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CRADLE |
August 13th, 2008 @ 3:51pm |
Listening to: AVRIL LAVIGNE: SLIPPED AWAY
Feeling: dead
SOMETIMES I WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN WHERE GOD WILL HOLD ME AND LOVE ME AND TELL ME IT'S ALL OKAY
WHERE I WILL KNOW I MEAN SOMETHING
MY CRADLE
I WANT MY LOVED ONES TO COMFORT ME WITH LOVING WORDS AND VOICES
I WANT TO BE HELD CLOSE TO THE WARMTH OF THEIR HEARTS AND CRY
MY CRADLE
I WANT THE ANGELS TO WELCOME ME WITH OPEN ARMS AND WELCOMING SMILES
I WANT THEM TO HUG ME AND TELL ME IT'S OKAY TO CRY
SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO DIE TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL...
TO CHEAT...
LET THEM PUT ME IN A WOODEN BOX
MY CRADLE
SOMETIMES I WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN WHERE GOD WILL HOLD ME AND LOVE ME AND TELL ME IT'S ALL OKAY
THE QUESTION IS... HOW OFTEN TO I ACTUALLY BELIEVE IN GOD LATELY? |
| 43 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Control freeeeeakkkkk |
April 29th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: yeah yeah yeah's: gold lion
Feeling: unlucky
you think youre the shit?
I've got news for you sister, YOURE NOT
Who are you to tell them who they can befriend? You can't control them all like you did me.
OKAY?
They seem fine. If they only knew.
I'm going to put the gun to his fucking head and pull the trigger. and watch him fall to the floor.
I'm just going to laugh.
Because it's ironic, don't you think? |
| 41 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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So full of shit |
March 22nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: The nanny
Feeling: psycho
OH my fucking god.
that last entry is complete and total bullshit.
alot can drastically change in... 3 weeks yes.
so... UNI's not that bad.
They're all proud of me. For "fighting" it.
but i don't. i give in so easily. the blood is just to fucking beautiful.
And I went to school today. so i get combat boots. yay
I can't tell whether you pointed at me or flipped me off from your window.
I hope you fucking die.
time to draw... |
| 19 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Bondage |
February 24th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Gothic Erotica
Feeling: jocund
And it's so hard to keep my fucking mouth shut.
So hard to keep my hands off you.
I love you so much...
Smiles and hours of conversation.
I can't say I haven't missed this...
But I want you...
I may be desperate by monday.
I have my own pills.
Little do they know I won't tell them shit about side effects.
I could sell them and make enough money to buy as many Lortab as I fucking want.
Haha. Ms. Doutre would be so disappointed.
We are more fucked up than we give ourselves credit for. |
| 30 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Murder |
February 22nd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: forensics
Feeling: haunted
If it weren't for the fact that I'd have to kill myself afterwards too...
Darling,
I'd slit your throat,
Just so that you could be happy.
I'm lost in our entertwining lives. |
| 10 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Cheap Tshirts |
February 19th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: A7x: Beast and harlot
Hope is gone
There is really nothing left to do.
The only thing i can do is wait.
Try to find this "courage"
to do what needs to be done.
but for now,
I'M FUCKED!!!! |
| 13 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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February 15th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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...there is no point in hoping anymore. No point in writing or begging or kissing or anything. The following was written before this.I feel like crying the other way...... but i promised. aw fuck.. since when do promises matter?
i cant talk to you
i cant kiss you
i cant love you
i can't hug you
i can't have you
i don't know what to do
i am a coward
strengthless
i want you.
you say you love me too
how am i to take it?
what can we do?
i want to be with you
i don't know how.
i do'nt know what i can do.
I'm so fuckign confused.
I love you.
I told you.
I Fucking love you.
So why cant I have you?
why does it rip wahts left of my heart out that i can't talk to you
that i feel so unwanted
and you say you love me,
but i feel so fucking unloved
i want to know the truth...
what the fuck can we do.
i love you
and you said you loved me too
I'm so confused.
I don't fucking konw what to do.
I thought I could do this.
But....... I don't konw anymore. |
| 18 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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February 8th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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jsut give me the pills.
hang yourself with a fucking necktie.
one with silk circles and stripes.
The sun goes down and the sky turns red.
the reflection makes my vision yellow
almost time for bed
how familiar it seems
a feeling that i thought was gone
...
I can't do this. |
| 14 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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constructive pain |
February 7th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: radio
Feeling: annoyed
Take the quiz: What piercing are you? Surfacethe dark one... mysterious, you keep to yourself and dont mix well with others, but you dont want to either. you like to be alone and dont like to go out clubbing and having fun (thats not a bad thing Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook! |
| 10 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Talking myself to sleep.... |
February 3rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Bright Eyes: Something Vague
Feeling: abandoned
I have a headache.
She looked at my eyes today... she says there was no color in them... that they were the darkest gray she'd ever seen...
I looked at them a couple minutes ago... they are nearly black... they are fucking dark.... and when i got up close i could see little tiny shafts of pale pale bluish gray...
I hurts.....she threw it at my head.
She put acid on my eyeshadow....
"Kloby" was nice enough to warn me about that...
Mom is angry.
We offered her a place to fucking stay if her father beat her. AND THIS IS HOW I AM REPAID???
Chambray said they're threatening to jump me. I want to die.....
I will either way. whether I do it or not.
It's scarier thinking that someday I'll be lying in a bed and I will just vanish....
It's scarier than having control of it...
I'm going to take a pill... drink one of those things tomorrow if they're still any good......
There is nothign without pain. I feel daggers in my side with every step i take....
every thought is like a knife...
All I ever wanted was love......
the little online dating heart on my searchbar looks like its bleeding. what a coincidence. |
| 18 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Rain rain don't go away |
February 1st, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: 10 Years: Wasteland
Feeling: dreamy
Admission: I like him... again...still... I really don't know.
I lose track, and it's kind of insignificant.
But he makes me smile. And he talks to me.
I felt like skipping home.
I felt like staying on the bus just to talk to him more.
he still smiles...
He took jake's hat and put it on me. and smiled and ran away. Why me?
He doesn't touch me... why does that seem like it means something?
It's raining. If it weren't so cold, I'd go outside and dance in it.
It's no fun to dance in the snow.
I'm dreaming again... God I wish I was more courageous.
