| I Will Be Waiting |
June 23, 2008 |
Time after time.
This fucking sucks. I'm sorry it just does. How dare you. How dare me. I don't know who I am anymore. For a while I was finally finding out who the real Jen was, but now its like I still don't even know whats going on.
Like I've said I've been doing things, like "bad" things even when I know the consquences. I haven't cared about them all the way up until now. I finally got hurt. Wow. That's what it feels like. Yes sir it does.
Things lately have been so up and down, back and forth. I feel like I'm the little flag in the middle of the tug of war rope. One minute I'm all the way to the right, and the next I'm to the left. For a good portion of the time though, I'm in the middle. I'm in the middle, but secretly wanting to be on a certain side. I know this, and I'm aware of it, yet I know I will never do it.
I don't know why I can't do it, but I never will. Maybe I knew it all along. "You could say I knew it all along"
Damn I'm so bitter right now. Bitter at everything. I'm done. Can I just quit? Everyone else is quitting. Your quitting, and thats okay, but your quitting in ways that you dont know of.
I'm stubborn, I'm a fighter. I don't ask for sympathy, nor do I give it. I can't be mean to you. I'm sure I am, but consciously I don't wanna be.
When Scorpio meets another Scorpio, they may not like each other at first. In fact, Scorpio will probably dislike each other. Scorpio can be mirrors to each other, and Scorpio may not like seeing themself so closely. Scorpio will be intensely attracted to each other - not that either of them know any other way to be attracted - but Scorpio may be astounded by just how intense they are when seen through another Scorpio's eyes. At times, the emotions will be so extreme that Scorpio will both need to step away from the relationship, getting some fresh air from new people or experiences.
SCORPIO - SCORPIO: As for sexual life of this couple, they are capable of lighting up a fire even under water. But they are too similar to be happy together. Both are determined, dominating, jealous and have terrible character. If they differ in something, this difference sets them apart and their relations show the signs of breaking up. The mutual desire in the beginning won’t keep on being strong outside the warm bedroom. Relationship… wow! Marriage… alas!
Scorpio and Scorpio:
There is potential for these two to have a lasting love affair. Some Scorpio/Scorpio relationships have been legendary. Scorpio has finally met someone who understands them unconditionally or so they think.
You would think that someone just like you would be your ideal lover, but think again. Although water needs water, water also needs other elements to sustain life. It’s either all or nothing when these two meet. They either fall in love and get married or have horrible sex and become enemies for life. Only time will tell whether these two have what it takes to have a lasting love. Be aware that you both have a strong need to control your partner. This is where potential problems could arise.
Possessiveness is also another area that could create problems. You could learn fascinating things from this other Scorpio so think about keeping them as a friend if the romance takes a detour.
This double combination of emotions strengthen strong feelings, desires, emotions and passions which both have. So with great desire and purpose they can achieve great things. If not, violent clashes are likely.There is a touch of both the saint and the devil in this combination or union. When two Scorpios get together, they do not beat about the bush. On some enchanted evening, these two will be strangers across a crowded room one minute and off to the nearest bedroom the next, leaving a cloud of steam behind them.
They both need extremes of emotion, magical mysteries and inescapable intensity.The energy they emanate may be hidden from sight, but it will be bubbling under the surface, ready to well up and cause a commotion at any moment. They'll protect each other as only fixed signs can do, but the moment one of them betrays the other's trust, then all hell breaks out. Once they've paired up, the Scorpio couple will be hell-bent on holding their relationship together, no matter what calamity comes along. Scorpios are sensationally superstitious and both of these kissing cousins believe in destiny.They will feel that they were destined for each other and that their love was written in the stars.
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| (1 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Sorry To Spoil Your Depression |
June 15, 2008 |
So things are very dramatic. For those who know me, I'm not that dramatic of a person. But nope, now its all drama. Drama drama drama. I can't take it anymore. I mean honestly, I know that I haven't deserved any of the drama, and so when it'd come up and people would start talking about me, or telling me all this shit, I didn't let it get to me. I'd pretend to care, but honestly I didn't.
But then it got way too entangled. Now I'm actually in it, perhaps even causing some. However, at least I'm straight up about it. I've confronted a few, and I did it in the most chill, kick back way. Seriously, I called them up, said "Hey, I just was wondering if this was true" and BAM somehow it got turned onto me being too naggy and too emotional. But you know, theres two sides of every story, and thats just mine. Although I do believe that if I were to describe the situation in detail, my side would sound legit.
