beta...

.... there's nobody here

and I am ok with that,

cause how dreary it could be,

public, like a frog,

to cricket the live long day,

to an admiring blog...

118 hit(s) (1 comments) | are you sure?  
testing...
Listening to: Peter Wingfield - 18 with a Bullet
Feeling: surreal

... 1, 2, 3... is there anybody out there.... 

46 hit(s) (1 comments) | are you sure?  
Holy Sh!t!
Listening to: crystals castles
Feeling: amazed

i thought this sit was down. just for the heck of it i googled it and poof its there. i even somehow remembered my password. its been years

2244 hit(s) (3 comments) | are you sure?  
A long time ago...
Listening to: There aint nothing like being at a turbulent sea

...I’ve seem to have lost myself

many years ago

Often I ask myself

where did the time go?

As I stare into the mirror

I can’t help to not know who that I see?

I fight the quivers as I shiver looking at me...

It’s me, it’s me, its me...

or so it seems,

through all those awkward stares,

all those broken up, stumbled words/sentences.

Fucken moments!

It was me.

I was...

Walk up, wake up, just wake up.

Your not dead yet.

you are not!

Not dead yet!

Go

Just go!

But...

Is it all but a dream within a dream?

I cant make sense of it but it seems to go.

I need control!

I need to wake up.

Its my fcuken life apparently.

What do I want to do?

What the fcuk do I believe in?

I hate it when I let persons down.

I can’t stand it when I create things I don’t follow through on.

I don’t know why I thought just maintaining was good enough?!?!?!?

I lost myself a long time ago but it is not a dream and I do need to walk up...

..its not a joke...

 

 

 

2875 hit(s) (1 comments) | are you sure?  
Long live Conan!!!

Its funny how im not even jerckin off

Or to build some new thing

Im not goin to try to leave sum artisy fartisy wannabe abstract entry

I just want to say,

Say that I know something bout this mofo

Or I like to think

 

It was around middle school when the insomnia started to take

I didn’t mind, I had better things to do

I like to think it was good enough for me

 

It was like this

Round xmas time

Tom hanks was on and some light blew

He said it was santa

Conan said santa was shooting at us

And that was it

I was hookd

Fuck the other guy that use to host the daily show

Conan was the man

And I followed

 

It got sick

I use to have his show on a timer

Lined up with bill mahar

He and his people boild it down to an art

8min for this, 10min for that, a guest, a skit

Guest, then the band

Sometimes it was off the hook

Other times it was nothing more than someone working

I regret never seein a show in ny

I made a pact with a jackcrack friend to do so

This was when we heard he was takin the tonight show

FUCK LENO, ITS BILL HICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I cant see him he even though he was just here!

 

I had a routine

It was getting home

Doin what of my homework I whatd to do

Then getting stone and watching these shows

I cant stress enough how this shaped my early ‘mornings’

I had it all figured out

 

Shit watchin as conan walks away from his earned show made me think

It be fcuk up if he goes to hbo

It aint 911 anymore

I just hope to see him goin beyond a dead tradition

For me

It will always be the late nite

 

Rest in peace the tonight show

Conan drifts along

 

Fuck jay leno

BILL HICKS was a better comedian

N Conan Lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

949 hit(s) (0 comments) | are you sure?  
Scared shitless…

…and looking at a sea ahead…

i think i can, i think i can…

I once had a conversation with a friend; it was about reincarnation. My friend said that if he could come back he would like to be a cow. Reasoning that dairy cows live a life of comfort he goes on to paint a picture of green pastures and blue sunny days. Right off the bat I mention that the majority of cows don’t live a life like he described. I told him most cows live a life of industrial foods and pills, all with their own special time card clocked with a scientific effectiveness. Basic Industry facts. My friend does not eat pork. Then I told him he should try to be more precise. I brought up India; why not come back and be worshipped as a god? He laughed and I asked why he didn’t think of the most common born again creature: A bird. At most with being a bird one could go and do as one wants with the whole sky to call home; at least you would have wings. Going back and forth for some time he finally asked what I would like to come back as after I die. I answered it would be as a whale. I go on to explain that to be able to endure the darkest depths of the sea, and to make it back to the surface as one pleases, that is an existence. It doesn’t matter about the strength of the winds above. It is not about where the currents are going, not where the sun or moon is. All that matters is to do what you gotta do, do it good, and live. Another chapter…

No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;

Am an attendant lord, one that will do

To swell a progress, start a scene or two,

Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,

Deferential, glad to be of use,

Politic, cautious, and meticulous;

Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;

At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—

Almost, at times, the Fool

here goes nothing!