♥ |
| 26 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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black hair |
January 25th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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IF PAIN IS BEAUTY, I SHOULD BE FUCKING GORGEOUS. |
| 18 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Up, up, and away |
January 23rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Instant club Hit
weeeeeeeeeee
this one trip i won't fucking forget. |
| 17 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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January 18th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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Today I died.
And as I walked away
you'd never know that it was you on my mind. |
| 31 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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Suicide |
January 16th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Chevelle: The Clincher
Feeling: melancholy
Your Suicide.. by KonstantineYour Name/UsernameFavorite Number?Favorite Color?Gender?FemaleMaleUndecidedBothHow will you commit suicide?You will slit your wristsHow many tries will it take?5When will you commit suicide?August 22, 2016What will your suicide note say?I wish there was another way...Quiz created with MemeGen! |
| 20 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Hiding |
January 15th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: strange things
i made a promise and i broke it before
so why would it matter now?
i hurt before and told you i'd stop
but you lied and betrayed me.
I tried to keep myself sane
I tried to write out the pain
but it didn't wokry
so why the hell would it now?
I do'nt get this at all anymore.
It's all kind of lame.
I just want to read and write and listen to music and have a good cry.
but i think i'm fucked
i will be crucified in english on wednesday.
so not looking forward to it.
I went to the International Auto Exposition today. Eric took pictures of my brother and I crammed inside the trunks making screaming faces and curled up in fetal positions. My feet hurt and I felt all poor and hippy-y always looking at the gas mileage and going sick sick sick if the city MPG was below 20.
Scions have fabulous sound systems. I can only imagine bouncing around to gogol bordello in it. "Start wearing purple.........forrrrr me......... nooooooooooooow" ::accordian solo::
YESSSSSS.
it snowed alot... duh. Eric's car was pracitcally snowed in and dad used a crate lid to scrape the snow off so we could get in without causing a small avalanche.
The snow depresses me. It used to make me happy.
Go figure.
I can see the veins and bones bulging in the back of my hand now. Its creepy. |
| 22 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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worry |
January 12th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
i am worried about her.
I'm not the only one cutting again after a promise... several promises... not that mine mattered as much as hers but still..
she's afraid that her dad will hurt her again.
i hate seeing her get hurt... i hate seeing anyone get hurt...even if they hurt me
like her..
if jordan's mom or dad beat him, i would feel bad. I would try to help.
I hate feeling useless.
She has been offered a place to stay here for however long she needs to...
her mom has been offered help if need be as well
she wants to come over tomorrow after work or after we come back from where ever to stay over to get her mind off things.
i doubt mom will say no.
not as much food and stuff but eh oh well.
maybe we can go to the cemetery tomorrow.
since we couldnt last week...
that would be nice.
surround ourselves with spirits
to try and offset the orbs around us...
somehow... usually when we get together, we cheer up, we find a way alot of the time to forget about what's fucked up.
and i like it like that.
I miss friendships like that.
It's been so long since Natasha left... |
| 16 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Checking out |
January 10th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Silence
Feeling: achy
I checked out of school today... haven't done that since sometime last year. Like as in probably 2004.. not 2005. God I'm having trouble with this transition...
She kept asking me what was wrong, she never tried to actually talk
Text message: where are you
Text message: what is wrong
Text message: are you going to ignore me?
While we were sitting backstage doing nothing she comes to me and goes "who pissed in your cheerios?"
and suddenly she's chambray's best friend. I don't like Chambray and ArJay makes it sound like she doesn't either but I dunno. It doesn't matter.
I got my backpack to try and sleep on and she freaked and asked me if i was leaving.
I know she's not mad at me... I HOPE she's not... The last thing I Need ontop of htis right now is her unmerciful anger towards me.
She was going to go outside with Chambray and walk around until the bell rang and she wrote me a little note....
before we went to the auditorium we were in fullers room doing thigns. i admired a gay rights "taking a stand" fiar display, and was quite tempted to look at Jordans. He does such interesting things usually... I remember the teeth....
I saw him in his car w/ his father this morning... It makes me laugh when I see him randomly outside of school and he doesn't know it.
I need to go make up the test.
Dad falls for anything. I feel bad for lying, but I didnt' think the cramps were enough to get him to come. AND I DID take the ibuprofen around 9, but it didn't work, and they were giving me a headache.
i just didn't throw up... oh how I wanted to...
I feel like shit. It's cold...
I should do tings and eat and sleep.
It hurts...
Not just the cramps anymore...
other things.
they made me fall off my mountain. |
| 20 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Morbid |
January 6th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Commercials
Feeling: rejected
to cry is to know that you're alive,
but my river of tears has run dry.I never wanted to lose you,no...
but a cold heart is a dead heart and it feels i have been buried alive by love
if i should die before i wake ,pray no one my heart to take..
and if i wake before i die ,rescue me with your smile
Sigh... I love that song. her tatto is prettier and I like it now. Jordan doesn't but he doesn't like much of anything. he just shows off to me again and hopes he can lead me on. It won't work this time so mehehe fuck you.
Tomorrow is our sleepover. Lala things change so fast anymore. I am in pain but oh well I can't stop this pain with a slice, unfortunately.
Friends are doing better. I hope it stays that way.
but a cold heart is a dead heart and a deserted heart is gone... but a cold heart is a dead heart and it feels like i've been
BURIED ALIVE BY LOVE |
| 13 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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logout |
January 4th, 2006 @ 12:00am |
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hey look its me ^^
i just realized what a pain in the ass it is to sign out if you're doing it from my page.
I spend a whole week with person friend.
she gave herself a tatto
i want tattoo but not really from her.
i dont want mine to bleed and push the ink out.
nothing wrong with blood mind you i just would rathe rhave a black tattoo than a reddish pink scar thingy.
lol today was fun anyway.
my teacher is so going to hate my parents
it makes me laugh
he is a bigoted sexist ass. and i am glad i will not have to deal with him again. |
| 14 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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New Year |
January 3rd, 2006 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Fantom
Feeling: tickled
a new year...
a somewhat new me...
it's so strange to think this.
bisexual?
but it explains alot.
Just everyone is "Bi" now to be cool but I don't think i'm "bi" like they all are.
i dont just want to be cool and liked. i seriously catch myself watching girls all the time... it freaks me out.