So I'm quite a bit confused. People are giving me advice left and right, and good advice at that. It's the type of advice that I would give to someone in my position. Its really hard to actually take it though, once your in the position. I know the choice I need to make, but actually doing it is gonna be the hardest thing ever. Why? Mainly because all the drama it will bring. It shouldn't bring any, but with a particular person involved, I'm pretty much guarenteed drama. But it is what it is, and I gotta deal with it. I'm better then this.
So thats basically whats going on. Katie and I are close again, makes me happy. She's helping me during these hard times of mine. My jeep big old surprize is broken again. But I'm still driving it, waiting for it to die.
Gr see I lost my want to update. Well its a start. |
| (1 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Uninspired |
June 7, 2008 |
I really don't feel like updating, but honestly I have nothing to do, on a Saturday night.
Things were going super good for a really long time. Like I was happy and blissful.
Then I went up to Santa Cruz to visit Rylan, which was funnn :]
But since I did, something happened down here that I did not like.
And its still happening as I speak, so I can't help but regret going in a way. If I didn't go, it wouldnt have happened. But whatever,
Its just weird how everything can change within a week.
But I'm just letting it all go. Theres nothing else I can really do, right? No point in worrying, its not my place.
So I'm just whatever. Whateve. If thats how you get down go for it. Just wait and see what happens.
I'm done. Ugh.
Sorry, one day I'll be in the proper mood, promise! |
| (0 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Hokay Whey |
May 28, 2008 |
Crazy busy dramatic weekend beyond belief. Stubborn people. Grrr.
I'm so not in the mood to update. Today is Wednesday. I might go clubbing tonight. Not sure. Depends on who is all going. Fun times though :]
I just woke up not too long ago. Feels good to sleep in. Didn't really sleep at all period this weekend. Almost was late to work yesterday, but I'm a beast and made it :]
Woot. Work has been good lately. Super chill. I'm actually gonna go out and buy a sweatshirt so I can embroider it. Yippie.
So I'm doing good. Feeling pretty happy/okay. Keeping busy. Gonna clean the room, wash the jeep, organize the cds/ dvds, go shopping and sew today :] but thats just in the daytime.
Ash was gone all week. Made me sad. But I'm seeing her tomorrow and I get to tell her all the fantasticly juicy dramatic stories. Yay. She will have a ball.
So I'm going to start hanging out with peoples more. Well on Friday I'm driving up to see my Rylannnn!!! So stoked. Miss that boy. Bestest for sure. But then I want to start going to the beach on Mondays and Wednesdays. Gonna make a few phone calls, see whose down for what! Yay.
Well.... its the space and the face time.
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| (3 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| In The Bucket |
May 15, 2008 |
Real quick before work:
-First off, you know whats annoying?
When people point out how incredibly white I am. I mean seriously, you think I don't know? Then its like if anyone knows me, then you should know that I've only shown my legs about 5 times this year, and my arms about 10. So duh I'm freakin white. I'm okay with it, are you?
-My roommate moved out. I'm by myself till whenever really. Friday I think. Move out party with Sandy and the boys next store :] Fun fun.
-My parents are going to be gone this weekend. Exciting. They just said, hey we will be gone... No stay with your dad, or stay at your friends. Just gone. Although Chelsea is coming home all weekend for an appt or something.
-I had this bulletin board on my wall, and I had to take it off. Well when we put it on (my step dad) he used these hard core mounting squares. So no wonder that when I took it off, I took off 4 places of the wall too. Its not official, but I'm pretty sure I'll get charged at least 200. I'll be lucky if its $200. Let's just say that a thumb tack hole is worth $20, and these holes are far far worse. :[ Bummer
-My work schedule:
No Mondays
Tuesdays till 5
No Wednesdays
Thursdays till 5
Fridays till 5
Yay! Ashley is spending the night with me every Monday night! That means good times... And I'm going to visit her several times in Palmdale. Peter wants to come too. Which would be fun, but lame cuz theres nothing we can really do there?! Yay for Peter btw...
