless.
We ate and then went down stairs to talk because I had a lot to say. But conversation died down and we decided to take a walk. up dry canyon.
Dry Canyon caught Caity's breath in her throat and I didn't think to bring water. I felt guilty and worried, but I still don't know why. She said she was fine. We sat on a rock and watched a gorgeous sunset until it started to fade into a consistent orange glow and then headed back to the van. She nibbled on my ear and neck playfully but wouldn't allow me the same pleasure.
We went past the temple and stopped to wander around its fence. I wanted to imagine going in but spent much more time battling inner demons and feeling only calm and not peace.
Then we went back to her place for Oreos and peanut butter while we watched episodes of friends. I don't know how she will ever survive, whether her dad stops buying treats or not. She finally decided that I should go home and we went up to let me out.
She quickly changed a load of laundry while I grabbed my shoes and then she lead me to the door. We used to spend hours at the doorway, but tonight we beat five minutes. I wonder if that's part of what bothers me.
Maybe its something about the only times I feel she is in control are the times she is telling me goodbye. I used to think she had such a handle on her life, she had such simple serene grace. Now I wonder if anyone has a handle on life.
The other question I have with life is this: Does God want me to think about enjoying my own life, or simply serve others and allow what joy comes to be my present reward? Either way, I will do it, I just want to know what God thinks. |
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April 30, 2008 |
I gave in today.
I yielded to gray and let it suck me under and drown my thoughts in soft smoke.
It was exhilarating,
as every inch of my body pounded with the beat of my heart.
Your lips have a leaden, rich, soft, lust,
Soft and smooth and
luxuriously, gloriously sweet.
Just like every other inch of you.
I hate that you don't like spoons with fingerprints, and compulsively clean, that you forget to reach out sometimes, because you have to change the world.
But I love that I hate it.
And now I don't know anything, as though simply loving you makes me forget everything I ever knew.
I gave in today, and now I worry that I might lose you.
Its a foolish worry, but I've never given in completely before.
And I've never given in at all and not regretted it.
You forget to reach out sometimes, because you have to change the world.
But the world changes, just because your here.
You are sunshine, and starlight. You are my angel.
Every time you walk into my world, I feel I can breath for the first time.
I gave in today, I don't know what that means.
But I just don't want to lose you,
ever.
The world changes just because your here,
And I feel I can breath,
finally. |
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| Four Flowers |
April 24, 2008 |
This comes from my dreams.
Please tell me what you think it means.
I have embellished the story slightly and I hope it doesn't taint the meaning.
Four Flowers
Somewhere across the green expanses of Asia, long ago, stood a princess, waiting. She stood poised on a rock set firmly in the side of a grassy hill. In front of her lay all of Asia, lush and green and awakening with promise and potential. But she did not stray from her perch on the rock laying on the side of the grassy hill. She waited there every day for her arranged fiance, a knight.
It was this knight who would take her into this sweet, rich, world and love her, he need only come and claim her. And it was for this hope that she spent her every day waiting on the rock.
As in all good stories, the knight eventually came to meet his future wife. He first noticed the mask she wore, a porcelain plate with painted cheeks and beautiful glassy lips, spread just far enough to make out her real mouth beneath them. She was also wearing an exceptionally fine dress with gold filigree stitched throughout accented by jade beading and long flowing silk sleeves and a skirt that danced and sparkled in the sunlight.
The knight stepped confidently from his horse and bowed in greeting. Crossing the distance from his horse to her rock with no more than the acknowledgment for
conversation. He stared less than politely at her masked face and brilliantly adorned figure and smiled to himself.
the princess smiled weekly in greeting, her hair dancing in the wind, and the knight then noticed something strange, her teeth seemed to be onyx or some near thing for they were dark rather than the brilliant white he had so expected to see. And the knight pressed closer, preparing to lift the mask and kiss her, claiming his bride and riding off into the sunset. But as he lifted the mask his face turned to rage and disgust. This was no beautiful princess as he had been promised but a
"foul looking beast."
His last thoughts escaped as a hiss from clenched teeth.
"an ox, an adder, anything but this whore!"
He spat, shoving the mask roughly onto her spittle covered face and knocking her from her perch on the rock as he turned swiftly and in one sweep crossed the distance back to his horse. As he looked back he saw the princess, tears streaming from behind the mask. She gazed up, a look of pleading in her eyes, and she exclaimed "four flowers," meaning "the world understands, but I do not understand." Without reply the prince road off down the grassy hill and out of sight missing the true beauty of the woman laying
shamed and battered on a weathered rock, on the side of a grassy hill. |
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April 18, 2008 |
I hate saying good bye. Even for an hour. |
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| Only I... |
April 16, 2008 |
I'm still trying to change my perspective. I got kicked out a little bit last night, and I tried to brush it off but the ride home made me really mad. And I felt like an idiot for having invested so much in something (something always means more these days). I came home and took a bunch of vitamins (my mom is sick and my joints are sore) and went up stairs to sort myself out. I read a good 15 chapters in remembering wholeness and then I started a list of 1,000 things I am grateful for. I made it to 101 which as it turns out was "Always." I felt better, but not good. And the only thing I learned was to do things because I wanted to, rather than out of responsibility. I feel drained, like I am spending too much time working on being who I am instead of just being that person.
I didn't get out of bed today until 12:30. I wouldn't have minded getting out of bed earlier but my mom left at 12:30 and I really didn't need any more sleep.
I am happy. I am attracting joy, peace, and money. I choose my future and I choose to be happy for Always. |
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| contrast |
April 15, 2008 |
I'm having a hard time sorting myself out. Waking up these days seams nearly impossible. I do it every morning, but there is some untimely dread in each morning.
I want so badly for everything to work out, and as of yesterday afternoon, I am attracting calm, happy, joyful, goodness. I am also going to get more done every day. I think I might move out as well. I need to find a decent apartment though, and a part time job.
In full honesty, this is what I am working to solve.
I'm not as good a person as I need to be.
I don't carry with me the spirit I need to.
I'm not as happy as I should be.
I can't accept good things the way I should.
I'm not very decisive as far as activities.
I'm not living up to my godly potential.
The last thing on that list is the most important. I have started slacking off and I need to regain my standard of truth and justice. I am truly one of "the great ones" and I need to live up to that expectation every minute. Also, just in case you were wondering, this is motivational, not depressing. |
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