I still very muchly prefer guys but yeah.
A new year...
I really do hope it turns out better than 2005...
My new mantra:
Morbidly Beautiful |
| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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understand |
December 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: franz ferdinand: auf achse
Feeling: evil
THey dont get it.
They just don't fucking understand why
Mayve I am throwing it away.
Why does MY future matter to YOU??? |
| 35 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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Winter |
November 30th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: emptiness....
Wandering in the freezing cold
Icy paths through thick and thin
Nobody there to catch you if you fall
The winds that howl and chap won't let up
Even the wolves seek shelter
Relentless in the season's cruelty.
So yeah... things aren't that great.
Haven't been on in a while. Not that anyone reads this anymore.
Too bad for me. |
| 21 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Darkness |
November 4th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: She snores
Feeling: enraged
We captured midnight and made him stay
We held it in our arms
We let our eyes glaze over
The darkness was witheld
Bound with our frantic eyes
We died that night
You held me so close...
Numbed my fear
I felt like the world was right
I let it happen
And we drifted away
|
| 13 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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MUAHAHAHAHAHA |
October 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Phantom Of The Opera
Well hello there everyone!!
A - Age you got your first kiss: 8
B - Band listening to right now: Tommy Gnosis
C - Crush: ... none....
D- Dads name: Dennis
E- Easiest person to talk to: Myself, jordan
F - Favorite bands at the moment: NIN, MCR, franz ferdinand, dresdon dolls
G - Gummy worms or gummy bears: worms ( I like worms)
H - Hometown: SL, UT
I - Instruments: violin, piano, guitar
J- Junior High: midvale middle/west lake
K - Kids: none.... 0
L - Longest car ride ever: I'm not sure wheter it was utah to albequerque/albequerqueto OKC or LA to Reno....
M - Mom's name: Jane
N - Nicknames: Sam, Face, sammaramma
O - One wish: Happiness
P - Phobia: alone forever/ death
Q - Quote: Your rituals are empty oaths you neither abide nor live by
R - Reason to smile: Do I have one?
S - Song you sang last: The Jetset Life is gonna Kill you
T - Time you woke up [today]: 5:58
U - Unknown fact about me: I'm a hacker and I hate people
V - Vegetable you hate: asparagus
W - Worst habit(s): thoughts
X - X-rays you've had: what xrays have i not had?
Y - Yummy food: CHEESE
Z - Zodiac sign: leo
Ten People You Talked To Today*
01)mom
02)thelma
03)brother
04)arjay
05)amanda
06)johnny
07)jordan
08)jackie
09)heather
10)asshole parker
*Nine Good Friends*
01) Robyn
02) Tasha
03) Jordan used to be
04)... Arjay
05) Matt
06) My cat
07) Liz
08) Thelma
09) Sara
*Eight Things In Your Room*
01) bed
02) cd player
03) camera
04) ora-jel
05) clothes
06) books
07) dust
08) glass
*Seven Things That Annoy You*
01) my brother
02) liears
03) ppl who think they are cool (not ones that KNOW they are)
04) Preppy whore bitches
05) feelings
06) braces
07)my mind
*Six Things You Touch Daily*
01) cell phone
02) remote control
03) pencil/pen
04) clothes
05) me
06) computer usually
*Five Favortie Candys*
01) um... CHOCOLATE!!!!!
02) Reese's cups
03) charleston chews
04) Nestle tollhouse brownie bars
05) junior mints
*Four TV Shows You Watch*
01) degrassi
02) The news
03) Rock countdown
04) Jeopardy
*Three Celebrities You Have a Crush on*
01) Sonny... Malone...?
02) THe guy from holloh
03) Trent Reznor
*Two Things You Can't Live Without*
01) Music
02) Written word
*Name One Thing You Want More Than Anything*
01) eternal happiness.
|
| 22 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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September 4th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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well... it has been a while.
things have changed... and i'm not sure whether its for better or for worse.
i cant get some things out of my head, but thena gain, what else is new? i feel like speaking french...
oh well... no time to take withthat matter.
i didnt make it... i am so ashamed ofmyself... and yet oddly happy and proud. |
| 42 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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August 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: The Nobodies
Have you ever noticed... that when you need something REALLY REALLY bad... is when you never get it?
like in life, when you need things to be better for you, they only get fucking worse.
I think i'm gonna transfer schools to get the fuck away from everyone. Sometimes i wish i would just kill myself. |
| 31 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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July 18th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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i am officially dead
everyone fucking hates me.
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| 44 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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July 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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the chicken grease splatters on the ceiling
uninvitint smells in days gone by
the milk has turned in the fridge
there is nothing left to eat
Nothing left to soothe this lesser urge
trying to be good
to eat instead of cut
the smell of food nauseates me
but i know i need to eat. |
| 16 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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they suck |
July 9th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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everyone fucking sucks.
you know that right?
i have been cut off from all of my friends. i feel as if thats whats happened anyway. i havent talked to any people other than my scum sucking father since tuesday i think. this is unusual for me. extremely unusual.
i did get a cat though. it likes to sit in the windowsill by the computer and stare at me. every once and a while it comes over and jumps on the keyboard and attacks my fingers.
it is my only companion.
/88... it just did the /88. oh well. it doesnt matter. now its gone to lay in a plant. i am so bored
taken to wearing my lovely long sleeves again. there are... things to hide.
le tme say i am sure fucking glad my house is a/c'd. tank tops feel wrong on me anyway. i just want to sit in my room and close the curtains and do... nothing. listen to bleeding through and otep and nine inch nails. maybe my slipknot if i can find it.
i'm obsessed with my music lately too. its like my music is a substitute for friendship. |
| 13 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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July 9th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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"i want to kill myself, but i don't want to die. does that make any sense?"
i'd say, yeah.
I had to clean my bathroom all over today.
I cut too deep and blood went everywhere. It was nice until i realized how much there was and that it was coming out of me. I haven't talked to nick or anyone still. I panicked. It was the first time i truly thought i was going to bleed to death. i poured alcohol on it and wrapped it up good in stuff. it bulged under my shirt so i wrapped the other arm the same way. i keep missing degrassi. dammit. the only reason i've watched tv at all lately. oh well. fuck life. |
| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Just Some Questions |
July 6th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Phil Collins: True Colors
What makes a life worth living?