865 hit(s) (1 comments) | are you sure?  
i once heard a story...

...bout a duck in a bottle. It begins with a man that had a lot on his shoulders. The weight was getting more then he could carry. After trying to fix and help everyone and thing else he didn’t really know what to do with himself. He got lost to it all. Then one day he heard a story about this old man that had the answers. This supposed wise man was very far away and was very hard to get to, but he did have all the answers. So upon hearing of this old man he set up to seek him out. Through many valleys and over many mountains he was able to find him. Of all the things he could of ask, he ask “How can I make it a better world.”

After a long stare the wise man answered “I am going to give you a duck in a bottle, if you can get this duck out alive, without breaking the bottle, I will tell you how to make it better.”

So with this he goes home with this duck and bottle and tries to figure it out. Doing this and doing that he tries whatever he could to get it done. Nothing seems to work. He goes back to the old wise man and was asked, “did you figure it out?”

Handing it over he said “not my duck, not my bottle,” and he walked away.

Get what you want from it. I first heard this story many years ago. Rest in peace old timer. Refine it all I guess, time molds, but it is here from now. I don’t know but I like to think I do and I think it is mediocrity.

Damn that mediocrity!

1052 hit(s) (4 comments) | are you sure?  
thats...

...all folks

thats the end

my fingers bleed enough

my back hurts

and my knees are done

shit

bones stickin out of my chest

but that just sounds better then my shoulder

my eye was filld with blood

and now maybe

the older i grow

i will know

or not

or just a glimpse

and its good to pretend

hey sunshine

what

yea u heard me

sunshine

u are my sunshine...

ok, ok,

u can call me the moon

what?

my best moments are when we eclipse

shit i have been so

pullin out my hair

really

im so glad to have such so much beautiful hair to spare

but have done my time

i like to think

some where else

there be wearin it

better then me

my split ends

my everyday to everyday

the works, the jobs

its like this one person was tellin me

he was like

boy, theres a time that comes and theres no reckoning to be done

what?

yea its goin try to flow to some sort of idea that rolls with this try

what, i do as i go

yea, liar, follow ur lines

and shit

my fingers still bleed

at least they heal up fast

unlike that popin point

i like to think

its funny how somehow

i smash half my face in

and funk few months later

the other one goes too

this pass month i

been so stress out

at best i know how to lay

but not spell

i think i follow the ryhmes in my head

and the tieal

tial

ti something

i hear it

but i cant see it

and it looks good

i could redo one room

but it looks good

call it a learnin ex...

to think to be able

or actully put the time in

build sky scapers?

maybe chicken coops are better

its all easy though

that one time

when it all seemed out of whackd

the doubles seem there

it need no sense

loss it once again

and go with it

shit this has have to be

the longest

tryin to be

redunte

it funny

laugh

my hands are cut

my back is sore

i have done so much

want some more

but i am an

at least?

774 hit(s) (4 comments) | are you sure?  
Free?

I may be free of externalities,

But I will never be free of me.

aint that the truth

I wonder what thoughts she had after she got out the car and got in her house. I wonder what she thinks now since then. I haven't called. I won't. And I know she won't so I'll leave it at that. But damn do I wish she felt the same way about me. Maybe she did once upon a time... I am such a loser I could never tell when a girl was into me. I never got the hints I guess. It's all done now though, time for a change.

Me. I read through all my old entries and enjoyed every minute of it. It helped me get through the night and doing this entry, on the third night, will do the same. I am not that boy anymore and I am ready to be a man. I am going to clean up my act. These last three days I have been real good, I have been coming to terms about myself and what I want. I want to be healthy not only physical but mentally. I can not be living the way I have been living. A year in a half ago I wanted to but was not ready. I am ready now.

Sitdiary. I don't remember what I googled to find this place. I am glad I did. I am glad that I was able to type so many great people, like you, even if it all slipped away. I am glad that I was able to meet one of you, whom ,I like to think, I sent my letters of innocents to. I have changed so much. I am glad I still talk to one of you on the phone, who I can bitch my problems to, whom I sent my letters of despair to. I am glad that I am able to read of who I was and able to write who I am.