-I need to wash my Jeep. Oh! But I bought this amazing key chain by Jeep. I've always wanted one to show off that I drive a piece of crap. It's just a chrome steering wheel with Jeep on it. Pretty b.a though.
-Random: the song "Snap your fingers, and do the stare" (or whatever) I totally mistook it for "Snap your bagels"
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| (3 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Just Not Too Close |
May 13, 2008 |
So it has come to an end now. I have completed 4/6 of my finals. I don't even want to talk about econ... I'm not even joking, I'll be lucky if she gives me a C. I got murdered on that test. Unjustifiably murdered.
It sucks that its all ending. The past 2 weeks Sandy and I have become friends with our 2 neighboring boy suites. (Total of 6 guys) They are pretty dang chill. And they say that we're cool too. Its like dang, we could have had so much fun this year. But nope, Sandy and I judged all hardcore. We're making up for it though, we've all been "studying" aka getting really silly in our study groups. Its okay though.
So I move out Friday I believe. First I wanted Thursday, but then I realized that I want to live on my own for as long as possible. Summer will be interesting.. I have to do chores, be there for supper, and Idk give a play by play with what I'm doing! I know I won't really have a curfew, but in a way, I know I will. :[ Not looking forward to it. You can't just have freedom, then have it taken away. But lets see, I move out Aug 4th, so its not that bad. I can do this.
So Ashley caved in and got a facebook. I know this is weird, but now her and Peter talk all the time, esp now that he stole her number from my phone. Its not that I'm jealous like "Oh Peter is mine!" but him and I were getting so close, and now its like he tells me everything second. Ashley first. Kinda bums me out cuz I thought we were getting all close, and now its like Jenashter all the time. Not Jenter. Whatever though. Were still chill [please don't tell him if you know him] I think we're all hanging out tomorrow to catch up on some juicy gossip. Yay for gossip. Love it.
I'm super tired. I'm not looking forward to this weekend. Unpacking/ parents being all over me. Come rescue me! But on Monday but Jeep is finally getting fixed, so I'm pretty stoked. It died the other night for some random reason, I just don't even know anymore. But thats Scotty for you, and I love it.
Maybe I'll take a nap before work.
Technically 1 more day! |
| (0 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| French Toast |
May 9, 2008 |
This is horrible. I am a horrible person. I have no clue what I'm doing. I'm a horrible person. I hate whats going on right now, and yet I still continue to do it. This is bad.
I have no care for consequences. I do it because for that moment, that tiny moment it makes me happy. And I get to forget about how hurt I am without you.
I've changed so much. I keep doing it because I have to make it right. But I know that things will never be right. Look whats happening now. I'm not happy. I don't want this. Yet, you will find me doing the same thing over and over again.
I hate myself for this. Not in an emo way. I'm just frusterated that I know better, but I just can't seem to stop. Whats going on with me? I'm surrounding myself around people I don't trust, nor want to be with. And here I am, doing it again. I'm just trying to make it better.
I'm pretty damn sure that I'm a different person now. I feel like a bunch of new people like me, but like me because I've changed. They never would have talked to the old me. And I like it. I like having new friends. But its at such a high cost. If I already feel so negative about it all, I should stop. It won't happen though. Why? I'm not weak. I don't give in. But I do. I do all the time.
I'm frusterated right now. Really frusterated. Things will never be the same. I guess I'm glad I'm going through this because now I can say I've fully lived. I'm not happy about it. I don't deserve this from myself, or from others.
And it sucks. I did this to myself though. I know that I will find a way out. I still need you though. I need someone to talk to, and your the only person I want to call. Yet I'm so scared to talk to you. You can only be ignorant for so long.
I don't regret things. Nothing. I don't want to regret this. Yet, I feel like I already do.
I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I hate it. |
| (3 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Wordless |
May 5, 2008 |
I'm sorry. I really didn't mean that. I hope you know it.
Just hurts.
It was me being low and trying to comfort myself by making you seem like the bad guy. Which you weren't. I hope you can believe that, cuz it would suck if you didn't.
:[
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| (5 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Oh Its What You Do To Me |
May 5, 2008 |
This sucks.
Hardcore.
6.
Gosh dang. 6.
My goal is 2.
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| (1 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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| Jenter |
May 4, 2008 |
Loves it
♥ |
| (1 comments) | Zippedy Doo Da! |
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