Is it the pain?
What makes something worth loving?
Is it the pain?
Is it the pain that engulfs us,
What makes us human?
Why do we have to feel at all?
Why were we made like this?
Unbearable...
Agonizing...
These feelings that make us hurt
This shit that we've got to deal with
What makes us real?
Is it the pain?
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| 13 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Pain |
July 5th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: HH: Screenwriting an apology
Well, I haven't written here for a while. Life has been really boring... crappy... Thomas and Nick hate eachother now because of me. Kris is mad at me because about a week ago I showed up at her house with Nick and some coke... I don't know what her fucking problem is anyways... Usually she'd gladly join in, but something was up last week... I don't know. Maybe she's pregnant. Oh God. Nick sprained his ankle on the 2nd. They gave him a splint and told him to be careful. We colored the ace bandage red and teal with sharpies. It rocks. So yesterday was the 4th of July. Me and Nick and Jade went swimming at the Multipurpose center. Nick tried to hobble down the diving board, but he slipped. My swim suit has a hole in the ass. Went to a party at this girl Carrie's house. She had food and... other stuff. Had a lovely few minutes with Nick to myself. About Thomas, he just... well I don't know. He called me again and is all "I want you back, Sadie. Life sucks without you and I miss you really really bad." And I'm... with Nick. Thomas has lost his appeal to me pretty much. Sure he'll have some place in my heart... but just... ugh. Nick got his cousins (his 18 yr old cuz is totally hot and Nick knows I think he is. His name is Matt.)and the four of us went to the city park to watch fireworks. We didn't exactly watch fireworks though, we just sat under the big tree and kissed. When I got home, my dad's new girlfriend was over... her name is like... Mariah or something. They were totally shitfaced but my dad chewed me out for getting home barely after 12:00 and called me a fucking cunt. all the time little miss mariah is just laughing her bottle blonde head off. I took a hot shower and stepped on a pushpin. I'm so fucking sick of all of my dad's shit. I haven't done much of anything or talked to anyone. My dad left for work around 8 and he's not getting home until one tonight, so... I'll probably take some of his "lemonade" and go to the park with Nick or something. My foot fucking hurts and there is a stain on my carpet. I need to find that spot remover crap. |
| 16 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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fuck it |
June 21st, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: to the end: mcr
fuck life
fuck me
fuck the pain
fuck the good
fuck thomas
fuck nick
fuck kris
fuck jade
FUCK THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| 19 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Lame |
June 15th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Something on the fucking radio
Feeling: eh
well... i haven't written since thursday.. and there is much to be added. jade's computer got fucked up so she can't use it to comment me or nick anymore... and nick... i hope you dont mind what i'm saying here. well... anyway.. since i was all confused about last wednesday, i talked to nick about it on thursday night.. and we kind of agreed to be... more than friends... we both wanted it. kris had a party at her house on saturday night, and, miraculously, my father let me go. i figured he had a little something planned for himself... but anyway...we go... kris's parents are gone... till tomorrow i think. nick was there. there was plenty of booze and drugs and stuff like that in general. i'd be amazed if there was one person there that left that party completely sober. around one... at a peak... nick and i left with a little of the goodies and went to my house because he had a headache or something.. i dont even remember. but we went into my room... my dark... quiet room... and we sat on my bed for a while just half talking and half kissing.. twas really very lovely... we had some more to drink... and we started seriously making out... tongue rapes and all... he stuck his hand up my shirt and i put my hand... well yeah... he was rock hard... we ended up having a lovely fuck.its weird to think that after two days of being "more tahn friends" we did that. but it was really great... only bad parta bout getting fucked when you're drunk/high is that you dont remember it too well... but i know it was good... because i was sore when i woke up and i slept till almost noon. and the last time i had good sex i was sore and slept for a long time. nick was still there when i woke up. i thought it was sweet that he didnt leave me. my dad didnt even interrogate me about nick leaving as he stumbled out of his room. i figured he was too hungover to really take it in. well yeah... that's about all that's happened in my life lately.. since thursday when i last.. entered... well i have to go. meeting jade, nick and O at burger king. more ketchup ahahahahhahahahahahhahaha |
| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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Thomas |
June 15th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Sum 41: Pieces
oh my god... thomas called me...asking me if i was okay and if he could talk to me... oh god... this hurts really bad... i mean... with nick...and now thomas is being civil? i dont want things ruined... but i think i still feel for thomas. god... there have been no new marks on my body since friday... but now there are. i am scared. i kne wi shouldn't have done anything on the weekend. my mind is reeling and i feel really really sick... i think i'm going to go throw up |
| 35 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
blackout
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HI!!!!!!!!!!!! |
June 9th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: ohio is for lovers
Feeling: high
so yeah. last night i went to jades. nick was there and when i first got there it sounded like they were yeling about something... and i went in, and nick had crank. muashahahahahahha. jade made him share. we all sat around in his basement on the big huge oval sofa and just talked and laughed... and i forgot about everything bad in my life for just a while. we got hungry so we walked to burger king and sat there shooting ketchup at eachother and scaring the crap out of the people at burgerking, including htis little old lady who i thought was going to die she was so frightened of us "punks" sitting there laughing maniacally and swearing and stuff. after we left burger king, nobody wante to go home so we walked to the park and sat on the swings. jade swung around on the tire swing and threw up. then she dared me and nick to kiss. oh yeah baby. haha. after, for some reason jade decided to go home and nick walked me home and thank god, my dad wasnt home and so nick and i went inside and sat in the living room and watched the forgotten. he started talking to me and asking me all kinds of questions. at one point he asked if he could see my cuts and i said "which ones" and he said "all of them", so i took him in my room, and i basically stripped for him. i wasnt going to let him see the ones my underwear cover up, but he stared at my body, with the hearts on my feet and words on my legs and stomach, and then he reached out to me, pulled me to him and kissed my belly button. i though it was really really weird.... because i mean, i DO like him, and.. well... now he knows... but i've never done anything with a guy when i've been high... i think they mixed it with sugar because i came down faster than i've come down off of it alot of times... and the last time i came down that fast they mixed sugar with me, so fuck you for that, but... still i was buzzed and as i stood there in my room, only wearing my underwear, while one of my guy friends kissed my stomach, i forgot all about thomas... sadly... and yet... gladly. and no, jade, kris, whoever else, we did NOT have sex. hejust kissed me.. we kissed alot... then i heard my dad trying to get in so i sent him home really fast... and i havent talked to him yet.. i'm scared. i mean... i dont think i can handle a fuckedup relationship now with all the drugs and my dad and my mom in and out and the cuts... i think i really care about him though. i'm afraid that i will lose my friendship with nick, and/or jade if something goes on... maybe it was a one tiem thing because he was high.. i dont know... i just... dont... |
| 31 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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bored. thanks to jade |
June 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Prince: little red corvett
Feeling: demonic
What is your favorite..
