i have not written in so long, because i made my other journal public. i don't mind people in my life seeing what i was like in the past but, writing about the other day and having them read it could be offensive. i don't want them asking questions. they are much more understanding when it is the past.

i saw this post secret and it said something like i want to get an escort to have passionate sex again. and me, being in a fairly early long term relationship, got scared. its not men's nature to be dedicated mentally and physically to one women is it? and even if my boyfriend is so loving and sweet as it is, it applies to even him. he's a man. and i know he thinks other girls are pretty, and it makes me feel ugly. i know i am not as pretty as them. and i know that these are such negative thoughts and that i should be positive. thinking of losing him is scary, i am only 19 years old. he has changed my life. if he was no longer a part of my life, i would honestly not care to have another man. i would like to focus on myself. i wonder what i am good at? what good am i for? what is my purpose? and school used to be my life. i worked so so hard. but now, my life is him and school. 50 / 50. and if i lose him.. i am only 50... but now my whole purpose of life has changed. and i really do not know what it is. i had everything. i was happy in my skin. but he came in, and he loved me. and i let him. and he showed me what love was what rest was what family was what friends were.. and to tell you the truth i cannot succeed highly at both love and work. i can only give half my time to each. and i am confused. it helps to pray. i will.