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crash and burn |
July 31st, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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fuck my life man.
that's pretty much all i've got. fuck. my. life.
my birthday is in a week. I'm pretty much eating a 10 strip to my face...it's about the only thing i have to look forward to. how pathetic is that? all my friends pretty much scattered within about a months time.have basically nothing these days.
hopefully i come out of it happy...and not a grapefruit...but either way, it's whatever man. i just don't waht to feel this anymore.
i'm pretty much on the verge of peacing outta this place. i just can't even be bothered to care anymore. I'm tired of always being chased by the past. I'm tired of sleeping with ghosts. I'm tired of all the skeletons inhabiting my closet. I'm tired of ALWAYS turning away and having you ALWAYS be there, no matter which way i go. I can't hide from it...i need out.
...but how does one escape, when a prisoner of their own mind? |
| 55 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
break my heart
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July 30th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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i'm stuck.
i knew this would start happening as soon as Stitch told me about it.
this shit sucks.
so basically, there's my life. which right now, kind of sucks. it could get better, it could get worse. it's a 50/50 shot there.
then, there's my life that could be...which would be amazing. if it didn't make me happy then i guess i'm just really not meant to be happy. i could have everything i've ever wanted. i could make a life for myself, with a house and a nice car and a good job and somewhere down the road, a family. i have all the tools i need. i could leave right now.
...but it would come at a very high price. right about now i'd be almost willing to pay it. I'd probably regret it, but...whatever. i'm so sick of this feeling.
but basically, there is someone else i've decided to include in this decision. and it's a crazy idea. i know it is. but if they decide to be included, we could both have this amazing dream come true kind of happiness.
problem is, i'd have to put all my cards out on the table for that to happen. and i don't know if i can do that. especially considering the 99 percent chance i have of being shot down. i don't know that i'm ready to face the reality of it.
but i can't do anything productive here until i'm 100 percent sure that it won't happen. like getting my school shit together.
so i'm stuck. and on the verge of making a decision that will take me down a path that may take me away forever. and it might be the wrong one.
...but how wrong is it really, if it makes me happy in the end?
i think i might be on the verge of making a very big mistake. |
| 11 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
break my heart
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The Ravings of a Lunatic |
July 29th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Stop and Stare - One Republic
So i stopped using my sitdiary ages ago. a lot of shits changed.
it's whatever though.
I started writing a book. I used to think it would have a happy ending...now i'm not so sure. so i'm going to keep up with it and see where it goes. it's pretty much a recount of the daily shit that goes on. i think i'm going to start using this for parts of it. no one really keeps tabs on me anymore anyway, and the whole pen and paper thing is getting old.
The book started out as me and my best friend writing down the shit we did so we'd remember the details of our day when we were sober at some point. then it grew to something else...and now, i kinda feel like it's one of about 3 thin strands that are keeping me grounded. it's a gift and a curse...they're keeping me from drifting away, but at the same time, they're tying me down.
everyone who is a part of my life will probably present themselves at some point in this story. Me and my best friend who is helping me recount these stories decided that everyone's names must be changed. so if you run into some off names, they all have a story. maybe I'll make a listing of some of the better ones. not that i think many people will stumble across this. or read it if they do. but it's whatever. I'm only writing on here so it's easier to keep track of shit.
I tried tripping today. but i ended up just passing out. i guess that happens sometimes. whatever. i still felt like i was waking up to a new world. you know when you watch movies how sometimes there's parts when the main character will walk into a store and it'll be all bright and the walls are too white and it's almost awkward?
whenever i trip i get that feeling that they're conveying in those scenes. every time i go inside lights are too bright and everythings too clean and the walls are too close, and it's awkward. i don't know how else to explain it.
did you know that when you're typing on a cellphone keypad using that T9 bullshit, the words often and never are only one number apart? it's kind of ironic.
I've really done a number on my mind in the past couple of months. i had a revelation that i don't know how to be in love without drugs.
maybe i'll try it sometime.
well, the problem isn't really the relationships themselves...well, i suppose it is, but let's not go into that.
the problem is, i don't know how to go back to being sober and happy. i've never done it. i started smoking weed after Konstantine, and just never went back to the sober life, haha. I've been a pothead ever since, with an arrest on my record to prove it. Then when Ophelia and i were done, i started experimenting with L.
It's the age old question that constantly presents itself. How far are you willing to take this? how far is this going to go?