gum: don’t have one exactly...
restaurant: don’t know
drink: whatever will make me hyper or tired
season: spummer. Roughly end of April, may and beginning of June.
type of weather: clouds, rain and thuunder
emotion: in love. It incorporates many emotions. Even if it doesnt happen often anymore
thing to do on a half day: go home and spend some quality time with... a... yeah.
late-night activity: think realy hard
sport: I hate sports
city: no idea. Salem... witches.. Yeah
store: Media Play/Barnes & Noble. Lame eh?music and books.
When was the last time you..
cried: last night around 11
played a sport: um....
laughed: I don’t know...
hugged someone: yesterday
kissed someone: some time last.... month?
felt depressed: when have I not lately? It just gets masked occasionally.
felt elated: elated? Uh....
felt overworked: Sunday night.
faked sick: November 10th, I faked it so I could stay home and ruin a relationship.
lied: I dunno... I probably lied to sib about something
What was the last..
word you said: Love ::I’m the son of rage and love::
thing you ate: liquigel. Rather bitter
song you listened to: Train(meet virginia)
thing you drank: coke
place you went to: home
movie you saw: White Noise
movie you rented: Saw
concert you attended: I don’t know..
Who was the last person you..
hugged: someone.
cried over: someone
danced with: I dunno. OMG IT WAS.. HIM
shared a secret with: Kris
had a sleepover with: Tish. No problems from her “ghosts”
called: thomas... freak
went to a movie with: Leann
saw: myself...?
were angry with: myself
couldn't take your eyes off of: thomas...
obsessed over: see above
Have you ever..
danced in the rain: yes. It is fun because you can spin through the puddles
kissed someone: yes...
done drugs: what drugs?
drank alcohol: yep. Saturday night. Fabulous
slept around: not to my knowledge
had a movie marathon: when I get bored.. Like yesterday.
spun until you were immensely dizzy: yeah. The worst I remember is in 1st grade in the stupid cars at the funhouse when I actually horked
taken a survey quite like this before: yeah. And a few even longer than this.
Full name: Why should I tell you? Oh well. Sadie Marie Steele
Nicknames: Dip, Sad, loo-loo
Sex: sure.
Age: 15
Birthday: 04/16/90
Birth place: Evanston, Wyoming
Current residence: Cheyenne, Wyoming
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Parents names: Margaret Anne O’Connell Steele David Jacob Steele
Pets: one dog(joe), one cat(skitz), two fish, mikey and gerard(haha)
Favorites:
Colors: black, yellow, read
Animals: cats, ferrets, squirrels
Cartoon Characters: kevin, stewie, homer, daria
Actresses: sarah michelle gellar, reese witherspoon, jodie foster, julianne Moore
Actors: johnny depp, ewan mcgreggor, joaquin phoenix, mel gibson,
Movies: Saw, The Grudge, RHPS(in theater of course), love actually
Types of music: alt rock, emo/screamo, metal, classic rock, some of the 90s pop stuff, SOME newer pop(black eyed peas, kelly clarkson, Avril Lavigne)
Singers: billie joe armstrong, amy lee, kelly clarkson, P!NK, Billy Corgan, Avril Lavigne
Bands/Groups: train, Metallica, rancid, three days grace, Alkaline Trio, modest mouse, the offspring, papa roach, weezer, mcr, the used, NIN, AFI, Nirvana, Judas Priest, Slipknot, SOAD, Hawthorne Heights, Garbage
CDs: Three Days Grace(self titled) Avril Lavigne( Under My Skin) Garbage(Beautiful Garbage/Bleed Like Me)Papa Roach(Getting Away With Murder) AFI(sing the sorrow)NIN(with teeth/downward spiral) Hot Hot Heat(Elevator)
Love songs: Run, Slipped away.... I don’t really have favorite love songs. I cant think of them now anyway....
All time favorite songs: Ohio is for lovers, Hiccup, Crazy, Larger Than Life, Brain Stew, I’ll be, miserable, Memory, take me away,
Authors: wally lamb, steven king, alice seibold, daniel parker, Tess gerritsen, dean koontz
Video games: don’t play video games. A friend had GTA: Vice city. Pretty cool...
Computer games: Don’t play games on comp either...
Foods: chocolate, meatloaf, tacos, chow mein
Cookies: oreos, chips ahoy, macaroons
Veggies: carrots, lettuce, onions, pickle?(I dunno if it’s a veggie or not)
Fruits: banana, peach,, cherry, strawberry,
Candies: reeses, starbursts, munchies (sadly they are only for sale in England grr)
Beverages: water, rootbeer, lemonade, alcoholic... stuff..
Cereals: frosted mini wheats, cinnamon toast crunch
Websites: laughinggasstation, sit diary of course, I think its called... runescape...? vampiremessenger, and random things I find... don’t remember.
Music videos: helena, behind these hazel eyes, blue orchid, take it away, nobody’s home
Gum: thought we covered this before... silly people
Pizza toppings: cheese
Fast food joints: wendys, dq, taco bell
Pig out foods: cheese... onion sunchips
Outfits: what covers what I want covered, shows what I want showed and is comfy.
Stores: media play, target, hottopic, suncoast, suzies, starbound,
Sports: remember? I hate sports
Athletes: um... michael jordan?
Numbers: 16, 666, 669. 696, 699, 966, 969, 996, 999
Letters: x, s, j, q, t,
Breakfast foods: french toast, cereal, donuts, bagels w/ cream cheese (creamy creamy cheese cheese, creamy cheese. Foamy is the master and sadly nobody knows him)cinnamon buns
Lunches: turkey sandwich, tacos, rice,
Dinners: chicken... pork... any meat that makes me fatter. Har har har
Comedians: colin mochrie, wayne brady, jeff.. Crap I can never remember his last name, chip davis. Don’t know many more
Shampoos: herbal escenses yes... Yes... YES!!!!!!!!