Life. It scares the fuck out of me; it will always, but I still have to step up to the plate. I can't strike out without taking a swing. Maybe I'll grow old with a great career and a great famly. Maybe I'll grow old with nothing but bad habits. Maybe I'll have a great career but two broken marrages or maybe with nothing but a great woman. I don't know, but it is going to be something to find out. Isn't it?

Love. What does that mean to say that to a person? I'm not sure what I meant when I told her. I just know what it felt like when I decided I have to do it and started to practice: an intense high; my eyes got watery, light-headed, shortness of breath; its like my heart stopped. I wish there was one for everyone, but that doesn't seem to be the case. When intense feelings come up, it is almost never mutual, so one settles for compatibility and trys to make it work.

496 hit(s) (11 comments) | are you sure?  
missing dates

to bad

i hope theyre not loss

i like these comments from my old entires...

why deny the fact that im one of those person that must start over again and again till i hit rockbottem why delay it but then again do i still want that i mean i think i want something with more substance not artificial paradise i want menories that i can remenber and without feelings of shame guilt and what not i dont know i really dont know mabe i shall join up and serve community college just doesnt seem right right now i mean my fellow citizens are over there right now and are fighting and dieing while im home safe blessed not sleeping reading all night screwing up steering aimlessly on to the future i think i want more but i am not sure how to go about it or even what more even is

from 2d outline of box

around winter 04/spring 05?

i was 17

One thing people say about drugs is that u will find things while on them only to lose what u found out the next day when u are off the fun. That u do it its done and u can’t ever get anything meaningful from it.

Not true.

From relapse

spring 05/summer

To you

I surrender

body, mind, and soul.

You have defeated me

every possible

abstract, tangible way.

I am yours

Do as u please.

From love

spring 05/summer

why is there evil in this world

?

like

it there is a god that is all powerful all knowing and all good

why did 6million jews and other have to be murderd

?

for the greater good

?

what the fuck

!!!

from weird

fall 05

i been with christine for like only 3 months and were spending christday together

im happy but scared

(think thats an underlining theme to me?)

mabe but i dont think its too fast

From a little less

winter 05

what the fuck man really woman are fuckin crazyer then racoons and racoons are fuckin crazy

from sometimes

spring 06

but im a fake poser and pussy so mabe i wont

mabe ill just try to endure this life

or new one

or this one

or mabe that one

or none

fuck it

im just so sad all the time

so depress

i dont know

well yea

peace

from leap of faith

spring/ summer 06

i cant go on like this

i cant keep doing the crazy shit i do

or can i

i mean what do i want out of life?

i dont know anymore

so many things have change

so yea

life goes on

fuck it!

From almost died

summer/fallish 06

its like i am just so damn young and inmature and not capable of doing anything right or along the right line or something

but then now

but then i just start thinkin about shit and it all goes to shit

but then it doesnt

like why am i not happy

like i jump up and down laughing out my lungs

all the time

and like things are sort of going well

so fuck God when will i know this is the right road

the right path or what ever shit man

i just want to know....

from trailer it

fall 06

damn like i changed alot since startin this diary i have

yep

im glad though

im glad that i still have room to grow to better my reality

im glad that i went thru what i did this year

i am stronger

im glad i have a family that loves me and puts up with my crazies

im glad i have my health or alive

im glad that u are readin this

im glad that i can get a card for weed

im glad that i saw all the shit i saw

this my life and i hope urs is not a fuckin tv show nothing goes as we plan and nothing is fairy tale i saw sufferin i suffered i know of what its like for others that have not much and i feel for them the most and envy them too

i want to feel more this new year then ever before

i know u could argue that this last year i felt more then before but i think ur missin the point

that was one way:

down

i felt the extreme of depression and self-loathing

now is the time to turn around and try other way cause i think this is what im lookin for

but Who knowns?

i will get in shape

i plan on cuting down i cancer sticks

i want to create more

i want to be more organized

i want to stop wantin and just be

i am....

from New year

Winter 06?

i think

I read through them all

it made me feel real good

im going to go try to fall asleep

359 hit(s) (2 comments) | are you sure?  


Entry List
beta...
testing...
Holy Sh!t!
A long time ago...
Long live Conan!!!
Scared shitless…
i once heard a story...
thats...
Free?
missing dates
I did it!!!
Terminated...
once again
sing!
ok
one month
One month
damned!!!
blank
only time will tell.....
my face hurts
ok
another year
..out of my ass
shinspilts
yea anyways
New Year.....
most nights
hello
29 post(s)