I started dropping L so i could forget about her. and it's worked, to an extent. i still remember. i still feel her there sometimes. everything still hurts. but when i think about us...it's like a movie that i only saw a few times and haven't watched in ages. only i kind of have a thing against this movie. i didn't like it, it made me bitter with life afterwards. so because i've written it off as a sucky movie, i've forgotten a lot of the good parts. so now all that's really left in my mind are the bad parts. only, i can't dwell on the bad. it'll just make me get angry and frustrated and i'll end up getting stuck, more so than i already am. so i just try not to think about her. it worked for a while... then i met blu.
but that's another story. i don't really know how I got here in the first place. see what i mean about doing a number on my mind? I've done well in forgetting...but she seems to be taking a piece of my mind with her. I've been doing that thing a lot more lately where i'll get paranoid and hide my shit from the world and then i'll forget where i put it. it's a spiral and i know i'm doing it, but i can't stop it. it's so frustrating.
my head hurts from thinking too hard.
the government has this way of looking at people who have tripped like we're all raving lunatics. i don't think it's entirely true. i think acid has a bad rep. yes, it does change you forever. once you trip on LSD your mind will never be the same. and yes, it is dangerous. it can turn you into orange juice and grapefruits and jocelyn. But in small doese, i don't think it's a bad thing.
acid is what some people call a "mind expanding drug". on a normal day, you use about 10 percent of your brain. on acid, you use a lot more. a good friend of mine once told me that if i was ever going to do a drug once that wasn't weed, to do acid once, because after that, thew world makes so much more sense. which, it does. it takes it's toll on you, but really, you're giving up a piece of yourself to become part of something much greater. Acid will open up a whole new world to you, literally. that's how Vegas and i describe it to people who don't understand tripping. there's the acid world, and there's sober world. it has it's own people, just like any country does, and it's own culture (including music), and...atmosphere? idk. it's hard to explain this place to anyone who hasn't been there.
Vegas and i spent 3 months in sober world after our first time tripping. when we finally did again, it was like waking up from a 3 month long coma. we woke up in a totally different place.
so long as you don't fuck with it...Acid is a beautiful drug.
but it's whatever. who cares what i think about it, i'm just a raving lunatic anyway...right? |
| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
break my heart
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February 7th, 2008 @ 12:00am |
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i was updating my myspace profile...and this just kinda came up. but i thought it might be a little personal for the world to see.
I'm going to make something of myself. I'm not sure what yet, but I know I'm going to be great. There are people that I have known and cared for, who are throwing their lives away stupidly...and one of those people made the mistake of telling me that I would never get anywhere. So now, my goal is to make something of myself, and to be the best person that I can, to show them all what they're missing out on, and maybe to motivate them to better themselves too...and so I can throw it in her face someday that she was wrong, that I made something of myself, while she was busy throwing her life away. |
| 16 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
break my heart
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'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside |
November 27th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside
I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his—chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, let me go
I just can’t look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibi
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr. Brightside
you know, all I ever wanted was for you to love me. Was that so much to ask? I've loved you since the moment we met. It was instant...
i honestly wish it hadn't happened. i wish i could have just torn my heart out of my chest, thrown it at you, and walked away. it would have hurt less, in the long run.
three years of my life, i've devoted to you. wasted on you. lost to you.
it's not like i never tried to tell you. you just didn't listen. you never listened to me. i could tell you i loved you, and you'd start talking about the cute boy in school. i honestly don't know why i ever loved you. why i still hang on.
you're selfish. you're one of the most selfish people i've ever met. and you turned me into a selfish person. i spent all my time and energy taking care of you, and nearly killed myself in doing so. because while i was talking care of you, you were worrying about yourself, as always. so in the end, no one was watching out for me. so i decided to focus on myself, since no one else cared enough to...not even my "loving" girlfriend.
you know what?
i would have given you everything. i would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. i would have killed for you.
i. loved. you.
you never did quite get that.
you tried to take advantage of me. "Brandi, i'm having such a bad night, my life sucks and me and my boyfriend just got in a fight...i think you should move here, and be four hours away from everything you know, and start your life over again for the fourth time, and give up going to college, and get a job or two here so you can pay half the rent to live in a closet size bedroom in an apartment with me and my boyfriend, so that when i have nights like this i can come running to you and you can hold me and comfort me."
you know what? fuck you. if you truly loved me, or had even a shred of respect for me, you would have wanted what was best for me. NOT what you think is best for you. i have no pity for you, honestly. you dug yourself into this hole you're in. it's your own goddamn fault you're having to jump from apartment to apartment and share rooms with 4 other people and work 3 jobs to pay for it.
you took me for granted. i resent you terribly for it, but at the same time, i'm glad you did. because if you had opened your eyes, and seen what i was offering you, you could have so easily taken advantage of me. i would have given you the world on a silver platter. i would have gladly given up college and worked 2 or 3 jobs to support us. and all i would have asked for in return is for you to love me. hell, i would have been satisfied with you just saying you loved me. you wouldn't have even needed to mean it...it's not like you ever did before anyway, so i'm used to it by now. you know what? i almost did go to new york. i almost gave up everything i know, everyone i love, just to be near you. just for the chance that maybe, just maybe, you'd finally see me. i'm glad i didn't make that mistake.