Magazines: threat, spin, people, AP, Revolver, Guitarlegends.
Love Life
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: nope
If so, who are they?: I know who they SHOULD be.
Do you love them?: I don’t know. Thought I did... maybe I didn’t though. Hum. Trick question
How long have you been dating?: not dating duh.
Do you have a crush?: i guess you could say that
Would you rather be single or taken right now?: eh taken I suppose. Summer is here. I need more than what already occupies my time to occupy my time.
How many people have you dated this past year?: four
How many people have you said "I love you" to and meant it?: not sure....
If you didn't mean it, why did you say it?: oh but I did... I think
Have you ever had a hard time getting over someone?: had?????? having.
Are you friends with your ex/exes?: yeah. Sort of....
Have you ever cheated on someone?: um... yes?
Have you ever been cheated on?: I don’t think so.....
What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?: kissed me in the rain I think
What do you look for in your ideal mate?: they have to be able to take my mind off the drinks and the drugs and my cuts... make me laugh. Looks aren’t a big deal I guess. I have this thing for long hair... but yeah. I can’t stand it if they can’t talk to me, listen to me... so someone who is opinionated, intelligent and open minded
Biggest Turn-ons: smile, sexy eyes, nice arms/hands... long laughs.
Morals/Beliefs
What religion are you?: I am nothing
Do you got to church regularly?: no. I haven’t GONE to church for one year+
What do you think happens when you die:? I really don’t know. Haven’t decided.
Do you believe in God?: sometimes
Satan?: sometimes
Angels?: in a way
Heaven?: I don’t know it’s an after life thing.
Hell?: I don’t know its’ an after life thing.
Are you a virgin?: ...
What do you think of abortion?: I think it’s okay... the world is getting over populated. If you really don’t want a child, I think it is more wrong to bring it into the world where it might end up having a piss poor life in some orphanage or foster home
Flag burning?: I don’t like it, but I like fire... I’m mad at my country right now. Go ahead.
War?: why must we help? Why cant we be lazy sons of bitches and sit on our asses? It’d save us BILLIONS of dollars.
This or That
Chocolate or Vanilla?: chocolate
Mom or Dad?: dad
Blonde or Brunette?: brunette....
Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon?: they both suck now
Spicy or Minty gum?: minty. SPEARMINT!!!
Heaven or Hell?: I don’t know. Limbo
Nsync or Backstreet Boys?: BSB.
The Beatles or The Rolling Stones?: Beatles. Stones hurt
Boys or Girls?: boys
France or England?: England. By Jove!
Cookies or Cake?: um... cookies. Cuz then you have an excuse to have milk (oh fuck that is retarded)
Flower or Candy?: flower I think...
Doctors or Dentist?: dentist. Laughing gas
Ever Been Called...
Dumb?: yes...
Retarted?: yep I think so
Ugly?: yeah. I am big deal
Hot?: uh hahaha... yes.
Fat?: yes. I say it myself. Haha fatty!
Anorexic?: LMAO no
A waste of space?:yeah. Called a waste of human being too
Useless?: don’t think so. It is one of my fears... shhh
Sexy?: yep
Smelly?: the one time when I went to themall and sprayed all the perfumes on me. My dad said I smelled like a whore. I asked him how he knew this and he was... quiet.
A Slut?: no
Beautiful?: yeah.....sigh
Smart?: yes
Quiet?: yes
Boring?: yep
A Bitch?: not just A Bitch, I got the added bonus of “Vindictive” and “Fucking”
Rebel?: yes ma’am/sir
Conceited?: probably
Currently
What are you wearing?: black shorts, red “rock star” tank top and my purple stripey socks
Who are you talking to?: nobody. Myself I guess. I said good morning to someone but nobody ever talks to me anymore
How is the weather?: clear, sunny, and windy
What are you listening to?: sheryl crow. Ugh. Must change it. Simple plan is better...
What/Who are you thinking about?: my ex and the fact that joe is chasing skitz
What are you eating/drinking?: double shot
What are you looking forward to?: Friday I guess.
What are you dreading?: Friday I guess
How are you feeling?: A mix of happy, sad, tired, confused, lovesick, and pissed off.
How is your hair?: I don’t know. How are you my hair today? Its not speaking to me.
What time is it?: 9:05
What are you annoyed by?: stalkers, liars, people who think they know everything, george bush, my feelings/ thoughts, thomas, O, the weather, derek, gerard(why did you cut your beaurtiful sexy hair???I still love you) the fact that I still have to wait another week to get the hawthorne heights cd/dvd thing. So many people I know want to get it. I feel no longer special. and the fact that carly sees greenday and i dont. and random other things i dont feel like expressing at this moment.
What are your secrets?: They are secrets for a reason.
Anything else?: kris will you please tell jade to tell me what the fuck she did with my razor blades???? oh and it’s going to be Thursday, not Friday this time okay? Nick is coming. Yay! |
| 27 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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June 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Right Between The Eyes
Feeling: angry
he hit me again last night... hard... in the face. the only thing i had to help myself were the push pins in my drawer. i spelled his name on my knee. it hurts like a bitch and the places where i ripped the skin are all green-ish. it hasnt hurt this much for a long time. it hasnt hurt at all for a long time. just... happy... i dont know. i wanted to kill him. but he was gone and he locked himself in his own room. he's gone now. i know this is the first i've said of it... but since my friends neice let me have this one because the other got deactivated thanks to my fucked up email account. so some of her entries are still here. but some sound like the could be me so i left them. i dont even know this girl, but i was at her aunts house and she started iming me and we started talking about this place and she just goes "take the one i dont use. lillithrysa" so i did.
so for total update... well... i dotn know. why doesi t matter? nobody cares? jade you fucker tell me where you put them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can't get out of here today to meet nick to get the other thing. i need them back. |
| 36 hit(s) |
(3 comments) |
blackout
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God... |
June 8th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Foo Fighters: Learning to fly
Feeling: dark
ok. for the three of you that have asked me "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" i will tell you.
as you SHOULD know, i stopped going to my shrink.. he pissed me off.
so, my only outlet for really anything anymore in life is to cut, or to write, and i am having serious writing problems...
so guess which one it is?
i haven't been cutting this much since when Omar's creep-o's brother's friend beat the crap out of me then raped me. which is all taken care of now, thank you very much. that part of me is pretty much healed...
but what is going on now, is that i finished out the school year really bad, my dad got my report card yesterday and i had two As, three Cs, two Fs and one B+... and he got really pissed about it. i mean, he forces me to take these fucking AP classes and then punishes me when i dont get it. so.. instead of being a "nice" parent and going "well, i know this isnt your best and you could have done better, but at least you tried" WHICH I DID!!!!!!!!!! i tried so hard last quarter... even when i was skipping and stoned during classes... and the time they caught me and thomas making out in th e bathroom... but instead of trying to be the supportive parent, he is the abusive one and he fucking beat me. yelled at me about my grades, my weight and my friends again... like he is so perfect. sure, i drink now and then, but I DON'T DO IT FUCKING CONSTANTLY!! and i coudl tell he was more than drunk when that happened. it is always worse when he's drunk.... he doesn't know about the drugs and the cutting though... didnt even really say anything about it last night. except when he was done he said, "now go sit in your bathtub and cut up yourself" and then went into his room while i cowered on the floor in fear and blind fury... so yeah... at the moment... that is wahts up. and nick, PLEASE!!! give it to me. i need it. whatever it is... i NEED it. i'll die if i don't have anything... oh and thanks for telling me where you put my blades jade. i found them. i drew one of my dead hearts on my feet. they match. isnt it wonderful? |
| 34 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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bleeding |
June 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: wondering: GC
Feeling: crushed
i made the mistake of taking that... thing from her... and now boy to i regret it. aspirin... so sore... my wrists ache from being wrapped too tight. i made jade hide the razor blades from me, and now i'm going fucking insane trying to find them. maybe she took them. fuck her. god... ow... |
| 18 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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curl up and dye |
June 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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dying my hair on friday. "vampire red" bootyful. thomas is an asshole. so mean to jade and me... causes cuts then wont even kiss them better. the blood should be squirted in his eyes and perhaps it will make him see clearly into this bloodstained world we all see in. instead of living in his "soulless" hell. god. why must i still be drawn to him. he surely doesn't need my "vindictive" love. he liked it the first time he truly had it. now he takes advantage of it and plays with the pieces of my heart. juggles them and drops them... |
| 18 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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but on the... level side |
June 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: maids of bond street
Feeling: dazed
um... nothing really BAD happened today. sure i'm sore as fuck, but, um.. i think its kind of my fault. i want to write some retarded evil poem... but i cant think of anything. hum. perhaps i'll figure something out... i dont know... i need to go to the store:
neosporin
hydrogen peroxide/rubbing alcohol
bandaids
painkiller
ah well i've got some money.
today... i actually think i'd rather be uninfected then have the darkest hour cd... i dunno. such a touch choice. the infections always go away in the end.
hm.. maybe i'll ask jade for some...
and i have to ask her where the fuck she put the razor blades |
| 16 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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deep deep deep |
May 23rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: brain stew
Feeling: deep
FUCK YES NIN! ONE OF THE COOLEST/CREEPIEST VIDS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!
blank stare
disrepair
there's a big black hole gonna eat me up someday
(but) someday
fades away
like a memory - or a place that you'd rather be
some place
lost in space
an itch in my head that's telling me somewhere
somewhere
out there anywhere I don't care get me out of here
if I could feel
all the pins and the pricks
if you were real
I could take what's apart and put it all back together now
this will come true
help me get through
into you
deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep
all I can do
driving me through
into you
deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep
one track
got you on your back
your skin speaks up but you lips couldn't say it
right now I know somehow
we could take the chance and we could make it make it
right here make it all disappear
everything that we've been missing missing
you make me feel
like there's a part of me
that I want to get back again
make this come true
help me get through
into you
deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep
all I can do
pushing it through
into you
deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep
all I can do
driving on through
into you
deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep
you're slipping through
I'm coming, too
into you
deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep
we could become
two into one
leave this behind
over and done
everything new
I'm getting through
into you
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| 15 hit(s) |
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blackout
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May 20th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: sheryl crow: picture
Feeling: angry
i am hurt and angry... i don't know why. i feel like things are being kept from me again. and i dont like it. i know something happened between them that they are so fucking scared i'd find out. and i dont think shes harassing him. she told me she loved him once, and despite how she tells me she might hate him as much as she does, i think that she loves him just as much... just like i do. but nobody understands. nobody ever will. nobody will ever truly understand the fucked up mess i call a life right now. not even her... she honestly cannot possibly understand. i love him... and just about everyone knows what is si like to be completely in love with someone that doesnt even like you. |
| 34 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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May 14th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: winnie the POOH
Feeling: sassy
at the moment... i am really not pleased with my life at all. not one freaking bit. things are wierd... my friends are weirder... and i can't make up my mind about anything. it is so frustrating and annoying. i wish things could get sorted out and have them work out the way everyone wants... except that the way everyone wants might not be what someone else wants... or it might not be possible for everyone to get waht they want. well it's not exactly like it is going to turn out that way anyway. life is just not that nice. life hates me... and like i said.... i hate it too. and i don't care if it knows. |
| 14 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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lameness |
May 12th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: coin operated.... DAY???????WTF???
Feeling: morose
haha. i love to stop on random moods and see how they fit me.
okay... yesterday's entry was a bit more psychotic than i had hoped it would be... but...
RAPE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
please?
someone?
well... then i guess if i want it, then it isn't rape.
grrr.
hm...
perhaps it is possible to change taht...
though i doubt it...
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| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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The not so very secret diary |
May 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: AFI
Feeling: strong
Feeling strange.. as always and to no surprise of anyone's.
I've got the flippin' "very secret diaries" stuck in my head.
DAMN YOU CASSANDRA CLAIRE!!!!!!!!
i love your mind...
BUT DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stupid people get online like i told them to, and then they don't even talk to me to get the information they asked me for with their wrists buttoned together in the freaking hall.
GODDAMN YOU!
GODDAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah... that works.
God, will you please damn everyone?
Double damn some people.