i made my decision on june 6th, and i haven't looked back since, nor do i regret it. i've finally found someone who loves me more than themselves. you would never, could never, have done that. god forbid you put yourself aside once in a while for someone else.
i know you hate me for it. you don't want me to be happy with anyone else. especially not Jordan, i mean, how dare she get between us? how dare she steal me from you? how dare she tell you that she doesn't want me around you? you're kim quinn, i am Brandi Rose. you own me. i am at your beckon call, day and night, i always have been and always will be, and nothing and no one will ever come between us, because i have devoted myself to you, and vow to be your footstool for the rest of my days...right?
sorry sweetie, but my world doesn't revolve around you anymore. get over yourself.
you know, i almost made the same mistake you did. i had someone who was just as devoted to me as i once was to you. she was willing to give me everything, all she asked in return was that i love her.
sound familiar?
thank god she didn't give up on me...and thank god, i gave up on you. i get why she hates you now. it's the same reason as why i always hated Cai. You would have given him everything, anything, you would have devoted yourself to him...and he just threw that away, like it was nothing.
...like i was nothing.
but hey, whatever, right? that was always your answer, to everything, "whatever".
i'm through wondering "what if". I'm through with sleepless nights. I'm through tearing myself to pieces trying to please you. i'm through reminiscing. I'm through with getting hurt.
i swear on everything in me that i'm through with you. |
| 15 hit(s) |
(2 comments) |
break my heart
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going through the motions |
April 29th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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so it's 11:20 right now. i'm kinda tired, but no amount of bodily fatigue could slow down my racing mind.
i really wish i had a sense of direction. because right now...i'm kinda just spinning freely. i hate this, being in limbo =/ everythings coming up soon. prom, scotts wedding, all arts day, graduation, kim, eileen, jenni, my birthday, college...
it's gonna be here before i know it and i'm just gonna be slammed by it all. it's gonna be pretty overwhelming. amazing...but overwhelming. too much emotion, crammed into a short amount of time. i have a feeling i might lose my head before it's over to the rush =/ but eh. maybe not. i'm pretty good at taking things in stride.
it's gonna be insane. even just to pick apart, it's all crammed together. prom next weekend. my cousins wedding the next day. kim the 28th and/or 29th (who i haven't seen in a year and a half) then eileen the 30th (who i haven't seen in...4 years) then jenni (who i haven't seen in a year) around that same time...
then graduation, right after all of that. that's going to be emotional in itself, you know? crazy stuff.
i can't wait for it though. none of it. i can't wait to see kim...i'm gonna cry, i bet you =] and eileen too. she's the closest thing i'll ever have to a sister. our parents have been friends for like, 20 years. i mean, they brought eileen to the hospital, and all of them waited while my mom was having me. we grew up together...she's one of those people that'll always be in my life, you know? no matter what, i've got her. Jenni too =]
so that's pretty much my life right now. yeah, not too interesting, but meh. it's more than enough for me right now, lol.
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| 15 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
break my heart
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Konstantine |
April 26th, 2007 @ 12:00am |
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taken from songmeanings.com (the meaning of Konstantine)
"i actually don't take it about a specific girl named "Konstantine" I take it for the meaning of someone DAMN special to the author.
The city Constantine is a city of Algeria. In like 311 AD is was destroyed in a war, but Emperor Constantine I came and rebuilt it (so it was named after him from then on)
I just thought the author meant the person was like his Constantine...whenever someone would tear him down, and destroy him
she/he would come and rebuild him, and make sure he was just as strong as he was before."
"Konstantine is one of the most amazing songs ever...his voice is so passionate...i have to agree with whoever said that Konstantine wasn't the name of the girlfriend...the song is about a girl who he can't get off his mind. he has this constant longing for her...he messed up and he knows it...he wants her back so bad but he doesn't wanna hurt her again...and when he says "this is because i can spell konfusion with a k and i like it" he's talking about her name...Konstantine is the confusion and although it drives him crazy, he still loves her anyway..."
"He broke up with her, he still loves her but it was something he had to do. At first he's sorry he hurt her, but then he starts to miss her when all the little things remind him of her ( 11:11 ) and realizes that he has hurt himself just as much as he hurt her. And he hopes to one day regain the love that him and his girl once shared."
This song is about two friends that have this odd relationship, they wanna be together but they know it'll never work, and it would ruin their friendship. Shes trying to stop it because it hurts too much, but neiter can bear to walk away."
"ohhh, and a konstantine? a konstantine is someone who's a concrete aspect of your life. they're always there for you. they pick you up when you fall way down. they're your sun, moon, stars, air, your everything. they're the person you call at 11:11 PM everynight and you wish with.
they're your soulmate."
hey, you never know...they could be right *shrugs* |
| 7 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
break my heart
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