Haha it is fun to write damn repeatedly.
Have you ever noticed that sometimes when people or you say the same word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
and it just gets stuck in my head and you think about it for a long time especially when it's a word that you don't use that often... and then you have problems pronouncing that word and like forget what it means and then later when you need that word that you heard a million times you can't think of it??????????????
it is so frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
aaaahhh man.
and if you haven't experiened that, you need to be triple damned and have jesus slap the shit out of you.
well hm... i should put the very secret diaries on here.
it would just be so uberly awesomely cool and stuff.
omg i am being totally valley girl.
well... i must simply get out of this valley again then, mustn't i? |
| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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sob |
May 10th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: SImple Plan: Perfect
Feeling: irreverent
lablablah.i am so freaked up today.yep... maybe someone drugged my food again. I will never leave my food at that table with them if htis continues.... of course it might just be the bagel and the corpse fuck...
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| 15 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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late-ish |
May 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: Xtina: infatuation
Feeling: dumb
well hello again. it is dark at my houe and i am up alone. my brother is gone. gee isnt he nice tomy mom for mothers day. i am out of soda an dchocolate... basically out of caffiene. WHA! |
| 31 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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HOMICIDE!!!!! |
May 7th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: JoJo
Feeling: nervous
Your Homicidal Rampage! by crash_and_burnYour name:Weapon of Choice:Coke bottlesYour Favorite Target:Mall employeesYour Kill Count:474,935,340Your Battle Cry:"Allow me to molest your face with this rod!"Years You Spend in Jail:26How Much Money In Damages You Cause:$303,459,144,175,752Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 48%Quiz created with MemeGen!
Your Suicide.. by KonstantineYour Name/UsernameFavorite Number?Favorite Color?Gender?FemaleMaleUndecidedBothHow will you commit suicide?You will sit in the garage with the car on and “listen to the lullabies of carbon monoxide”How many tries will it take?71When will you commit suicide?October 10, 2012What will your suicide note say?This broken heart will never mend, so never shall I breathe againQuiz created with MemeGen!
Who will you be stuck with at end of time? by chi_a_baidhYour name isYour sex isMaleFemaleUndecidedYour favorite color isRedOrangeYellowGreenBluePurpleBlackWhiteOtherYou are stuck there becauseeveryone else died due to the wrath of GodFor _____ years81With George Bush. Click for pic.He/She will think you arelazyYou willmake a coconut radioQuiz created with MemeGen!
OH GOD WHY COULDNT THE WRATH OF GOD TAKE ME TOO?????
What will your last words be?
by cum_on_bitchYour LJ usernameYour real nameYour sexYour ageYour last words will be..."MMMM MORE FOOD!"Quiz created with MemeGen! |
| 20 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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warpedness |
May 3rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
and it must be pronounced as such
war
ped
ness.
that is how it must be spoken, you understand? well... even if you dont i dont fucking care because that is how i believe it must be spoken, so spik it ur own wayz ppl... and i will just say, go fuck urselves. so yes.. the warpedness has worn off of me... and now i just feel totally shitty. lmao. it is really so humorous how my moods change so dramatically... hm... i wonder if menopause is possible at age 14. doubtful... but just the same... oh yeah.. the fuckin mest hormones. that's right. ha ha. so fecking funny... hey who's read the very secret diaries? well if you havent-and i guess if you have... they are totally messed up and warped "diaries" of the lord of the rings characters... andOMG they are so goddamned funny! man... it always seems to make me laugh. and why the fuck can't i type today? goddamnit!!!!!!!!!! i love that word. it is so fun to type. muhhahaha... it must be pronounced like this
god
dam
knit
yes... i am so evil and insane. well then i guessed the warpedness hasnt worn off yet... oh well. i also could be jsut in such a foul mood that i am warped. either way... toodeloo my queen! |
| 21 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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fricken |
April 30th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
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oh my god i am in such a weird mood i cant even spell. hahahahaha i feel like laughing utnil my ass literally falls off. it woudl be a good thing... since i've got enough fat in one butcheek to plump up a little african orphan that hasnt eaten much in months. see? how warped am i today? man... if i took drugs.. that could be the cause... but i dont... so i am just weird |
| 34 hit(s) |
(1 comments) |
blackout
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ow |
April 17th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: from the bottom of my broken heart
Feeling: alone
I learned more last night. I feel evil, but if anyone should, it is he for lying to a "Friend"
I cannot go on like this much longer. It is all tearing me apart inside, I dont understand why.
Yes, i have done evil, i have done wrong, but still, youthink these people would GET A FUCKING CLUE?!?!?!?!?!??!
They were the original wrong doesr.
not my friend. if only i could convince myself of that...
i dont know who are my real friends anymore. it is so distressing.
this thing that is devouring me is probably having no impact on them... which makes it hurt even worse.. They KNOW....
but you know it should because practically everytime i talk to them i ask.
and i know she's lying so it becomes almost... amusing.
Still painful... but in a way.. Amusing...yes.
i am going insane yet again. i need to talk to someone.
ha. if only i were baptised then i could even maybe go to confession.
i need someone that will hold it in complete confidentiality.
My mind is spinning. i am feeling sick.
anyway, i scare myself sometimes. the shadows are closing in again.
lala i want to go pierce myself with safety pins. lalalala
oh by the way who likes blood?
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| 24 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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lazy |
April 11th, 2005 @ 12:00am |
Listening to: tyranny of normality
Feeling: abandoned
yeah so i have gotten really lazy about how much, how often i write in this one. long story short she still lies, they probably fuck eachother, i want to die, and i want my toy skeleton back from arjay. |
| 20 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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HATE |
March 23rd, 2005 @ 12:00am |
HATE
I hate you with every molecule of my being,
Every ounce of my soul.
For all the times you’ve lied,
All the times you’ve tried to hide it.
I hate you.
Why do you think you need to do this?
I know it and it hurts.
If only you’d be honest.
But you stab me in the back.
My blood will be bitter on your
Hands and conscience.
It will never come away
Until you find a time,
A way, to stop forcing this
Agony upon me.
3/21/05
before i got home on monday and wrote, thats how i felt. im going to start keepingmy poems here. maybe someone will notice them and convince me that they really ARE worth submission somewhere |
| 22 hit(s) |
(0 comments) |
blackout
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